Paper Marriage: A step closer to the real thing, or a disaster waiting to happen?

[McWood]

My boyfriend and I have been together for one year, 9 months. He lives in Scotland and I live in NY. We've had lots of ups and downs, break-ups and make-ups, but have always found our way back to each other. As hard as it is, we have decided that there's nothing better than what we have, and it's worth all of the struggle.

Our situation being what it is, we've discovered that the only way for us to be together right now is for me to move to Scotland and for us to get married so that I can stay in the country. As much as we love each other and want to be together in the long run, neither of us are ready for marriage. We've decided to look at it as a "paper marriage" instead of a "real marriage", its sole purpose being that we can live together and have the time to see if we work as a couple in the real world, and eventually do it for real in front of family and friends, and make it forever.

While I am tentatively willing to do all of this, part of me is terrified that I will feel like I am really married, and devoted to my husband for the rest of my life, while he will feel like we are still just boyfriend and girlfriend. I trust him, but it's hard sometimes, especially when we've had so many setbacks, mostly coming from his end. I'm afraid I will end up a divorcee without ever really getting to be a wife. I want to be with this person more than I've ever wanted anything, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, but the risk is so high. I'm afraid I'm being naive.

I personally know two couples who have gotten married for papers with the intentions of making it last forever and being married for real one day, and both have failed. I think I joined this forum because at this point, I need support. No one in my life understands what I am going through, or even why I put myself through it. If there is anyone out there reading this who has been in this situation of a "paper marriage" and has any feedback, it would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

[Haley53]

I don't feel it's worth it.

For one, it seems extremely risky when you're dealing with a government with the power to deport you/face him with jail time. Yes, you'll be living together, but getting married is, unfortunately, more than about what's on paper when it comes to visas. While a part of it is legal, a lot of it involves also being able to prove your relationship and the sincerity of it on paper, and the interpretation of that is often up to the discretion of the officer who's managing your case.

For another, I don't see it as being practical. If you're getting married so that you can live together... Are you sure you've exhausted all of your other options? Marriage is a stressful time, especially when you're merging two lives from two separate countries, especially given that your options are going to be limited once you're there. You'll be moving away from friends and family, you're not going to be able to legally work, etc. Not to mention that the move itself is going to be expensive. Visas aren't the only thing you have to consider, but you'll have to consider what you're moving over and the cost of living once you're there. Even if you plan on moving in with him, it's not that simple. And if you do get divorced? That is also an extremely expensive process.

Personally I wouldn't get married overseas for such wishy-washy reasons because it's not practical, but that's my opinion. :/

[ChibiFelicia]

We're kinda in the same situation where he lives in Cali and i live i the UK. Although we're actually ready to get married and start our lives together. We too will be having a court house wedding (well register hall i guess in the UK). We decided this after i looked into getting a working visa or evena fiancee visa (K1). I really wouldnt suggest you get a "paper marriage" you're not ready. Dont ever get married if you're having doubts.

Can you stay in the UK by any other means? A working visa? I'd suggest a travel visa which i think lasts for 6 months (dont quote me you'l have to look that up) if you have the money to do that. I've seen other posts on here from people from the states staying in the UK. I hope they will be able to enlighten you or maybe do a forum search.

This whole "paper marriage" thing is what i was afraid of. I dont want to be a visa bride and thats what it basically is. It's visa fraud - the harsh way of looking at it anyway. How long have you 2 been together? How old are you? How long have you physically been together? Moving to a whole new country isnt going to be easy. And if you guys arent actually ready to make that life long commitment together i really would suggest against it.

Oh and my brother had a paper marriage thing. She from china and i was so wary about it. But they've been happily married for 4 or so years now. It does work if you want it to. But they were also ready to get married.

[kiara_silver]

I have similar distance as you. My SO is also from Scotland, and im over her in CA. I wouldn't do it if i were you. Thats just my opinion. If your having doubts and fears then it isn't right. When you get married you should be sure, to me marriage should be more then just a piece of paper. Its when you take that leap and want to spend forever with that person and you don't have any doubts.
Can't you just go stay and visit? Without a visa, im going there for 5 months. You can stay up to 6 with no visa. This can give you a better feel of how living together will feel, and you can see if you like it there. Have you ever been to the UK? I think a visit is more practical. Yes it's expensive, but its better in the long run. You don't want to end in a divorce.

[Tooki]

I wouldn't do it. I'm also in this boat as I'm Australian and she is Estonian.

There are MANY things that you need to consider which have already been listed. It's a big move and commitment. And honestly, if you are so reluctant to do it, DON'T do it! I have contemplated this but I have realised that the cons far outweigh the pros.

And I'm not sure you can get a Working Holiday visa. I think that it's only available to Australians, New Zealanders and Canadians.

[Engel]

...you're not going to be able to legally work, etc.

i dont know how it is where he lives... but here in Germany I could not work with a student visa. now i got married (just one month married, but got my first spousal permission already) i can work! so i dont see why she wouldnt be able, if she were to be married.

[Haley53]

i dont know how it is where he lives... but here in Germany I could not work with a student visa. now i got married (just one month married, but got my first spousal permission already) i can work! so i dont see why she wouldnt be able, if she were to be married.

Perhaps it's different then. I know in America, you can't work until you apply for your greencard. I believe you can apply for a "temporary" card (can't remember the name of it) that would allow you to work but depending on processing times, and how people arrange the paperwork, I have heard some people are out several months. :/ I'm not sure how it would work in Scotland, but I know here in America that being married doesn't automatically mean you're free to carry on as a citisen. There's still more paperwork that involves more time and so you have to be prepared to financially support yourself during the time you can't work.

[ChibiFelicia]

Perhaps it's different then. I know in America, you can't work until you apply for your greencard. I believe you can apply for a "temporary" card (can't remember the name of it) that would allow you to work but depending on processing times, and how people arrange the paperwork, I have heard some people are out several months. :/ I'm not sure how it would work in Scotland, but I know here in America that being married doesn't automatically mean you're free to carry on as a citisen. There's still more paperwork that involves more time and so you have to be prepared to financially support yourself during the time you can't work.

Hmm if you apply for the CR1 the spousal visa you recieve the green card automatically. therefor you can work as soon as you step into the states. I read this from visajourney.com Obviously to apply for CR1 you must be married to a US citizen. If however you apply for K1 the fiance/e visa then you are right you cannot work. You must apply for EAD and last i heard that takes 3 months.

But you're right whether you get the green card on arrival or not (depending on visa type) you are not considered a citizen. I think it's 3 years you have to apply for a 10 year greencard. Once you have that you can apply for a US citizenship. (the required years i may have wrong since i havent gotten to that stage of the visa process)

Regarding a marriage visa in the UK i havent researched it personally however when my brother married a chinese citizen they applied for visa for her to come here. She was allowed to work aswell.

[lucybelle]

Perhaps it's different then. I know in America, you can't work until you apply for your greencard. I believe you can apply for a "temporary" card (can't remember the name of it) that would allow you to work but depending on processing times, and how people arrange the paperwork, I have heard some people are out several months. :/ I'm not sure how it would work in Scotland, but I know here in America that being married doesn't automatically mean you're free to carry on as a citisen. There's still more paperwork that involves more time and so you have to be prepared to financially support yourself during the time you can't work.

As far as I've read it, in USA if you apply for a CR-1 visa (spouse) the foreigner can work as soon as they enter the states on the CR-1 visa. If you come on a K-1 visa (fiance) the foreigner has to wait the 3 months before being able to work. Here's the link.

But back to topic--

There are plenty of other ways to be in the UK without being married. Have you really truly looked into all other options? I mean first of all you could just go on your tourist visa for 3 months and even apply for an extension just to test out the waters. You wouldn't be able to work, but you wouldn't have to get married.

Look, I'm a fan of paper marriages, I really am. But I feel like you two don't have enough time together for it to be worth it. I mean not even 2 years together and parts of these 2 years you've broken up? Just not worth it. Visas are not as easy as just getting married and moving. It's a long process (probably around a year), it's expensive (at least $2000) and it's stressful as hell! Are you sure you want to go through all that with someone you've never even lived with before?

Go on a tourist visa and see how things work out. Look into different options. There are plenty.

Best luck.

[Haley53]

As far as I've read it, in USA if you apply for a CR-1 visa (spouse) the foreigner can work as soon as they enter the states on the CR-1 visa. If you come on a K-1 visa (fiance) the foreigner has to wait the 3 months before being able to work. Here's the link.

But back to topic--

There are plenty of other ways to be in the UK without being married. Have you really truly looked into all other options? I mean first of all you could just go on your tourist visa for 3 months and even apply for an extension just to test out the waters. You wouldn't be able to work, but you wouldn't have to get married.

Look, I'm a fan of paper marriages, I really am. But I feel like you two don't have enough time together for it to be worth it. I mean not even 2 years together and parts of these 2 years you've broken up? Just not worth it. Visas are not as easy as just getting married and moving. It's a long process (probably around a year), it's expensive (at least $2000) and it's stressful as hell! Are you sure you want to go through all that with someone you've never even lived with before?

Go on a tourist visa and see how things work out. Look into different options. There are plenty.

Best luck.

I didn't mean to come off as unaware of the differences. xD As I understood it, I thought the OP was applying for a fiance visa. Realising I completely read into it wrong. :P I apologise for any misinformation!

[McWood]

Wow, I'm amazed at all of the feedback! Thank you all so much! I think the most glaringly obvious thing that I get from all of you is that it's not the right thing to do if I'm not ready to get married. I think you are right. I am going to have to find another way. My gut tells me that I won't be able to think of this thing as just a paper arrangement, when I'm so in love with this person and do eventually want to marry him. It will be a bit of a mind-fuck (pardon my language but that is the best way I can describe it) to be married and try to think of it otherwise. And I don't want our relationship to be built on fraud and evasion of the law and proper protocol. Lies, essentially.

I would go for 6 months on a visitor's visa, but right now I don't have the money to support myself for 6 months. That is an idea though, if I worked really hard and saved up I could maybe do it eventually. I just had my first visit there last week (!) and I really liked it. I feel like time is the killer though, more so than the distance. The longer we wait the more frustrated and despairing we become.

We spoke about it today and an idea that my SO had was for me to go to Scotland to get my Masters in Education. I've been thinking about becoming a teacher, and if I do it there, I can get a student visa, which I think will allow me to work and stay for a year after I graduate (2 years total), which would allow us to do a civil partnership without having to get married. We are so in love and want to get married and have babies and talk about that stuff all the time, but we can't do it until we are really really ready and have no doubts. And have really lived together and know that we can make it work in a home of our own.

Just ideas, but good to know that I'm not wrong in my gut because you all understand how important and big a deal marriage is. I should have done this sooner.

Thank you.

[McWood]

Oh and just to clarify, we have spent months at a time living together, but never in the real world. It's either been during the summer, working at camp together, or traveling together in Central America, neither of us working. I think it's really important for us to live together and have real lives to deal with; jobs, friends, family, to see how we function as a fully-fledged couple. I imagine it must be quite a shock to go from emails and skype to the daily grind of living and working together. That's the true test of compatibility, and one I know I'm ready for, if not quite ready for marriage

[ChibiFelicia]

I think the idea of applying for a student visa is probably your best option. Good luck!

[Engel]

Oh and just to clarify, we have spent months at a time living together, but never in the real world. It's either been during the summer, working at camp together, or traveling together in Central America, neither of us working. I think it's really important for us to live together and have real lives to deal with; jobs, friends, family, to see how we function as a fully-fledged couple. I imagine it must be quite a shock to go from emails and skype to the daily grind of living and working together. That's the true test of compatibility, and one I know I'm ready for, if not quite ready for marriage

I love to see someone with no fairytale ideas about this! many people are like: oh, we only saw each other in person once!!! for vacatioons, when neither my SO nor I were working (for anytime between 1 week or less up to 3 months) but next time we see each other we will get married!!! No ofense ladies, but.. really? while you are on vacations or on one visit or many visits with just a few days, that total time spent together under the same roof is less than 6 months, no matter how long you are together, i think it is really really risky to get married. because you dont really know how the person is in the real world, with jobs and everything in the way. and without that feeling of "i only have 2 weeeks with him/her before we go back to LDR and spend 6 more months without seeing each other!!!"
when you are in a visit, you behave differently because you know the visit is just a tempopary thing. you will be far away from each other again soon.


so i always always roll my eyes to people that want to get married the next time they see each other, after one visit only, sometimes having spent less than one or two months in person together. i learned how to hold my tongue ,most of the times when it comes to those toppics. but i just wanted to say how rare it is to find someone that thinks like you, so congratulations for having your head in the right place!

ps: again, this is not to cause a discussion, is just how i feel about it!

[McWood]

I love to see someone with no fairytale ideas about this! many people are like: oh, we only saw each other in person once!!! for vacatioons, when neither my SO nor I were working (for anytime between 1 week or less up to 3 months) but next time we see each other we will get married!!! No ofense ladies, but.. really? while you are on vacations or on one visit or many visits with just a few days, that total time spent together under the same roof is less than 6 months, no matter how long you are together, i think it is really really risky to get married. because you dont really know how the person is in the real world, with jobs and everything in the way. and without that feeling of "i only have 2 weeeks with him/her before we go back to LDR and spend 6 more months without seeing each other!!!"
when you are in a visit, you behave differently because you know the visit is just a tempopary thing. you will be far away from each other again soon.


so i always always roll my eyes to people that want to get married the next time they see each other, after one visit only, sometimes having spent less than one or two months in person together. i learned how to hold my tongue ,most of the times when it comes to those toppics. but i just wanted to say how rare it is to find someone that thinks like you, so congratulations for having your head in the right place!

ps: again, this is not to cause a discussion, is just how i feel about it!

Thank you Engel, I totally agree with you. And congratulations to you and your SO for closing the distance recently! Knowing that it's possible is enough to keep me going!