Things to think About?

[Unconditional]

Hi guys,

So, not that my SO and I are looking at closing the distance anytime soon or anything, but I was just wondering about when it arises what you guys have thought about or just general issue or problems to think about when thinking about closing.

Kinda hoping this could be a compilation of maybe tips and advice for future reference seeing as I searched for something similar and couldn't find it.


In short, what are some issues (big or small) to keep in mind or think about before even thinking about going CD?

[differentcountries]

Money is always an issue. Money to close the distance/pay for visa, who will work with what to get money for the household, what will you spend your money on... The most surprising thing about us semi-closing the distance (is that I am there a lot in our shared flat), is the we keep arguing about weather or not to buy straws for drinks. I want to buy straws, he doesn't want to. He get superannoyed about the prices of straws, then usually gets them at work. I don't think he realizes that I would gladly pay for straws because he make such a big deal out of it. He knows we will be making drinks, but he doesn't get the straws before I come. There are other times too when he is more stingy with money than I am... I have had to get more stingly though, because I just had lots of moving expenses in my country plus the visits are getting harder to finance. So, in a way he is right - we shouldn't spend unneccesary. And I earned lots of "wife points" for getting cheap household supplies on the last visit. But I just might bring straws on my next visit.

Another theme: pets. We have a cat that we slowly came to assume responsability for. We sometimes differ on how to feed him, though. And weather or not we should keep him indoors /in the bed at night.

Other things: jobs. I have sometimes struggled because he works and sometimes he has asked me to to errands (other than housework) during his working hours, when I am supposed to study (I usually study for my project and often Turkish as well). Just because what I do have no set hours, doesn't mean that it is not important. I expect him to do his errands before I come, or we can do them together after his work.

Social life: Do you go ok with each other's friends and family? How many nights/free time should you be to yourself, and how often see friends or family? Should you mainly have seperate friends, or "couple" friends? Do you entertain them in your home, go to them or meet out or doing a hobby? (for instance, I think we entertain in the house too little. And I would like at least one friend that is not one of his friends or dating one of his friends).

Food: What do you eat? how do you eat? who makes the food? We are lucky because we both like Turkish food and we both like to cook. He has been working hard to get me to get up early for a formal breakfast before his work, but it is actually quite nice. He does all of it and I get energy to do the dishes and other housework a little later.

Household chores and level of cleanliness. My SO openly admits that when I am not there, he lives like a teenager, and his way of "tidiying up" before I come is not to my level of cleanliness and tidyness. Most visits I spend a couple of hours clening the whole flat on my 2nd day there. He is good with dishes though, and he likes my system I think (I actually put his stuff in the closet streamlined and ready to count, like in the military. Then he tries on 5 different things, like a girl, throws back the 4 he did not choose, and everything looks like a mess. But his clothes are clean and he is happy).

Last but not least: communication. how are you towards each other when things are good? when things are bad? when there are misunderstandings and vague expectations? Do you have a realistic overview of each others' personalities and your preffered ways of dealing with conflict? What is your level for admitting you might have contributed to what happende, and can you say sorry and make up after a fight?

[Redheart14]

Who makes the move is perhaps the biggest one.
One person will leave behind their friends and family so I guess working out how to accomodate for that with trips back home or fly their family out to you etc.
Working out why it's more beneficial for one to move, as you need to look at it from job perspectives. You don't just refuse to move if he has less chance of work where you live. You really need to work all this out and be on the same page with it as you don't want one of you to resent the other for moving. I think once you've worked that out all the other things DC said would come next. But to me if you don't get on the same page with who is making the move then it'll only cause trouble later on down the track.

[Kapwned]

One thing I've been struggling with is healthcare coverage. In my state, students get free healthcare coverage, and in the city I am going to be living in for college, they do not have any doctors who take my insurance. Even though I plan on staying there because while I am going to college I will simultaneously be closing the distance, I planned on keeping residence in my home state just while in college. But now I'm thinking of changing my residence to NY and seeing about getting health insurance there.

[differentcountries]

The area or neighbourhood you will be staying in. Does the other person prefer city, country side? It will help if it somehow resembles what the person moving us used to a little bit or would grow to like. My SO is used to staying central, I can't afford to live quite as central here as he is used a couple of minutes walking distance from city centre /job, but I just moved to a place that is maximum ten minute bus ride from the city centre. Plus it is green here, and also he is used to easy access to stores and restaurants which is here because I live 2 minute walk from a shopping mall. He loves bike rides, which is very easy where I live. We have gone for walks here which he likes.

[Zephii]

Different countries, you can by glass or metal straws so it isn't an ongoing cost, they are always there at your unit, and they don't destroy the environment.

Unconditional, The one thing we struggled with when we closed the distance was how to have fun together in person. During visits there had been touristy things, meeting people etc but in every day life we didn't have the money or time for the things we'd done on visits and we didn't have any real experience having fun without being at our computers. It sounds really stupid, but it caused us a lot of problems.

[differentcountries]

Thanks Zephii, I could go for just buying a couple of reusable straws and sell the idea to him as caring for the environment!

Yes, having fun together in person is actually a challenge. I noticed this in late fall/winter when he had a lot more spare time or was not working, he is crap at entertaining himself, it was cold and we were a bit bored. Then we started watching movies together, which he seriously never have done with a girl, haha, that also helps me learning Turkish. I also have the ambition to teach him acro yoga. We bike ride a lot, or walk. Take care of the cat. Hang at his friend's workplaces getting free teas. And we looked into some things that were not too expensive to do . We do still struggle with it though. I think we drink too much on visits, so I want us to make more non-alco drinks and food. And invite guests over. Maybe join a gym together. It is an ongoing process.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Who makes the move is perhaps the biggest one.
One person will leave behind their friends and family so I guess working out how to accomodate for that with trips back home or fly their family out to you etc.
Working out why it's more beneficial for one to move, as you need to look at it from job perspectives. You don't just refuse to move if he has less chance of work where you live. You really need to work all this out and be on the same page with it as you don't want one of you to resent the other for moving. I think once you've worked that out all the other things DC said would come next. But to me if you don't get on the same page with who is making the move then it'll only cause trouble later on down the track.

This hits the nail on the head. In my opinion (other than money troubles), the biggest difference between moving in together CD and moving in together LD is the fact that one person has to leave their home. Other than that, I feel like many things are similar things that you would think about if you were a "normal" couple moving in together, such as finances or chores.

[Kapwned]

This hits the nail on the head. In my opinion (other than money troubles), the biggest difference between moving in together CD and moving in together LD is the fact that one person has to leave their home. Other than that, I feel like many things are similar things that you would think about if you were a "normal" couple moving in together, such as finances or chores.

Seconded. I already had a similar talk with my boyfriend. He offered to have me move there, and I was upfront about everything such as the fact that when I feel a need for social interaction I may cling to him a bit because I won't know anyone else there and I'm not the best at putting myself out there and making friends. I think for the person who is having their SO move to them, they should be prepared to show some sympathy for that kind of stuff. Don't just expect them to move to you and magically have their own social life. So if they want to go out to a festival, or to the movies, and they want company, the SO should be prepared for them to be the one they want to tag along.

[differentcountries]

I think for the person who is having their SO move to them, they should be prepared to show some sympathy for that kind of stuff. Don't just expect them to move to you and magically have their own social life. So if they want to go out to a festival, or to the movies, and they want company, the SO should be prepared for them to be the one they want to tag along.

I think a little differently about this. It looks as maybe SO will be moving to me (maybe), and for me it is very important that he will have his own social life in my city. And my SO is not supersocial either, I mean he is very social in his environment in town but he has worked in the same place 7 years and he is more introvert than he knows. I will absolutely introduce SO to my friends, family, my hobbies, help him take language class and so on, or anywhere he wants to go, but it is very important the he dears put himself out there on his own. I am already challenging him to that he needs to explore himself more; what he likes, what he wants to do and how he wants it done. He never had the uppertunity to do hobbies much (he worked to support himself ever since 15, when his dad died), but it is important that he tries to, and not just go on dates with me, make friends together with me (I see a lot of Turkish-Norwegian couple friends in our future) or tags along to my friends. All of that is important, but only as to underline that he is part of a couple/family. I expect him to try to make friends in his new workplace, language class or through the few friends he has in the city. I have seen what happens to guys who immigrate and don't have much friends on their own, it puts a tremendous strain on the relationship and makes the one who moves not like it there . I am not the best example on how to manage this shift myself, as I do tag along him a lot when I am there - or I am simply alone - and the langage challenges make me shy with strangers, but I am hoping that the way I struggle with these things will help me better understand his issues if or when he comes here. Maybe some of the solutions that I come up with will be helpful for him.

[Kapwned]

I wasn't saying that it isn't important that they have their own. It's just that it's more of a struggle for some and it takes time. You can't really force that kind of stuff. But until then I'm sure the person will want the company of their SO and to maybe tag along on their social outings.

[differentcountries]

If an international move, for the person moving:

How much of your stuff shall you bring? How will you transport it?

What are the rules on bringing pets?

On which visa can you close the distance - student, work, fiance/marriage/family reunion?

To what degree will you try to bother to keep in touch with things from your own country? (SO was really struggling with himself last visit: Turkish mineral water certainly is better than Norwegian, but is it worth paying much more at a specialty store? Turkish sausage (altbeit made in Germany) on the other hand: worth any kind of money. etc).

What are your expectations on frequency of visits back home?

[whatruckus]

Um, I have no advice. I just wanted to say that this is a great thread and I'm mentally jotting notes down. Thanks guys.

[Miasmata]

A smaller, but also important thing: What will the person who moves miss from their home, and how can you make up for that? Of course nobody expects you to recreate their place of origin 1:1, but thinking about the bits that made home, well, home can really help. For example, my SO loves the rainy weather here, but he does miss the mountains from Utah. That made me get a calendar with scenic Utah photos for him and I also started looking into travel to mountain areas and hiking trails in Germany. The one who moves should never expect everything to be just like they are used to, but it won't hurt trying to get the things close to their heart into the picture. It's also a good opportunity to do something fun as a couple and/or help the one who moves establish their own social circle, depending on who they go on activities with. The same thing applies to any clubs, group outings, and other hobbies - See what the area/country has!

[R&R]

When I closed this distance with my ex-husband, there were multiple things. I was the one who left everything behind, so it was a huge adjustment for me. I didn't really start making friends until I started working and I was very lucky to have an incredible group of co-workers. We still keep in touch and it's been 6 years since I moved back to NH.

There were compromises from decorating with some of my things and discussion on who did what around the house. I was lucky because we are both very organized and neat so there wasn't any arguing about how clean the house had to be kept.

If there are children involved, this can be another major factor. It was one that partially broke us down. There definitely need to be guidelines on what the new person can and can't do as far as discipline, etc. What is expected of the kids and the new person in the household.

How finances are going to be split. We kept everything pretty much separate and I kept my account back in NH. I paid my bills and he paid his. We jointly paid for groceries and any extra activities that we did.