Figured I would update everyone on my situation, especially since everyone here has been so supportive and especially since questions have been brought up in passing about how everything's been.
He finally has internet access but I've been having to get used to an entirely new internet schedule. He's mostly on in my afternoons/evenings, so quite different to the all-day routine I was used to having before everything happened.
But earlier tonight I ended up crying and venting and ended up letting something bitter slip about love stories and fairytales and he was telling me that I was his. I said I wasn't even sure what that meant anymore and that I was feeling scared and insecure because he says that, but what happens if someone who's there comes along and replaces me because she's there and I'm not. He thought I was referring to his ex (I wasn't, not wholly anyway) and said he hasn't even spoken to her in a couple weeks. He then said that it meant he wants me as in his mind is clearer/he's thinking straighter and he wants me (for those who may not be entirely clear on our situation/may not have seen my original post, he "ended" [read as: took a break from] our relationship after his mother's passing; had nothing to do with his ex, which I don't want to imply, as she was a demon in my head and not in our relationship).
Given the uncertainty of everything, I basically questioned him about what that meant, whether it meant things were the same as they have been, he's simply clearer on what he wants, or it means we'll have titles again once he feels he can do a relationship again, whether it meant we were both still technically free to sleep around if we wanted or if there was a commitment between us, similar to how it was in the beginning of our relationship, where there was a commitment but no current label(s). He said the latter was true for both cases and said he didn't want to "sleep around" or be in an open relationship (I'd mentioned that that was not an arrangement I could handle or one I wanted). He said that he wants me to be his and for him to be mine again.
I was a bit alarmed that the most I could think to say was "okay." But I more or less told him that the only condition I have is that if he wants the commitment, then he needs to be patient with me. I told him that understandable as his decision was (in his situation), I felt that it was also understandable that I'm a bit shaken and that I'm going to need time to work on rebuilding trust that may not have been shattered but that had certainly gone into hiding. He more or less said he was sorry he'd made me feel insecure/lost the trust to begin with but that he understood and would be patient with me and that it's okay to feel that way.
To be honest, I still feel a bit... overwhelmed. There's happiness, there's hope, there's security, but there's also every other emotion - sadness, anger, resentment, etc. - that's all spilling over. I simultaneously wanted to tell him "yes" and "no," kiss him and slap him, pull him closer and push him away. I figure it's because I'd started to feel something other than numbness and shock/denial, and then I'm thrown another curveball, a relatively good one, but a curveball nonetheless. And I suppose it feels as if the fairytale has been shattered, as if the "happily ever after" I'd once been so sure of and confident in has been rewritten completely, and I'm not sure I'm quite over that or the mindset.
I guess I realised that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. It's not that this is something I don't want - I want it more than anything - and titles mean little more than commitment to me, so if the commitment is explicitly there and he wants to wait until he can be a "proper" boyfriend to attach the words, I'm fine being patient with it, but I realised that our relationship can't be snapped back into place. It's going to take time, strength and courage to abandon old issues and leave baggage behind on my part and patience and flexibility on his, to get back to where we once were. He's worth it of course, and that's something I've never doubted, but right now I suppose I'm feeling a little bit intimidated, a little bit scared, at the same time as feeling hopeful. He means the world to me. He is my soul mate, and even if he doubted it, I can't say I ever have.
I simply wanted to update everyone on the situation and let everyone know what's been happening.
P.S. My apologies for the random title, but I really could not think of anything other than faces...
He finally has internet access but I've been having to get used to an entirely new internet schedule. He's mostly on in my afternoons/evenings, so quite different to the all-day routine I was used to having before everything happened.
But earlier tonight I ended up crying and venting and ended up letting something bitter slip about love stories and fairytales and he was telling me that I was his. I said I wasn't even sure what that meant anymore and that I was feeling scared and insecure because he says that, but what happens if someone who's there comes along and replaces me because she's there and I'm not. He thought I was referring to his ex (I wasn't, not wholly anyway) and said he hasn't even spoken to her in a couple weeks. He then said that it meant he wants me as in his mind is clearer/he's thinking straighter and he wants me (for those who may not be entirely clear on our situation/may not have seen my original post, he "ended" [read as: took a break from] our relationship after his mother's passing; had nothing to do with his ex, which I don't want to imply, as she was a demon in my head and not in our relationship).
Given the uncertainty of everything, I basically questioned him about what that meant, whether it meant things were the same as they have been, he's simply clearer on what he wants, or it means we'll have titles again once he feels he can do a relationship again, whether it meant we were both still technically free to sleep around if we wanted or if there was a commitment between us, similar to how it was in the beginning of our relationship, where there was a commitment but no current label(s). He said the latter was true for both cases and said he didn't want to "sleep around" or be in an open relationship (I'd mentioned that that was not an arrangement I could handle or one I wanted). He said that he wants me to be his and for him to be mine again.
I was a bit alarmed that the most I could think to say was "okay." But I more or less told him that the only condition I have is that if he wants the commitment, then he needs to be patient with me. I told him that understandable as his decision was (in his situation), I felt that it was also understandable that I'm a bit shaken and that I'm going to need time to work on rebuilding trust that may not have been shattered but that had certainly gone into hiding. He more or less said he was sorry he'd made me feel insecure/lost the trust to begin with but that he understood and would be patient with me and that it's okay to feel that way.
To be honest, I still feel a bit... overwhelmed. There's happiness, there's hope, there's security, but there's also every other emotion - sadness, anger, resentment, etc. - that's all spilling over. I simultaneously wanted to tell him "yes" and "no," kiss him and slap him, pull him closer and push him away. I figure it's because I'd started to feel something other than numbness and shock/denial, and then I'm thrown another curveball, a relatively good one, but a curveball nonetheless. And I suppose it feels as if the fairytale has been shattered, as if the "happily ever after" I'd once been so sure of and confident in has been rewritten completely, and I'm not sure I'm quite over that or the mindset.
I guess I realised that this is going to be a lot harder than I thought. It's not that this is something I don't want - I want it more than anything - and titles mean little more than commitment to me, so if the commitment is explicitly there and he wants to wait until he can be a "proper" boyfriend to attach the words, I'm fine being patient with it, but I realised that our relationship can't be snapped back into place. It's going to take time, strength and courage to abandon old issues and leave baggage behind on my part and patience and flexibility on his, to get back to where we once were. He's worth it of course, and that's something I've never doubted, but right now I suppose I'm feeling a little bit intimidated, a little bit scared, at the same time as feeling hopeful. He means the world to me. He is my soul mate, and even if he doubted it, I can't say I ever have.
I simply wanted to update everyone on the situation and let everyone know what's been happening.
P.S. My apologies for the random title, but I really could not think of anything other than faces...
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