I Feel Like I Have to Let Go to Hold On

[Sierra]

I was going to post this anonymously but decided against it, I mean, what the hell, right?

I'm frustrated, and I'm tired of being let down by my boyfriend. It should be nothing but the "I can't wait to text you later" and then the texts that never come add up. The "I'm so excited to spend the night with you tonight" and then 30 minutes later heading out the door to hang out with friends ... it adds up.

I feel like I've had to put up some kind of wall to protect me. I told him, I'm not going to text him anymore when he's out if he's never going to respond, it makes me feel bad. I'm not going to stay up late to wait for him to come home if he's just going to leave anymore ... we ended our committed edate nights and we still do them, which I'm thankful for, but more and more I just feel ... out of control.

I don't know what to do. I feel badly because he said to me tonight: "I still plan on saying good night tonight" and I literally said "I really need you to not say those things to me anymore."

As things ramp up for me getting ready to move, working more to save money for the move I think he'll see a little more where I'm coming from and how I need him to make an effort. He doesn't realize the little things add up over time and I can only take so much and hear so many excuses. I don't expect him to commit every minute of every day with me or to be a slave to his phone, I just expect him to be true to his word. He does always ask me "blah blah blah wants to hang out but I'm here with you" and I tell him to go hang out. I feel like he guilt trips me into not being able to stand up for the time that I need from him from our relationship. I feel if I don't tell him to go, every time, even when I really need him, I'm a bad girlfriend. Is one night a week too much for him to give me?

I need him to show me that without me micromanaging our relationship, he'll put in the effort. I'm tired of feeling so controlling, I just want a partner. I know his heart is in the right place and he wants to be my partner, I know we want a future together ... hopefully I'm not making a huge mistake. I just feel like if I keep reaching out and trying, and get nothing in return, I'm going to get hurt to the point that I'm going to end the relationship. I shouldn't be the one holding us together, it has to come from him too.

I just needed to vent because honestly, I hate that I feel like I have to do this but I don't know what else to do. I have to protect myself too.

[squirrelz15]

Yeah, you do have to take care of yourself too. He needs to put the effort in. Asking for 1 night a week is really not asking much at all, and he should be more than willing to give it. I'm sorry he keeps letting you down. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it's completely understandable why you are.

[Mara]

Maybe if you take a step back he will change on his own.

The two of you are in this cycle where you tell him what's wrong, he says things will change, and then the cycle repeats until eventually you get fed up and then he makes some minor concession in an attempt for lack of a better word, to pacify you.

I don't think anything you are asking of him is unreasonable, but you shouldn't have to micromanage your relationship as you said yourself.

I think he's a good guy from what you've said and obviously someone you care deeply for, but I have to wonder at what point and at what cost will he listen to your needs and feelings.

[Jezah]

Im so sorry Sierra, you sound like you are feeling a bit how I was a few days back. Its hard when you want a certain level of commitment and they are unable or unwilling to give it. Mine was compounded because it is mainly me who will be picking up everything to move to him in a couple years so I am very cautious. I hate feeling controlling but sometimes it necessary if you feel the relationship slipping, and I think its natural. I wish I had more advice (hugs)

[lucybelle]

Sierra, this is the same story we've all heard over and over. I know you need to rant and let out feelings and I'm not trying to say to not come here and do it, but how long are you going to let this continue? You need to tell him "NO YOU CAN'T GO OUT" He needs to put in an effort. You just seem miserable all the time. Is this relationship making you happy? Or is it just stressing you out all the time? Something needs to change. Now. You shouldn't have to put up with this anymore. And that's that.

[Sierra]

Part of me feels really badly posting here in general, other than giving support to others. I basically only complain, I know I come off controlling and needy but it's in my moments of weakness that I need an outlet. My boyfriend IS wonderful. When it comes down to it, he says he's willing to make all these sacrifices, when we're together. But it's now that matters, how are we supposed to make it to being together?

We are caught in this cycle just like you said Mara and it's really taking a lot out of me. I've tried talking to him about it so many times and finally last night I just had to take this step. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be let down anymore. At the same time, I KNOW he doesn't want to let me down. Part of the problem also is that I'm so afraid of being a bad girlfriend it's hard for me to stand up for my needs until it becomes an issue.

It breaks my heart I can't text him without an answer. And I don't send him a million texts, I'm talking I send him maybe ... one a night if he's out? Our biggest thing is saying good night to each other, he always tells me it means so much to him, yet when he's out and I text good night I have to wait hours for a response. It wasn't always like that.

Now, he blames it on having not been in long term relationship for a long time. But we've been in a relationship now for 8 months, what changed from month one to now? I mean things were good for awhile and then it's like ... well this.

I love him, I know that he's an amazing man and I'm not willing to walk away from my relationship, I know he's worth fighting for, but this is about all I can do. It's so passive aggressive, but I feel because I told him it's not as bad. He needs a taste of how it is for me. I told him, if he wants to be a bachelor, I totally respect that and we can still be friends but he insists that's not what he wants at all.

I hate making him upset, I hate bringing these things up in the first place. I felt comfortable enough to stop basically 'requiring' him to dedicate one night to me a week but it's like unless I DEMAND something he can't do it on his own. I just feel that maybe if he sees how much I've withdrawn to protect myself and save our relationship he may see the problem here.

I don't want my boyfriend to seem like he's a bad boyfriend, we, like any couple, just have our issues. I've worked really hard on dealing with my own issues so I can be functional in the relationship and we can keep moving towards our mutual goals but it's hard.

Thank you for your responses and support, they are much appreciated.

[Sierra]

Sierra, this is the same story we've all heard over and over. I know you need to rant and let out feelings and I'm not trying to say to not come here and do it, but how long are you going to let this continue? You need to tell him "NO YOU CAN'T GO OUT" He needs to put in an effort. You just seem miserable all the time. Is this relationship making you happy? Or is it just stressing you out all the time? Something needs to change. Now. You shouldn't have to put up with this anymore. And that's that.

I know and it's the same story I've lived over and over again. I tried to stand up for myself and say I NEED this and I was accused of being a bully and having a leash on him which just made me feel like garbage and now I feel like we can't find the balance.

I'm NOT miserable all the time, this is the ONLY outlet I have regarding my relationship. I don't have anyone I can talk to when I'm struggling with my issues, I just have this forum. Just here. We definitely are happy, like I said before, I'm not willing to end this relationship, I'd rather put in the work.

I know I have to stand up for myself, but it's hard when the week goes like this. He starts by telling me he's working 6 days a week and has a party to go to New Years Eve so we won't get our date night this week but he'll "for sure be home to say good night". I don't believe the later because it never happens that way. Monday is normal, Tuesday he comes home from work and tells me how excited he is to spend the night talking to me, watching Netflix and playing video games, I'm ecstatic because this is our edate I didn't even think we'd get. Literally 30 minutes later he tells me: "I hate being put in this position but a coworker has had a really bad day and wants to hang out". I know he's asking for permission and I feel like I HAVE to say ok go out because if I don't, I'm a bad girlfriend. He tells me he won't be too long and to text him if I go to bed. I stayed up for 2 hours waiting, and then texted him that I was going to bed to no response. I got no sleep that night I just felt so bad for something I did to myself, I know I could have told him to stay, but I'm so afraid of being a bad girlfriend that I never tell him to stay home with me. Wednesday I basically just told him how I feel.

I feel like it's ridiculous he's at the beck and call of his coworkers that he hasn't even known for 6 months. I'm not asking for much, I just want him to stop guilt tripping me when it comes to seeing his friends. You know if he wants to go out, he should go out, not tell me he's going to spend the night with me and then leave right after. It's not the first time this has happened. I told him I don't want him asking if he can go out with his friends anymore, if he wants to go out, just go out. I'm not texting him anymore when I go to bed if he's not going to respond. I'm not going to text him when he's out PERIOD if he can't be bothered to text me. I'm not going to make any effort to stay up late so we can say good night. I feel like he makes very little effort so I'm going to return the favor.

To be honest, I know he feels badly about the whole thing, but today, I feel pretty good about it. I hope that he gets it. He can choose, the life of a bachelor, or the life of someone who's working on a relationship that will lead to marriage. You don't get both, you have to find a balance.

I'm not putting up with it anymore, when we were talking about it I basically told him I didn't want to hear a single one of his excuses, I'm tired of them and just don't care anymore. I want my relationship to work out, I want us to be ok and I know he can be the man I need him to be and more, he's just got to get there. But at the same time, I feel like it shouldn't be at the expense of my happiness.

I don't know how to tell him I need some of his time without feeling like I'm being controlling, a bad girlfriend or being a bully. People here have said that I am a bully in my relationship and that's just such an ugly thing to me - I'm a good person. I'm a great girlfriend, friend and companion. I'm kind, understanding and thoughtful, I don't want people to think I'm controlling of my boyfriend.

I'm sorry I'm always singing the same song, I'm not really sure what to say other than that.

[Mara]

Don't think you are alone in LFAD being your only outlet. I will sometimes talk over my relationship problems with my family and friends, but for the most part I know their opinions are biased because of their feelings for me and I am also hesitate to discuss problems with them because I don't want their opinion of my boyfriend to be a negative one when he isn't a bad person or boyfriend. Everyone's relationship looks bad if the only opinion you have of said relationship is formed from their arguments or fights.

Now with that said, I don't think standing up for yourself is going to get you anywhere. You have stood up for yourself, you have told him what you need, he sees how it effects you, now it's his turn to step up and do what's needed. Every time you say, "you can't do this or you have to do this" you are just making yourself feel bad. No one wants to feel like they have to tell someone else what they can and can't do. He is a grown man and you shouldn't have to tell him that he could or could not go out with his friends. He should've used his own reasoning to decide whether or not breaking a date with you after he had already made the commitment to go comfort someone he barely knows was a good decision or not.

I think this is the only move left for you to make. You do need to protect yourself a bit because this may be something that unfortunately cannot be overcome. I don't see why not when it's such a simple thing, but he has to be the one to make the changes and so far he hasn't done so. It sounds a lot like he is stuck in the ways of a bachelor and I really and truly wonder if things would be so different if you lived there. It's easy to be attentive on short visits, but what if you were there day in and day out? What if that was a date the two of you had in person and his coworker called?

[Eric1221]

Ugh I can relate to those feelings when you just wish the other person would put the effort in. It's really tough and draining but through it all try 2 be positive, but I mean-all the stress your going through is going to really run you down unless you take care of yourself. You should find time for yourself and go out with your friends and enjoy your own life and not worry so much about him and see if maybe things pickup on his end. I know it sucks to not talk to somebody you feel like your playing a game or something and you wish the other person would just put in the effort. Take a breather and remember that you have your own life and goals. Take some time to just relax and not worry so much about him.

[lucybelle]

I know and it's the same story I've lived over and over again. I tried to stand up for myself and say I NEED this and I was accused of being a bully and having a leash on him which just made me feel like garbage and now I feel like we can't find the balance.

I'm NOT miserable all the time, this is the ONLY outlet I have regarding my relationship. I don't have anyone I can talk to when I'm struggling with my issues, I just have this forum. Just here. We definitely are happy, like I said before, I'm not willing to end this relationship, I'd rather put in the work.

Don't think you are alone in LFAD being your only outlet. I will sometimes talk over my relationship problems with my family and friends, but for the most part I know their opinions are biased because of their feelings for me and I am also hesitate to discuss problems with them because I don't want their opinion of my boyfriend to be a negative one when he isn't a bad person or boyfriend. Everyone's relationship looks bad if the only opinion you have of said relationship is formed from their arguments or fights.

I just wanted to reiterate that I wasn't trying to say don't come here to voice your opinion. LFAD is seriously my only outlet for my relationship because I like the anonymity of it. I know this is an important place for all of us to let out our feelings and to clam down and get advice before we do something rash. And you should never apologize for coming here for advice, that's what this place is for.

I guess I'm just seeing your relationship like I was seeing Eclaire's. The both of you seem to be happy with your partners, but because you only come to LFAD for advice on something going wrong, I tend to think it's always like that. I don't get to see the good side, so I usually think "man they're always upset about something, the relationship can't be that good"

Anyways... I guess I don't really have any other advice to give you. The one thing I didn't like is how you said he'll "give you attention when you move in together". I just don't believe that. It's like those people saying "I'll start my diet TOMORROW" Tomorrow never comes. His habits need to change now. And if he can't change them now, why in the world do you think he would be able to change just because you live closer?

---------- Post added at 10:17 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:16 AM ----------

I know and it's the same story I've lived over and over again. I tried to stand up for myself and say I NEED this and I was accused of being a bully and having a leash on him which just made me feel like garbage and now I feel like we can't find the balance.

I'm NOT miserable all the time, this is the ONLY outlet I have regarding my relationship. I don't have anyone I can talk to when I'm struggling with my issues, I just have this forum. Just here. We definitely are happy, like I said before, I'm not willing to end this relationship, I'd rather put in the work.

Don't think you are alone in LFAD being your only outlet. I will sometimes talk over my relationship problems with my family and friends, but for the most part I know their opinions are biased because of their feelings for me and I am also hesitate to discuss problems with them because I don't want their opinion of my boyfriend to be a negative one when he isn't a bad person or boyfriend. Everyone's relationship looks bad if the only opinion you have of said relationship is formed from their arguments or fights.

I just wanted to reiterate that I wasn't trying to say don't come here to voice your opinion. LFAD is seriously my only outlet for my relationship because I like the anonymity of it. I know this is an important place for all of us to let out our feelings and to clam down and get advice before we do something rash. And you should never apologize for coming here for advice, that's what this place is for.

I guess I'm just seeing your relationship like I was seeing Eclaire's. The both of you seem to be happy with your partners, but because you only come to LFAD for advice on something going wrong, I tend to think it's always like that. I don't get to see the good side, so I usually think "man they're always upset about something, the relationship can't be that good"

Anyways... I guess I don't really have any other advice to give you. The one thing I didn't like is how you said he'll "give you attention when you move in together". I just don't believe that. It's like those people saying "I'll start my diet TOMORROW" Tomorrow never comes. His habits need to change now. And if he can't change them now, why in the world do you think he would be able to change just because you live closer?

[Sierra]

Part of me thinks it's cruel to come to a forum where so many of us are struggling in our relationship and brag about the good things. I celebrate our goods times with him privately, I don't feel the need to be a braggart (I'm not saying you or anyone is, I'm just explaining) on a forum about the positive aspects of our relationship.

Last night my boyfriend spent it in with me, and today we had a long talk. I told him I don't need him to be home all the time, I just need him to be true to his word, when he says he'll stay home with me he needs to stay true to his word. He said he knows he's a work in progress and he's so sorry he makes me feel this way and he knows that if he could see me get upset in person he would never leave. I asked him basically Mara's point word for word, if we were on a date and a friend wanted to hang out would he leave me for the friend? And he said of course not.

We talked about how my final decision on being out there having to be made so much sooner than we originally thought and how that's really adding to my level of stress.

Basically at the end of the conversation we both said that we would work harder, me at standing up for what I need and him for being more considerate of me. I told him again, I don't need every moment of his time, but when he says he'll do something, do it, or just don't tell me you will, it's as simple as that.

I KNOW his heart is in the right place, and yes, this issue may drive me insane and maybe I'm crazy but I have faith that we'll get through this. I know he loves me enough to want to and I know I love him enough to want to persevere.

[lucybelle]

Keep us updated! This seems like an important step for the both of you.

[Sierra]

Give it three weeks and I'll be whining again I'm sure, but honestly this is kind of the end of the rope. I can't let this keep going on. He has to be the man I believe he is, or not be. I've been as clear as I possibly can be with him and he knows where I stand. I think we can move forward, we spent a lot of time today focusing on the future which is good - to me.

We basically both agree that no relationship is perfect and they take work no matter what. We are willing to put in that work to see our goals in the end and hopefully it's fruitful for us both. I will say, this is far from my first relationship and normally I probably would have decided it wasn't worth it anymore, but with him, for the first time in my life, something keeps me really holding on and knowing that our relationship is worth having trust in.

That being said, he told me he'd be coming home to me tonight after work - got to work only to find out his friends birthday party was tonight not tomorrow night. I'm not mad at all, it's a misunderstanding and I want him to have a good time with his friend tonight.

[anlgp]

In your last post you say both of you are willing to put the work in. Regardless of what anyone else thinks at the end of the day it is you who knows "did we give it our all before finally throwing the towel in?"

Sometimes others perspectives can help, sometimes others can't. You guys appear to be in a cycle from what I can understand, and cycles happen. At the end of the day I think words and actions are about as important as the other.

happiness and longevity to me are important. yes, it is important to be in a relationship where you are happy, but longevity is also important to me as it is to say - wow we went through a hell of a cycle there, and we may have fought like cats and dogs, but on the other end of the spectrum are you going to be able to look at it afterward and say "that may be true, but we fought a hell of a fight *together* and came out the other side clean?"

to me what doesn't end it makes it stronger. I'm old fashioned / hopeless romantic in that think everything can be fixed.

i'll make an analogy to a car (and I can't stand vehicles). Say your car has a problem. This is a car that may have some miles on it, and it may be running a little different than it used to do, but you don't just junk a car that you can repair. You take it to get it fixed and it runs again.

Now, I get cars and relationships can both get to a point where the car might have 200+ thousand miles on it and it just needs to be junked, but say you're partial to a brand. We'll just use chevy for hell's sake. Are you going to go and get a Ford because the chevy you've known and loved just died? No, you're going to go get a chevy because you're true blue to the company you love.

The bad habits in relationships is what I'm making analogies to. As hard as it may be now, what are the chances these experiences are felt over and over again from an entirely NEW perspective with a different relationship? They have a greater chance of happening because the person hasn't been through all what your SO has been thru with you.

Now, I'm in no way suggesting you're thinking of going one for the other, or maybe you'd even be single if you do decide to end it. That's just kind of the stance I take on things. I hope it makes sense in some way. I know this isn't about liking one guy or another it's just part of something I read about relationships once and decided to chuck it in there.

You know what you believe you guys are capable of, if that belief is still there, then IMO...