How To Tell My Parents I'm Moving?

[gypsysoul]

I have the money, I have a place to get my degree, I will be about half an hour from relatives, nearly everything is in line. Nothing exciting comes to people who aren't willing to take a bit of a risk. Thank you all for the concern and care that you have for me, but my mind is already made. I didn't ask if I should move or not.

[whatruckus]

You sound exactly like the other poster with the whole "risk" thing.

You still haven't answered anyone's questions when it comes to your SO. Or what your backup plan is.

Then what's the point in trying to get your parents on board if your "mind is already made"? What was the point of the thread and asking for advice? Even if your parents aren't okay with it, you're already going to go.

Again, I never understand the attitude people give on here when they make threads asking for advice and find that 90% of the people replying aren't saying what they want to hear. Which, part of the reason why you're getting negative replies to your plan is because, like I said, you haven't answered all the questions. Most of the questions we asked you are going to be the exact same ones your parents are going to ask, as well as the same exact concerns we, as strangers, have. Imagine how magnified the concerns of your parents are going to be in comparison to ours.

I also don't understand how you can say in one post that your plan isn't even made up, yet now you're saying in this other one that "nearly everything is in line." Which is it?

Would your relatives be willing to take you in, should things go awry? Is that something you're going to discuss with them? Do you have enough money to sustain yourself, for the whole year, or semester, if things don't work out.

I might always seem like a Negative Nancy, but someone has to bring reality in. Yes, it's all nice and dandy to be moving to your SO, and super exciting, but that excitement wears off real quick if your plan isn't fully thought out and money issues, or even relationship issues, start to come to light.

Sure everything in life is a risk, but is this a risk you're willing to take even if your family isn't on board? Can you deal with resentment? You might be going to your "dream" school, and that's awesome, but have you already started the transfer process? Where exactly will be you staying?

Do you have enough money in case your car breaks down? For the insurance? Or, are you on your parents' insurance?

[merlinkitty]

Of course its not a good plan yet, it hasn't even been fully formed

Whatruckus hit some good points.

You came here asking us how to tell your parents you're moving. I'm assuming you want them to take you seriously. You came to a place full of strangers who don't care about your wellbeing like your parents do and this is where the conversation went. If you were to walk up to them today and tell them this plan I guarantee you the conversation with them will take the exact same turn. Try to use your experience with us, seriously look at the questions/concerns we raised and work on those.

I know you're going to be insulted by what I'm saying, but you're displaying an incredible amount of naivety and immaturity in handling this situation. I don't think there's one person in here who wants to see you fail. We're not telling you not to move. Not really anyway. What we are telling you is that if you walk up to your parents and tell them this plan you have they're going to think you're being immature and naive as well.

When I was 17 I wanted what I wanted and be damned all consequences. You seem to be doing the same thing as well. The consequences of poor, not planned, or well thought out decisions are real. Life away from mom and dad isn't easy. It's rewarding when you get it right, but it's not easy. Your parents, regardless what you may think of them, make it look a lot easier than you realize because they've had a lot of practice at it.

Instead of going to them and telling them you're moving, go to them and tell them what you want to do and ask for their input on it. You're not ready to commit to a move yet, as much as you're determined to believe you are.

Please listen and take our advice to heart. It's meant to help you

[gypsysoul]

The fine details have not been worked out, but the major things are taken care of, so the others will work themselves out as the date comes nearer. I didn't want advice on getting my parents on board, I wanted advice on helping them cope with the change. My boyfriend is 23 (here comes the lecture about the age difference), I met him through my close friend when we all went to a concert and spent the weekend together, he makes about $800 a week at the restaurant he works at and brings in usually several hundred a week through his online tshirt business, but I don't include that with the $800 because it isn't steady or reliable since the sales or so unpredictable, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know and makes me happier than anything. I'm sorry for being defensive. I know I'm young and I'm dumb, but I think part of growing up is making mistakes and falling on your face a few times.

[whatruckus]

The fine details have not been worked out, but the major things are taken care of, so the others will work themselves out as the date comes nearer. I didn't want advice on getting my parents on board, I wanted advice on helping them cope with the change. My boyfriend is 23 (here comes the lecture about the age difference), I met him through my close friend when we all went to a concert and spent the weekend together, he makes about $800 a week at the restaurant he works at and brings in usually several hundred a week through his online tshirt business, but I don't include that with the $800 because it isn't steady or reliable since the sales or so unpredictable, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know and makes me happier than anything. I'm sorry for being defensive. I know I'm young and I'm dumb, but I think part of growing up is making mistakes and falling on your face a few times.

But, if this turns out to be a mistake, it's a mistake your parents are going to remember and resent you for. You don't want that. I've made many mistakes in my life, and still making more, and some of them (largely being with my ex) my parents still haven't forgiven me for. Is that what you want? How long have you two been together?

They're never going to cope with it if they don't trust you or him. I'm telling you that right now.

Also, I thought my ex made me happier than anything. Look what happened there.

[R&R]

The fine details have not been worked out, but the major things are taken care of, so the others will work themselves out as the date comes nearer. I didn't want advice on getting my parents on board, I wanted advice on helping them cope with the change. My boyfriend is 23 (here comes the lecture about the age difference), I met him through my close friend when we all went to a concert and spent the weekend together, he makes about $800 a week at the restaurant he works at and brings in usually several hundred a week through his online tshirt business, but I don't include that with the $800 because it isn't steady or reliable since the sales or so unpredictable, he has the biggest heart of anyone I know and makes me happier than anything. I'm sorry for being defensive. I know I'm young and I'm dumb, but I think part of growing up is making mistakes and falling on your face a few times.

My daughter and her fiance are 4 years apart in age. (Yes, that means for two years she was a minor and he was a legal adult but I was well aware of the situation.) When I was 18 I was dating a guy who was 24. Your age gap isn't that big.

17 doesn't necessarily constitute "young and dumb". It does mean that you do have a lot of growing up to do and learning experiences on their way. As I tell my daughters (my other daughter is 20) "Learn from my experiences and mistakes. If I can save you an ounce of heartache or struggle or stop you from making a bad decision, I will." There is nothing wrong from learning from others experiences - that's actually a sign of maturity.
When you were younger, and you were told not to touch the stove because it was hot, did you put your hand on the burner just to make sure or did you take advice from someone who knew? I bet you listened and didn't touch the stove. Same concept - people just don't want you to touch the stove instead of having to take you to the ER and deal with the scars for the rest of your life.

[gypsysoul]

I have talked to family already and they welcomed me into their home while I'm going to school. I plan on living with Matt, but if things don't work out I at least have a place to go. I do have money saved up and would begin looking for a job as soon as I got to Oklahoma. I know that my parents may resent me if I go against their wishes, but they aren't the type of parents that would turn me away if I needed help. My older sister has had many problems with my parents, but they have still taken care of her anytime she needed help and even let her move back in while her husband was deployed. I understand that all of you are only trying to help me and I apologize for such rude behavior (I guess it's teenage nature to backtalk :P) I guess what I really wanted was for people to help me plan rather than tell me I'm all wrong. I'm willing to wait longer before I move in order to have a more solid plan, I just want to be with him soon, it hurts to be so far away from someone you feel like you belong with.

[gypsysoul]

One of my older sister's has been encouraging me to leave the state for school and go against my parents' warnings to stay in this town. She told me that when I'm alone I'll accomplish much more than I even thought I could back at home and that I just have to take that leap of faith in order to really grow.

[whatruckus]

I have talked to family already and they welcomed me into their home while I'm going to school. I plan on living with Matt, but if things don't work out I at least have a place to go. I do have money saved up and would begin looking for a job as soon as I got to Oklahoma. I know that my parents may resent me if I go against their wishes, but they aren't the type of parents that would turn me away if I needed help. My older sister has had many problems with my parents, but they have still taken care of her anytime she needed help and even let her move back in while her husband was deployed. I understand that all of you are only trying to help me and I apologize for such rude behavior (I guess it's teenage nature to backtalk :P) I guess what I really wanted was for people to help me plan rather than tell me I'm all wrong. I'm willing to wait longer before I move in order to have a more solid plan, I just want to be with him soon, it hurts to be so far away from someone you feel like you belong with.

This is the type of reply I was waiting for. That's why we ask so many questions. We are trying to help you plan. We ask things that maybe you didn't consider yet. It seems annoying, but we really are trying to help. No one on here likes seeing someone else fail, especially if they're trying to close the distance. We just want to make sure this is something you're ready for and that you have all your ducks in a row before you go to your parents and tell them. The more information you have for them, and the more mature you are in the way you bring it to them, they'll be extremely appreciative and understanding. But, like I said before, you really need to get your SO and your parents into contact with each other. The more they know him, and about him, the more okay they'll be with you being there.

[whatruckus]

One of my older sister's has been encouraging me to leave the state for school and go against my parents' warnings to stay in this town. She told me that when I'm alone I'll accomplish much more than I even thought I could back at home and that I just have to take that leap of faith in order to really grow.

This is true too. Just don't pick up and leave without a plan. A solid plan, so that your parents can't be like, "Well...what if.......?"

[gypsysoul]

This is the type of reply I was waiting for. That's why we ask so many questions. We are trying to help you plan. We ask things that maybe you didn't consider yet. It seems annoying, but we really are trying to help. No one on here likes seeing someone else fail, especially if they're trying to close the distance. We just want to make sure this is something you're ready for and that you have all your ducks in a row before you go to your parents and tell them. The more information you have for them, and the more mature you are in the way you bring it to them, they'll be extremely appreciative and understanding. But, like I said before, you really need to get your SO and your parents into contact with each other. The more they know him, and about him, the more okay they'll be with you being there.

Thank you! This is what I really need. I knew most of the concerns they'd have, but I knew I'd leave something out and not have a good answer for it when I talk to them. I understand that they're going to be nervous for me, but at the same time they have never understood LDR's and I think that may be the hardest part. They don't agree that people who live so far apart can fall in love. Though they were somewhat long distance as well (60 miles apart) for the first several months and ended up getting married only 6 months after they met. They're still happily married 23 years later.

[whatruckus]

Thank you! This is what I really need. I knew most of the concerns they'd have, but I knew I'd leave something out and not have a good answer for it when I talk to them. I understand that they're going to be nervous for me, but at the same time they have never understood LDR's and I think that may be the hardest part. They don't agree that people who live so far apart can fall in love. Though they were somewhat long distance as well (60 miles apart) for the first several months and ended up getting married only 6 months after they met. They're still happily married 23 years later.

Yea, a lot of us have dealt with that from family and friends. That's why it's really best for those in your life to be as engaged with your SO as much as possible (within reason, of course). It puts their minds at ease. Think of it this way, if one of your sisters wanted to do this, but you knew nothing (really) about the guy and you never met him, wouldn't you want to know more about him? Even meet him as much as possible to get a feel for him? That's how your parents (and rest of your family) is going to feel.

[p_b82]

I just want to weigh in a little just for perspective for you, I am not saying that this will be the case for you at all, but just to give you the perspective and something else to think about.

I am in my 30's and met a woman nearly 4 years ago online as friends, we had one hell of a connection, and thought we could be perfect for each other - but we were both in relationships (that were breaking down) at the time so nothing came of it. Fast foward to June last year, our respective lives had changed and we were both single. We met and the spark was there in real life. I planned to emigrate and was starting to look at all the various different process and procedures required to achieve that - aiming for us to do that after 2 or so years (she was in the US, so visas needed etc). Within 6 months of us formally going out however it was all over. She loves me hugely, but is not in love with me (and apparently has since actually fallen in love for the first time in her life since we split up, nearly 2 months ago). I was going to propose to her when she came over to visit me - and meet my family in just a few weeks time.... but obviously this is not going to happen now, but the point in I was 'sure' that while we had a few issues, we could work them out. I do not take marriage lightly - but I felt that she was *the one* - love can be blind though, and I have since seen the error of my ways in a few cases and am working on moving on properly....

I told my parents my plans, and while nothing was worked out it was very very early days, my relationship with my father was nearly destroyed. They too would have always taken me back in if I was in trouble - and I had to move in to theirs 2 years ago when my previous CD 5.5 year relationship ended and I needed to get out our jointly purchased house while the paperwork went through on my new place - but the point is, are you really prepared for that aspect if they say we don't want you to do this right now?
My father then had a huge health scare, he had to have two internal organs removed due to cancer, and has has a form of blood cancer that is now thankfully dormant - but I was still going to leave even with all this going on... Would you be able to?

Sometimes you really have to see and think about things way outside the box you are focusing on - because a move of this scale will affect and effect you hugely, not just the school aspects but socially and mentally too. you will be giving up your existing support network, that you might not realise just how important it is to you, until you leave it behind.

You do seem like you have got a good head on your shoulders in fairness, but I think maybe spend a bit more time on the plan - I am sure you would be able to transfer after another year, that would be able to give you and your family more chance to come to terms with this move, they can feel more settled about it, and ultimately, you can see if the relationship is solid enough to last, and reduce the risk factors hugely here.

Your friend was kinda right, if you do not go and get something yourself, you can't expect anything to happen - but you should also take the mature and responsible perspective to reduce the risk factors to as small as possible first.

I would hate for the worst to happen, your move there, the relationship breaks down, you get in huge debt, drop out the course and have to move home again.... that would be one seriously tough life lesson to learn, and should that be the way this journey ends, it could have been avoided with just a little less haste....

Either way, good luck with it, and I wish you all the best

[Moon]

I have a different opinion than most. While I have no idea what to tell your parents, because if you were my daughter, I'd probably chain you to your room, I think that if you're so determined to go, you should. Look, if you're gonna make a mess out of your life, 18 is the time to do it. You'll have plenty of time to fix things afterwards.

My one piece of advice is, don't sign up for school until you've been there at least 6 months, probably longer. Statistically speaking, this will not be your forever relationship like you think, at 17 it very, very rarely is. I get that I don't understand, and I don't know how strong your feelings are, etc., but wait several months and see how it goes before you take out huge loans that you'll need to pay back regardless. Take a semester or two off, then if things are still going very well, find your school. You can work in the meantime and save up a little cushion for yourself in case you need it. Do what you want, but do it intelligently, and you'll save yourself a ton of heartache and thousands in debt that way.

[R&R]

Your friend was kinda right, if you do not go and get something yourself, you can't expect anything to happen - but you should also take the mature and responsible perspective to reduce the risk factors to as small as possible first.

I would hate for the worst to happen, your move there, the relationship breaks down, you get in huge debt, drop out the course and have to move home again.... that would be one seriously tough life lesson to learn, and should that be the way this journey ends, it could have been avoided with just a little less haste....

Either way, good luck with it, and I wish you all the best

The part I bolded is SO important. Pretty much everything in life is a risk but reducing those risk factors as much as possible is very important in all things.

Right now I am working with a woman who at 22 moved cross-country to Los Angeles to live with her boyfriend and transferred schools. She's 23, the relationship is over, she had to drop out of school, is at risk of defaulting on her student loans and can't make ends meet. She is was just promoted from barista to a shift manager at a coffee shop. Her exact words to me, "this wasn't at all what I planned". Always be prepared for anything.