Is this emotional abuse?

[Pineapplebun]

Hey Minerva thanks for the link! I read through them and though what you did say rang a bell, of the list very few held true and I do have an inkling he does not have it though or it would be a really mild case. If it were the case, I do not know how to begin to approach him about it but knowing him, he would very much dismiss the idea that he'd have anything and may well be offended xD.

[books]

He obviously has a need to control you (as demonstrated by his desire to isolate you from friends)...power and control are the underlying motivations for any kind of abuse. So, I definitely believe the stage is set so to speak...his behavior could very likely worsen as he already sounds like he treats you like shit. And telling you to fuck off could certainly be considered verbally abusive, especially considering he seems to repeatedly tell you some version of that.
I'm not sure if you're already familiar with it, but the power and control wheel might be helpful to look at just to see if you relate to anything in it:
https://cmhc.utexas.edu/pdf/PowerControlwheel.pdf

[aaron stone]

I've always said that communication is important in any relationship whether long distance or not. Sadly there is definitely a breakdown here with his needs clearly being given higher priorities than yours. My girlfriend and I have had a few "rules" that we've enforced over the years and they are being broken here.

1. NEVER hang up over the phone

It is just plain rude and shows a lack of respect for the other party. We've gotten into fights in the past and even if we cannot continue talking we respectfully say goodbye and talk later when we cool off.

2. NEVER curse each other

Swear words belong outside, do you really want that in your relationship. Once again a lack of respect.

3. Always show care for each other's health

This is understood. If you have a medical issue there should be automatic concern from the other person. I am shocked to hear his response.

I would strongly advise you reassess your relationship since clearly he does not appreciate you and has issues of his own.

[Zapookie]

It's apparent that he doesn't really care for you or how you might be feeling. I honestly feel that he is too immature to be in a relationship, and needs to grow up before he can be in one and give his all. He's like a kid throwing his toys out of the pram. If you love him, ask yourself what it is that you love about him now, and if he is still the same as the man you fell in love with. You could try writing down all the good and bad and see which list is longer.

I also had a look at your profile a noticed that you haven't met each other yet. I think this is a good thing, even though you have invested some time into this, it would be harder for you to leave him once you two have met in person. I also wouldn't want to stick around to see what he is like in person.

[Minerva]

Hey Minerva thanks for the link! I read through them and though what you did say rang a bell, of the list very few held true and I do have an inkling he does not have it though or it would be a really mild case. If it were the case, I do not know how to begin to approach him about it but knowing him, he would very much dismiss the idea that he'd have anything and may well be offended xD.

Given my mindset, whenever I see someone I relate to, I automatically assume they're just like me. Part of my Aspieness, lol.

If not aspie, I would say he's just childish, and probably not ready for an adult relationship.

*hugs*

[Pineapplebun]

Hey everyone sorry for the delayed response. I found out the results and its good No cancer. I really appreciate everyone taking their time and giving me their thoughts and opinions it's really nice to have some validation sometimes that I'm not overreacting. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it is really mostly immaturity combined with a lack of relationship experience on his part since its his 1st serious relationship as his reactions to the lows remind me how I was..when I was 16. Dramatic, intense, easily wanting to break up and lacking the skills to calm down and work as a team to come to any conflict resolutions. I actually did write a list and I think most of them stem from immaturity (I hope rather than actually just plain old being self-absorbed,etc) and he responded with a kind of a laugh in disbelief as if I was joking, then in a serious tone, sighed and said I have too much time on my hands =.=.

After much talk, he did admit that despite that he was upset, he should have put health as a priority and did check up on me asap to find out the results. Also, I said to him I don't really know if his upbringing had to do with it (family issues), or the fact that he's use to being single and never cared for another girl that he isn't use to being selfless. He did suggest that maybe we can do a switch off every other day, so he picks what to do 1 day and I the next, so we will have to see if he really follows through. I did say to him that I think we have a lot of friction between us because I am really expecting an adult relationship...so I expect mature actions/reactions/responses and he sounded really drained by then and just said "sure" so I'll take that since he's willing to admit to some of his wrongdoings + actually do a switch off as his yes. During the convo I also did touch on the topic that its been a repeating pattern that he has great difficulty even considering another POV. What strikes me as immature is that he said its because my POV makes no sense and is just stupid and I said it's not stupid and regardless of what you think, we won't see eye-to-eye at times and that he's hardheaded/stubborn xD. Aside from getting him to understand how he makes me feel (which works sometimes), when I can't say that...I find that's when its hardest to get him to even consider my POV which happens in lots of disagreements like this one. It is getting somewhat exhausting dealing with someone so stubborn and rather spoiled/bratty, but I really hope that this will change as he is capable of being a good listener and when he does actually see my POV he does change. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm just not approaching it in the right way or it takes a shyt ton to get through to him. If you could believe it, there was a period he was a bigger dbag until he realized he took me for granted and remembered that as friends, when I was dating my ex and in the initial stages of the relationship that whoever had me was a lucky man and he still feels that way. He's learning but he has a long way to grow up...am I being foolish to hope? I've seen tiny bit of progress that's why I hope.

I hope that after saying that I expect more maturity than he currently offers this too will change. I'll definitely implement those rules aaron stone (I too was shocked by his initial response..) and to Zapookie, Books, Minerva and everyone else, I will continue to keep an eye out to see if really..he's just too immature for a relationship, if he really is intentionally controlling or just...reallly clingy for a lack of a better word or any sort of manipulation etc. If he does continue, then I don't see myself being happy with him as much as I love him and I know that in the end I'll be the one cheating myself.

Anyways thanks again everyone!

[rhomy]

I'm going to have to agree with sierra, I wouldn't call it emotional abuse but it definitely doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If you already notice these red flags and know he is treating you poorly then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship and decide whether it is worth staying in.

That.
He seems to be unhappy all the time. If you call, you don't give him space, if you don't call, you don't care, if you don't do things, you can't think for yourself, if you have friends you are being unfaithful...
that being said: does he make you happy?
You said you love him but you don't need to act like a puppy (no intend to offend). You need to do what makes you happy.

I've been in a really abusive relationship and was way worse than that, but it started this way. Right now, I don't think yours is abusive, but definitely unhealthy.
If you need to go through this after 5 months... it doesn't "sound" good... it may get worse with time.

Anything you need, feel free to PM me.

[Alemap]

W00t, no cancer! That's awesome news. :-)
I don't know if it's abusive, but he's certainly passive aggressive, demanding and extremely high maintenance. His behaviour has elements of control, which would put me on the alert in a big way.
No-one is perfect, and everyone will have moments they are not their best when they are unhappy, and thus are likely to take more energy from their partner than they give back, but these moments are supposed to be temporary, and it seems like this guy has you walking on eggshells constantly and expects you to read his mind and do all the heavy lifting for him. The least responsibility anyone has in a relationship is to tell their partner what they need at any given moment, and then appreciate the attempts they make to provide it - not punish them for not intuiting it automatically!
I hate to say this, but he sounds like a big, selfish, sooky pain-in-the-backside, and not good enough for you. If it were me, I'd leave him in the sandpit with his dummy, and let him enjoy his tantrums alone. :-/
You deserve better.

[Engel]

Gosh, I am speechless. what a stupid, selfish jerk.


Really, my mouth fell to my knees in astonishment. He is a cruel immature guy. Leave him to whine and throw a fit for no reason to his mother and find someone better for yourself.

[Bethypoo]

I agree with Sierra and Snow_girl. I wouldn't define it as emotionally abusive. But do I think what is going on right... absolutely not.

He really shouldn't talk to you that way. Even in an argument cursing and hanging up really isn't productive no constructive. It is just immature, rude and demeaning. I just think that may be his personality. But if that is the case, you need to decide if that is something that you can deal with; an from the sound of it is something that you aren't really happy about.

At the same time, if he wants someone with a mind of her own give him that. Let him know that he is being rude and that you do not deserve being treated that way. Sometimes, if you let them walk all over you, then they will. So stand up for yourself and let him know what your need in this relationship and from him.

But ultimately it is up to you to decide what you are willing to put up with.

[Pineapplebun]

@ Rhomy: I agree sometimes I find him really conflicting. I remember in the past he would say hes "okay" but sometimes that meant he was really okay and he'd be bothered that I'd ask him again to ensure it. Other times it meant that he was just trying to save face, and when you're typing it out and cannot hear their tone let alone physically read their body language, it just is confusing to know when the person is really okay. Then it would spiral out of control and he'd interpret that as me not caring because I was not in-tuned. It's gotten better since I told him you have to stop talking kryptically otherwise I'll just be confused and your needs are not met. So it is sometimes, damned if you do, damned if you don't. He's made me really happy before but I've told him by now it's becoming exhausting dealing with someone who won't bother to even try to see eye-to-eye because at his most stubborn, which is quite frequent, he will only believe his view is the right view of a "normal' person's thinking. At times he does acknowledge if he's wrong but I baffles me that he refuses to see that how he behaved in that convo as nonsense? I was there for him yet he firmly believes not calling meant I don't care. He's aware of the relationship being somewhat dysfunctional but I don't think he wants to see how much of his contribution that is so I'll just give it some more time and try to fix things on my end. And thanks for the offer, will do if something comes up!

@Alemap: Haha it was, the gyno was happy for me too xD. You aren't the first to say he's quite demanding and high maintenance for sure. A friend of mine and a mutual friend also say he expects way too much and his response to me not intuiting to him is that he feels that I should know him the best and therefore know how he responds and that a normal person would have called? Although I agree with him wanting me to know him best, I think we're still too early in the dating game for me to know him that well and its his responsibility to state what he wants. I mean I could have called and he would have been hella pissed for not respecting his wishes =.=

[Pineapplebun]

@Engel: Was it really that shocking that your jaw-dropped? xD That's not a good sign at all!

@Bethypoo: I agree that he shouldn't be talking like that, and I've told him numerous times that when I'm upset, I really try not to yell/scream, or respect him regardless. I have been very clear to him what my wants and needs are, and lately he has been asking me what I want to do...but again, certain things like webcam are definitely off-limits because he simply doesn't feel like it. His personality is that he doesn't need anyone's help but himself, quite prideful so he sees it as "I won't take shyt from anyone" which is really an odd mindset to have in a caring-loving relationship. He doesn't see giving selflessly or compromising as an act of caring but that it's ass-kissing. I don't know if he quite understands that sometimes you do things purely cause you want to make your partner happy because he doesn't see a personal gain/benefit...but a happy partner (without them taking advantage of course) does make a happy relationship, right? xD Maybe it is his personality or just a sign of immaturity and unfortunately, he's simply not ready for an adult relationship. But I am going to try a little more till I suppose its time to call it quits..he does have his good points which cause me to hold on.

[Haley53]

Do be careful. Like I said, I wouldn't put past manipulation as one of his tools and I want you to be careful that these "good points" are authentic. Reason I say this is because even with your compromise, he's manipulated it to still be about him. No, he shouldn't be pressured into doing "certain things," but things like webcam, phone calls, and so on should be open game in a LDR. Maybe not every single day, but you confronted him about having needs too, so he agrees to it, but it seems that he agreed to it only so long as he still gets his way? I worry because even if this might not quite be abuse, the pattern seems very similar: honeymoon happy phase where everything's been talked out and going well, a period where things simmer, maybe start to break but not quite, and then it goes back to the way things were before.

[Pineapplebun]

@Eclaire: Thanks for the concern and great insight! I think deep down I feel that way as well that as much as his words say he will compromise or do things selflessly for me, his actions show that its only okay if he is okay with it. In fact as for the webcam thing, it took him 4 months for it to not feel weird and he's only done so about 10x max despite my expressing that with the distance, I miss seeing him and that it helps when the missing gets really hard and how I feel it is a way more intimate way to connect then just through typed out words. And since we have not met in person yet, I find that it is one valuable tool to really judge how we vibe each other when we're animated - like our facial expressions, reactions, etc but he's refused a lot lately and previously, it was due it being weird + him feeling insecure about his looks when it came to me? I said over again that I find him very attractive and that if its real love, he has nothing to worry about, that I will find him attractive regardless of his weight fluctuations. Kinda weird since he objectively judges himself to be attractive. When I asked him why this time around (in attempts to hopefully calm any insecurities) he simply said "I don't owe you any explanations" which I personally felt it was kind of stand-offish and lacking the understanding of how important communication is in a relationship as my intentions were good. He's said I have been really pushy about it and I think maybe the way I went about it seemed that way, but if he would compromise once in a while, after hearing why I feel that its important in a LDR...I don't think its an unreasonable thing to ask. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like he has a way of turning things around against me. He listens, says he'll change and he did change before and realized he was being a total dbag and became really gentle/sensitive and was there..but he still can't consider another POV and lately with his patience running thin, becoming okay with being disrespectful and has stated he's tried his best...I don't see how he is giving his all really. So maybe you are right, maybe it is following a pattern or am I really just asking too much? I don't think I am.

[Haley53]

I don't feel you're wanting too much from him, no. Being honest, I'd go so far as to say you're not wanting enough. What I mean by that is look at what you're asking from him: you're wanting him to communicate with you effectively and to not be so cryptic, you're wanting to have more face time via webcam because that's the only face time you have available to you at this point, you're wanting him to stop cursing at you, and you're wanting him to enjoy some of what you like to do same as you try and get involved in his interests and hobbies. These are all very basic wants and I'd go so far as to say needs in a relationship because essentially, you're asking for communication, respect, and for him to put in effort. Nothing more, nothing less, so no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Some slip ups are healthy. It's normal if we have a pattern of repeating behaviour to slip up and let that behaviour show sometimes, but what should be happening here is that he recognises it, apologises for it (even if the apology comes later), and then sits down and communicates with you to effectively correct it. For example, the cursing. Say he curses at you. His proper response would be, when it's pointed out, to apologise and to try and work with you more effectively. It would not be to get defensive and snark and snap further. How often is he doing the former? If it's regular enough, perhaps there's been some improvement. If not, then I would say he's doing enough to keep you believing in the hope that something might change. Some people will put forth only the bare minimum of effort because they have a selfless enough partner to say "well I can see there's been some improvement, so maybe if I continue to be patient, there'll be more.." and considering the way he manipulates things into being your fault/about you... I dunno. It's not my relationship and I truly don't know him but having been in relationships with manipulative people, that's what I worry about. :/