Is this emotional abuse?

[Pineapplebun]

I totally agree about those things being needs, essentials in a healthy relationship but I guess I'm at the point where I am just doubting myself because I cannot believe what's happening. To love someone you just hope so hard that all the ugliness you're starting to see is all just overreaction on my part or maybe a result of my actions, perhaps if I had a better approach. I really wanted to be optimistic and suggested the 1001 ways to be romantic book to him and told him I felt like our relationship needs more romance and I'd love him to be sweeter, though he claimed it feels odd to be romantic when its not face to face, he agreed with me but no actions followed through with it. He didn't even want to give the book a glimpse. When I said that I was getting used to the idea that he doesn't do anything for me, he just simply settled with saying that "then if you're use to it, I shouldn't have to do anything." I was terribly upset and responded saying how I may be use to it, but I'm certainly unhappy and would like for things to change and that I felt like he really is trying to get by with minimal effort. I feel that if he truly loved me, he would be excited to want to sometimes go out his way to do something special, because I am special to him and I have suggested maybe him playing his guitar for me but to no avail. He did over the past few days ask what I wanted to do and so we played other games but he still refuses to webcam despite knowing how important some form of seeing him is. More things have happened today, including him getting upset that I took a lot longer than usual to eat because I was busy looking at tumblr xD he didn't say that he was upset or that is why he was, but when I came back his attitude was indifferent. I offered to help him with his website but he kept saying "idc for your help, do w.e you want to do." I know from the past he is thinking I don't care about him simply any time delayed spending with him means I don't want to spend with him. Or he saw our mutual friend was online and knew I'd be talking to her which would mean I'm not focusing 100% on him or that I'm having an online affair with my guy friend despite me stressing that I could literally show him our conversations, and he said I'd simply edit them. I think this has just become ridiculous. He is too self-absorbed and sulking and suffocating me. I'm still holding on in case I am overreacting but I don't think so anymore but now I can emphasize somewhat with the mindset of those who endure abuse where you really doubt yourself, question yourself even among things that would normally be alerting.

I admit that my depression seems to have taken a toll on our relationship as he says that we can have a ton of fun but then my mood will go low and he says it is draining and sometimes it can happen for days and he just simply tells me to talk to him when I'm not crying which deep down I felt was a kind of insensitive response. I understand it can be draining, but isn't he suppose to be there for me all the time? He is sometimes but at least half the times he is telling me he doesn't want to deal with me while I'm tearing up. So I guess atm I am mentally just preparing for the fact that this relationship is possibly over. Maybe a small part of him loves me and he did change before, but I have been very clear about what I need and want to be happy and despite him agreeing, any actions that require even moderate effort seem to be too much for him to do. That to me means he doesn't love me like I deserved to be. I feel cheated and yet to him, I have not done enough and everything in my power to make it work. Thanks for all your insight and I think if anything, as much as I really hate this feeling right now, this immense sadness that I feel cheated, that I really love him and at one point thought he was the one for me, that in the end he said I was the one for him but his actions show that I am so small in his world, that I am losing not only a lover but a friendship as we started out as friends - I just have to take this as a learning lesson and hopefully have more courage to walk away a lot earlier next time, see with greater clarity what manipulation looks like, as I don't think this will continue on much further.

[aaron stone]

When I asked him why this time around (in attempts to hopefully calm any insecurities) he simply said "I don't owe you any explanations" which I personally felt it was kind of stand-offish and lacking the understanding of how important communication is in a relationship as my intentions were good. He's said I have been really pushy about it and I think maybe the way I went about it seemed that way, but if he would compromise once in a while, after hearing why I feel that its important in a LDR...I don't think its an unreasonable thing to ask. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like he has a way of turning things around against me. He listens, says he'll change and he did change before and realized he was being a total dbag and became really gentle/sensitive and was there..but he still can't consider another POV and lately with his patience running thin, becoming okay with being disrespectful and has stated he's tried his best...I don't see how he is giving his all really. So maybe you are right, maybe it is following a pattern or am I really just asking too much? I don't think I am.

Some people really don't feel comfortable on a webcam though I know many of us that have been or are in a ldr know that webcams can be a great way to communicate as opposed to just talking on the phone. Whatever his reasons and whether you were "pushing" it or not there is no reason for him to respond in such a tone "I don't owe you any explanations" what is up with that response. It seems just plain rude to me. It is not unreasonable to want to communicate in a LDR, it is the only way to have a successful one.

You are definitely not asking too much and I know you are trying with him but I have to ask, are you really happy with him?

[HollzHeartsChris]

I can relate to you somewhat. When I was 16, I dated someone who was a little like this. I agree with what's already been said, as far as I can see, this is an unhealthy relationship and to be honest, you can hardly be in a relationship with someone if they treat you like this. I don't think it's right. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

[Pineapplebun]

@aaron stone: I completely understand how some people including himself may find the webcam uncomfortable and I have been very patient with him, but I think the least he could have done was told me what's up to help me try to understand where he is coming from and really compromise on the issue recognizing that its pretty essential in a LDR since I cannot see him face-to-face and I've expressed that lately I've just missed him terribly. He's made some sacrifices such as reconsidering not going through with the military in case he did decide to relocate and undergo schooling here granted things workout since he doesn't plan to stay in Cali for schooling regardless though right now the relationship is really on the rocks. The issues I've mentioned have always existed, though he did reform at some point realizing that he wasn't treated me right. He said I've "ruined" him because I kept insisting if he could webcam and ever since, it's just been downhill. This was what happened the night before the conversation where he said he is depressed (convo on the 1st page). I know lately he is feeling like he is stuck in a rut with life because his current job really sucks and he always dwells on the negative feeling (tunnel visioning) and really lacks the ability to refocus on the future or think of the big-picture: That is he working this job to save money to pursue his real career. I can totally relate in that I have a degree along with millions of others who are just working a job to save money till we find our true-calling. He seems to have lost all interest in his usual interests like activities like watching movies so I plan try to be supportive, and be there for him and cheer him up. I've expressed to him that I feel like I have tried to carry this relationship mostly by myself and I would like to have a partner who can also stay strong when we go through our downs but throughout the entire relationship, not just recently, he really doesn't try to help resolve things with me. He feels like because I upset him, he should stay upset and I just end up chasing after him which I think is stupid at this point. I understand he's upset, but I think he has just as much responsibility to work it out with me so we can just resolve the issue and move on. What really worries me is that he said that when he's unhappy, he just simply doesn't care. He says he thinks I'm "the one" but if that were the case, how could you not care just because your unhappy (as in just unhappy, not close to depressed)? Am I happy with him? I think I'm really on the fence because I'm battling with the sacrifices and ways he shows that I do matter and that he does love me, with things that I see such his..IDC attitude and inability to see another POV as really not working out in the long-run. If these were things simply isolated to his recent depression, then I would understand but these issues have always existed so it is definitely more of his personality.

@HollzHeartChris: Yeah being in a relationship like this is really exhausting and definitely not manageable in the long-run. He definitely reminds me a little bit of how I was when I was 16: dramatic, intense, and lacking conflict resolution skills during the lows and believing the only solution is breaking up. But he's not 16 anymore, still young but definitely a young adult and should be behaving like so.

[Haley53]

In response to what you said about being there for his depression and feeling like it'd be a shitty thing to not be, you have to honestly consider your happiness. This doesn't sound like it's something that's temporary but rather something that's been repeating and reoccuring. He's constantly shifting the blame onto you so that you feel guilty or so that you give up and do what he's wanting you to do simply to get the argument/issue over and done with. You're looking at someone who not only can't accept responsibility in your life together but in his own life, someone who's sitting there wallowing as opposed to looking at what he can do, and someone who's decided it's too hard NOT to stay "stuck" and is, as a result, dragging you down with him. There's a difference between being there for someone who's depressed and actively working through their depression and being there for someone who's depressed and happy being miserable; some people are, and I would be mindful to look out for if he's one of these people. Currently, you're surrendering to accept things as being your fault, something you can fix, something you should be doing more, and so on and so forth, and you're settling for things the way they are because those tiny glimpses he gives you are enough intermittent reinforcement to keep you going. Personally, my opinion is that you will end up exhausting yourself holding onto someone who loves wallowing in their misery because misery loves company. As much as you may want to be there for him, that is not going to matter unless he's there for himself, too, and doing what he needs to do. You would not be a shitty person for not wanting to deal with someone who does not want to deal with their depression. I was in a relationship for almost three years (not romantic the entire time but extremely complicated, lol) with someone who was happy to stay where they were. They always talked of a better life, of accomplishing this, this, or that but it was nothing more than dreams. They were extremely depressed and didn't want to bother doing what they needed to do to fix it. The issues in our relationship were always mine, my problem, mine to fix, blahblahblah. He never put in any effort, always shifted the blame; if it wasn't me, it was some external circumstance, and it was never about what he was doing wrong or what he could do to improve it. He did not change once or make any effort to get out of the slump he was in in two and a half years. Do not fall into feeling guilty for taking care of yourself, because you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves, to put it bluntly.

[Pineapplebun]

@Eclaire: Thanks so much for sharing your personal experience its almost like a forewarning of what may lie ahead of me. Two years and a half is a very long time and I can only imagine how burnt out you must have been :/ He is trying to look for another job that isn't draining and actively seeking other things to make take himself out of the rut but I have noticed, that when it comes to the relationship, he is not actively doing much. I guess I am so caught up on the intermittent glimpses that he does show to keep me going. He seems to say that he dedicates all his time to me and he listens as if that is sufficient...but whats the point of sitting there and listening if its just falling on deaf ears so to speak, since no actions follow. I don't care for him to dedicate all his free time for me, because that's not really being there when he seems to be putting in minimal effort from what I am starting to see. After we spoke about the whole, "we only do what YOU want to do" hes been suggesting we play scrabble cause I love it, but that's about it. He says he has no time recently because of work and although I understand, it just starting to sound like an excuse because I think if he really did love me, he'd still manage to take his 3 day long weekends to show me he is willing to work on improving the relationship. It's quite amazing how blind one can be when inside the relationship. I think I have a lot to think through indefinitely, though right now finding a job is definitely preoccupying my mind also! lol xD But thanks so much for your deep insight and it's sad to think that that could be exactly what's going on.