Christmas Cards from a gf is strange?

[rubydissolution]

So, one of my friends told me that her SO's mom sent her and her mother a present and a card for Christmas. She asked what she should send back and I said chocolates and a card. Something simple, her n her SO have only been together 2 months. I had considered sending my SO's parents something along those lines, even though they aren't too fond of me. I figured its the holiday season wth. So, i asked my SO if it would be ok if I sent his parents a Christmas card and maybe something small. He flat out said no. He said "We just don't do that" and "It would look like you're trying too hard." and "it would be considered strange to get a Christmas card from a gf."

I still don't get it. I've sent out Christmas cards to my bfs parents before. I've spent Christmas with my bfs parents before and received something back. Hell I even send a Christmas card to my ex bfs parents now and we broke up 6 years ago. So i'm really really having a problem wrapping my head around these excuses. I'm not sure if its true, or if he's trying to spare me some sort of rejection seeing as they don't really like me. How is sending a Christmas card strange or trying too hard?

I'm not going to send one but maybe someone here can help me get this...

[Dziubka]

I don't know how to explain this really well... but I always think it's a bit weird when my boyfriend e-mails my mum or his family sends her stuff (a Christmas card* and they sent her some bath-stuff for her birthday this year).
I mean... it's nice and I apreciate that they like her and try to be nice and I let them do, because it's no harm, but I just know that my mum thinks it's a bit funny/strange.

My ex boyfriend's parents hated me. Having sent them a Christmas card, no matter how sugary-nice or neutral it would have been, would have been pure provocation. It's not rational or logical, but they would have hated me even more for it.

It can have a lot of reasons and I think you should accept his word for it until you know his family well enough to decide for yourself.

*edit:
he's super cute and even included our family dog in the card (among with my brother's girlfriend and my mum's husband), that'll definitely score him extra points with my mum!

[Kiara]

Also, consider that 2 months is not a long time, and your bf's parents might have the impression that you are willing to acceletate the steps a bit too much. Don't rush, you will have time to make presents and cards in the future (and then you will run out of ideas, ehehehe)!

[rubydissolution]

My friend and her SO have been together 2 months. My SO and I have been together well over a year. I've only met his mother one time and she forged an opinion of me based on that. Any attempts I've made to try to get to know her and let her get to know me have been denied by him. So the Christmas card, I've offered emails, skype and nothing he says no to it all. How can I let her see who i really am if the only time he lets me have contact with her is when i come visit? Its just frustrating.

[elizabethjp2010]

I can understand where its weird, my SO's parents sent me one this year and his brothers family sent me one, that was weird, It was a little formal i thought. So i can understand where that is weird for them, a little formal. BUT if you want to send them a card, send them a card, if they think youre trying to hard, well there are worse things someone could feel for another person! haha

[Kiara]

Oh sorry, I misunderstood the first post. So you have been togethr for 1 year, but you met his mum just once. I am sorry that she hasn't got a good opinion of you, but you can't force the situation if your bf doesn't want. I am sure that as your story continues to get stronger and longer, you will have toher opportunities to meet her face to face, and she will change her mind! But for the moment, try to accept that people can have different sensibility and your bf might consider the fact that you want to give his mum a good impression as inappropriate. At the end, you shouldn't care too much about her opinion, as long as you are sure of the feelings of your bf. Did you try to ask him the reasons behind his deny? Also, did you ask yourself why is it so important that his mum has a good impression of you?

[rubydissolution]

Oh sorry, I misunderstood the first post. So you have been togethr for 1 year, but you met his mum just once. I am sorry that she hasn't got a good opinion of you, but you can't force the situation if your bf doesn't want. I am sure that as your story continues to get stronger and longer, you will have toher opportunities to meet her face to face, and she will change her mind! But for the moment, try to accept that people can have different sensibility and your bf might consider the fact that you want to give his mum a good impression as inappropriate. At the end, you shouldn't care too much about her opinion, as long as you are sure of the feelings of your bf. Did you try to ask him the reasons behind his deny? Also, did you ask yourself why is it so important that his mum has a good impression of you?

All he ever offers as to why i can't correspond with his mother in some way is that "she doesn't do that" or "it would be strange" much to the same affect he offered as to why i can't send a Christmas card. As for why, parents have a strong influence on their children's lives. If they don't like someone they can use that influence to get rid of that person. No matter how much you love someone a mingling mother-in-law can still cause major issues. For example it was her influence that caused him to up and leave in 24 hrs without consulting me when he moved here then ran home. While he was here he never called her when i was around, always on the weekend when i worked for 14 hrs a day. I want her to like me so that we can have a future together, and I don't have to look over my shoulder and wonder when she's gonna convince him he's better off without me.

[Kiara]

your bf has to be your partner in solving this problem. He is the priority. If he is too attached to his mother, that might tell you something. I'd try to ask more and more, in a discrete way. I think you should understand how much he can be influenced by her, and why. It's not just a matter of a Christmas card (that as another member said, you can still write her!), it's more that she is somehow an outsider in your relationship, and she HAS to be!

[kiara_silver]

I think it just depends on the people. For example, my SO has only visited once, but we been together for awhile and he's sent a gift to each of my family members, and there all happy and thing that is so sweet of him. But my family is also extremely close, so they want to have a bond with him because they want to know who's apart of my life. They kind of are realizing he's for keeps lol
I think just time, showing them that your here to stay, they will become more open to you. I think sending them a card is a nice gesture, and what's the worst they can say? It's a little strange, but that's it.

[Malaga]

I'm sorry that his Mum has an issue with you - but I don't think forcing communication, even something as benign as a Christmas card, is going to help at all. I think he gave you a good advice, it's best to be polite and friendly when you meet them but keep your distance otherwise. You're not dating his parents, you don't have to be friends with them or fit in the family just yet. So they're reserved to you, you have no choice but to respect their personal space and give them time to warm up to you.

I went to visit my boyfriend last weekend and I left him a present for his Mum, a nicely wrapped box of chocolate. He'll give it to her on Christmas. I'd never send her anything directly, card or gift, for me that's crossing the boundaries. We're neither friends or family yet, we get along fine but our only connection is him so our communication goes via him.

As for cards, he usually signs us both on the card he gives her. Maybe your boyfriend could do the same? It would show his parents he's serious about you and considers you two an item. Any initiative for them to change their opinion of you has to come from him, if you do it, they could easily see it as pushy and irritating. It's tricky as you can't really expect him to confront his mother about why she doesn't like you, especially if she doesn't actively interfere so there's nothing to call her out on. He's probably trying to balance between you two, hoping things will improve with time. To be fair, they often do.

[rubydissolution]

He doesn't celebrate Christmas so giving them a card through him wouldn't particularly work. I had to spend a half hour at hallmark looking for an alternative to a Christmas card just for him. I understand I have to give them time to warm up to me, but their behavior towards our relationship hasn't been very inactive. The things she's said to him are reflective of a mother talking to a teenager. "You don't love her", "You can do better", "She's not the one for you"...etc. Along with the constant encouragement to pack up and go home instead of encouraging him to stay, and trying to pep talk him that he would get a job if he kept trying.

I'm not particularly happy with this woman, bc i blame her for him going home and for him breaking my heart into a zillion peices (granted its as much his fault as hers). But I am trying to be the bigger person in this situation and extend an olive branch. I've been the disliked gf before and those parents have warmed up to me. Example is the mother of my ex boyfriend and his sister. I love them both and i visit once a year in Florida and yes i send them Chocolate and a card for Christmas. I've never ever felt like I had something to fear from a parent until now. I've never felt quite this insecure, especially with the potential for me to move out there. She took him from me once and i fear she'll do it again. Maybe this is the bigger issue then just the card.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I don't see anything wrong with sending them a Christmas card I guess it just depends on what the person you're sending the card to is like personality wise, some people like me would like it and others wouldn't. I wouldn't send her one again if this is how she's gonna react lol

[Zephii]

I made a reply, but them the forum ate it. I'm going to try again and try not to ramble.

I'd do it. Be yourself and do what feels right. I'm all about being true to yourself. What if your SO is wrong and is just assuming it would be weird?

[Dziubka]

He doesn't celebrate Christmas so giving them a card through him wouldn't particularly work. I had to spend a half hour at hallmark looking for an alternative to a Christmas card just for him. I understand I have to give them time to warm up to me, but their behavior towards our relationship hasn't been very inactive. The things she's said to him are reflective of a mother talking to a teenager. "You don't love her", "You can do better", "She's not the one for you"...etc. Along with the constant encouragement to pack up and go home instead of encouraging him to stay, and trying to pep talk him that he would get a job if he kept trying.

I'm not particularly happy with this woman, bc i blame her for him going home and for him breaking my heart into a zillion peices (granted its as much his fault as hers). But I am trying to be the bigger person in this situation and extend an olive branch. I've been the disliked gf before and those parents have warmed up to me. Example is the mother of my ex boyfriend and his sister. I love them both and i visit once a year in Florida and yes i send them Chocolate and a card for Christmas. I've never ever felt like I had something to fear from a parent until now. I've never felt quite this insecure, especially with the potential for me to move out there. She took him from me once and i fear she'll do it again. Maybe this is the bigger issue then just the card.

As much as I can understand you wanting to be on good terms with her, I don't know if this is the right way.
I was in a similar situation with my ex's parents. They'd tell him that I was ugly, that we didn't fit together, that he should go look for a proper girlfriend, that I'd leave him the minute I found someone with more money or a bigger penis (I kid you not - they're obviously mental). Anyway, when I spent new year's even with the ex in his city and we were staying with them I desperately wanted to bring a little present or at the very least a card for them, but my ex told me not to. It would have been very provocative as I was very much aware that they a) didn't like me and b) didn't have anything for me. So I didn't.
I also eventually undrstood that seeing as they dislike me for a bunch of irrational unjustified reasons, there's no way I can make them like me through rational means. Whatever I would have done, it was always wrong. I started learning their language (they were foreigners), instead of being happy about it, like a sane person would react, they claimed I was just using their son as a free tutor. I have so much more examples for that I could write a book about it, but you get the point. If she doesn't like you - a Christmas card, won't do the trick.
The only thing you can and should do, and what I would do now with greater vigour, is telling your boyfriend that their behaviour hurts you and that you're scared to lose him because of his parents. He can decide how much say they have in his life. If he ups and leaves you, because his mum moved her little finger, then it's not because she doesn't like you, but because he isn't independent enough to lead his own life and tell her off.


Also....
Why buy him a card at all, if he doesn't celebrate Christmas? If I wasn't celebrating it and people sent me cards, I'd probably consider that a bit passive-agressive.

[Haley53]

As much as I can understand you wanting to be on good terms with her, I don't know if this is the right way.
I was in a similar situation with my ex's parents. They'd tell him that I was ugly, that we didn't fit together, that he should go look for a proper girlfriend, that I'd leave him the minute I found someone with more money or a bigger penis (I kid you not - they're obviously mental). Anyway, when I spent new year's even with the ex in his city and we were staying with them I desperately wanted to bring a little present or at the very least a card for them, but my ex told me not to. It would have been very provocative as I was very much aware that they a) didn't like me and b) didn't have anything for me. So I didn't.
I also eventually undrstood that seeing as they dislike me for a bunch of irrational unjustified reasons, there's no way I can make them like me through rational means. Whatever I would have done, it was always wrong. I started learning their language (they were foreigners), instead of being happy about it, like a sane person would react, they claimed I was just using their son as a free tutor. I have so much more examples for that I could write a book about it, but you get the point. If she doesn't like you - a Christmas card, won't do the trick.
The only thing you can and should do, and what I would do now with greater vigour, is telling your boyfriend that their behaviour hurts you and that you're scared to lose him because of his parents. He can decide how much say they have in his life. If he ups and leaves you, because his mum moved her little finger, then it's not because she doesn't like you, but because he isn't independent enough to lead his own life and tell her off.


Also....
Why buy him a card at all, if he doesn't celebrate Christmas? If I wasn't celebrating it and people sent me cards, I'd probably consider that a bit passive-agressive.

I agree with everything here.

Though I do feel that like Zephii said, you should be true to you and who you are, at the same time, my family and I have been on the receiving end of Christmas cards and not being able to appreciate them due to whom they came from. Granted we had more reason than it sounds like your SO's mother does, but in the end, the Christmas card does nothing but give you something to bitch about. :P It either comes off as passive aggressive, even if you do celebrate Christmas, or as having ulterior motives, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think we're all guilty of being unable to see the good in someone we don't like, or of misinterpreting it as something other than a nice gesture. If you sent a Christmas card to his mother, even if it were solely out of the goodness of your heart and not because you're trying to seek her approval/make up for the impression she has of you, she's unlikely to see it that way. She's more likely to put a negative spin on it and I'd say this is especially true if she has irrational reasons for thinking poorly of you.

As for your SO, if he doesn't celebrate Christmas, then does his family? Even if it's only your SO who doesn't celebrate Christmas, why send him a Christmas card? I can understand wanting to share your joy surrounding the holiday with your partner, but I disagree with forcing a holiday on someone when they don't celebrate it. You could be the biggest most invested-in-Christmas person ever and I still wouldn't say that gives you any right to try finding a way to celebrate it with someone who doesn't. :/ It's similar to when someone has religious differences. My mother goes to church every Sunday, albeit an alternative church, and I don't, even though we share in the same belief. She would love for me to go to church and for the boy too, but she won't force it. I think you need to do the same here. As much as you may love celebrating Christmas, if your SO doesn't, respect him/that and don't celebrate it with or for him.

---------- Post added at 09:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:14 AM ----------

As much as I can understand you wanting to be on good terms with her, I don't know if this is the right way.
I was in a similar situation with my ex's parents. They'd tell him that I was ugly, that we didn't fit together, that he should go look for a proper girlfriend, that I'd leave him the minute I found someone with more money or a bigger penis (I kid you not - they're obviously mental). Anyway, when I spent new year's even with the ex in his city and we were staying with them I desperately wanted to bring a little present or at the very least a card for them, but my ex told me not to. It would have been very provocative as I was very much aware that they a) didn't like me and b) didn't have anything for me. So I didn't.
I also eventually undrstood that seeing as they dislike me for a bunch of irrational unjustified reasons, there's no way I can make them like me through rational means. Whatever I would have done, it was always wrong. I started learning their language (they were foreigners), instead of being happy about it, like a sane person would react, they claimed I was just using their son as a free tutor. I have so much more examples for that I could write a book about it, but you get the point. If she doesn't like you - a Christmas card, won't do the trick.
The only thing you can and should do, and what I would do now with greater vigour, is telling your boyfriend that their behaviour hurts you and that you're scared to lose him because of his parents. He can decide how much say they have in his life. If he ups and leaves you, because his mum moved her little finger, then it's not because she doesn't like you, but because he isn't independent enough to lead his own life and tell her off.


Also....
Why buy him a card at all, if he doesn't celebrate Christmas? If I wasn't celebrating it and people sent me cards, I'd probably consider that a bit passive-agressive.

I agree with everything here.

Though I do feel that like Zephii said, you should be true to you and who you are, at the same time, my family and I have been on the receiving end of Christmas cards and not being able to appreciate them due to whom they came from. Granted we had more reason than it sounds like your SO's mother does, but in the end, the Christmas card does nothing but give you something to bitch about. :P It either comes off as passive aggressive, even if you do celebrate Christmas, or as having ulterior motives, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think we're all guilty of being unable to see the good in someone we don't like, or of misinterpreting it as something other than a nice gesture. If you sent a Christmas card to his mother, even if it were solely out of the goodness of your heart and not because you're trying to seek her approval/make up for the impression she has of you, she's unlikely to see it that way. She's more likely to put a negative spin on it and I'd say this is especially true if she has irrational reasons for thinking poorly of you.

As for your SO, if he doesn't celebrate Christmas, then does his family? Even if it's only your SO who doesn't celebrate Christmas, why send him a Christmas card? I can understand wanting to share your joy surrounding the holiday with your partner, but I disagree with forcing a holiday on someone when they don't celebrate it. You could be the biggest most invested-in-Christmas person ever and I still wouldn't say that gives you any right to try finding a way to celebrate it with someone who doesn't. :/ It's similar to when someone has religious differences. My mother goes to church every Sunday, albeit an alternative church, and I don't, even though we share in the same belief. She would love for me to go to church and for the boy too, but she won't force it. I think you need to do the same here. As much as you may love celebrating Christmas, if your SO doesn't, respect him/that and don't celebrate it with or for him.