DRUNK promises.

[aggie]

I haven't posted a thread in a while, nor gave many updates on my situation over last year, so some of you may not know my story entirely..

But trying to keep things short:
we broke up back in April'10 because we could not do long distance (we had absolutely different ways of dealing with it) and decided to move on. We still kept in touch, A LOT, even when I got into another relationship (that turned to be a LDR too), we'd still send each other photos and we'd skype. And we'd ALWAYS ring each other when drunk (i was doing student exchange in spain, so that went rather crazy).
In June this year, he said he thought we were holding each other back and that he didn't know what we had in common anymore and that broke my heart, I basically ran away to Egypt, to work many many hours a day, to keep myself insanely busy and not to think about it. He started to seek more and more contact with me, while I was still trying to keep myself sane and not fall for it all over again, hence, keep the communication at the minimum.
I came home at the end of September and thats when it all started...

even though before he didnt put too much effort into LDR, but these few months he was amazing. morning texts, downloading all these apps that made the communication easier, sending songs etc. just like back in 07/08 (our honeymoon phase)

month later (and month ago, 18 Nov it was) he started texting me when he was out quoting some lovey dovey songs, saying how he doesnt want anyone else . Then he rings and he says all the cutest things a girl could imagine. Basically "I'm about to pop the question" speech - "i want to spend the rest of my life with you blah blah" ... that gave me butterflies and tears and left me speechless, then the call got disconnected.
thats when I started being all emotional about it too.
We both tried to move on since April'10 . I had a boyfriend and I went on dates and everything, yet there was NO ONE that would even come close to turning my world upside down like my SO did (and this is why I think that we are still being a LDR of some sort). Also, me and the SO haven't seen each other since then.

So . . . to the point now,
since Nov 18 he rings me basically every 2nd weekend, when hes out , he rings me and pours his heart out. He mentions all these things I've always wanted to hear, he says he knows now that im the one, and that he will do everything he can to move to be with me etc, and then... the next week, we exchange couple of messages and thats it . As if he's a different person. Well, not entirely different, because that's his usual way of dealing with Long Distance.

Last time he rang, I actually told him that it was annoying me and that I didnt know whether to believe him or not, because I didnt want to hear 'I love you's when hes drunk and then 'I dont care's when hes sober. He said he wouldnt give me any 'I dont cares' and that I should ring him the next day and he swore that he would repeat every word. I didnt ring, I was too afraid to, but he did send a text saying 'I meant everything I said last night' .

These calls always end with 'I love you. I love you too.' but I feel it's doing my head in, as then ... he ignores half of my messages, when he replies he seems very busy or tired, and even though I know he loves me, Im a bit worried he speaks of the commitment only when he's drunk and never actually DOES anything to bring us closer. Also, it makes me go crazy, thats why I write this here, because after such phonecall I can't stop thinking about him, I text /message him a lot, he ignores half of it, I get frustrated and go quite, stop replying to his messages . then he starts writing and rings. The whole cycle starts again.

Question is, should I believe the things he says when he's drunk? Does he really want all that ?
Since he brings up he wants to make love to me, and no other girl (he sometimes mentions some girls that want him and how he 'JUST CANT DO IT') every time he's drunk too, I know in CD i'd be absolutely worried whether the guy is just using me for sex. But in LDR ... what does it mean?
I just don't think I can handle the roller coaster much longer, especially that Im at my final year at uni .

I told him I needed to talk to him when sober, and in order to do so, Im going to ring him when he finishes work (in 8 hrs) . Any advice anyone?

Massive thank you for all your opinions. ^^

[Haley53]

Personally, I think you need to be straight with him and ask him for the same respect; be direct about the fact you want his sober honesty on everything he's been saying when drunk, and remind him of everything he's said. Once that's been laid out, then I think you need to talk to each other about the "so what are we going to do about it?" and figure out, at the very least, a loose plan of sorts, because you cannot keep doing the back and the forth, and by doing the back and forth, you're only hindering each other from moving on. You're not going to meet other people, date other people, and feel a spark with those people when you're still hung up on your ex, not to mention that comparisons can often run a new relationship into the ground...

Being said, I think the most you can do is talk to him about it when he's sober, and you're sure he's sober, and go from there. I was in a similar relationship and did a similar situation for a while: when drunk, he was the most loving, affectionate, and caring man, and he fed me all the sweet words and promises I'd been craving to hear since about day one, the day we explored the connection we had; when sober, I received the cold shoulder, sometimes being on the receiving end of sparse and lifeless conversations after a night of drunkenness and pouring his heart out. It was only so long that I could do the back and forth and I eventually had to set the boundary that I didn't want him speaking to me when drunk. I didn't want to talk to him when he was under the influence, because nothing ever changed. It was always I LOVE YOU <3 when drunk, sometimes something sexual (like the making love bit yours said/says), and then he turned into a stranger to me soon as he sobered up the following morning. I'm hoping that your situation has the opposite ending to what mine did, but I would genuinely confront him about everything and demand he be honest with you. You deserve that much. And then I think you need to decide, with him, what that means, whether it means you pursue a LDR or you don't answer your phone any more when he's drunk.

[Zapookie]

He can talk the talk, but if he doesn't walk the walk, he's not really backing up his words. I wouldn't let someone's drunk confessions keep you from living your life/moving on etc. If he was really serious about you, he would tell you while he was in the right state of mind so that both of you knew it was genuine. They say drunk words are a sober persons thoughts, and that's true to an extent, but the intention and meaning behind them are very different.

[uniquefem]

Personally i wont believe anything people said under alcohol influences.. thats why in legal/law they can not take words from anyone under the alcohol influence...

But yeah should definitely talk when you both sober.

[aggie]

Thanks everyone for your input, made me ready for the sober call , that took place yesterday and today as well .

He was kind enough to call me back when he didn't answer my calls because he fell asleep, but I was out in the city when he rang, so I didn't really want to bring up the serious talk. We had a nice little chat, just a casual, the ones I miss the most. Anyways, I appreciate it every time he rings my mobile, just to talk for a little bit, because as we all know these are not the cheapest ways of communication.

Then today we talked ... And here's my big thank you for your comments again, as I said, it prepared me well for the worst.
I asked him straight away "What are we going to do about it?" and he replied with the horrifying "i don't know"
I still can tell we're quite passionate about each other, even when sober, so thats a relief.
And I think it was actually the very first time we actually looked at my options TOGETHER, but he also didn't mention any of the things he mentioned when he was drunk. In fact, he denied some of them such as
'I'm at uni and I don't want to quit my course' ,
'I don't want to live anywhere else than here',
'Look, well, I'd love for you to be here with me, but I'm not dying or anything...',
'I will come over to see you if I have the money, but I'm a uni student, still paying of the house I'm living in now' and
'I'm 24, I don't want to get married just yet. I don't want to marry you until I have my career sorted and until I have the money to support you and our future children financially'.
'I don't really want you to come here for a 3 month holiday, because I need you to be doing something, otherwise I'll be at uni, you'll get bored, and at night you'll be expecting things and we will both get annoy one another'.
The call ended with a sober 'I love you.'

I really do not know what to think about it. I think I need a commitment from him, instead of just sitting back and watching things happen, but I also realise we both have our life plans we're not really willing to sacrifice. I should be able to go see him next year (as in 2012) but only on a tourist visa, so I won't be doing anything apart from catching up with friends and such, unless I engage in some sort of research project that I will be able to do from abroad, which is an option too. But I think I'm sick of thinking about it and not having any options popping out in my head. I sort of want to just see him and talk to him in person and pick up things from there. On the other hand, however, I don't want him to have everything given on a plate.
I need a fresh perspective on that, I think . And with my frustration with my life not going where I want it to be going here, it's not so easy.

Just thought I'd give you an update on how the drunk confessions may be true "but the intention and meaning behind them are very different" .

Thanks a lot!

[Dziubka]

As hard as it sounds, sometimes love isn't enough.
It's possible that he does really love you, but at the same time if he isn't ready for any sacrifices, this isn't going to work out.

Things usually seem a lot easier when you're drunk and you don't think about all the complicated things. We've probably all experienced how easy it is to speak a foreign language or plan a trip around the world under the influence. It's only when you're sober that you really think things through and then sometimes it turns out they aren't actually quite a feasible as they seemed. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and in an LDR you sometimes need to put twice as much effort in, to make it work.

If you can afford it and would want to do it regardless of your relationship status you should go over next year. Maybe if you meet in person again, you'll both be able to make a better decision about your future.

[squirrelz15]

^^ agreed.
It doesn't sound like he's ready for a commitment at all, and honestly, he's already been making excuses for years about not being ready for a commitment it sounds like. It sounds like you guys have been going back and forth for years at this point. It may just be time to take a step back, stop talking for a while and just evaluate your life on it's own. Sometimes its really hard to see things clearly when you have a relationship that has been as much of a roller coaster as this one. You keep hoping he'll change, but what if he doesn't? How much longer are you willing to wait for him? He may come around, he may not. I personally would just take a break from each other and see how you guys feel after some time apart.

[aggie]

Thank you both heaps. A break, yeah.This is what I'd love to do... This is what I did for 3 months . Well, this is what I did for last year . More or less.
And I do realize I have been making excuses for him myself, but I just can't help the butterflies I feel when I see his number appearing on my phone when he rings.
And while the times when we don't speak and I plan my life as if he was gone, focusing on myself and myself only, it all falls apart while I talk to him, because then all I want is to be with him. Sure, I want him to move off his ass and do something, too, just like he did in the first year. He also has the perfect timing of reminding of himself, when I *JUST* set my own goals without taking him into consideration. I've learnt my lesson, and this is why I am not going to sacrifice my career or my long term plans if he doesn't show me he cares enough to do something. I also know him well enough what I need to do to make him think about it and reevaluate his priorities- stay away for as long as I can, hence, telling him I would come over to see him wasn't the smartest , just giving him what he wanted without him putting in any effort or thought.

@Dziubka, technically we're not together anyway so what other relationship status change could make me not want to go and see him ?

It's just every time I do go see him and spend my savings on that, I hope it's the either make it or break it talk. And it was a 'break it' last time, obviously didn't last that well . I'm just getting frustrated with myself more than I am with him sometimes.

[Dziubka]

Well, would you still go over if you knew for sure that you would definitely not get back together? Would you want to visit the country and the friends you have there, if he wasn't a factor at all?
If yes, then I think you should go. If the main reason for you to go is to get him back - then, no.

I don't like saying that, but if he doesn't want to be together with you enough to make sacrifices and work for it, then you're better off without him. Spend your money on a trip somewhere new, enjoy yourself.

When I was younger I was in a similar situation with a guy from Italy. We met a few times, but us being young (I was like 15 or 16 at the time), the distance was really too much of a problem to make the relationship work. We realized that and didn't ever start a real relationship, but there were still countless drunk calls and texts. Like I said, things seemed a lot easier when drunk and I started missing him and thinking that maybe we could somehow make it work.
It's different of course, because we were really young and we decided pretty much from the beginning on that we couldn't be together, but what I want to say is that I wouldn't ever trust drunk promises.

[aggie]

For starters, I want all of you know, that I appreciate all the words, even more the seemingly harsh ones that get straight to the point. So thank you, I think I need people telling me things like that to make me actually think about it instead of giving it 5 minute thought and then make it slip away. It's very important to me.

Maybe it is because we met when I was 17, he was 20 (finished high school , but didnt go to uni straight away), so I suppose we were sort of high school sweethearts. Then with me being earlier in a LDR (when I left to Australia), I didn't quite believe that it would last. He then made it his goal to make me believe that he was serious about it. That's how he got me hooked. And of course there were drunk phonecalls, but we also communicated on a regular basis too. Then he did make an effort to come here to see me.

Also, at the end of 2009 I screwed up big time, so I already have experienced a 'trip to get him back' in April 2010, when we decided long distance with such rare visits and having already spent 6 months 24/7 together (literally) with no perspectives/plans would not work out. So no, I will not be going in order to change him. i will be going there, sure, to see my other friends as well, but I will most likely be staying at his place (as we already talked about it) and I really want to talk to him in person, because I firmly believe we have grown up a bit over last two years and it's time to look at things from a bit more mature perspective.

I don't really want you to think that I'm naive or stupid because I keep going back for the same guy and I get disappointed by the same things again. Ever since long distance began the difference in our ways of dealing with it (me - overthinking, him - trying not to think) were the only arguments we ever had. Which is why I think we really need to try and focus on ourselves, preferably being close distance, to focus on our personalities, not the distance between us. Because maybe we don't even know each other that well anymore.

Since we speak of Europe- Australia flights I am going to book those, simply because I deserve a holiday in a place I love after my graduation and before my grad school, but at the same time I will keep the safe emotional distance in order to keep myself sane and to make him think about it, so by the time I see him he knows what he wants. I haven't and I don't think I will give him specific dates any time soon, until I know he's put some thinking into the whole 'us' thing.

That being said, and having had the sober chat, advise for the future interested in that matter members : do not put your hopes up on the drunk promises.

[Dziubka]

I don't think or wanted to imply that you're naive or stupid at all.
I can understand really well, the conflict between being in love and wanting to make this work on the one hand and the enormous distance and all the problems that come with it on the other.
When you're apart for longer periods of time, you can start to make a somewhat glorifying mental picture of the other person. That might be another reason for the drunk calls and promises. Unfortunately, a lot of the time the only way to get rid of or correct such a picture is to see each other in person and spend time together. So I guess as long as you don't get up your hopes too much, a visit can bring you closure or clariciation about your relationship.

However you decide in the end: Good Luck with it.