Why doesn't he want to move for me? :(

[thecathyinthehat]

I guess it's kind of a big thing that bothers me...he won't even consider moving to the United States for me. He says it's like going back to the Bronze Age? And he thinks that it's like, this awful environment to live in. He thinks America sucks, but he...doesn't really know anything about it...

It kinda hurts...I'd move for him and go all the way to France, but...he'd never do that for me, I guess....

But on the flip-side, he thinks that if I go to France, I'll be happier. He thinks that moving to another country will make me happy? I don't know. It's a sensitive situation because he's older than me and I don't have financial independence yet. I don't even know what I'm majoring in yet. @.@ I don't want to become financially dependent on him. I can't even speak French. I mean, I'm not planning to go NOW. But after my undergraduate degree's done, if I am the one to do the moving. I totally would understand if it was due to finances and stuff. I guess he can't go to school in America. Or after he's done with college. But he doesn't want to at all...

[LadyMarchHare]

That sounds rather hypocritical of him. He calls America unrefined (I've found some French people, if not a good bit of Europeans, think this) yet believes France is going to make you happy. That he's not even given where you live a chance is childish. You can't know you don't like something unless you try it, didn't he learn that when eating vegetables as a kid?

You're both young and have time to figure it out, but he needs to get over that stubborn attitude and at least set foot on American soil before spitting on it. France isn't exactly paradise.

[thecathyinthehat]

Well, he haaas been here. But I used to live in Irvine when he came over. Orange County is the silicone-based, fake tanned, spoiled rich kid pimple of America. And Irvine is the white part of it.

He hasn't been to any of the super cool places, though...Like Oregon or New York, or...anywhere...
He said, "It's a nice place to visit, BUT NOT TO LIVE."

I really wish that he would be fair...it hurts...he can't take the distance, so I've been refraining from saying "I love you" because it hurts him.
We're technically not even together anymore.
I love him so much, though...

[LadyMarchHare]

Well I can see the first impression wasn't good, but there are morons like that everywhere. I mean look at the Japanese fashion of fake tans and white makeup on your face for a reverse raccoon look, it's not just America with twits.

Have you tried maybe taking pictures of where you are now to show him it's not as bad as where you did? Pictures of places you frequent, places you'd like to go with him, etc. Don't know if it would entirely convince him, but you're at least showing him it's not full of tanning bed advertisements.

And don't take this as rude as it's mere curiousity, but if you're only 17 and you guys aren't even 'together', why are you looking that far ahead into the future with him? Would seem rather pointless to get your hopes up for nothing, plus it's always been told to me looking that far ahead creates more anxiety than hope.

[thecathyinthehat]

Well, I'm seeing him this summer. And I'm looking that far ahead into the future because I don't think I want to give up my virginity to him yet. We're together, but we're not together. It's the weirdest most confusing thing EVER. He like, wants the comfort of having me there without being emotionally intimate.

I know that it's ridiculous that I'm thinking so far ahead. But if I don't have some sort of hope, I don't know what I'll do.

[LadyMarchHare]

So he wants you physically, but not emotionally? That sounds like a red light to me right there. It's hard giving up people when we care that much, but if that's his side of things, there's really no future beyond bed buddies and I can see you don't want that. Purely my opinion, though, I can't dictate what you do or how you think but from what you've said here he sounds childish and more interested in the physical comforts of a CD relationship than the 'inconvenience' of a LD one. And personally I don't believe in the "well we're together but we aren't" thing because you're investing feelings all the same and flip-flopping means you're either not ready or you guys don't belong together. Again, my opinion solely.

[thecathyinthehat]

Well, I don't know. It's not that he only wants it physically. I just mean that....he wants me to be there...without reminding him that we're 5,500 miles apart....
I don't know.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
But he makes me SOOO happy. I can trust him. The week that he was here were some of the best days of my life so far. (True, I am 17.)

He's really emotionally supportive of me, too.

He loves me a lot, but it makes him so sad when he's over there, wishing that I was with him.

I dunno. I can't really relate because I don't really suffer from being away from him physically as much as emotionally.

He doesn't want sex very much. He wants to take me out to dinner and dance and watch movies together and walk in Paris together.
I'm the sex addict in the relationship. LOL

[thecathyinthehat]

I don't know how quite to explain it. He like, connects with me in a way that nobody else ever does. He's really supportive and he never puts me down. He makes sure not to hurt me and sometimes I think he tries to take it upon himself not to show it.

I guess he thinks that if we stop talking, it means that I could just go and run off, seeing some other guy. Forgetting about him?

[mllebamako]

Okay. I am really confused on this.
First of all, you say that you are looking in the future because you "don't think I want to give up my virginity to him yet" but then later you describe yourself as the "sex addict in the relationship". I also don't really get how you guys are "together but not together". What?

Second of all, how long have you known him? You guys are really young to be thinking about moving to a foreign country for someone that you have only met once.

And lastly, I think it's really selfish and kind of weird that he wouldn't even consider moving here for you. I assume that you guys communicate in English because you say you don't speak French. Well, he expects you to move there and do what? You don't even speak the language! He speaks English so it's surprising he wouldn't even consider coming here. I am currently living in France (I'm an American) and I am telling you...you cannot get a job here without speaking French. I speak French fluently and it's still hard for me to live here. Getting a visa to come here was a real challenge and I already had a job in place!

Sorry if this is coming off as too harsh. I am just a bit confused by what you are saying and by his quickness to say no to moving to the US. Shoot, I'm moving back to Mali (West Africa) for my SO....that IS like moving back to the bronze age practically. But love is worth it.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, I don't know. It's not that he only wants it physically. I just mean that....he wants me to be there...without reminding him that we're 5,500 miles apart....
I don't know.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
But he makes me SOOO happy. I can trust him. The week that he was here were some of the best days of my life so far. (True, I am 17.)

He's really emotionally supportive of me, too.

He loves me a lot, but it makes him so sad when he's over there, wishing that I was with him.

I dunno. I can't really relate because I don't really suffer from being away from him physically as much as emotionally.

He doesn't want sex very much. He wants to take me out to dinner and dance and watch movies together and walk in Paris together.
I'm the sex addict in the relationship. LOL

Hon, you're contradicting yourself all over the place. I, like Ick741, am getting mixed signals here. To clarify, you can't love someone and not be willing to compromise for them or try, much less be in this "well we are but aren't" relationship. That's not love by any definition. And again he's being selfish by moaning you aren't THERE when he won't make the effort to be where you are. If he wants to be around you, he'd travel again regardless of his hatred for what he thinks America is. Also I'm seriously confused about your last statement. If you're such a thing you wouldn't have qualms about losing your virginity since your feelings are so strong.

As for the second post you made: He is hurting you, it's why you made this thread, isn't it? And if he's that insecure he needs to do something about it like, y'know, commit to you guys being together.

There's so much in these posts that aren't adding up and I think it's showing how addled and broken apart you guys are when it comes to the "we" thing. That needs straightening out more than 5 or so years from now.

[heatherguy24]

ok i am mixed up too here, your 17 he wants yout o move there, does he work do you work what do your family think about all of this. If he has a good job and by sounds of it his impression of USA is pretty bad not your fault obviously i know usa is absolutely gorgeous. Then talk about it to him it could be for loads of reasons. Money, visa cost the fact he might not get a job. You need to find all this out i think its mixed signals in both directions and its too soon to think about moving there or him moving to usa just my opinion

[paulawriteslove]

I know that you want to think about your future with him, but I think you need to focus on your future, not your future with him yet. You said that you don't know what you want to major in, I think you need to figure out what you want to do with that. But what's bothering me is that it feels like he's pressuring you to move over to France, and that's something that you're not too happy about (correct me if I'm wrong). I think that he should have an open mind. But I also think that that it's too soon to be making this a big deal. If you two have other problems in your relationship, then you should work those out first and try to make your relationship more stable. Best of luck!!!!

[Moon]

Sweetie, you're 17, you don't need this kind of pressure on you at this point. You can't even move there legally yet.

Think about it, he's made it very clear he won't move for you and you still have a few years of school left before you can go anywhere, is this relationship really where you need to be right now? You can't be in a "were together but not together" LDR, they just don't work that way really. Ick741 is am American living in France, she knows what it's like, I'd listen to what she's telling you. Did you ask him why, exactly, you'd be happier there? Is it because he's happier there? LadyMarchHare made some very good points as well, if you read your posts, you're contradicting yourself. I think you should get your head clear first, before thinking about where you'll live someday. You asked why won't he move for you? Simple, he doesn't want to. Now you've gotta think of your next step and where you want this semi-relationship to go.

[squiddie]

First of all, the Bronze Age was a very powerful time. There were a lot of technological advances (for the time), and many great civilizations were rising. So if he was trying to insult you, he's not doing such a great job.

Also Irvine? Totally not the Bronze Age. You're smack in the middle of Silicon Valley.

Secondly, you're 17. You both have time to work on this. As you said, you're not planning to go now. I don't see a need to really have this discussion now.

Furthermore, I think you need to work out what's really going on here. You're holding out on saying "I love you" to a guy you're "not really with" so it will hurt him. You don't want to lose your virginity to him yet, but you're the "sex addict" of your relationship. Your stories are contradicting, most likely in an effort to truly explain what's going on, but in the end it's confusing us more.

[Zephii]

Wow, your story sounds like mine and Obi's relationship, but with a few details swapped out

Well, to reassure you, Obi always said he'd never leave Canada for me. And while he still wont do it permanently, he'll do it in chunks of a couple of years at a time if I return the favor. And I've frequently said Canada's a nice place to visit but not live, but I know that the majority of the rest of my life will be in this country, and I'm ok with that now. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to mature enough to understand that both sides feel the same pain and that to make these things work it takes sacrifice and dedication.

How much older than you is he?

I'm getting a few red flags from all this, so I'll wait until you come back to clear it up to say more. Write as much as you need to to have it make sense, ok?