I feel so disgusted now!

[LuvSsw]

Hello everyone,
Many of you remember me from the the thread i started here: https://members.lovingfromadistance....m-heartbroken/

It's been a hard, bumpy road since I got dumped by the 'love of my life'. And lots has happened since then, but I won't go into that right now. I am writing this post because I feel like throwing up..literally.
I gave this man my body because i thought he loved me. He fooled me..he manipulated my mind and then got me in bed..then dumped me. But now...in addition to the hurt and the shock and the anger...I have an overwhelming feeling of DISGUST. I feel unclean. And this is exactly a month later today..from that awful night. I almost feel violated! My God what have I done?! I can't take it back..OMG
What's up with this delayed response? What's wrong with me? I can't believe I let him TOUCH me.Ugh... See..I have always been the type that is firm in my belief that I would never give myself to anyone unless it was a mutually, committed thing based on TRUE LOVE. He told me during what I thought was passionate love making..that he LOvED me. Not to mention the countless times he told me this on the phone, skype, texting etc. I would have NEVER done it if I thought otherwise. He was only the second person I gave myself to. The first was a long term CD relationship. When I asked him why he did that with me if he knew he didn't love me, he said..."What...and sit in awkward silence for like 48 hours?" He is SICK. How can you do that to someone? He knew full well that I was in love with him. He used me then asked me for money..knowing he was going to dump me...I stupidly gave him money that he said he'd pay back.....(and he asked for this just moments after we finished)..and he has yet to pay it back..PLUS he says that we were just "Friends with Benefits". WTF??! Six months off freakin lies..lies lies. How deep does this hurt have to go before it just...Goes?

---------- Post added at 07:42 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:39 AM ----------

sorry for the emotional rant....i just can't help it. I feel like the biggest of fools right now.

[Joyce:)]

This is a natural response after you find out that the person you loved is actually a jerk.
I remember you saying in the other thread that after you two got intimate it didn't happen again for the rest of your stay, so at least i'm glad he didn't keep using you, or you probably would be feeling even worse.
i think quite a few people regret things that, although they felt perfect in that moment, once they saw the true colours of the other person, turned out to feel wrong and disguisting. I dated a boy who said he loved me, thought he was honest, and then turned out to be using me, so i've been there, i know how it feels.
I'm sorry, you won't be able to take what you did back, and you probably won't manage to feel good about this for a while, but you have to remember that at least you got out of this relationship before losing even more money and before doing other things you might regret.
When you find the right one, all the frogs you kissed, all the bad stuff feels less important. You are not a fool, you just got unlucky, but you will find that "someone" one day so just hang in there and don't let this idiot hurt you so much.

[thatgirllit]

My heart bleeds for you. I am so, so sorry.

What part of the States does he live in? I will be flying from West to South to East in a month and would be happy to drop in and kick him in the crotch for you.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

[Jgui]

My heart bleeds for you. I am so, so sorry.

What part of the States does he live in? I will be flying from West to South to East in a month and would be happy to drop in and kick him in the crotch for you.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

I would kick his butt too!

Im sorry for what happened to you people are just totally jerks and takes advantage of others... I believe in karma and he will pay for what his done to you one day.

[aggie]

Honey, so sorry to hear that. Listen, world is full of jerks and us, women, seem to be very naive and easily manipulated. Don't worry, you're not the only one as we all make mistakes that we regret later. I know it's sad and we get annoyed with that jerk, as well as ourselves for falling into a trap. But it happens.
I know it may sound cruel, but maybe it will cheer you up a bit, I know giving yourself to someone is a big thing (for some of us at least), but he could have done all sorts of worse things that I don't want to even think about it. Men can be a-holes, there's nothing we can do about it - well, we can send our LFAD friends to kick his crotch, but from my experience that doesn't change much in them. Now, next time you will be wiser, so that's something. And as you can't really do anything about it (and we can't either), just forget it . One day, you will meet a man that will make you forget all the bad things other men did to you, and that will give you the faith back. One, that deserves you to the fullest and would kill any guy that ever hurt you. So hold on to that!

also, make sure you get your money back! thats something he CAN give you back!

[LuvSsw]

Thank you joyce92ts. Thank you. When I think about what he has done...how he lied so much..it kind of scares me....i wonder what else he was lying about? I hate to dwell on this...and i try not to..but a little time will pass..and i will think that i'm doing ok at least...and then i will slide backwards again. I was in a bad place emotionally and I just had to get it out.....and you were nice enough to listen

[LuvSsw]

My heart bleeds for you. I am so, so sorry.

What part of the States does he live in? I will be flying from West to South to East in a month and would be happy to drop in and kick him in the crotch for you.

Again, I am so, so sorry.

Thank you..and it means alot to me it really does. I just feel weak emotionally again...
He lives north..
i travelled all those miles and I paid for the costs to go up north to see him..
that was money i could have used for other things..
let me know when you get to the states..

[LuvSsw]

Honey, so sorry to hear that. Listen, world is full of jerks and us, women, seem to be very naive and easily manipulated. Don't worry, you're not the only one as we all make mistakes that we regret later. I know it's sad and we get annoyed with that jerk, as well as ourselves for falling into a trap. But it happens.
I know it may sound cruel, but maybe it will cheer you up a bit, I know giving yourself to someone is a big thing (for some of us at least), but he could have done all sorts of worse things that I don't want to even think about it. Men can be a-holes, there's nothing we can do about it - well, we can send our LFAD friends to kick his crotch, but from my experience that doesn't change much in them. Now, next time you will be wiser, so that's something. And as you can't really do anything about it (and we can't either), just forget it . One day, you will meet a man that will make you forget all the bad things other men did to you, and that will give you the faith back. One, that deserves you to the fullest and would kill any guy that ever hurt you. So hold on to that!

also, make sure you get your money back! thats something he CAN give you back!

Thank you aggie! Just forget it...ok...i will try...how do i start?? i mean how do i make myself just forget.....i will keep trying. And do you know that it doesn't look like im getting my money back either...he's always saying that money is too tight....yet he Promised he'd pay back by a certain date....He's just lying to me all the time. Oh he is sooooo convincing. A very talented actor. I just shudder when i think of him touching me..ugh

[Pineapplebun]

I did read your previous thread on that and I was really bothered in disbelief that he could be so cruel and this info just makes it ever-so-baffling. So sorry you had to go through that. I think aggie brought up a lot of good points though that maybe, unfortunately, we are very naive and easily manipulated and all we can do is learn from it. I'm battling with that point in my current relationship in how we can be so blind so I really do wish the best for you to find a man who really will treat you and love you like you deserve. With regards to the money, it depends on the amount but if its fairly big you could try something like a small court claims if he really does not budge and you have proof..that was suggested to me when I was trying to get money back from my ex. I don't know the details of how it works since I just didn't bother. However, if its a small amount and just from my personal experience in having to contact my ex to get money back, it just delays healing and the feeling of disgust was resurfaced in my case and not worth it in my opinion.

[aggie]

Haha, i know its easier to say than actually get it done. But think of it as an experience, a bad one, but since you cant do anything about it, all you can do is actually move on. Try not to think about it, leave it behind like this small baggage we all carry through life, it's not like you're going to let him touch you again! Or anyone else for that matter, unless youre absolutely zillion % sure about it.

Im sure each one of us on this forum has done things that made them feel stupid and naive, we all had/have to go through it.
As for his money being tight, good for him that he promised to give it back by a certain date. Don't know how big the amount is, but try to get him to pay you back small amounts every week . or every two weeks. all in all, its not your problem now that hes short on money.
Being a bitch that I can be, id probably even take more money of him, just by treating it as a typical loan. But on the other hand, it could scare him off and run away with the money hes got left. So don't .

[CynicalQuixotic]

Honey, so sorry to hear that. Listen, world is full of jerks and us, women, seem to be very naive and easily manipulated. Don't worry, you're not the only one as we all make mistakes that we regret later. I know it's sad and we get annoyed with that jerk, as well as ourselves for falling into a trap. But it happens.

...

Listen, world is full of jerks and us, women, seem to be very naive and easily manipulated.

Do you honestly believe that all women are naive and easily manipulated? Why would you make such a broad (categorically untrue, offensive, counterproductive, take your pick) statement to someone who is hurting and needs to feel empowered? How does this help her at all? How does promoting this incredibly narrow-minded and damaging stereotype help anyone?

[aggie]

I thought knowing that she's not the only one dealing with such problems would be of help. Wouldnt it ?
We all (well, sorry, some of us ) have to deal with it and learn from our mistakes. That's what life is, it holds bad and good things for us.
Well, I'm sorry that I used such generalisation, but throughout my entire life I cannot recall a girl/a woman that would be strong enough to avoid any traps that are on the way. There's men like that in this world, but there's also good men around who'd deserve the love of LuvSsw and would never ever hurt her.

[Alemap]

There are some deeply selfish and callous people in the world. Looks like you've had a brush with one.
But it's about him, not you. And he's the one who has to live with his shitty self. In the words of Greg Berendt, "He hasn't gotten away with anything, because everywhere he goes, he's still that ass[sic]hole."
I am so sorry, sweetheart. What a terrible experience. I know you're feeling violated, but you acted out of love - even if you chose the wrong person. Hold onto that; at least your feelings were true, and that really does mean something.
If you only find one positive side to this experience, let it be this; this has been an educational experience, to help you learn to be more discriminating before giving your heart in future. I'm not saying this was your fault, because it wasn't - you got gamed by a terrible person - but it may have given you an idea of what to be wary of in future; some 'red flags' you'll know to look for, and be proceed only very cautiously if you see.
*hugs*
I am so sorry you got hurt. It will probably take a while to regain your faith, but I wish you as swift a recovery as possible.
Also, just in case I didn't say this enough; he's a bad person, and what he did is not your fault. You will find someone worthy of you, just wait and see.

[Engel]

Gosh, Im speechless. How much money we are talking about here, if you are ok with answering this?


Someone that knows the woman is in love with him, knows he doesnt love her, knows she doesnt have a casual view on sex (on the opposite), knows he will leave her within 24 hours after they had sex... and still does it anyway, and asks her for money as the cherry on top, isn't even worthy of the title man. He needs to grow up, this immature self centered bastart. Im really mad right now.

Im sorry dear. If you want to talk you can message me. *hugs*

[CynicalQuixotic]

I thought knowing that she's not the only one dealing with such problems would be of help. Wouldnt it ?
We all (well, sorry, some of us ) have to deal with it and learn from our mistakes. That's what life is, it holds bad and good things for us.
Well, I'm sorry that I used such generalisation, but throughout my entire life I cannot recall a girl/a woman that would be strong enough to avoid any traps that are on the way. There's men like that in this world, but there's also good men around who'd deserve the love of LuvSsw and would never ever hurt her.

Well, yes, I agree with you, but there's a difference between reassuring someone that everyone makes mistakes and making a damaging generalization about women in general.