Closing the distance and compromise?

[amamai]

I've just read that in closing the distance ..both people should compromise..

In my case.. I would give up everything...family...friends..to move to him. I'm just a student, with no permanent accommodation..i have better job prospects here than where he lives, (which is holding me back currently).

He's unable to move to me (he would lose his well paid job.. and wouldn't get a similar one in England)..

But there would be nothing he would have to comprise? would there?

How does he or any partner in that position (e.g. not the one moving) compromise?

I'm intrigued..Anyone that has been in said position..what did you feel you did to compromise?

Thanks!

[Ejoriah]

Well, both partners don't HAVE to compromise... if there is a situation where one partner is free to leave everything behind and move to the other, and both partners are fine with it, then there's no need to compromise. How do you feel about that? Do you feel resentful that you would leave a lot behind, and he doesn't have to leave anything?

I am trying to move to my boyfriend in Texas, because he has a comfortable job and family nearby, and it's not too cold. However if I get an offer to a grad school elsewhere, I'll follow it, and he'll try to look for a job near there, leaving his job and family behind. That's just what we decided on, though. Every situation is different.

[differentcountries]

Well, let me take myself as an example. I plan that he will move to close the distance. I would be willing to go to his country twice a year every year. I mean that would be going away every Christmas /New Year and summer vacation. Also, I would think it would be fair if he should have more say than me in questions as where in the city we would live and similar details. Also, I would have to be sure he could get a job here that he would like, and a network here beyond me. Also, I would learn his language so I can speak to his friends and family when I am there.

Some couples here live some years in one country and then move to another, I am a little intrigued by that. Also some may split the year but then you have to have a job where that would work.

[TexastoFinland]

MY SO and I are having difficulty finding who wants to move where. Though I have lived in Finland, I am afraid to move back because it is too cold there for me living year around. I didn't like the cold. He hasn't lived anywhere else and his family is nearby there. I dont have any family to speak of here. Our problem is that I think we should decide together where will be off better financially where he is worried about his English and him finding a good job like he has back home.We could do better financially here in the US. I know it!! He is also worried about the anxiety of living in a foreign language all the time. I know that feeling because it is not cool to live in a country where people don't really speak your language. Ok Finnish people speak pretty good English but now like me and it doesn't feel like home. Everything you need is in that language and doctors, lawyers, etc. You are basically stuck. I think it is his turn to live where I am so yes I guess we are both being stubborn since I am the one that came to him last time I sort of think that "turnabout is fair play".

[amamai]

Well, both partners don't HAVE to compromise... if there is a situation where one partner is free to leave everything behind and move to the other, and both partners are fine with it, then there's no need to compromise. How do you feel about that? Do you feel resentful that you would leave a lot behind, and he doesn't have to leave anything?

I am trying to move to my boyfriend in Texas, because he has a comfortable job and family nearby, and it's not too cold. However if I get an offer to a grad school elsewhere, I'll follow it, and he'll try to look for a job near there, leaving his job and family behind. That's just what we decided on, though. Every situation is different.

Yeah I find it difficult.. For my situation.. I live in England..I'm a student.. I have my friends and mum (also student) where i live.. (Nan not far away).. I have good opportunities for a future job here...but ultimately if I don't get a job when I finish uni then I'll be broke and no place to live...So world is my oyster.

He lives in Gibraltar..has a good job.. and that's about it.. he lives with his mum (who is moving back to England) so he's getting a place of his own soon.. he has a handful of friends..and that's it. I have a few friends there but not many.. It would be starting all over again.

It would be easier for me to move to him...but I would be losing more than him.

EDIT: Forgot to mention..He is from England, born there..but moved to Gibraltar due to Mum...He has family in England.. like I do..but we would both be living in Gibraltar..by ourselves.. it baffles me a little.

[Zephii]

In the end, I think it's less about both people giving something up and more about doing what makes sense and is right for both of you and any future family you may have. I don't think relationships need to be tit-for-tat - actually I'm pretty sure that would end badly. Do remember there is a difference between equity and equality.

There are things that make these situations more fair. For example, there might - forever - be a set amount of your joint budget that is always set aside for visiting your family/friends. In cases where one partner would have to re-train upon relocation the other partner, I believe, should be willing to financially support them while they do so, etc.

[TexastoFinland]

In the end, I think it's less about both people giving something up and more about doing what makes sense and is right for both of you and any future family you may have. I don't think relationships need to be tit-for-tat - actually I'm pretty sure that would end badly. Do remember there is a difference between equity and equality.

There are things that make these situations more fair. For example, there might - forever - be a set amount of your joint budget that is always set aside for visiting your family/friends. In cases where one partner would have to re-train upon relocation the other partner, I believe, should be willing to financially support them while they do so, etc.

Well the idea of what is best for the couple is sometimes seen differently from different perspectives. Just because one person is willing to give up all and the other isn't, doesn't mean its the "right" thing. It just means that one person had to make more sacrifice for the relationship. This must be well thought out because living in a foreign country could be less than romantic after the honeymoon stage wears off.

[squeeker]

I agree that both couples have to talk about it and come up with the right conclusion for them. At the moment, what my boyfriend and I will do is sort of up in the air.

Originally the plan was for him to move here, with his dad, who was okay with it, but then recently in the past few months, we have been looking at the immigrations stuff again and found it would take a long time to be able to get his dad here any way we looked at it.. and of course he's getting older.

So then it might be me moving to the UK, at least at first.. and we'll see how it goes. I have more family that I talk to, although not all the time, but we have a good relationship, unlike my boyfriend and his dad with the rest of his family, but my family have each other here, my mom and dad are still together and my sisters are definitely going to be okay (my one sister is already in South Korea teaching English). My friends will survive. And there's always talking online and then we will try and have enough money so at least I can travel back and forth, and hopefully the two of us.

But we'll see what happens. We have had to learn to be flexible.. because we have gone through so many plans that ended up not working for one reason or another.

[differentcountries]

Yeah I find it difficult.. For my situation.. I live in England..I'm a student.. I have my friends and mum (also student) where i live.. (Nan not far away).. I have good opportunities for a future job here...but ultimately if I don't get a job when I finish uni then I'll be broke and no place to live...So world is my oyster.

He lives in Gibraltar..has a good job.. and that's about it.. he lives with his mum (who is moving back to England) so he's getting a place of his own soon.. he has a handful of friends..and that's it. I have a few friends there but not many.. It would be starting all over again.

It would be easier for me to move to him...but I would be losing more than him.

EDIT: Forgot to mention..He is from England, born there..but moved to Gibraltar due to Mum...He has family in England.. like I do..but we would both be living in Gibraltar..by ourselves.. it baffles me a little.

It sounds to me that he has changed already to be with his mum, and now he does not want to change back any time soon because of work and friends. And you don't feel financially secure yet, and wonder how you will fit in work -wise and socially if you move to him.

[Heavenly_Love12]

How my SO and I will close the distance is up in there air right now too. I'm active duty Air Force and if I reenlist active duty, then he will be the one to move since I won't have a huge say in where I go. There's the chance I could get stationed in our hometown but it's slim as there are many AF bases in the U.S. and around the world. If I don't reenlist active duty, either decide to get out of the military or join the National Guard or Reserves (you get to pick which base is your home base and I could chose the one that's in our hometown), then I'll be the one who moves. I have another year until my reenlistment window opens and I have not decided what I want to do yet.

I think that either way, someone will have to bend because you will leave something behind to close the distance and it does take money, effort, and time to do so. Viewing it as a huge sacrifice is different for each relationship and person. In my case, my SO would be leaving his family, home, his job, and have to transfer schools, to move to me. That's a lot in my mind and it really makes me feel badly but he says it is worth what he would gain. Depending on how you look at it, closing the distance could be fairly easy or extremely difficult. If my SO ends up moving to me, I would do my best to ensure that he is doing okay with it and try for us to visit home a couple times a year. I know I won't stay in the military forever and we could plan to move to wherever he wants when I'm out. I gave up a lot to join and it sucks that he'd have to do the same to be with me physically.

[Hollandia]

I think it is more about both partners in a couple being willing to sacrifice for the other if needed and be willing to compromise as opportunities come up. If one partner is completely unwilling to consider changing anything for their partner, I don't see that being a long long term successful relationship. We plan on me moving to NL but if something arises that would be better for us in USA or some other country I know that my SO is willing to move too. We both agree, me and him and are two new baby kittens will go where the wind blows as the opportunity knocks for us.

He is quite close to his family and his a nice circle of good friends here in NL. I have also have family, not as close, and friends in USA. Where ever we end up, we will be on planes visiting one or the other's or both but we both accept that.

I would not want to be with someone that had to be near near their family, their friends, their school, their work............there are always reasons. I do think you both have to accept this.

[hillke]

Derek and I are closing the distance in June and unfortunately, I have to pick up and move out to him. But there's no arguing with his salary, and I'm okay with it. I get to move to a big city from my podunk Indiana town, which is great! I will have to leave my job, however, and try to find a new one, and we're both feeling some stress about that.

I guess what's working out in our situation is that while I have to give up everything, Derek is feeling some stress about it too. He feels... not bad, exactly, but he's not happy that I have to quit my job and give stuff up while he doesn't. And I guess that's what makes the difference. He feels the loss like I do and he's appreciative that I'm willing to do it.

[snow]

What is he compromising on?
He is going to share his place with you, give up his bachelor life to live with you, that's something, isn't it?

In international relationships there will always be one person that will have to leave their hometown to live with their SO, if they want to close the distance. It is just the way these relationships are and it is really on both to decide what is going to be the best for both (and maybe a future family) in the long run.
He could move to you, but if he doesn't find a job and doesn't earn money, all expenses will be on you and you are a student right now, so that doesn't seem to go well together. You can always decide to live with him for a couple years until he finds a job in England and then move back. Discuss the possibilities.

But what you shouldn't do is to look for ways you two will be equally making sacrifices.

I will be the one to move. I will leave my family behind. I will not have a well paying job for a couple years and I will not even be able to take everything I own with me for now, but I know that in the long run our future in America is going to be better than it could be for us in Austria. Him having finished high school is not going to give him a lot of choices to find a job here, not even speaking the language. For me, being fluent in 3 languages, it is going to be much easier to find something in my field. We will, as a family, have more opportunities in our lifetime and will be able to get what we always wanted in life - married, kids and a house.
But while I get established in my field he is going to provide for me. He is going to spend his hard earned money on my education and our life until I can provide a good salary for us. I am making more sacrifices, but I don't expect him to sacrifice things to make me happy.

You are going to build a future together and should be working towards it.
If you don't want to move to him forever, try temporarily and then move back with him. Find a compromise!

[Hollandia]

What is he compromising on?
He is going to share his place with you, give up his bachelor life to live with you, that's something, isn't it?

In international relationships there will always be one person that will have to leave their hometown to live with their SO, if they want to close the distance. It is just the way these relationships are and it is really on both to decide what is going to be the best for both (and maybe a future family) in the long run.
He could move to you, but if he doesn't find a job and doesn't earn money, all expenses will be on you and you are a student right now, so that doesn't seem to go well together. You can always decide to live with him for a couple years until he finds a job in England and then move back. Discuss the possibilities.

But what you shouldn't do is to look for ways you two will be equally making sacrifices.

I will be the one to move. I will leave my family behind. I will not have a well paying job for a couple years and I will not even be able to take everything I own with me for now, but I know that in the long run our future in America is going to be better than it could be for us in Austria. Him having finished high school is not going to give him a lot of choices to find a job here, not even speaking the language. For me, being fluent in 3 languages, it is going to be much easier to find something in my field. We will, as a family, have more opportunities in our lifetime and will be able to get what we always wanted in life - married, kids and a house.
But while I get established in my field he is going to provide for me. He is going to spend his hard earned money on my education and our life until I can provide a good salary for us. I am making more sacrifices, but I don't expect him to sacrifice things to make me happy.

You are going to build a future together and should be working towards it.
If you don't want to move to him forever, try temporarily and then move back with him. Find a compromise!

Are you kidding me? I hope you are. That is total crap if you believe in a LDR that is ALL he should be willing to do.

I am going to be the one to move too, but thinking that should just be IT, is Bullshit. Each partner should be willing to do whatever is needed as the needs for the betterment of the couple come about. He should be just as willing to move as her if that is what is needed at some point in the future. Nobody knows what will happen in the future and putting the move on one side forever is just wrong, you have to put it where it falls for the time being for both of you. A compromise is not about what works best now but about how things are going to work from this point from now and each time the tide turns.

If you come into some business ownership rights in your homeland, would your SO not move there with you? I don't really speak Dutch after studying it for a year but yet I am willing to move here. The point is, you live wherever the two of you decide to live, for however long until you decide to move. I think it is just wrong for any LDR to assume one part of it has to be moved to and the other left behind, besides future short term visits. You have 2 people from 2 lands and each land is just as likely to be the homeland for this couple at any point in their lives. Or fort that matter, anywhere else.

If you( not you Snow) are not willing to leave your homeland at some point then don't get into an LDR.

[snow]

Calm your horses hollandia. This was a joke to start my post :P