No end in sight

[Mr Gravy]

Hey everyone! Since some of you still seem to remember me, I will post a little update on my relationship.

After our very first visit in August 2015, I immediately started working on US college applications. I thought that being a better-than-average classical guitarist with a degree in pedagogy, would help me qualify for scholarships, graduate assistantships and other types of financial aid. Though I had been admitted to the University of Minnesota and the State University of New York, they didn't offer me any assistantships and very little scholarship money; $4,000~6,000 compared to the $40,000+ of tuition.
A government-funded German scholarship I applied for also did not support me in any way. In fact, their audition and interview procedure was very sloppy, almost to the point of being demeaning.

As we watched our plan falling apart, we decided to meet again this April/May even though my SO couldn't get off of work and would have to work for 8 hours most days. It wasn't a big deal to me as I had papers to work on while she was at work. I also tried to use this second visit to get in touch with potential employers in the St. Louis area. Unfortunately, I found it very difficult to get ahold of people on the phone, let alone receive responses to any of my emails. In the end, I only met one employer in person and she pretty much told me that I won't find a job in the US with only a bachelor's degree in guitar pedagogy. She further told me that my only chance to work in the US would be to find an American girl and marry her.

Back in Germany, the post-visit-blues combined with that harsh of a reality check hit me really hard. My SO is going to start school in only a few weeks. She's paying out of pocket for now, as her family doesn't support her in any way. That means she'll also be working full-time and I'm worried that we we'll hardly even find enough time to talk anymore. At the same time, I am completely clueless what I should do after I graduate this summer.

• I could get a post-graduate degree - borderline pointless in my field?
• I could start working in Germany - would that even help us close the distance beyond earning money?
• I could receive schooling in a more marketable field - and discard everything I've been doing since high school?
• I could keep trying to find a job in the US - even though I've been told that no one would hire me?

These are the options I could think of and I don't like any of them. Why is it that - even in a highly globalized world - being born on different continents is such a big issue for two people who truly want to be together?

[yassie]

Hmm not easy, i would keep looking, its tough, and frustation, but give it the chance, its be small, but dont give up on it, and while doing it, get more Education, or work Experience, if your taking an Education to do something you love don't give up on it, if you two fight for it you Can make it, though its hard. Could you Mabye find a job, outside your Line of work, while you study in america??

[Mr Gravy]

Student visas don't allow any work off-campus and even if they did, I wouldn't be able to get a visa to begin with because I have nowhere near the annual $40,000+ school cost estimate.

[Redheart14]

I'm not in an international LDR, but I can get what you're saying. I moved to my SO and thought everything would be easy. Even being in the same country things between states varied so much that I was unable to work without further study and I had no choice but to move back home when I had a terminal illness in my family. It was such a slap in the face moment when your plans which you've talked about thousands of times don't come to fruition. Sometime plans change and now my SO is the one who will be moving to me. So is there a chance your SO can move to you? As long as you're together does it really matter to you where you are? Some might say yes, to my SO and I it is the way we can finally be together.

I know she's starting school but can she transfer? Or study abroad? It might help to look into those option (I'm not sure if you have already). I know it's hard, I've been there too. But hopefully you can try and work something out. Hope I've been of some help to you.

[Sakuu4]

I know what you are talking about.
I'm in the same situation, getting graduated soon and need to think about a plan to close the distance. I can't get a working holiday visa in my so's country.Student one, not to mention that it is expensive (way cheaper than American, but still..), doesn't allow to work more than 20hours.
I know that getting married just to have a visa it's not the ideal solution, but can it be an option for you guys? Like after trying all the rest, as a remote plan?

I think that starting to work in Germany is the best option that you have. I mean, money doesn't hurt, maybe you will be able to transfer thanks to your job/know people that could help you and if she will be the one moving, just in case, at least one of you doesn't have to search for a job.

On the other hand, I don't know if you think the same too, but personally I am afraid that starting to work in my country means less time for us and if I "settle down" too much I will start wavering about me being the one moving. (He doesn't want to leave his country and that's ok to me, as long as the both of us work things out to close the distance and not only me :\ )

[MissingMyDutchLove]

One of the few ways that you can actually (realistically) move to the U.S. is by getting a job there for an international company and then being transferred after two years. I'm not sure what career you're going into and whether this is a realistic option for you, but its by far the easiest way to move to the U.S. As someone else already said, marriage is the second way. Neither of those are ideal though.

How long will your SO be in school for? It is substantially easier for American to move to Europe through partner visas and such than the opposite way. Maybe just sit tight until she's done with school and can move to you?

[emsimes]

Speaking as someone who was formerly in a German-American relationship, all I want to say is: It's really hard being in an international LDR, and my ex-SO and I were in a very similar situation. We were both students and had no idea how we could close the distance. He talked about moving to the US and finding a job, but we both knew the "easiest" way to do so would be to marry.

As for your options, I wouldn't give up doing what you love just to find a more marketable job. I think that would make you resentful and miserable down the line :/ Also, if you don't think a Master's degree will help you in your field, I'm not so sure I would go for that either. I know how much the distance sucks (we did 4 years LD before breaking up), but I think your best option would be to hang tight, work in Germany in your field while your SO finishes school, and figure it out from there. That could give you guys time to save up more money and really figure out your future. And who knows..maybe by that point you'll be ready for marriage
That's just my 2 cents, anyways.. I'm wishing you the best of luck! Don't give up hope!

[Elizabeth123]

Keep focused on what's important to you. Just because one employer said you'll never find work doesn't mean that's the end. Are there other types of work you might find rewarding (financially and mentally)? What about an international teaching internship in your chosen field?
Keep trying you might just surprise yourself. I think you will succeed!

[Mr Gravy]

Thank you for all your replies. It's good to know that I am not alone.

So is there a chance your SO can move to you? As long as you're together does it really matter to you where you are? Some might say yes, to my SO and I it is the way we can finally be together.

Yes, definitely. My girlfriend has told me several times that she wouldn't mind making the move. However, she's never left the United States, doesn't speak a second language and I am worried that she would have a much harder time adapting to her new surroundings than I would in North America.

She also has no one to support her so she's paying for school all by herself, meaning she also works full time and doesn't really have money or time for traveling.

I think that starting to work in Germany is the best option that you have. I mean, money doesn't hurt, maybe you will be able to transfer thanks to your job/know people that could help you and if she will be the one moving, just in case, at least one of you doesn't have to search for a job.

On the other hand, I don't know if you think the same too, but personally I am afraid that starting to work in my country means less time for us and if I "settle down" too much I will start wavering about me being the one moving. (He doesn't want to leave his country and that's ok to me, as long as the both of us work things out to close the distance and not only me :\ )

I was also leaning towards trying to find work here. However, I feel exactly the same way about settling down too much. It almost feels like a waste of time to do something that doesn't directly bring us closer together.

One of the few ways that you can actually (realistically) move to the U.S. is by getting a job there for an international company and then being transferred after two years. I'm not sure what career you're going into and whether this is a realistic option for you, but its by far the easiest way to move to the U.S. As someone else already said, marriage is the second way. Neither of those are ideal though.

I doubt there are any international companies that would hire a guitar teacher.
I do understand that it might come down to marriage, but even then there are criteria to meet. Those are much tougher in the case where I move to the US, but I have already mentioned my worries about my SO possibly struggling with even just everyday life in Germany.

[...]I think your best option would be to hang tight, work in Germany in your field while your SO finishes school, and figure it out from there. That could give you guys time to save up more money and really figure out your future. And who knows..maybe by that point you'll be ready for marriage
That's just my 2 cents, anyways.. I'm wishing you the best of luck! Don't give up hope!

Yeah that's what I was considering too, even though it feels like delaying the actual decision. We definitely aren't opposed to the idea of marriage and maybe we would get married asap if it actually solved our problems. Which it does not...

Keep focused on what's important to you. Just because one employer said you'll never find work doesn't mean that's the end. Are there other types of work you might find rewarding (financially and mentally)? What about an international teaching internship in your chosen field?
Keep trying you might just surprise yourself. I think you will succeed!

I've never heard of teaching internships. Do you have any more detailed information about them?

[Miasmata]

My SO moved to Germany from America, so maybe I can give a little bit of insight regarding your SO possibly moving to Germany?

First off - Not gonna lie, finding a job is hard. No nicer way to say it, sadly. My SO has a Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering, and STEM field work is always desired, but even he struggled to find a permanent job. What we learned is that the language skills make a world of difference. If he had invested more time before moving into learning German, I think he would have found a good job much faster. So, if there's a takeaway, it's that even a basic German course will give you a big advantage.

My SO came over here with a job that one of his professors organized for him, but he unexpectedly had to leave the company after 3 months due to a lack of funding. That was a big shock, and we barely managed to get him another job before his visa expired. Lesson learned there as well, make sure you have a plan B. A partner can't stay in Germany without either having savings of a certain amount per month AND either finding a job or getting married, since they only give out visas for either workers or reunited families (which a married couple is). It's definitely harder to move to the US as a foreigner, but coming to Germany is still challenging. In my case, we had to rely on both our efforts and some financial help from our families, which we are intensely grateful for and paying back now piece by piece.

Life in Germany was surprisingly easy to adapt to for my SO, but of course there are challenges. I had to basically accompany my SO everywhere at first since he barely spoke the language, and I had to handle doing the talking on anything related to immigration, paperwork, etc. - It got better the more he studied German. He's been living here for a bit more than a year now and he now has a very firm grasp on everyday life, but it took a while to get there. It also helped that my SO reached out to other expats both online and offline, and that I included him in my social circles. A bit of effort towards helping someone feel welcome really goes a long way. But obviously, the person has to want to be there in the first place.

Regarding the job future, as tough as it is, don't put your own happiness behind what might benefit the relationship. Nobody loves to wait, but your job has to be right for you, first and foremost - The danger of resenting what you're sacrificing for the relationship is very much real. I'd suggest that you explore options for the both of you instead that you'd both enjoy trying at the very least. Try finding compromises that actually work for both of you. It's a hella tough journey, but keep your eyes and minds open Best of luck!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I don't know what life is like in Germany, but the Netherlands isn't too far off so many I can also help with how your SO would adjust to life there? Last year, I lived in the Netherlands for 6 months while I was studying. Before that, I had never been to Europe and I spoke about three words of Dutch. I'm not going to lie, it was a tough adjustment. I felt alone a lot and even simple tasks like grocery shopping felt impossible at first. It was extremely frustrating, but it's crazy how fast that turns around. Within a few months, I felt confident doing those every day tasks and even learned enough Dutch to get through transactions at the grocery store without speaking English. By the time I left, the Netherlands felt like home and even though I am nowhere near fluent in Dutch yet, I was accustomed to the pace of life there. If it means anything, I had a way harder time coming back to the U.S. than I did going to the Netherlands. I have actually decided to move there starting this summer, so I feel like that also speaks to how far you can come in a short amount of time. I guess what I'm saying is don't write the option off too soon. Will life be hard for her at first? Absolutely. There is no doubt about it, it will be a challenge and a struggle and she will have moments that she absolutely hates the country but she also will find little things there that she will love and would struggle to live without the rest of her life. It's all part of moving to another country. There are ups and downs, but normally you can find a comfortable rhythm within a few short months. And as Miasmata said, the language thing was huge! By far the thing that makes me feel the most alone is the fact that I can't be at any large gathering without having times that I don't understand. The more Dutch I learn though the easier the whole thing has become!

[Elizabeth123]

Hi! Just saw your question...As far as I know in NY area we have schools that seek teachers from outside USA..fluent in their native language to come teach for a semester or longer if they are approved by school. Near me a school teaches K- 12...but places heavy emphasis on german language, culture, etc...you'd have to google for how they or other schools recruit. Or maybe you could seek info on professional orchestras / musician exchanges? (no idea if such exist)

Miasmata:
Regarding the job future, as tough as it is, don't put your own happiness behind what might benefit the relationship. Nobody loves to wait, but your job has to be right for you, first and foremost - The danger of resenting what you're sacrificing for the relationship is very much real. I'd suggest that you explore options for the both of you instead that you'd both enjoy trying at the very least. Try finding compromises that actually work for both of you. It's a hella tough journey, but keep your eyes and minds open Best of luck!

What miasmata said....I'm sure if you both focus you'll find what works...good luck to you both

[differentcountries]

Is her field of study applicable in Germany?

[Miasmata]

I can't edit my post anymore, but I wanted to add that I totally spaced and forgot that student visas are an option as well! Do note though that German universities will charge foreign students differently from how they charge German nationals, though, and that universities here aren't exactly amazing with offering English-speaking courses. Offers for English speakers depend highly on the subject and the university. If that is something you can/want to consider, do your research, for sure!

[Redheart14]

What did you decide to do Mr Gravy?