CD and changing your habits

[Benni]

B and I have had several discussions on how things will be when we close the distance/marry in April. We are really compatible in so many ways and see no problems -- except one.

When I was working I was surrounded by 100 people each day -- always talking, always moving about the place, always ON with a smile pasted on my face no matter what. When I got home at night, I would go to bed and read/have a couple nightcaps/smoke cigarettes and wind down, relax for about 1 1/2 hours.

Even after retiring, 5 years ago, I continued with the same habit and I still look forward to my quiet time -- time just for me.

Here's the problem:

B goes to bed at the same time I do but the bedside lamp will bother him so I couldn't read. I also can't smoke in his bedroom (he's a smoker, too) as his bedding is all eiderdown and very flammable.

So I've suggested that, when he goes downstairs to bed, I would stay upstairs on the daybed/sofa and read for an hour or so then come down to sleep.
He wants me to go to bed when he does! *SIGH* I'm trying to think of a compromise that will satisfy both of us but I'm not having much luck.

I know all of this sounds petty in the face of other changes couples must go through but it's important to me. I've followed my bedtime routine for 20 years!

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Feel free to blast me if you think I'm being silly.

[snow_girl]

I was going to suggest going to a different room to wind down, but I guess he doesn't like that idea. Perhaps you could start your wind down earlier in the evening and then you'd both be ready for bed at the same time? Or maybe you could agree to go to bed 2/3 times a week with him?

[Zapookie]

I dunno, I don't see why you can't just wind down in another room. If this has been your routine, you should stick to it. Maybe he can find something else to do while waiting for you? Or maybe you can make time for each other/ compromise on some other part of the day?

I always need to wind down after a day at work. If I don't get my quiet time, I become irritable, fast. My SO learned quick and learned to leave me alone for a good hour or two when I got home.

[piratemama]

I would never blast at you! Your concerns are important. There is no way around it, but one of you will have to compromise. I understand him wanting to go to bed with you at the same time, but he might not understand that your unwinding time isn't really going to bed. He's either going to have to let you go earlier, or he's going to have to put up with the light and smoke. I can imagine you would never sleep without that bedtime habit of many years. I doubt he wants a grumpy woman around, so he should be willing to help you figure something out.

Relationships are all about compromise. You're lucky this is the only big one you have so far, but I'm sure you can work something out. Good luck!

[squeeker]

I'm wondering if like snow_girl suggested, if you would be able to start your wind down routine earlier in the day and be ready to sleep with him when he's ready? Just closing the distance will be a change of it's own.. and I know you said you have been in this routine for a long time.. maybe you could tell him you will try it but if you can't sleep then maybe work out a compromise where you wind down in another room before sleeping.. I think there's something comforting about falling asleep with your partner.. but I also understand routines, and how important they are especially to sleep. But would you be able to slightly tweak it to allow yourself to sleep with your partner? Also.. it might actually be good timing to change a routine when you are already changing the routine to include living with another person.. just a thought.

Good luck with figuring this out and what works best for both of you!

[differentcountries]

I like to read before I go to bed. I use a reading lamp or the light from my mobile (my flashlight app), because any stronger light will disturbe my hub. I get the winding down, a lot of people just need alone time during the day, and you will be more ready for him too, once you are done.

[aniay]

Okay, being the one disturbed by light while falling asleep I started covering my eyes while my SO plays his game or reads.

I think on every other day you can put down your book and cigaret and spend time with him like he wants.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I like your idea of winding down in another room! Maybe you could compromise on how often you go to bed together? Could your SO use a sleep mask so that the light doesn't disturb him? If not, then starting your routine a bit earlier than usual might be your best bet. I too need time to relax after work and always read for at least half an hour before bed. I hope you both are able to come to a compromise that will work for you and best of luck on closing the distance soon!

[Benni]

Great suggestions, thanks to all of you!

His idea of an evening with me is cuddling on the daybed while watching TV/movie together, then going to bed together. Which is all sweet and lovey-dovey, but I wouldn't be able to wind down earlier since he'll want to do that.

That's correct about my being grumpy if I don't get my quiet time at the end of the day. Maybe after he experiences that a few times, he'll see things my way.

So far, the best idea seems to compromise on every other night or weeknights to do what I want, and weekends to do what he wants (he works and has to be up at 5:30am -- so weeknights will be just go to bed to SLEEP).

Then again, after a month or so together, he might not care if I stay upstairs a while -- the rosy bloom of being together may wear off by then. *giggle, snort*

[squeeker]

Great suggestions, thanks to all of you!

His idea of an evening with me is cuddling on the daybed while watching TV/movie together, then going to bed together. Which is all sweet and lovey-dovey, but I wouldn't be able to wind down earlier since he'll want to do that.

That's correct about my being grumpy if I don't get my quiet time at the end of the day. Maybe after he experiences that a few times, he'll see things my way.

So far, the best idea seems to compromise on every other night or weeknights to do what I want, and weekends to do what he wants (he works and has to be up at 5:30am -- so weeknights will be just go to bed to SLEEP).

Then again, after a month or so together, he might not care if I stay upstairs a while -- the rosy bloom of being together may wear off by then. *giggle, snort*

I think that sounds like a reasonable compromise. Good luck! I'm sure you'll fall into a comfortable routine soon that suits you both soon enough. You both just have to make a bit of an adjustment but I think that is a fair compromise.

[Benni]

Thanks, squeeker!

[Rugger]

What about a book light? They sell small lights that you can slip onto your book or ereader to light it.

[Benni]

We did talk about that. He can't stand the tiny red dot of the smoke alarm overhead, let alone a brighter light hooked onto a book.

We have discussed all kinds of options (at least he is WILLING to discuss them). It seems to boil down to "who's going to get their own way with this one?"
and compromising is the only way -- neither of us getting exactly what we want, only partly. I'm ok with that, I can be flexible ......... sort of.......... *sarcasm*

[BabyGund]

So the options are you go to bed with him and not get the wind down you want...or you wind down in another room and not go to bed with him.

The compromise is the reading light and if he can't agree to that, I'm not sure what else there is.

Have you looked into the LightWedge? Yes, it's more expensive than most book lights, but the light is more subtle.

[snow_girl]

Could he get an eye mask for sleeping?