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**folclor** · April 30, 2010, 12:59 PM

awww, I hope y'all figure that out soon. I'm sure y'all would have very cute children but I hope y'all decide what's best for them before you start having them. My mom didn't have any kids until 29 and stopped having them at 36. ^^;; yeah. My parents are almost 60 now. o.O that's a huge age gap. almost 40 years between me and my parents, so no wonder they freak out like they do at every little thing.

As for myself... When I was little I didn't think about weddings or anything (though occasionally I thought about kids), but I would always tell my parents, "One day, when I grow up, I wanna live in another country at least for a little while." My parents would always tell me, "Well, maybe when you're married your husband will want to, too." So I grew up thinking you had to be married to live in another country. ^^;; But, as the years passed I let go of my dreams and did what my parents wanted, instead. I went to the schools they wanted to see me at, went to the programs they liked, ended up even going to the college they wanted me to. It sucked. I left. It really wasn't until I started talking to Alex that I remembered my dreams and my goals. I've wanted to move to Canada since I was 7 or 8 and I started watching Mainframe Animation shows on Cartoon Network (Mainframe was based in Vancouver, don't know if they're still going, though). My parents are supportive of me doing what I want to do (i.e. going to Canada), but they don't want me to do it. They won't stop me, but they don't want me to go. it's a weird and uncomfortable dynamic at home. I really can't wait until I get to start my own life away from this tiny city where my parents grew up and their parents grew up.

As far as the marriage/kids thing... I used to never want to get married because I hated the idea of choosing just one person. I wanted to always be available to new people. When I started talking to Alex I remember thinking, "This is the kind of guy I could manage to marry..." That feeling has only grown from there. He and I have our problems, yes, but I get the feeling that, given enough time, we'll decide we want to be together indefinitely. I've always known that I didn't want more than 3 kids and that I wanted to adopt one child, so that's no big deal considering Alex likes the idea. I dunno, we'll see what happens.

As far as conflicts...my parents are my biggest one, though the occasional setback with Alex is a conflict. And I tend to put others before myself though Alex is trying to get me to put myself at least second if not first. ^^;;

Anyway, wish you the best with your plans, Zeph.

**Caitlin2009** · April 30, 2010, 02:48 PM

I'm wondering what everyone's big plans are, and how they came to the decision as they did...
Well we have so many plans but I would say move her out of Scotland to California for awhile until she gets into the business a little bit, i move with a friend to North Carolina until i find a house for me and Denise, when that happens long distance will finally be over and we'll move into our own home, if we can get married after that, have 2 kids, me getting into improv and acting, Denise getting into stand up, acting and improv as well, and live a happy normal life together

So, what are your conflicts? What are your hopes and dreams? How do you prioritise?

conflicts: we gotta wait until the visa process thing is over in order to move her which takes 6 months to 2 years, i wanna get married to her but im not sure we can this would be something we apparently have to talk over with a lawyer person, if we cant its alright in my heart we already married

Hopes and dreams: Just to live life to the fullest with her and our careers, raising a family, going out places, and basically be with one another until death do us part when were old and in our 90's!

**lunamea** · April 30, 2010, 03:21 PM

I don't make any plans anymore, because all my plans are just being turned upside down right now, so I don't have much to add from me personally, but I want to tell you some of my friends' experience regarding studying and children:

Originally posted by Zephii View Post

My big conflict at the moment is Study Vs. Children. I want to have finished having kids by the time I'm 26 (I'm 22 now) but I just don't know how I'll manage that seeming my agreement with Obi is that I'll wait til 2012 to start Uni (In Australia) and while I'm doing Uni he'll support us. I can't have a baby in Uni, can I?

I think you can. Quite some of my friends have done that, and more than that, have had children while in college on purpose, because in college, you rather have the opportunity to organize your workload. You might take a little longer to graduate, but my friends tell me you still have more time for the kids than if you'd be working full-time. My friends say it hurts your career less to have studied a year longer than taking maternal leaves when you're already employed.

I don't think being pregnant turns your brain to mush, I rather think it might be more of a challenge emotionally to have to deal with exams etc. while being pregnant. As I haven't been myself and don't plan on becoming (at least not anytime soon), I can't tell.
I feel much too young to have kids, but because it's taking me so long to study, I already feel I'm a failure professionally and I already feel old because the people I study with are like 5 to 8 years younger than me. But whenever I think that I'll be old before I have achieved anything (and that also depends on your interpretation of what achievements are), I remind myself that so many successful authors or actors or whatever haven't started until they were pretty old and they still achieved a lot. Makes me feel slightly better!

**Tanja** · May 1, 2010, 07:40 AM

I SO know what you're talking about lol. I'm 27 and I feel like Andy's my last chance to have a family because I don't want to have kids long after I've turned 30 (I had some complications with my first pregnancy and the older I get the higher the risk is that I'll get them again). I also want a dazzling career but let's face it, I can't have everything.

I've always wanted to have my own business and a great career as well as a big family and somehow I feel like I haven't accomplished any of those things. I'm working as a machinist in my dad's company and I've never ever wanted a career on that business but I've worked there for 4,5 years now and my dad is hoping me and my sister would take over after he retires and I was very against it for years. But as it seems I can't get a job on my own field (which is IT) I guess I have no choice.

I was layed-off for 9 months and it quite changed my view on things tbh, now that I'm back at work I'm just happy I have a job. And tbh things could be worse, I might have a business of my own in a few years, I'm working with my own family (meaning my hours are flexible and I can adjust my days along with my daughter's schedule), I have a house, a wonderful beautiful child, 3 horses (which has been a life long dream of mine), 2 dogs who I love and cherish, an amazing boyfriend who loves me loads and wants to marry me and have kids with me ... I don't know why I still sometimes feel like this isn't the life I wanted.
Maybe cause I'm a freaking perfectionist lol.

I've though about the timeline for our life together and I'd want to have children fairly soon after Andy moves here and has a job but that could take years! It's very hard for me to not be in control over things and let them happen on their own pace.

I feel like time is running out on me and I hate the feeling. And at the same time I feel very lucky and blessed because of all the things I have in my life and I couldn't wish for anything more.

**Caitlin2009** · May 1, 2010, 08:00 AM

I've always wanted to have my own business and a great career as well as a big family and somehow I feel like I haven't accomplished any of those things. I'm working as a machinist in my dad's company and I've never ever wanted a career on that business but I've worked there for 4,5 years now and my dad is hoping me and my sister would take over after he retires and I was very against it for years. But as it seems I can't get a job on my own field (which is IT) I guess I have no choice.

you shouldnt give up your dreams just because you cant get something right away, then your stuck wondering all your life if you could have! Just because your dad wants you to take over the company doesnt mean you should, thats not your dream. Alright so it may take awhile to get an IT job but dont give up on that just because its hard to get right now

**redbellepepper** · May 1, 2010, 12:26 PM

Our plans: we've been planning of getting married this year, on the last quarter of the year. we decided to have a civil wedding in his country and we'll do the traditional church wedding in my home country after a year or two. we've started ironing out few things aside from the paper works cum visa thing, airfare cost, marriage rites and celebrations. for the most part, we're really talking about my adjustment when i finally move in with him and his family. yeah, you guys read it right---with his family. he's indian and part of his culture is to move in with his family. but we've come to decide that we're gonna live with them for 6 months only and then we'll start living on our own. aside from living arrangements, i have to adjust on food, clothing styles, language---basically way of life.

scary and sometimes i feel i am risking a lot. but what makes me continue with our plans is the fact that i know in my heart he's the one for me. it took us 10 years before we finally said to each other that we can have a future together. during those 10 years, we've traveled in different roads but each road led us to each other. i guess, the thought of it makes us want to continue and build life together. so here we are now, pursuing our plans.

Conflicts: during this time of preparations, we're hit by financial crisis. he's dealing with some project loss. between the 2 of us, he's making more than i do. while he got himself a stable job in terms of income, i do social work here in my home country. to be honest, i'm worried on what's life has to offer us. whenever we speak about our future, i tend to be more on the negative side. and he would always pull me up and see the other side of things. it's good that he's like that to me but i fear if he's the one having down moments, would i be able to pull him up just the way he is to me? sigh...

i hope to be really his BETTER half...

**ioanna** · May 1, 2010, 04:48 PM

once again, thank you Zephii for such an interresting thread : )
our plans
hmmm... well... we have been together for almost 5 years, and all i can say is plans evolve as we do : p not that its a bad thing actually, i think its good that we stay honest about what we want and what our priorities are... if we stayed at our previous plans, we would have now been 2 months newlyweds : p so yes, its a big difference : p personally, in the line of studies and profession i've chosen, i find it really hard to think of starting a family before i'm professionally established, so it was never a question... yes i do get all mushy when i see my friends babies, and my friends getting married and all, but i also know why this isn't the right option for either of us right now.. it doesn't mean i don't wish things could be that easy... *sighs*
we both understand that we have to be established individuals first, to be able to build a strong healthy household.. and that implies that i get my degree in a few months, and continue working here.. that also implies that he continues his studies abroad, and that we won't be settling back together before 2014 (ouch ;_; this is actually the first time i put this sentence in writing and see it in front of me) i'll be 30 by then and he'll be 33..
so yes, as much as family life is important to us,a healthy family life is even more important.. things have gotten so expensive and hard lately that you cant really just start a family and say you'll deal with things one day at a time... and this also implies that we are fulfilled individuals..and as much as family life and love life is important and fulfilling, its not the only thing that builds you and defines you as a person.. im not saying theres something thats more important than family, im saying that in order to give out the best for your family you have to be the best version of you you can be... if you are satisfied of where you are in your life as an individual, you are a lot more satisfied and loving as a partner and parent..
i think i was just disgressing there.. i guess to sum it all up, all i can say is that its ok for things not to go according to plan in life, and its even better to keep track of what your priorities are, because they do change, as we evolve..

**Zephii** · May 1, 2010, 11:26 PM

Everyone had really interesting points - you are just great. ^^; It made me smile.

**agentholli** · May 3, 2010, 08:32 PM

First think I want to say is that YES You can be pregnant, have children while going to school. You can online schooling...I am a single mother of two boys, and I work full time, and I go to school full time. YOU can do it!

OUR PLANS! Well he is going to move here, we are both in the states but it will be a BIG move for him. It has always been that way. He wants to be out west, he calls himself a western stuck in a eastern state. He loves it out here and this is where we want to be. He has children, they will come and vist as often as we can afford it. If things go the way they are now, they might just end up moving with him

That would be ultimate!! He wants to be here by summer, but he is waiting for a settlement to go through so he has money so he doesn't have to worry about getting an apartment and stuff without a job. I won't let him move in with me, We all ready know what apartments he is going to live in, UNLESS we just get married. The further it goes, the more likely we will end up married sooner then later

I have my wedding all planned out too. It will be AMAZING and unique.

Conflicts The biggest conflict is money. It takes a lot and he has some unplanned medical issues that have come up and hindered it a little. Also, we have some really crazy life's lately. Its like everything is trying to pull us apart. Now i am going through this MAJOR trail in my life..that just started last week...it changes everything in my life here, but nothing has changed between him and I. I told him that all these things we are going through when we are apart in the distance, think of what we can do together...we will be able to move mountains

Most of our problems are circled with our children...which makes the whole long distance thing that much harder.

Hopes and dreams All I want is a life full of laughter..with him. I dream all the time about what its going to be like with him here. The fun and laughter, the hard times and crying..we are just meant for eachother, he is my destiny. I just can't wait for it to start all ready! Honestly, I was married for almost 10 years, and I have never felt the feelings I feel for my SO, even with my ex-husband. Its incredible and scary and wonderful and everything all wrapped up. Yeah...we will make people sick with how in love we are..LOL

**Zephii** · May 3, 2010, 11:09 PM

I want to learn teaching, so online schooling is out of the question for me, but that's good to know

And I'm sure you will be just as happy as you hope, and will make many more people queasy

it shall be great!

**Naori** · May 4, 2010, 02:51 AM

Zephii.. are you referring to having children in Canada or Australia.

If in Canada, medical is free as long as your are Permanent Residence or Citizen. In Canada you can have dual citizen so no worries.

And question? you are 22 why haven't you finished school already?

I already graduated. I am 23 by the way.
But I know a lot of people do do their degree after giving birth.
While giving birth.. well just don't take courses in your last trimester. Don't want to miss an exam.

**Alisz** · May 4, 2010, 03:39 AM

I make very loose plans in my head. In fact, they're not plans. They're wishes and desires. I find whenever I try to make solid plans too far into the future I end up disappointed by the results. So, I just don't do it.

I'm already 26 and I didn't give myself high expectations. I want to have kids and a family, but I guess it's the people I have around me that I don't feel pressured about when. None of my friends have kids (hell, they're not even close to being married or even have serious partners...) and they're around the same age as me. My mom had my brother when she was 25 (and me 7 years later), so it's not really weird for me. He's also not married with kids, but lives with his girlfriend he's been seeing for over 4 years. ^^

I mean, it wasn't in my plans that I would fall in love with the most wonderful sweet man who lives hundreds of miles away from me. :P I just wanted to meet a guy who loved me and I loved him. I got a lot more than that. <3

Ideally, I would like us to be living together within the next 2 years. And that I would have a steady enough flow of money coming in. That's about as far as I go. More than that and I'm just setting myself up. ^^;;

**Zephii** · May 4, 2010, 10:12 AM

I finished highschool just last year because I was a high-school drop out, made some bad decisions involving a very controlling man who wouldn't allow me to work or study, and then when I attempted to go back I failed the first time because I was busy looking after my mother when she was dying. Just because I'm old enough to have finished uni doesn't mean life has been kind enough to allow me to have done it. And now I'm not in Uni because I'm in Canada, trying to help Obi get his carrer started so that he can support us while I study.

I don't have health cover in Canada. I'm just on a working holiday visa. I'd have to get married and do a whackload of paperwork before I had residence. Medical here is very very expensive for visitors. I would like to get dual citizenship one day, but that too isn't so easy. I have friends who are going through the process now and it's scary :P

But I'd want to have children in my country where my family, friends and support networks are. It's easier to get a child dual citizenship than an adult

**agentholli** · May 4, 2010, 11:01 PM

i am so naive when it comes to international stuff...it must be hard to try to figure everything out that you need to figure out! Good luck

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