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**Sierra** · November 30, 2011, 04:31 PM

I'm going to be honest and I know people are going to disagree with me but I think it's important that you hear both sides of things. After being in an emotionally abusive relationship, I would not call what you've described, emotional abuse. I would say that this is a relationship where you're needs aren't being met and that you feel badly because of it. Just because someone upsets you, doesn't mean they are emotionally abusing you.

Yes, he is exhibiting a ton of self-love here instead of setting aside his feelings and being there for you, but this is selfishness. Sometimes people are so wrapped up in how things benefit them, and their own world that they cannot be there for someone else.

That being said, I don't believe that there should be disrespect in relationships. Now that being said, some people have different tempers than other and can fly off the handle more easily. Now yes, when fights happen, so can emotional abuse, but I wouldn't say my boyfriend is emotionally abusing me because he told me to STFU.

Every relationship, including abusive ones, are different. In my emotionally abusive relationship I was constantly reminded how worthless I was, how easy to leave I was, how not worthwhile I was, how I was ugly and my ex was ashamed of me. He abandoned me places on purpose, after taking away my cell phone so I was stranded, and eventually it turned into physical abuse.

I'm not saying that all emotionally abusive relationships are the same. What has me concerned is that you're feeling isolated, and based on that and his behavior MAY escalate into emotional abuse. I guess my question at the end of this long post is, is this someone you're happy being with?

**snow_girl** · November 30, 2011, 04:42 PM

I'm going to have to agree with sierra, I wouldn't call it emotional abuse but it definitely doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If you already notice these red flags and know he is treating you poorly then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship and decide whether it is worth staying in.

**megfashion** · November 30, 2011, 04:49 PM

sometimes the only thing to say is "how do you think that makes me feel?"

sometimes if the SO goes too far (he has stopped now going too far) i hang up on him. either just before i say "i dont want to sit here and be bullied", or ill say it when he calls back (it usually happens on skype)

it doesnt look like extreme emotional abuse, but if it hurts you its enough abuse to matter. let him know how you feel, say you cry about it, and if he says "lol" to how you feel, then he isnt worth it.

x

**floridaellen** · November 30, 2011, 04:54 PM

I wouldn't consider it abuse but I agree with the above posters saying it is an unhealthy relationship. I would get out now while you still can.

**Malaga** · November 30, 2011, 05:15 PM

Honestly, he sounds like a petulant brat, and the way he talks to you is like teens sulking at their parents and screaming they hate them when they don't get what they want. Abuse or not, from your post he just doesn't seem mature enough for the kind of relationship you'd like to have. Hanging up 10 times on you? Really? Why did you keep calling?

**rubydissolution** · November 30, 2011, 05:26 PM

I definitely agree with the agree with the above posters, this isn't emotional abuse but he is treating you like crap. Emotional abuse is beating someones self esteem to a pulp, making them feel worthless. Emotional abuse is often paired with physical abuse its how the abuser gets control of his partner. The person feels so worthless that they don't think they can do better or survive without that person. They become dependent. This guy (while not emotionally abusing you) just doesn't seem worth it, i would have told him off in a heartbeat. It seems like its all about what he wants, how he is and couldn't care about your feelings. I'd say just cut ties, you don't deserve to be treated like that.

**Rugger** · November 30, 2011, 05:31 PM

As someone who has been through emotional abuse, this doesn't sound like it to me. However, He doesn't treat you like you deserve to be treated. He's way too self-absorbed to be in a relationship. He's being an asshole and I think you need to find someone better

**meg** · November 30, 2011, 05:49 PM

It doesn't sound like you're happy in this relationship. Can you imagine spending your life with someone who doesn't listen to you?

**annb8888** · November 30, 2011, 05:55 PM

Did your SO start acting that way when he learned you have a breast lump?

If so, I think he's trying to shield himself from the risk of losing you and/or he doesn't want to deal with a serious ailment, in short, he's a coward. That means, he has more self love than he has for you because he's thinking of safe guarding his own feelings to keep from getting hurt than willing to support you. I have an ex-bf that is like that, he has a crush on a girl before me and when he learned the girl had a blood clot in her brain and fell ill but recovered, he immediately stopped liking her. I asked him why and he said that blood clots can happen again and he doesn't wanna deal with it if he pursued her. What an ass.

I think your BF has the same mindset and he's trying to abuse you to make you break up with him so he wouldn't have to do it himself. That's really stupid but I think if he's trying to do that, then give it to him. You don't need to deal with his drama, deal with your own life. I believe you can get thru your problems by keeping your friends and family close to you. Besides, I agree with Malaga, he's immature and he's acting like a teenager talking back to his parents.

You should love yourself first before you can love others. Give your relationship a break, it's going to hurt but only temporarily. If he comes back and is ready to deal with your relationship, then give him another chance but for now, just let him sort out his own problems, he's been dismissing you so obviously he doesn't want your help - or he's being egoistic and telling himself no amount of cursing and hanging up can make you leave him - girl, I'm sorry, that's just insane. Take a break.

**Minerva** · November 30, 2011, 05:59 PM

He sounds like he has Aspergers. I'm an Aspie dating an Aspie, and I "get" some of how he's acting. One issue I have is I tend to believe how I feel is how everyone feels. It takes a lot for me to remember that not everyone, not even my SO, thinks exactly as I do.

In general, Aspies have their own interests and enjoy going on about them, and if they're not interested in something, it's really hard for them to fake it. They can also be easily hurt and react childishly, swearing and giving the cold shoulder. They're what I call "right angle" thinkers -- very black and white, right and wrong thinkers. My SO often forms a quick, strong opinion about something and he takes awhile to understand nuances of the situation, and until he understands those nuances, he can be very stubborn. I probably do this as well, as I also tend to see things as black and white.

Anyway, if he is Aspie, he can change the way he treats you, but he has to learn how. I've learned how to fake normal most of the time, as has my SO, and that includes trying not to have tantrums on each other.

But of course, I could be wrong about all this. If not, and any of this rings a bell to you, feel free to ask me questions.

**Haley53** · November 30, 2011, 06:03 PM

I want to add to what others have said and say I feel this has the potential to become emotional abuse. Though I wouldn't consider this quite "there," it's also true that emotional abuse isn't evident straight off the bat, and sometimes it can take time before it completely surfaces in a relationship. Will it develop into emotional abuse in the future? It may or it may not, as right now, it could go either way really - it could either progress and get worse or it could continue with him acting like a spoilt child and never moving beyond that - but either way, the relationship is extremely unhealthy and as others have said, I think he's given you enough red flags to get out. He's demonstrated that he's selfish, childish, absolutely manipulative (and quite frankly, I do think a manipulative personality can be as damaging and abusive as a directly abusive personality; I should also note that I do think cursing at your partner absolutely senselessly like you've claimed he does/is is abusive), and has no interest in needs that don't benefit him in any way. He sounds like he's in this relationship because you care, and because he can manipulate you into dropping your needs for his games. Frankly, I think you deserve a lot better. Your needs aren't being met and he sure as hell has shown no sign of even wanting to meet them, let alone change a character flaw.

**Pineapplebun** · November 30, 2011, 06:05 PM

Thanks everyone for your prompt response and great insight! ATM I'm very conflicted because as everyone has stated, it isn't a very healthy relationship. Even a mutual friend has said it sounds exhausting that he can't even consider another POV, that he isn't ready to have a mature relationship, etc. I really love him and I wanted some advice and I suppose the perfectionist in me wants to give it my all, because I know I ain't perfect and I'm willing to try different approaches to maybe reach out to him. But it is really comforting to hear validation from others that what he is doing isn’t right. I’m finding it really hard to let go but I will definitely be mulling things over tonight. Thanks again everyone!!!

@Sierra - thank you for sharing something so personal - I'm sorry to have to hear that you went through it and it is definitely an eye-opener and makes me think that if this is not bordering emotional abuse, I definitely don't want to stay and wait to see what it is. I have been very clear about what my needs are to him. I don't think upsetting me makes it abuse but rather that he even admits that when he's moody, he doesn't gave a crap whether I am hurting or about the relationship period. He's even admitted to being a dbag and trying to justify that it is totally okay because that is his personality yet he preaches that he treats people nicely because he wants to be treated nicely. I have pointed out to him several times and a mutual friend has also noticed that he is quite selfish but he just thinks I am guilt-tripping him.

@Megfashion - thats a very good tip to use that I won't sit there and be bullied and just hang up on him.

@Malaga - you're response made me LOL. A mutual friend of ours actually has mentioned that he is like a kid who needs his mommy because he literally wants me to be around him 24/7 and feels neglected if I talk to friends. He literally does sulk or gets angry if he does not get what he wants.

@rubydissolution: it was nice to have a very clear definition for sure because I already feel pretty crap without him beating on my self-esteem.

@meg – No I cannot it frustrates me that he cannot see beyond himself most of the time..and I keep hoping (maybe foolishly) that he will realize it.

**Pineapplebun** · November 30, 2011, 06:24 PM

xD I’m having trouble keeping up with all the responses. Thanks everyone - this is a great community and I’m so glad I came to you guys for support and to gain varying perspectives.

@ Annb8888- I never thought of that but when I told him about it and asked if he would go because I understand worse case scenario it could be a lot to deal with he said he loves me. I said well imagine what kind of person you’d be if you left someone when they needed you most? But that story is truly saddening and yes very cowardly and it’s a good point to ponder but things were going relatively smoothly after I broke the news too so I don’t think it’s that. It’s very probable that he thinks at this point that I will not leave him no matter what. In fact he doesn’t think he did anything wrong because he thinks all his actions are justifiable and rarely apologizes.

@Minerva – That description sounds just like him! Where do I learn more about this? :O

@ Eclaire – It’s interesting you mentioned manipulative because I was very unsure if it was considered that what he does and I do agree, my past partners have never cursed at me ever even in rage which is why that did not settle too well with me. It’s interesting that you point out as well that “he’s in this relationship because you care” because when I have asked him why he loves me, he insisted it’s because I am selfless. That many people are nice, but not selfless…and lately I am starting to wonder if he likes that…because he is SELFISH.

**Minerva** · November 30, 2011, 06:40 PM

https://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp..._4a3112c8.html

As the top of the list says, not all Aspies are the same. Aspergers is a spectrum disorder, which means it affects some very mildly (such as with myself and my SO), and others so strongly they can't function on their own -- and everything in between. Not every aspie has all traits and not every person with traits has Aspergers.

Also, he has to understand he has these issues and want to fix them. If he doesn't want to work on himself, I wouldn't stay with him.

Best of luck.

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