Preferred method when handling finances

[differentcountries]

Re bills: we had loosely talked about sharing utilities 70/30 since he makes a lot more than I do.

For people who have separate savings, how do you deal with retirement savings?

Is it done separately?
Do you have a retirement savings goal as a couple? Do you discuss how much each person needs to save etc?

Will you continue to split bills once you retire regardless of who has more savings?

Sorry for all the questions, but I realize what little experience I have in this area, especially as it relates to 1st world countries. In my country of origin, couples merge all finances. In addition, the retirement payout (social security ?) from govt is grossly insufficient so private retirement fund is crucial.

I will do a lot of reading and speak to financial advisers etc, but I'm curious about real couple experience.

Thanks for sharing

We don't have retirement fund per say. I used to have one, which was my personal one, but that one went down in flames when I got sick so no fund as of now. I will concentrate the next couple of years to pay off loans. Also, me and my husband are selling and buying flats these days. Owning property is a good way of saving, too.

I guess if there is a retirement fund it will be for the two of us. Or three... I don't know. There is really a lot to think about, and those are good questions. Others questions is when do you stop paying off debt and start to save, or do you do both at the same time...

I imagine that sweet day when we all retire, there will not be that much costs to split because by then we should be finished paying off our mortages, and apart from food and travels there will not be a need for much.

In my country, more and more people start to save up privately for their older days because if you live long any savings will be tapped into sooner, plus people like to be generous towards family and you can't do that lot unless you saved up for it- But if you own your own house you are also good, because then every year you can reap all the tax benifits that comes from owning your own home.

[differentcountries]

Like I said, if you don't trust the person, don't get a joint account. I know, even if my man and I decided to get a divorce, neither of us would simply claim all the money or take it and leave without telling the other person. I am not judging people who have separate accounts, I just feel like they are unnecessary if you really trust your partner.

Please, you risk sounding naive, braggy as well as having a career as a fortune teller. Noone knows all about how anyone will behave once they are hurt and in mourning, and sometimes people are not their best selves. Nicer people than you have behaved in absurd ways after a breakup, and not just about money either. But it is not about that. It is just I would feel uncomfortable in daily life not having certain things that are mine; my diary, my bank account and the uppertunity to take a dump alone if I want to. I can choose to read my diary out loud, or share my money or leave the bathroom door open, but it is not something anyone can expect me to do. In reality, of course I do talk much with people about the themes I write in my diary, and a lot of our economy is joint and probably will be even further in the future, and I can't remember the last time I locked the bathroom door, but knowing I decide makes all the matter in the world to me.

[snow]

Please, you risk sounding naive, braggy as well as having a career as a fortune teller. Noone knows all about how anyone will behave once they are hurt and in mourning, and sometimes people are not their best selves. Nicer people than you have behaved in absurd ways after a breakup, and not just about money either. But it is not about that. It is just I would feel uncomfortable in daily life not having certain things that are mine; my diary, my bank account and the uppertunity to take a dump alone if I want to. I can choose to read my diary out loud, or share my money or leave the bathroom door open, but it is not something anyone can expect me to do. In reality, of course I do talk much with people about the themes I write in my diary, and a lot of our economy is joint and probably will be even further in the future, and I can't remember the last time I locked the bathroom door, but knowing I decide makes all the matter in the world to me.

That's your decision. I never said it was a bad one either nor did I expect you to do anything. So go ahead and read your diary while you take a dump alone if you need to

[Petals]

Like I said, if you don't trust the person, don't get a joint account. I know, even if my man and I decided to get a divorce, neither of us would simply claim all the money or take it and leave without telling the other person. I am not judging people who have separate accounts, I just feel like they are unnecessary if you really trust your partner.

Ah, interesting discussion guys, but I don't think wanting separate accounts HAS to be about trust. People make these decisions for a variety of reasons and based on my readings it has become more advisable that people keep at least one account separate. Certainly, some do want a separate account due to insecurity and trust issues, while others do, simply to maintain some level of financial independence that they have held as a value all their lives.

Also, while we have a good idea of how our partners react in different situations, we don't really know for sure what happens at the time of divorce. Firstly, circumstances change to cause a divorce and people get hurt and betrayed so end up feeling the desire to get revenge. At the risk of oversimplification, marriage is about love and divorce is about money.

I would advise that we never remove ourselves from the handling of finances whether we have joint accounts or not, because we really trust our partners and know what they will do in the future. We can only hope that in the event of a divorce, our better selves emerge.

[R&R]

Ah, interesting discussion guys, but I don't think wanting separate accounts HAS to be about trust. People make these decisions for a variety of reasons and based on my readings it has become more advisable that people keep at least one account separate. Certainly, some do want a separate account due to insecurity and trust issues, while others do, simply to maintain some level of financial independence that they have held as a value all their lives.

Also, while we have a good idea of how our partners react in different situations, we don't really know for sure what happens at the time of divorce. Firstly, circumstances change to cause a divorce and people get hurt and betrayed so end up feeling the desire to get revenge. At the risk of oversimplification, marriage is about love and divorce is about money.

I would advise that we never remove ourselves from the handling of finances whether we have joint accounts or not, because we really trust our partners and know what they will do in the future. We can only hope that in the event of a divorce, our better selves emerge.

This is so true! No one goes into a relationship, especially a marriage, thinking it's going to end. It's love, trust and planning a future together. If they end (over 50% of marriages in the US do end in divorce), it can get pretty nasty. So, personally, no matter how much I may love someone, I will always make sure that I have my own job, account and funds. There is nothing wrong with being prepared for a worst case scenario and hope it never comes to that.

[Petals]

The only thing I want to comment about is why if your are so deeply in love would you even say "if you get a divorce". Come on it wouldn't even cross your mind surely, I know with all my heart that my fiance and I are soul mates and that we will be together forever and always. Negative things like divorce etc would never cross our minds, we don't worry about anything in our relationship, which is being positive and confident. To some people it may sound naive or unrealistic to say that, but to me it shows I am confident in our relationship and he feels exactly the same way Of course I know there will be times of stress, misunderstandings and grief etc, that's life.

Also this thread was asking "preferred way of dealing with finances" and it seems to be this has turned into a debate about different opinions.

Why think about divorce?
Uhmm...because it is a real possibility. Most people enter marriages thinking it will last a lifetime but in many cases it doesn't happen that way. When I got married before, I didn't think I would end up divorced...but it happened. My fiance and I are both divorcees so we do know that it is a possibility. Do we think we will end up divorced nope, because we were more careful in our selection of partners. In the same breath...nobody can predict the future.

Anyways, we discussed the matter and decided that we will have both joint and separate accounts. Our joint accounts will be for bills, vacations and joint savings/investments. Our individual accounts will be for our personal/discretionary purchases and of course his business accounts will remain separate, but I will be made a signatory on the accounts, since I will be his office manager.

We already have a joint account and credit cards.

[differentcountries]

The only thing I want to comment about is why if your are so deeply in love would you even say "if you get a divorce". Come on it wouldn't even cross your mind surely, I know with all my heart that my fiance and I are soul mates and that we will be together forever and always. Negative things like divorce etc would never cross our minds, we don't worry about anything in our relationship, which is being positive and confident. To some people it may sound naive or unrealistic to say that, but to me it shows I am confident in our relationship and he feels exactly the same way Of course I know there will be times of stress, misunderstandings and grief etc, that's life.

It is not naive but you don't speak from a place of experience. I was deeply in love with my ex, and, I believe, she was in me too. We never discucced such grim matters as divorce, we were simply meant to be and we would sort out our small negative stuff, of that we were sure. So we married, and it was wonderful, and then she fell out of love for reasons only she knows, and we both behaved in ways we would rather forget, and in the process of divorce she became this strange and bitter person (who is now luckily replaced by a new version of her, namely the caring friend).

Me and my now husband have talked about divorce a lot, especially through our more difficult times. I have known the man practucally all my adult life, even if I divorced him I could never cut him out of my life - although we always joke that if we broke up, he would become a hermit with a funny hat, and I would go out too much to sordid clubs, and so it is best that we continue to be together because we wouldn't function too well on our own, haha! And we are never ever in a million years getting a divorce, I want to cry just at the thought of divorcing him - but I have no problem talking about the concept. In fact, when we made certain changes in our life, we said: we have to do this to not get divorced! For instance how we spent our money. We basically lent money to live easier for some time while I went back to work, and everyone was like, how can you afford that? I just told them: divorces cost money, too! I have complained about my husband being too distant at times, and told him straight; if you don't change I want you to move out, because I want a proper relationship and you to act like you are here with me. He changed, and he stayed.

With SO, I will say moving to my country equals marriage, and he has told me that he is worried because he has friends who were lots in love, married a woman from my country and moved here, didn't like it there/fell out of love/got divorced for some reason and came back, which to him seems meaningless and equals his worst nightmare. He doesn't want that to happen to him and to us. To him falling for me is the biggest step he made, it would devestate him if things didn't work out and he sees that as a real possability - but like a true Turk he talks about his worries straight, without any shyness, which is very useful in order for us to prevent our common nightmare from happening.

In my first marriage I never worried about our future; why would I, when I felt so settled? Now I worry about love, because I have learnt that I have my weak spots, as does everyone else, and that sometimes you have to fight hard, much harder than you imagined. Life can be overwealmingly stressful, it can bring on misunderstandings you don't even understand how came to be, life can be grief like an ocean.

I am not saying everyone will go through what we did with my health and all (I certainly hope you don't), but in time usually life gives you and everyone else a smack or two in the head, and you don't always see it coming. It is better to prepare for the worst and be surprised thing didn't turn out so bad! I don't believe that having an optimistic outlook neccesarily will bring about happy outcomes while a grimmer outlook will be the downfall of the relationship. I have found the oposite to be true; although we have a lot of fun I am always thinking the worst and am on the outlook of faults to fix - because I know so well that sometimes things stagnate to a point where they can't be fixed, and that's not where I want to end up. I am always thinking that tomorrow I can loose my guys, tomorrow they might fall out of love, if I am not careful, so I am always careful and sometimes really dramatic about small matters because I can't sleep having those small conflicts that might grow larger, or doubts that might turn into exits. In my former relationship I assumed that my loved one would tell me what she was thinking, in my current relationships I don't trust what anybody says, I am all on body language level and both boys claim I can read their mind (and feel loved through it). I believe that is what it takes. I don't see that as negative, it is just reality.