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**mllebamako** · December 20, 2011, 01:03 PM

I'm also surprised when I hear about "Facebook drama". We both have facebook but neither of us use it very often. I sometimes put up a few pictures or update my status to give people back home an update. He checks his once every few months

I guess I could understand how if a couple uses facebook A LOT then it could cause problems, jealousy over others comments, etc. I don't believe that it's FB that causes all of these problems though. If FB didn't exist, that couple would have different drama. I think it depends on the couple. If someone is a jealous person, they will be jealous with or without FB...for example.

It has changed things for LDRs though because now we can get glimpses into one another's lives. Before all of these technology, if a couple was in an LDR and only writing letters, then they were in the dark about a lot of the parts of their partner's life. But now, they can see photos of nights out or wall posts from other people.

**Dziubka** · December 20, 2011, 01:09 PM

Facebook doesn't create drama or destroy relationships, people do.

My guess is that it doesn't even increase drama. If people are insecure or overly jealous, they'll find plenty of reasons for drama without facebook.

I have quite a few friends on facebook and it's a great way to keep contact with my friends that don't live close enough for us to meet over coffee. Nothing more nothing less. I like it when my friends share interesting links and I like to let people know what I'm up to or interested in and (sometimes) get their opinion on it, without having to send hundreds of e-mails.
In my life facebook doesn't cause more drama than e-mails, text messages, coffee dates or parties do (in fact parties have created MUCH more drama in my life than facebook ever will). Maybe the reason why people let facebook create so much drama is their insecurity combined with all the unknowns on facebook.
Some girl writes on my boyfriend's wall or comments on his posts - I think: "Oh, neat - he has really funny/nice/... friends!" someone less confident might think "whoa! Who is this bimbo hitting on MY man?!", because they don't get to see their partner's immediate reaction and don't know how the post was intended. Basically the same like over-analyzing text messages (although I'm guilty of that too, especially when I meet someone new).

It's also easier to get jealous when you have all of your SO's 'friends' laid out neatly in a list and you can check each of them out and decide they're all prettier/more interesting/more intelligent than you are. If it wasn't for facebook, you'd never actually know or keep count of how many stunning and smart people of the opposite (or same) sex your partner knows. It's up to us to (not) make a drama out of that, though

**snow_girl** · December 20, 2011, 01:10 PM

I thought about making a thread like this. It isn't facebook that is the problem it's insecurity and jealousy. In pre facebook days there was no records of who talked to whom and not every photo taken was made public for the world to see. Everything that happens now happened then it was just there wasn't that paper trail left behind. Girls would still talk to your SO, still flirt but what you didn't know couldn't hurt you. Facebook should be avoided by anyone with insecurity issues. Your SO had a life before you which included people of the opposite sex, that shouldn't stop just because they've started dating you but because you can see everyone that posts on their wall millions of questions arise that wouldn't if they past each other in the street and had a conversation leaving no record behind.
Anyone that decides to share passwords should do it with caution because clearly no one seems to respect the others privacy or trust the other. If you are someone that is given your SOs password respect why they've given it to you and don't snoop or think it gives you a right to see who they talk to and then get pissy when you see something you aren't particularly pleased with.

**Sierra** · December 20, 2011, 01:15 PM

I use Facebook a lot, it's how I stay in touch with my family and friends that live out of state and after I move I expect it'll remain the same. I love posting pictures and seeing what's going on in people's lives, but it doesn't cause any drama for me, and I am surprised when it does for other people. I'm not just saying this because my boyfriend NOW doesn't have Facebook, I've been in relationships where the other person did have Facebook, but it still didn't cause any drama in my relationship.

I do think that you're right, that if it wasn't for Facebook there would be other drama. Insecurity seems to be the root cause of a lot of the Facebook drama and I know my boyfriend and I have had drama over insecurity. It just seems that Facebook amplifies so much of the drama or is that catalyst of a problem in a relationship.

You are right, Facebook does let us into someone else's life way more than we were able to before. This is what I like about Facebook, but I don't get mad at my friends over what they've posted or get jealous. As a matter of fact, there are times where I post something out of frustration, but then never follow up on the comments just to avoid Facebook drama.

I just wish that a website didn't seem to be ruining or causing so much drama in relationships. I guess too, some people go looking for drama.

---------- Post added at 11:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:11 AM ----------

Sorry for the double post but I didn't see Snow's reply when I was posting. Snow, my boyfriend has my Facebook password but he's never once looked at it. I've never deleted messages just in case he did, and I do talk about my relationship with other people. I can see how Facebook could really contribute to insecurity and jealousy, if you see other women that are unknown to a person posting on a SO wall or whatever, but I don't know, is it just me or do I really keep my friends list to people I WANT to talk to who won't cause drama in my life?

For example, I had a friend who was constantly hitting on me, to the point that it was obnoxious, even before I was in a relationship I deleted him as a friend since Facebook was his way of getting in touch with me, but given his level of 'sleep with me' harassment it just wasn't worth keeping him as a friend on Facebook.

Even if my boyfriend had Facebook, I'm not sure that I would get jealous. I know the people in his life. I do know that sometimes I get upset when he says things to me like "I went out to lunch with some people". I know it shouldn't make me upset but I told him "Baby I know you have nothing to hide and you mean nothing by it when you say things like that, but I wish you'd use names, it makes me feel more secure and helps me build my trust in you."

I have a hard time trusting but I don't think Facebook is worth the drama is causes within some relationships. I mean, it really seems that some people STALK their SO on Facebook. I don't get it, if you have that little trust in someone, why are you with them?

**Engel** · December 20, 2011, 01:17 PM

I dont think facebook is evil, if it wasnt facebook it would be e-mail, skype logs, msn logs, and so on and so forth, the problem is lack of trust, with or without reaon, though when you have reason to lack trust, thats a whole new problem.

**Engel** · December 20, 2011, 01:23 PM

Originally posted by Dziubka View Post

Facebook doesn't create drama or destroy relationships, people do.

My guess is that it doesn't even increase drama. If people are insecure or overly jealous, they'll find plenty of reasons for drama without facebook.

havent read your reply before I posted mine, but I agree with it completely.

**Sierra** · December 20, 2011, 01:24 PM

I've never had a problem snooping through a SOs email, IM logs, web browsing history or the likes. To me saying it would be something else and the things you listed ... those are all private things that would involve an invasion of privacy to cause drama. Can't we respect each other's privacy? Aren't you supposed to trust the one your with?

I don't even look at my boyfriend's phone. I don't feel like I need to.

**Trethsparr** · December 20, 2011, 01:24 PM

I've mostly just witnessed other people's FB drama (in some cases, boatloads), and it makes me cringe, especially when people use it as a platform to complain about their significant others or family members in public. I mean, everyone they've ever met in their lives, practically, can see their statuses. How is that not going to cause a huge problem? It's like standing up at a huge family and friend function and tearing down a person who's standing right there watching and listening to the whole thing. That's just looking to start drama.

I've experienced a little drama of my own - I deleted a few people after I graduated college who were, quite frankly, not nice people, and I didn't care to read their updates or stay in contact with them. Public whining/name calling on their part ensued, even though we were acquaintances and by no means close friends at all. FB drama is, honestly, the most pointless kind of drama there is.

I've never had relationship drama with Facebook at all, even when we were long distance. I use Facebook a lot, and he hardly uses his. He plays the rare game and answers a message or two to people every few months, but that's it. His password is auto-saved into a joint computer of ours (as is mine), but neither of us feel a need to check each others accounts. But either of us have anything to hide anyway.

I tend to think that Facebook stalking one's SO is indicative of a overall lack of trust in the relationship. Otherwise, why bother? I'm not sure if it shows poor impulse control in general or not because FB is a relatively new technology, and it can be easy to give into the temptation to log in and check what one's SO is up to. Regardless, we're all free to have our individual lives, even in a relationship. Logging into an SO's account to check up on him or her just shouldn't be done. If you have concerns about something, TALK. Don't spy on your SO, sheesh.

**Dziubka** · December 20, 2011, 01:29 PM

Originally posted by Sierra View Post

I mean, it really seems that some people STALK their SO on Facebook. I don't get it, if you have that little trust in someone, why are you with them?

I wonder that all the time, entirely without facebook.
My boyfriend's best friend and neighbour has recently closed the distance with his girlfriend. To me their relationship seemed very unhealthy when they were Long Distance, but it seems to have only gotten worse since she's moved in. Boy, do they have issues.
They both literally get jealous about everyone. Example? This weekend they went to a party, my boyfriend took some photos and on it happened that on one of them, he had caught his friend's girlfriend's backside. Now this was a party, he was drunk, there were a lot of people and a lot of random photos and coincidentally one of them featured the girl turned around. He got really mad and made my boyfriend delete the pic.
My boyfriend says, and I believe him, that he hadn't even noticed that before his friend told him to delete the photo.

Ok, I don't want to hijack your thread but that's a perfect illustration about how people who want to create drama, can do so entirely without facebook. I

I banned one of my exes on facebook, because he'd make really inappropriate comments and he'd regularly try to get me back, or at least meet me (we were close distance, but he has since moved to another country) again, which I don't want at all. I don't want any contact with him, so he (and some chick that asked really obnoxious questions in one of my uni-related groups) went on my ignore list - problem solved. I'm not a fan of drama either, not in my life anyway.

**Sierra** · December 20, 2011, 01:29 PM

I agree that spying on your SO is really wrong. I would be so upset if I knew my boyfriend felt the need to even check my email or text messages. I mean if he wanted to I'd be happy to show him, but for me it's just a huge sign of lack of trust. However, if you have that much lack of trust, I don't understand the going straight to Facebook or whatever platform to basically snoop on your SO, why not just talk to them first?

I've been reading studies about how LITERALLY Facebook is causing people, especially our youth, to lose their ability to interact socially. I can't help but feel that this has something to do with it as well. Instead of just TALKING which most people don't even do face to face anymore, they text or instant message and we are losing our ability to effectively communicate. I know that if I'm having a trust issue I'd rather talk to the person instead of amplify the issue by going through their Facebook, emails, whatever.

**Engel** · December 20, 2011, 01:29 PM

Originally posted by Sierra View Post

I've never had a problem snooping through a SOs email, IM logs, web browsing history or the likes. To me saying it would be something else and the things you listed ... those are all private things that would involve an invasion of privacy to cause drama. Can't we respect each other's privacy? Aren't you supposed to trust the one your with?

I don't even look at my boyfriend's phone. I don't feel like I need to.

I trust my SO. Im just saying it isnt facebook that is evil, just that people that dont respect or trust their SOs would always find a way not to trust or respect their SOs, and snoop.

**Sierra** · December 20, 2011, 01:32 PM

Originally posted by Dziubka View Post

I wonder that all the time, entirely without facebook.
My boyfriend's best friend and neighbour has recently closed the distance with his girlfriend. To me their relationship seemed very unhealthy when they were Long Distance, but it seems to have only gotten worse since she's moved in. Boy, do they have issues.
They both literally get jealous about everyone. Example? This weekend they went to a party, my boyfriend took some photos and on it happened that on one of them, he had caught his friend's girlfriend's backside. Now this was a party, he was drunk, there were a lot of people and a lot of random photos and coincidentally one of them featured the girl turned around. He got really mad and made my boyfriend delete the pic.
My boyfriend says, and I believe him, that he hadn't even noticed that before his friend told him to delete the photo.

Ok, I don't want to hijack your thread but that's a perfect illustration about how people who want to create drama, can do so entirely without facebook. I

I banned one of my exes on facebook, because he'd make really inappropriate comments and he'd regularly try to get me back, or at least meet me (we were close distance, but he has since moved to another country) again, which I don't want at all. I don't want any contact with him, so he (and some chick that asked really obnoxious questions in one of my uni-related groups) went on my ignore list - problem solved. I'm not a fan of drama either, not in my life anyway.

You're not hijacking my thread at all, this is basically what I'm talking about. I don't get it. Why the drama? It's so silly. SO silly the petty things that have become "important" because of Facebook. Maybe Facebook is the microphone of problems, but still in so many cases I just find myself scratching myself and wondering why people acted a certain way.

There are people, that I too, have put on my ignore list on Facebook, it's fantastic. I just don't understand why people allow Facebook to be a platform for such drama, and I hate seeing how it rips apart relationships. Whether the issue be actually Facebook or just, as I, and other people said, that Facebook has become the stage for the drama.

**squeeker** · December 20, 2011, 01:44 PM

Haha both my SO and I are on facebook a fair bit, and sometimes I have a tendancy to "stalk" my SO.. mostly when I'm missing him because he isn't online, and I go to his profile and think about how lucky I am to be with him. (I still love seeing the "In a relationship with..." part!

haha) We are talking basically every day so there's nothing really we hide from each other and we have each others passwords because we've given them so the other could check something or other but even though he tells me I can log on whenever I want to, I wouldn't just log on or snoop through his messages unless we were talking and he wanted to show me something and it would be easier for me to log on to see it or something.. I try not to be jealous of girls who talk to him/he might talk to because I know I don't have to worry, usually it's more of a mild curious jealousy than anything though.

**Haley53** · December 20, 2011, 01:45 PM

I think for me, it's dependent on context.

For example, if you're talking Facebook in general, I think that a lot of people typically tend to take advantage of the sheer publicity of it. If you think about it, there's a lot of information on Facebook that one can gather simply by going to someone's wall. Depending on their privacy settings, you don't necessarily need a password to see what your partner's ex is up to or what words they and their best opposite sex friend are exchanging between them. You can't get into messages, no, but you can get into photo albums, see wall posts, comments, and the list goes on.

I belonged to a forum, where if someone said something particularly nasty and were called out on it, they'd hotly retort with, "I'm not being 'rude.' I'm being honest. Refusing to sugarcoat the truth for someone, because life isn't unicorns and gumdrops, isn't being rude." I hated that excuse, because put simply, you can still be honest while being diplomatic. I have never gotten charged for harassment and I have never had anyone down my throat for being "rude," yet I have shared some occasionally harsher/sharper opinions. If they are misinterpreted, I will apologise, because the way I want to convey my opinions is in an honest but diplomatic and rational manner. I almost feel like some people take another similar adage and use it in the same way. Ever heard "Don't put it on the internet if it's not something you'd share with the world" or a similar strand of it? I honestly feel like some people take the attitude that if soandso didn't want suchandsuch information to be read by whomever, then they should not have shared/posted it on Facebook.

Personally, I've never used Facebook as a weapon and I don't ever plan on it. Too much drama and oftentimes way too open for interpretation. :/ I was very tempted with my partner's ex, so I blocked her. I didn't know how long my self-control would hold, so I took away the temptation completely. Had I not done that and had I stalked her/her profile/anything she said on my partner's wall, then I would view that as immoral. I'm not sure how many people share that opinion. I think it's easy to rationalise it with, again, the excuses I gave earlier. It's not so easy to accept that the intentions behind it are no better than abusing your partner's password and going through their Facebook/messages.

That being said, if you're talking about passwords, and passwords being given out, I don't think this is something specific to Facebook. I think Facebook causes the most drama because it's, well, a social networking site, but I think that having your partner's password to anything, be it his e-mail or his porn account, can be detrimental, again because it leaves things too open to misinterpretation but also because I think too many people typically tend to use it as a crutch. I remember on another site this came up, and someone said, "I have my partner's passwords for everything and his bank account PIN number. I've never had to use them, but it shows he trusts me and that we have nothing to hide from each other." Personally, for one, I think if you take such pride in harbouring your partner's passwords because it means they trust you, then there's an issue in the relationship; you shouldn't need to hold onto something tangible to prove to yourself (and your partner) that the trust is there. For another, having nothing to hide from each other doesn't mean letting your partner into every corner of your mind. It doesn't mean giving them the password to everything. Having nothing to hide means trusting the other has nothing to hide and leaving it at that.

Personally, I don't see trust in relationships where passwords are shared, and I don't see it in relationships where e-mails and messages are read. One of my friends told me she reads over her partner's shoulder/reads her texts and e-mails, but only because "she's curious." But I have to wonder a) what's there to be curious about? What's so wrong about sharing your own private conversations and letting your partner share theirs? I don't expect to be a part of my partner's every conversation any more than he expects to be a part of every single one of mine and b) what would happen if that security were all of a sudden removed? If her partner all of a sudden decided they were uncomfortable with her reading over their shoulder, would my friend conclude that there must be something they're hiding? It wouldn't be the first time I've seen it happen. I think people start relying too much on being able to snoop through their partner's belongings, even if they never do, and end up putting way too much stock in it. They start using it as a crutch, and I think there's a drama llama alert if and when that crutch is finally removed.

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Facebook Is Evil and I Don't Get It

Facebook Is Evil and I Don't Get It

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