Stuck.

[MadMolly]

Ok so a few weeks ago I posted about problems I was having with my BF. After a particularly bad fight, I gathered up my clothes and went to stay with my mum. I didn't "move out", I just was taking a break from Dave and getting ready to break up and move out. He would text me a lot of lovely things throughout the days I was there, and one Saturday night/Sunday morning at about 4am he texted "you awake?" I said yes. "Want cuddles? I'm feeling bad and anxious. Please come over." So... me desperately needing comfort myself, I caved and went over.
It was so nice but it broke my heart because I know it couldn't always be like this.

After I went home on Sunday afternoon, we were talking on MSN and he started getting extremely angry over nothing (he does this a lot since he got a head injury last year) and told me he doesn't want a girlfriend. He wanted me but he didn't want to be exclusive. I've heard this shit before so I just thought "fuck trying anymore" and told him it was over, he'd never see me again etc. Of course then he panicked and apologised profusely and said there was something wrong with him, he didn't know why there was an obsession with other girls all of a sudden, it was his head injury, he was scared of getting older etc etc. I sort of didn't care and didn't accept the apology.
He asked for one more chance. What hurt could it do to see if he could change? he said. So... I sighed and said ok.

So I've been staying back home with him for 4-5 days a week (spending the other nights at mum's when I need a break) and things have been nice. There have been no fights or problems and he has been making a real effort to change (or so it seems). However... I don't trust him. I don't believe he will change. I am trying *so* hard to actually give him a REAL chance but this is unfair because I haven't given him another chance. I'm just waiting for things to fuck up again before I leave and everything happens all over again. My heart cannot take more of this pain.

I have to break up with him. I KNOW this is the only option left to me. I must do this. But how do I do it? How do I actually convince myself I want to do it? Every time I do he holds onto me and my heart yearns for him. My body yearns for him. My mind yearns for him but its the only one saying NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo and putting up a fight and it always loses. Plus, once we break up, he will (without a doubt) have other girls straight away. He constantly has girls all over him and I suppose he's used this as a threat last time I tried to break up. It makes me sick thinking about it but I know if I break up with him he has every right to sleep with other people and I shouldn't care.

What on earth do I do. How do I get out of this situation? I've tried blocking off contact but I'm so hooked on him I just can't help it and cave to him again and again. Plus, I own most of the furniture in our house so moving out will be a *big* job and we're in the midst of exams. I don't know what to do.

[lunamea]

I'm so sorry. When I realized the two of you are somewhat back together, I'd hoped for the best. I can't really give you any advice, as I am hooked on my husband, who doesn't know if he still loves me (or worse: says he's lost his feelings for me) but won't break up with me. In one day, we go back and forth between "let's try" and "we're just hurting each other more, this won't work" a couple of times. I've changed and now give him more space and try to trust him/not check up on him and forget about the past and start anew, but that's really hard to do if he doesn't seem to be interested and flip-flops between wanting to live a normal life (without heartwrenching convos all the time) and not being able to do it. He can't tell me that he doesn't love me but he says nothing when I tell him I love him. One time, he says he hopes his feelings will come back, then a little later he says he wishes I'd feel like him and it would be so much easier to break up. Then he says if I had said the things he said to me (about having fallen out of love), he would have left.

So, I know exactly what it feels like to be in the "let's try" and "one more chance" situation with a partner who's not really invested. Funny thing is, there are no fights between us, either. I'm trying really hard to stay calm because he said that he couldn't do the fighting anymore (and neither can I), but it doesn't seem to be about the fighting anymore. After over 4 years of marriage, he seems to consider me as nothing more than a friend and he's so scared to hurt me but at the same time all his trying is half-hearted. He's also really confused and fears that keeping on living together will actually worsen things instead of making them better (when I'm not sure he wants them to improve...) I am glad that he is honest with me, though and that actually makes me trust him more than before. If he's strong enough to tell me that his feelings are not the same, he'd also be strong enough to tell me he's fallen in love with someone else.

Anyway, about your situation: I'd actually use the "he will have other girls straight away" to my advantage. Convince yourself that if he does that, he cannot truly love you (or there would be some time for mourning). Also, if you break up, you have every right to look for someone new, too. I know that that's the last thing on your mind right now (same here - I actually went clubbing by myself yesterday and met a guy but all the time kept thinking about my hb), but it's something to think about for the future.

I totally understand you not being able to trust him. I think my trying is half-hearted, too, but I don't know how they would expect it to be any different (esp. your bf, as he's f... up numerous times.) I think you shouldn't beat yourself up over it... it's the best you can offer and it has to be enough. Once trust is lost, it is very hard to regain and IMO your bf needs to understand that you can't switch back to "ok, have fun going out/whatever, I'm perfectly certain nothing will happen".

It does seem like leaving is currently the best option for both of us. My hb believes that it will be less painful in the long run to do so and I think he's right (and still I don't want to do it if there's hope left.) Like, I want a clear answer, I want a "I don't want to be with you anymore/I don't love you anymore/Please leave" or else I won't go. I think your bf needs to hear the same or he'll never let go.

I'm sorry I'm of no help, I haven't really been in a situation like this before and it might seem like mine is a little easier (as one party doesn't seem to have feelings anymore) than yours, but in the end, I think we're both trying to let go of someone who doesn't love us enough anymore...

[MadMolly]

I have been okay with him going out the last couple weekends. On Friday night he went out for a drinks thing and texted me the whole time, and came home at midnight (as opposed to 6am like usual). Then the next night, he decided to stay home and sleep so I went out to a gig... an hour later he shows up and we have a great time. Unfortunately I got food poisoning an hour later and decided to go home. He came home at 6am that night, but had a ton of stuff from the 24 hour chemist, and a huge big takeaway cooked breakfast. He has been really lovely. I feel bad because I know he's trying but I'm just not going to get over this, I think. I think the reason I am more relaxed lately is because I'm emotionally detaching myself. I keep waiting for "the right time" to break up because I know right now I am not ready. But I don't know when I will be ready. I love him but its sad love, because it feels hopeless and it hurts.

I'm sorry about your situation. I think it would be easier if he told me he didn't have feelings, but damn that would hurt a lot more. I feel like the only reason I am functioning is because I know he still loves me and wants me back so I'm getting some twisted power from it and it makes me feel good. I know what you mean about looking for other guys... I have been chatting to a new few male friends lately and letting myself think "could I like this guy?" and all I could do is compare them to Dave. I hope things work out for you too Lunamea. If I was in your situation I think I would leave but I'd still be like... what if... what if... what if it works out... etc etc.

[Zephii]

Awww I'm sorry it's come down to this

There may not be a right time, unfortunatly. What has helped me is thinging up good senarios of my future without whoever I'm breaking up with in it. Remind yourself that you can be fine and happy and loved and successful without him. You've lived without him before, use this to remind yourelf that you can do it. Write out a list of all the reasons you're leaving too, it will help remind you when you start feeling weak.

Then enlist a bunch of friends to help you move. Get it all done in one day and even if you forget something don't go back. Immediately change your main contact details like your phone and email. Don't let it be easy for him to come to you begging.

Then I guess give yourself a lot of time and chocolate cake

[lunamea]

I have been okay with him going out the last couple weekends. On Friday night he went out for a drinks thing and texted me the whole time, and came home at midnight (as opposed to 6am like usual). Then the next night, he decided to stay home and sleep so I went out to a gig... an hour later he shows up and we have a great time. Unfortunately I got food poisoning an hour later and decided to go home. He came home at 6am that night, but had a ton of stuff from the 24 hour chemist, and a huge big takeaway cooked breakfast. He has been really lovely. I feel bad because I know he's trying but I'm just not going to get over this, I think. I think the reason I am more relaxed lately is because I'm emotionally detaching myself. I keep waiting for "the right time" to break up because I know right now I am not ready. But I don't know when I will be ready. I love him but its sad love, because it feels hopeless and it hurts.

I feel for you. I'm biased because I'm projecting, so maybe you shouldn't listen to me, but it does sound like he's trying (a whole lot more than my hb at least). Have his other second chances been like that, too? If the effort feels more genuine this time, maybe you can stay in the state you're in now... not completely detached, yet not completely hooked on him? I don't know if that even works or if it's just slowly killing you.
I don't know if you can ever be ready as long as you are physically near someone you love. I'm trying to figure that out myself, because it does look like my hb wants to coerce me into leaving instead of filing a divorce himself (which would make him feel guilty, I guess.) My mom says if I stick around (also for the legal consequences) instead of leaving and he's really ugly to me, that might help me in letting go. I'm not sure if it's the right way to do it, because it's an end that the relationship doesn't deserve and it probably means much more hurt for me, but I've put so much into him ever since I met him (not only feelings, but money and support, I've put my own needs second and helped him in any way possible) so - even if what he says is true - it feels very unfair to break up now that it's his turn to look after me (we had agreed that I'd finish studying w/o working again and that he supports us for the time being).

I know what you mean about looking for other guys... I have been chatting to a new few male friends lately and letting myself think "could I like this guy?" and all I could do is compare them to Dave. I hope things work out for you too Lunamea. If I was in your situation I think I would leave but I'd still be like... what if... what if... what if it works out... etc etc.

Same here. Well, I haven't been chatting, I'm just looking at guys on the street. Then again, I know that even if I found someone new now, I couldn't trust my own feelings and I'd just be in for more hurt.

Remind yourself that you can be fine and happy and loved and successful without him. You've lived without him before, use this to remind yourelf that you can do it.

I'm going to put this up on the fridge or somewhere! Your advice is great as ever! I'll try to take it... right now, it's still impossible to imagine my life without him... 4.5 years is such a long time...

[Tanja]

That's such a difficult situation for you Molly, I'm sorry

I wish I had some great advice but I really don't, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and that you are a very strong person for trying to work things out even if it might not get you to where you wanna be....

I broke up with my ex quite all of a suddenly according to everyone after a 8-year-old relationship, I thought about it for 6 months or so and never said a word to him until one day I said I wanna break up. I wasn't worried or scared about what he'd say cause I had already made up my mind and nothing was gonna change it (not him or my family or my friends who all kept saying I shouldn't go through with this and I'm mad), I wasn't happy with him even though I still loved him but I guess I wasn't in love with him anymore and just thought of him more as a friend than a lover.

My point is that when you're in a situation like that you have to put yourself first and if you're not happy then do something about it and if you're not happy because of another person you need to walk out because you cant change who that person is, you can only change yourself and sometimes that just isn't enough.

I think you're right about needing to break up with him for good and the sooner you do it the sooner you can move on and live your life and be happy again. I don't think there's any point in thinking about other guys yet cause you're still emotionally attached to Dave and you're not gonna get over him just by finding a rebound guy, I'd say lean on to your friends and family and do what Zephii suggested, change your phone number and mail address and I'm pretty sure that once you stop getting those lovely texts and sweet phone calls you'll recover from this heartache much faster.

I really am sorry for all that's happened to you, you're such a strong and an honest person and I really enjoy reading your posts, I remember you counting down the days when you were gonna close the distance with Dave and I hate it that it came down to this. I wish you all the best and I hope you're strong enough to do the right thing for YOU.

ps I'm glad you're still sticking around here despite of everything ♥

[MadMolly]

I tried last night and I didn't change my mind but he didn't believe me. He told me I was unwell and that I was depressed and I was not making the right decision. He told me to go to a counseller and then maybe if after some of that, if I still want to break up, he will listen to me. :S

[lunamea]

I tried last night and I didn't change my mind but he didn't believe me. He told me I was unwell and that I was depressed and I was not making the right decision. He told me to go to a counseller and then maybe if after some of that, if I still want to break up, he will listen to me. :S

Hm. His behavior reminds me a little of my own... I'm kinda making excuses for my hb behaving the way he does (granted, he is super-angry at me and the whole world at the moment, so it is possible that he doesn't mean everything he says.), but I doubt I would be ready to accept his decision even if he would be adamant, either. I'm not sure anything you do or say will make your bf accept that you're leaving, because he knows you still love him. From what I've read about your situation before, I don't think you need a counselor, though, unless it's couples therapy, because - even if I don't know exactly what happened between the two - it does seem like he needs to be involved if you seek professional help. I actually find it to be kind of a cheek that after what he has done, he wants you to get "help" to change your mind. It does seem like he's just grasping at straws by giving you another "obstacle" you have to overcome before he lets you go (and, as I said, I don't think he'll ever give you up freely, even if 10 counselors tell you it would be best for you to get rid of him.)

[Caitlin2009]

I tried last night and I didn't change my mind but he didn't believe me. He told me I was unwell and that I was depressed and I was not making the right decision. He told me to go to a counseller and then maybe if after some of that, if I still want to break up, he will listen to me. :S

if your not happy in the relationship why stay??? your just gonna make yourself more misrable and unhappy, he's only trying to control you and hold onto to something that doesnt exsist anymore. grab a few things, walk out the door, change your phone number, ect and dont look back! You will find someone that really cares about sometime either later or sooner in your life but get out there while you can or the controlling behaviour with him will get worse

[MadMolly]

An update... I tried more times to end it but with less and less conviction. He knows I don't *want* to do this, only that I feel I need to (I know I need to) and it is giving him hope. He is trying so hard and we have been talking a lot more about our problems instead of fighting about them. He told me the other day to just tell him stuff that is going through my head instead of bottling them up (I never talk about my thoughts or feelings) so... I basically unleashed all my pent up fears.
I told him the trust at the moment was in the negatives; I told him I did not trust him whatsoever and I didn't feel comfortable being "happy" with him when I couldn't trust him. I told him that I felt if I was falling, he would not catch me whereas in the past I could trust him with my life. I think he was very hurt by that and said he was going to show me he was committed now, and we would work on it. I was sceptical but this time he seems so sincere (I can always tell when he lies or exaggerates something so it's what i want to hear). In fact I am starting to think there may be hope for us.

I don't know if this whole situation is a wound the relationship can heal from but I have decided I am ready to give him another chance now. My friends and my mum basically told me I was stupid for doing this and they're going to say "I told you so" if it doesn't work out so I'm feeling a little isolated now. I understand where they're coming from but... I just need to see if this is going to work out. If this relationship can be saved then I'm going to do anything to save it.

Please don't call me naive, everyone else has.

[Caity]

Awww there will always be people to support you here no matter what decision you decide to make =) I hope your situation improves and that everything works out in the end.

[Bluestars]

I truly hope the best for you Molly! I think it is reasonable for you to give him a second chance if he REALLY sounds sincere. You guys just have to be open with one another and deal with the problems in your relationship--and he needs keep up this change in attitude Keep us updated and best of wishes!

[lunamea]

Thanks for the update.

In matters of the heart, no-one can really tell you what to do, because no-one is in the exact same situation or knows/loves your SO like you do. Even if you tell them everything that's happened (as I'm doing w/ my mom and friends and you guys here on the forum, too), only you can know what feels right for you. Your friends/relatives don't have a crystal ball, either and it is your decision alone, as it's your life. I also think no-one who likes/loves you should ever tell you "told you so", especially about a serious matter like this.
I hope things keep improving - all the best!

[Tanja]

I really REALLY hope it will all turn out for the best, I do believe that if you truly love someone then you should fight for the relationship if they are willing to do the same and it sounds like he is now. Even though I'm quite sceptical when it comes to cheating I know that people can change and maybe he's done that because he loves you. Only you can really know if he's being sincere or not and you seem to believe he is so I'll believe it too then

I wish you all the best and no matter how it goes you can always count on us to be your safety net!

[MadMolly]

Yeah I haven't explained a lot about what happened. My main problem was not entirely with the 'cheating' (hard to say if what he did was because it depends on what you define as cheating, but I certainly considered it cheating which is what mattered) but with the fact he did not think it was a big deal. He has finally began admitting (to me and to himself, I believe) that it was wrong and he understands why it was wrong, and that it affects me. He is incredibly stubborn and had the whole "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mindframe so when I did find out (because he ended up telling me!) I was crushed. and then he didn't understand why I was so crushed because he didn't consider it to be a big deal. Now he is finally seeing things from my perspective and instead of arguing, we are talking. It's really nice. I actually feel closer to him now than I ever have. However, I still do not trust him at ALL and he knows this and we're going to work on it. If I can't get the trust back then there is not much hope so we're just seeing if things will work out. I suppose it's like a trial thing.

He's gone back to christchurch for a few days right now; he was supposed to go for a few weeks but changed his tickets to a few days instead because he "would miss me too much" haha. Or maybe he means he would go nuts staying with his mum that long. He's only been gone a few days, he's back tonight, and I'm feeling lonely already... how did I ever do this for months on end for two years! haha