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**R&R** · January 19, 2015, 07:16 AM

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Right now is a very overwhelming time for you. I remember that when I closed the distance with my ex-husband. I think sometimes the final months before the move can be even harder than the LDR itself.

If you are the one who is moving, you have to deal with the emotions of leaving everything you know behind and starting over someplace new. Even though your SO is there waiting and it's all that you want, it's still a big move to make.

It does get better. You will start to focus. Definitely tell your SO how you are feeling. And we're all here for you too.

**Hollandia** · January 19, 2015, 07:23 AM

I have been there. What you need is two things, you need to vent and cry, and then you need to kick yourself in the ass.

It is good to allow yourself to be sad, wallow in it for a short time, cry it out, watch a ton of rom-coms if you want and really own that pain and vent to us and your peeps in real life that will listen.

Then you need to stop. You need to remind yourself of the light at the end of your tunnel. You need to bitch slap yourself into getting motivated for things that will improve your future with your SO. You need to kick depressions ass in the face and arm yourself with the knowledge of the future you have coming. You need to be strong and push forward. You need to be ready for this to hit you again and again and each time fight it with the strength of your love and how your doing this will make your life together so amazing.

If you ever want to talk, PM me. What you describe is clinical depression, food does not taste as good and not much else interests you, and sleeping is only time you are happy w/o your SO. I have faced that several times and leaning on friends and venting is a first step but ultimately only YOU can work through it. Use every tool you have in you and you can do it, just keep reminding yourself of that, you are strong enough, this is your beast of burden and you will defeat it.

**Petals** · January 19, 2015, 07:26 AM

Originally posted by R&R View Post

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Right now is a very overwhelming time for you. I remember that when I closed the distance with my ex-husband. I think sometimes the final months before the move can be even harder than the LDR itself.

If you are the one who is moving, you have to deal with the emotions of leaving everything you know behind and starting over someplace new. Even though your SO is there waiting and it's all that you want, it's still a big move to make.

It does get better. You will start to focus. Definitely tell your SO how you are feeling. And we're all here for you too.

Thank you so much! Yes, I'm the one moving, but this will be my 3rd international move. He messaged me a minute ago asking if I'm sure I'm ok and I told him I will be ok. He has to be up in 4hrs, so I can't do this to him. I will talk to him about it tomorrow. He's been having a really hard time too and been quite needy lately.

I will call a friend and go out this afternoon. I'm beginning to think that cutting back on my social activities is not going to help this process. Not that I feel like going anywhere, but I know being around people usually helps and it had been part of my routine.

**Petals** · January 19, 2015, 07:53 AM

Originally posted by Hollandia View Post

I have been there. What you need is two things, you need to vent and cry, and then you need to kick yourself in the ass.

It is good to allow yourself to be sad, wallow in it for a short time, cry it out, watch a ton of rom-coms if you want and really own that pain and vent to us and your peeps in real life that will listen.

Then you need to stop. You need to remind yourself of the light at the end of your tunnel. You need to bitch slap yourself into getting motivated for things that will improve your future with your SO. You need to kick depressions ass in the face and arm yourself with the knowledge of the future you have coming. You need to be strong and push forward. You need to be ready for this to hit you again and again and each time fight it with the strength of your love and how your doing this will make your life together so amazing.

If you ever want to talk, PM me. What you describe is clinical depression, food does not taste as good and not much else interests you, and sleeping is only time you are happy w/o your SO. I have faced that several times and leaning on friends and venting is a first step but ultimately only YOU can work through it. Use every tool you have in you and you can do it, just keep reminding yourself of that, you are strong enough, this is your beast of burden and you will defeat it.

Thanks for the offer

. I'm not too sure about clinical depression since I experienced deep depression after my mom died and this is different. I'm not particular sad, all the time neither. I'm just really unmotivated to do anything that's not related to moving/wedding. I'm basically going through the motions at my full time job - even been late a few times, but I do my job. My part-time job is severely affected though.

Sleeping has been really difficult with some nights only getting 2/3 hours. I've been bitch slapping myself and it doesn't seem to be working so that's why I'm so angry with myself.

**differentcountries** · January 19, 2015, 07:53 AM

You really need your friends right now. You can try to enertain with them in cheaper ways, or just look at it as investment. Frankly, I think the idea of cutting back on friend time before a move is a crap idea. So many people do this, and then wonder why their friends can't come see them, don't contact them etc. You will be moving to a place of limited social network for you. It is crucial that you will have some social bonds where you live, both for the present and future time. It is ok to focus on the wedding and move, but if you treat your friends like they are not important, you will get the same treatment in return.

My suggestion is that, apart from the things you have to do for the move, live your life EXACTLY as you would would you stay there further. Then you can make the most of your time there. 5 months is still almost half a year! When you go, you will need to be filled up on good experiences of what you have left behind. If not, you will be very dependant on your SO and the supposedly perfect start on your life there with him. This phase can be overwealming but it should not knock you out. Perhaps it would be an idea to keep a journal for yourself if you are not already? To savour all your thoughts, pictures, memories and so on, something you can both bring for yourself and to show others when you get there.

Also, get something done about your sleep. Lack of sleep ruins everything that is good. I find that when I have trouble sleeping and relaxing, nail mats help me. They give a lot of the same endorphines that work out does.

Give yourself a treat. Take yourself out for dinner. Go to the grocery store and buy a few items that you love and that might kickstart your appetite. You have to eat a lot to have strenght, especially when you are tired, upset and sad.

I agree you should not let SO be responsible for your happiness, but at the same time, by not informing him that you find the moving process hard, you are blocking his ability to help you. If you tell him something like "I find the process really hard, can we find something to do about it together?", the two of you can brainstorm about it together and he can get updates about the different things you try etc. Me and my boyfriend do this a lot, even when nothing we try works much it makes us feel closer because we don't feel alone. If he can be there for you in these difficult times, it will also be something you will remember later on. I know you want to be strong, but reaching out also is caring for yourself.

**Petals** · January 19, 2015, 07:58 AM

Originally posted by differentcountries View Post

You really need your friends right now. You can try to enertain with them in cheaper ways, or just look at it as investment. Frankly, I think the idea of cutting back on friend time before a move is a crap idea. So many people do this, and then wonder why their friends can't come see them, don't contact them etc. You will be moving to a place of limited social network for you. It is crucial that you will have some social bonds where you live, both for the present and future time. It is ok to focus on the wedding and move, but if you treat your friends like they are not important, you will get the same treatment in return.

My suggestion is that, apart from the things you have to do for the move, live your life EXACTLY as you would would you stay there further. Then you can make the most of your time there. 5 months is still almost half a year! When you go, you will need to be filled up on good experiences of what you have left behind. If not, you will be very dependant on your SO and the supposedly perfect start on your life there with him. This phase can be overwealming but it should not knock you out. Perhaps it would be an idea to keep a journal for yourself if you are not already? To savour all your thoughts, pictures, memories and so on, something you can both bring for yourself and to show others when you get there.

Also, get something done about your sleep. Lack of sleep ruins everything that is good. I find that when I have trouble sleeping and relaxing, nail mats help me. They give a lot of the same endorphines that work out does.

Give yourself a treat. Take yourself out for dinner. Go to the grocery store and buy a few items that you love and that might kickstart your appetite. You have to eat a lot to have strenght, especially when you are tired, upset and sad.

I agree you should not let SO be responsible for your happiness, but at the same time, by not informing him that you find the moving process hard, you are blocking his ability to help you. If you tell him something like "I find the process really hard, can we find something to do about it together?", the two of you can brainstorm about it together and he can get updates about the different things you try etc. Me and my boyfriend do this a lot, even when nothing we try works much it makes us feel closer because we don't feel alone. If he can be there for you in these difficult times, it will also be something you will remember later on. I know you want to be strong, but reaching out also is caring for yourself.

Thank you so much for this! You make some really valid points here

**Hollandia** · January 19, 2015, 08:07 AM

When my dad died I was beyond description lost in depression. I think there are different forms of depression. I hope increasing your social activities helps. It sounds like you are already pushing forward and perhaps there are some things you just don't want to do, simply because you don't want to do them. Moving away from my former home was hard and you might feel a need to distance yourself a bit to cut back on the pain of that loss, but how soon are you moving? I still miss my dog ( ex got her) like mad, but I pet her till the day I left. I don't think if I had stopped any sooner it would hurt any less.

**Petals** · January 19, 2015, 08:30 AM

Originally posted by Hollandia View Post

When my dad died I was beyond description lost in depression. I think there are different forms of depression. I hope increasing your social activities helps. It sounds like you are already pushing forward and perhaps there are some things you just don't want to do, simply because you don't want to do them. Moving away from my former home was hard and you might feel a need to distance yourself a bit to cut back on the pain of that loss, but how soon are you moving? I still miss my dog ( ex got her) like mad, but I pet her till the day I left. I don't think if I had stopped any sooner it would hurt any less.

The move is not until June...I know mentally I'm shut down regarding my life here, because I'm doing so much there related to my move. We're renovating and making purchases for our life there, while I'm seeking buyers for my stuff here. I've been doing a lot of research in preparation for my life there and it seems my mind has already left the US.

**differentcountries** · January 19, 2015, 09:02 AM

I am moving. I mean like, very very soon. We are looking to buy and sell almost at the same time, we have already signed contracts with a real estate broker. I spend my days online finding potentional flats, or out in the snow flatsearching. Yesterday when I went to the local church, I said to myself, well who knows when I will be back here much? Everytime I get something in the mail, it reminds me that I will soon change adresses. I look at my walls and I see what needs to be done to them, painting and what not. I look at my things and I see items to use or discard for flat presentation. Every weekend, we are throwing out stuff, tidying, demolishing. Every book and CD I own will go in a box, first in the basement, then on storage. It is very hard to be present in this flat, in this life. Mentally, I am aready living in the area me and my husband chose, we don't really feel like we live where we do anymore, our headspace is filled with the new bus we will take to work, the mountains that will be our view. At the same time, everything of me and SO is in boxes in Turkey, awaiting our move into the new flat there in April. SO lives makeshift with a friend on his sofa. I don't "really" live anywhere anymore. Everything I do is preperations for something else. It is hard to stay in the present, but I force myself to do it. A couple of nights ago I went to my friend's book launching event, I felt tired and was unsure, but I took a taxi out there. She was so grateful that I came, and our other friend did not have to come alone, and I felt so moved listening to all the speaches and eating the food (she did a cookbook, so we got recipie samples), treating myself to a glass of wine and connecting with her... And I think that while it is nice to be in the future (I am so happy about everything because in a new flat we will have room for a baby and more), if you don' stay grounded in your present too, you risk loosing yourself. If you feel yourself going numb, do something about it. If you feel the process is overwealming you, find a space where that is ok. If your house is a mess because you are redecorating, at least save one room at a time where you can be safe and retreat. Find some pockets in your daily/weekly life that is not about the move, but about you, your interests, your work, your friends - find those pockets and hold on to them.

**Hollandia** · January 19, 2015, 09:09 AM

Originally posted by Petals View Post

The move is not until June...I know mentally I'm shut down regarding my life here, because I'm doing so much there related to my move. We're renovating and making purchases for our life there, while I'm seeking buyers for my stuff here. I've been doing a lot of research in preparation for my life there and it seems my mind has already left the US.

I felt the same way before I moved and I love my new life here, but USA still remains home for me. One I hope to someday bring him too, and perhaps he feels the same way about NL. I guess, too some extent the grass is always greener, just enjoy life wherever you are. You will be with him soon, but your surroundings are just sand.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10152180736291135

**Unicorn26** · January 19, 2015, 09:21 AM

Sending you vertical hugs and lots of support, you can vent here! We all understand and are here for you xxx

**Ahava** · January 19, 2015, 10:58 AM

I can't offer much more than hugs. Take care!

**Redheart14** · January 19, 2015, 03:03 PM

Oh wow! This is so how I'm feeling right now. I'm here if you need me so please feel free to contact me. Oh I wish I could hug you. I've going through the same thing feeling down about things since I've been back. And I feel like I'm not home unless I'm with my SO. Remember this: you are SO CLOSE! You will want to make the most of your time there as when you get over here you don't want to look back at your last few months and think "I didn't make any memories" or feel that the time was miserable. Make sure you socialise with your friends and keep pressing on. Look at it as you're a tourist and do all the things you'd like before you have to leave. Throwing yourself into work does help......I found that yesterday I can attest to that. You've done so well, enjoy the last few months as you will go through times here when you will feel homesick. Don't hesitate to contact me, I'm here if you need.

**Petals** · January 19, 2015, 08:14 PM

Originally posted by Redheart14 View Post

Oh wow! This is so how I'm feeling right now. I'm here if you need me so please feel free to contact me. Oh I wish I could hug you. I've going through the same thing feeling down about things since I've been back. And I feel like I'm not home unless I'm with my SO. Remember this: you are SO CLOSE! You will want to make the most of your time there as when you get over here you don't want to look back at your last few months and think "I didn't make any memories" or feel that the time was miserable. Make sure you socialise with your friends and keep pressing on. Look at it as you're a tourist and do all the things you'd like before you have to leave. Throwing yourself into work does help......I found that yesterday I can attest to that. You've done so well, enjoy the last few months as you will go through times here when you will feel homesick. Don't hesitate to contact me, I'm here if you need.

I hope we can both pull it together soon. I went to the movies with a friend and it was a good escape for a few hours.

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