Earning trust?

[Malaga]

When I was 19 I'd been in a relationship with a guy for about a year and a half. He surprised me one day by saying he was leaving me for a mutual friend of ours. They'd been having an affair for a few months. It was horrible, I cried for months and hated him for a couple of years. After a while I fell in love with another guy and became indifferent to my ex. I didn't hate him anymore. I didn't particularly rate him as a person either. He was just somebody that I used to know. He was from another town so he'd call me when he was in my town and we'd have a cup of coffee together, and exchange pleasantries. It would happen about once a year, and I would never think of him before or after that.

That's probably the most you can hope for. But to get there it needs time. Move away and give her time to heal and to find love with someone else. Then you might become someone she used to know, someone she catches up with once a year for half an hour.

[Zapookie]

I had a similar thing happen to me like Malaga. The person is now just somebody that I used to know (good song too by Gotye, have a listen on youtube). For a while I carried around a lot of resentment and bitterness for them in my heart, but I realised that it was just turning me into a bad person and it wasn't helping me move on, so I had to make a concious decision to stop being so ******ed and let it all go.

Now I am indifferent towards them. I actually couldn't really care less at the moment. I'm in a better place and have found someone a billion times more perfect for me who respects me for what I am worth.

You have to understand that once you do wrong towards someone else, they may not ever feel the same way about you again. Sometimes no amount of time can change what has happened. She may talk to you, she may even be friendly, but in the back of her mind will always lie the memory of what you did. And then she'll remember it, stop herself in her tracks and question what on earth she is doing talking to you.

If you really do love her, keep your distance and let her heal. If you really do want her back, then you need to prove it to her. Maybe try sending her a letter, or a small present. Actions are always louder than words.

[floridaellen]

I have never cheated on my SO but I did flirt too much with other guys, which was one of the causes of our breakup in the summer. He still hurts from that and I still hurt from seeing him hurt (if that makes sense). We're back together but it is really difficult.
I'd say cut your losses. You cheated; she doesn't want you back. Move on.

[greensweatergirl]

Unfortunately I think your options to gain her trust are pretty limited. Sharon Q is right when she says that all you can do is stay honest with her.

I'm not sure why she's talking to you. It may be that she genuinely wants to be friends, it may be that sometimes it's hard to stop seeing someone cold turkey after having been in a close relationship. She may want to figure out why you cheated, I don't know. I wouldn't take it to mean that she wants to get back together with you necessarily though.

My personal feeling is that the ball is in her court. She can decide if and when she wants to be friends again, all you can do is take any chances she gives you to show that you're sincere, truly sorry, and trustworthy. And even then it might not be enough.

[Haru]

I hope you weren't expecting sympathy, but guys like you make me sick. You say you want to be her friend and you cared and love her still, but if you were truly her boyFRIEND to begin with you would've tried to work things out with her and started being honest about things instead of lying more on top of everything else. How do you know she doesn't think you're lying about wanting to be her friend? I wouldn't trust you either because to me every word you say would sound like a lie and I wouldn't wan to have to worry about it. you should've been honest from the beginning. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're just going to lie and cheat? Sounds like you need to get your priorities straight and get yourself together and figure out why you lied and hid things from the person you supposedly love. Cause this doesn't sound like love to me at all

Yeah, this pretty much too; but I didn't want to be the first reply and just be a total wench. :x
There have been times that I've wondered if my boyfriend hasn't loved me; but did I run to the nearest guy? No. I stayed, and I waited, because I was patient enough to wait for him.

[Alemap]

I'm not judging you - that's not my place - but I will advise you to send her one email, letting her know you'd like to be friends and that if/when she wants to take you up on it, she should let you know, and then leave her alone.
Contact can make it harder to get over a breakup, so don't hassle her for her friendship right now. Let her know your intentions, and leave the ball in her court.
If she wants you in her life, then someday, she'll contact you.

P.S. I'll say this, because I doubt anyone else will; the only things you can do to regain her trust are apologise earnestly, and show her your commitment to being 100% honest with her about everything from now on, not only in making the promise but in visible action. That's literally all that it is within your power to do. If she wants more than that - like some grand gesture - she's being unreasonable. Yes, I said it; she may be the injured party, and have the moral high ground, but moral high ground isn't permanent and unconditional, and it is still possible for the original plaintiff to behave in a manner beyond what they're entitled to, if they become vengeful or punitive. You've clearly acknowledged that you messed up, and are doing what you can to try to make amends. Make sure you still keep your self-respect, though, and don't accept punitive treatment just for the sake of vengeance - she gets quite a long leash in responding to your behaviour, because it was appalling, but it is still possible for her to overstep those bounds, and treat you unfairly badly. Do what you can to show her you are genuinely sorry, and want to make reparation, but don't let yourself be maneuvred into a position of being victimised, or made to grovel.

[HollzHeartsChris]

Trust is like a mirror. You can fix a crack but it'll still be there in your reflection even if it's only a bit. Once the crack is there, it'll permanently be there and there's nothing you can do about it. Some people will be willing to overlook that crack but most won't. I know if I was her, I wouldn't want to overlook it. I think you know it's over and done with, don't you? Time to move on.

[ILoveYouSteph]

Okay leaving her alone was bad advice. She thinks that I hate her and want nothing to do with her anymore. Gee thanks.

[Engel]

I cheated because I wasn't feeling any love from her, but that's my fault too... because before I cheated on her, this was like months before, she found out that I had lied about stuff and that I had hid stuff from her... so as a result she was starting not to love me anymore... so yeah... She's already letting me talk to her on the phone again, so she's warming up... she just wants me to think of ways to earn her trust back, but I can't think of anything... and I told her that time might make her trust me again, but she doesn't want me to rely on time... she thinks that by relying on it that I don't have anything else to think of...

@Sharon Q - I know it was and I really regret it. She doesn't want me to stay out of her life obviously... and if I did decide to do that she'll think that I don't want to talk to her anymore or want nothing to do with her, which is what I don't want. I've already sent her plenty of letters telling her how sorry I was...

sorry to be rude, but good ridance. she is lucky to not have you in her life anymore. someone who keeps lying and cheating? i wouldnt want you even as a friend if i was her, either.

---------- Post added at 02:27 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:25 AM ----------

Okay leaving her alone was bad advice. She thinks that I hate her and want nothing to do with her anymore. Gee thanks.

if she still wants you in her life, there is something wrong with her, this isnt a healthy relationship in any way, shape or form. let her heal and get over you

[efish1042]

I believe it is possible to overcome infidelity. I truly believe that from the bottom of my heart.
However, it isn't true for every relationship. And I'm not sure it is the case here.
First of all, right now, she wear the pants. You have no say in anything that happens between you two. All you can do is hope that she still wants something to do with you. If she has given up on you, then you have to move on.
If you really want her back, and she isn't too sick to even think about you, then you have to act like a dog, belly up in this huge crater under the dog house and do anything and everything she tells you, be completely honest, and just a lot of grovelling and ass kissing.
If that is worth the effort to you, and she survives the heartbreak, then... you can make it. Don't count on it tho.

---------- Post added at 07:43 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:39 PM ----------

ALSO! If you want our help, you can drop the attitude with us, too. Just saying... you have no leg to stand on right now.

[elizabethjp2010]

Okay leaving her alone was bad advice. She thinks that I hate her and want nothing to do with her anymore. Gee thanks.

No one said you had to take the advice, why this girl wants you in her life idk, but its her choice.

[Haley53]

I agree with what others have said.

It's possible she's still in the place where she's so shattered that you leaving her alone is like salt in the wound for her. First you cheat on her and then you stop talking to her altogether. It's unlikely to have anything to do with her wanting you in her life but more to do with the fact she's still caught up in the anger and hurt/heartache from what happened. As shitty as it is, she's at where she needs to be at. As shitty as it is for you, not talking to her is what's best for her. She would go through this phase regardless of whether you talked to her or not so it's not fair to blame us for it; it's simply come sooner rather than later because you're giving her the time she needs. Like I said, before she can even think about being your friend again, she'll need time to heal, and this is part of the process.

[Alemap]

Okay leaving her alone was bad advice. She thinks that I hate her and want nothing to do with her anymore. Gee thanks.

Your sarcasm comes off as tremendously whiny, entitled and ungrateful. The advice was given in good faith, it was up to you to exercise your judgement about whether you took it or not - likewise, it was up to you to wear any potential response to your decision.
If your ex now thinks you hate her, that is not the responsibility of anyone here.
Pull your head out.

[ILoveYouSteph]

Sorry... Just really frustrated right now. I didn't mean to take it out on all of you. I just want her and I to work... even if we don't get back together... I just want to be with her.

[efish1042]

Well if you've treated her like you have us -getting frustrated with no right- then she is probably better off, but that's her decision. Good luck?