I'm confused...

[Sharon Q]

Robert and I talked some more.
He seems to be needing a break really bad.

And it is the only thing that helps us stop fighting,

The other option he suggested is an open relationship....
He said part of the reason he wants a break is so he can be with someone else.
To remember what a normal relationship feels like.

He says in the end he wants to be with me and still wants to move in with me.

He also said if we did the open relationship thing it would only last until we got back together.

He also said that he will be alone and need someone there. I understand this as every one here should.
We are all alone waiting for our partner in the end. Weather it be two hours away or another country away.


I explained to him that I will be alone to and it is hard. But that we could try. And that I love him.

He says he loves me too and the open relationship isnt about me not being good enough or anything my insecurities are telling me. That I would still be a priority. and I wouldnt have to compete.

He also told me I am his favorite out of everyone he has dated.

Now I'm an open minded person. But I can not wrap my mind around this...

Why should I have to share my partner?
I know I don't own him and he is free to do as he wishes, but sharing him?

He said the open relationship would only last until we got back together...


Also fyi for everyone he doesnt have a cell phone and there is no internet at school ( we are both in job corps but in different states and they wont let us transfer to one another )

So we will be stuck to letters and the occasional skype when we can get to the library
So its kinda already like we are going on break because we wont be able to talk much.

I'm going to talk to him about saving for a cell phone I just feel it would be easier.

[Sano]

>.< What?!
He wants an open relationship so he can be with someone else?! I hate the way that sounds even if he intends to come back to you. That would make me feel disposable. But then Im against going on "breaks" anyway. Its just my opinion but with me, its either you want to be with me or you dont. It must be really hard relying on regular mail to keep contact. For some of us with cell phones and skype, communicating is hard enough >.< I dont think you should have to share your partner with someone else at all. I think you guys might want to re-evaluate what you both want out of your relationship honestly. If you can wait for him, why can't he wait for you? After you talk and he still wants to be someone else even for a limited amount of time I think there's someone else out there better that wants to be with you and just you.

[kiara_silver]

For me personally I could not share my SO. I would not, and would rather he walk away then suggest a open relationship. Yes a LDR is hard, these past months without him have been hard. But cuddling, dating, getting it on, those are intimate and have meaning behind it for me, i can't casually get close to anyone else that I wasn't romantically involved with. And the thought of some other girl, with my SO, I can't even imagine it, he belongs to me. So i couldn't do this. I think everyone in a LDR knows how hard it is. We all struggle, I know i've gone through some rough patches with him, where we both were having a hard time with the distance, but it passes with time commitment and understanding. Months slowly turn into weeks, to days.
If you don't feel like sharing I don't think you should have to. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, and distance makes you sacrifice a lot, but we have to work through it. Sorry im not giving good advice, I don't know what to say. It's hard, it's going to be hard, I think relationships are always hard and never get easier weather LD or CD. But you have to be willing to fight, no matter how hard it is, it's about who your fighting for. I could not accept him suggesting a open relationship and would be upset with him.

[NaNi]

I wouldn't agree with an open relationship either. It's just not my thing. Yes, my SO and I do fight and we do miss each other like crazy, but that doesn't mean we want to go looking for someone else. We only want each other. No matter how much it hurts or how long it's going to take. I'd break up with my SO if she'd ever suggest an open relationship. It's only an excuse to sleep around. But thankfully, she's not like that.

[Haley53]

Some people aren't cut out to deal with the distance, and he needs to decide if he's one of those people or if he isn't.

Although I don't agree with breaks in general (I can't even say I really agreed with the break my partner took when his mother passed), I think what particularly angers me about this one is he's not even asking for a break. He's not asking for a break to sort things through, to think about where your relationship stands, or to consider what he wants. He's asking for a "break" so he can kiss, screw, and otherwise be intimate with somebody else. He's asking for a "break" because the distance is "too hard" for him to cope with. The distance is hard for all of us to cope with. Not all of us decide running into the arms of another man/woman is how we're going to deal with that.

On top of this, I think it would be a horrible thing to bring anyone else into it. Unless he's out there having one-night stands or casual sex with multiple people, I don't think it's fair to bring anyone else into the situation unless he's clear about the fact that he's not looking for anything serious, he's simply looking for a long term friends with benefits, and even then, I'd say it's iffy. I think it takes a particular type of person to be able to do an open relationship and to be able to handle it well and appropriately, and from what I have seen, there is almost always one person in an open relationship who ends up hurt. It could be you, it could be her, it likely won't be the person who wants to have his cake and eat it too (him).

Personally, you don't have to be okay with this. You shouldn't have to be okay with this to keep him. Personally, I feel that if you're with the partner they're meant to be with, they should be able to wait for you. I have been fortunate enough to see both my LD partners (this one and the last) three times a year within the first year and a half of our relationships, but there are people who don't see their LD partners but for once a year. Some see them less than that. And yes, I'm sure those people get so lonely that it hurts, but most of them somehow manage being committed to one another. For me, I don't think I could handle being with someone who only wanted me, and me exclusively, when we were close-distance. I don't think I could handle being with someone for whom sex and physical connection was such a priority that he wanted to see someone else until he could be with me in person again, because that says more about his character than his decisions or even his ability to handle distance.

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you want from this relationship and come up with a compromise. At this point, you're wanting him to remain exclusive to you throughout your LDR and he's wanting to sleep around/have someone close on the side. It sounds like you're wanting two different things and quite honestly as though you have two different sets of values and ideals about LDRs which, in my opinion, need to be discussed. There needs to be honesty, communication, understanding, and compromise - not sacrifice - because I feel like if either one of you gives into the other it's going to do more harm to the relationship than good. It's almost a Catch 22 here.

[Lyric]

You should not have to share your partner in order to keep him. LDRs are HARD. It's not at all fair for him to expect you to have an open relationship because he can't hack it. There are perfectly valid reasons to have an open relationship - this? In my opinion? Is not one of them.

[Engel]

I think it deppends on the couple. if open relationship is the best solution right now, and you wouldnt feel bad with it, do it.
it is your relationship, and you have to see what is that you want for it. or would be ok with

I wouldnt do an open relationship, but thats because i would be all the time insecure, no judgment about others who do it though

all the best luck

[Sharon Q]

He let me choose. And he did ask for a break that was the first thing we discussed. He let me decide if I wanted to do open or if I wanted to go on break, There wouldnt be much difference, except if we decided to do open we would still talk.
a break we wouldnt. so I'm going to try open, its only going to be for two months. He mainly wants it so I will relax more.

[NaNi]

He let me choose. And he did ask for a break that was the first thing we discussed. He let me decide if I wanted to do open or if I wanted to go on break, There wouldnt be much difference, except if we decided to do open we would still talk.
a break we wouldnt. so I'm going to try open, its only going to be for two months. He mainly wants it so I will relax more.

But are you really going to relax knowing that he's going to sleep with other women? I doubt it.

[Haley53]

You will relax more if he's with some other girl?

[Lyric]

He let me choose. And he did ask for a break that was the first thing we discussed. He let me decide if I wanted to do open or if I wanted to go on break, There wouldnt be much difference, except if we decided to do open we would still talk.
a break we wouldnt. so I'm going to try open, its only going to be for two months. He mainly wants it so I will relax more.

You realize he gave you an ultimatum here, right? He does not want this so YOU will relax more. How is it going to make you relax if he is off sleeping with other people? There are too many what-ifs here. What if he falls for someone else? What if he gets someone pregnant? Have the two of you talked about what would happen in those situations? If you two have really talked through all the possibilities and YOU BOTH equally want an open relationship. Then by all means, give it a shot. However, that does not at all seem like what's going on here.

[SDPersona]

I normally don't post much because of the type of person I am, but this... THIS angers me a great deal. I just have to say something.

Personally, I don't agree and do breaks no matter what, especially not when he wants it because he "wants to be with someone else to remember what a normal relationship feels like"! He is in essence saying that he wants to screw around because the LDR is (too) hard on him. Well, the latter part I totally get because LDRs ARE damn hard and troublesome mainly due to the distance (at least in my case), but there are a lot of other LDRs who still manage it without even wanting to be with another person. Even if communication is few and far inbetween. Hell, I get to see and touch my SO only once a year and we manage (skype helps a lot!). But what your boyfriend is saying is BS. I'm sure I don't have the whole picture of your situation, but I wouldn't want to be together with my boyfriend if he said that. I'd tell him to not get in my face again. Ever. Him saying that says a lot of what kind of person he is and I wouldn't want to be with a person like that.

What's even worse is him offering that other option of doing an open relationship. It's not that I have something against open relationship, far from it. If you're the kind of person who can deal with it, understands what that kind of relationship entails, then power to you! It's the way he wants it that disgusts me. I simply can't wrap my mind around that he says the open relationship is going to last until you're both together again. Is he saying that you're going to have to share him with someone else until you're here with him in the physcial sense? If so, I'd run away as fast as I can because that's not the kind of person I want to be with. There's just too much that's messing with my principles. And you don't have to share him with anybody else if you don't want to. Really, you have to watch out for your own interests, too. You'd not be happy if you're only watching out for his.

Frankly, you're going to have to sit down and think about what you want out of a relationship and his interests seem to contradict yours. Also, I'd suggest thinking about this: Are you having these problems only because of being LD and you wouldn't have these problems when CD? Be brutally honest about it if you can. Then you're going to have to talk to your SO, see if he's going to listen to it and you both can work out issues and therefore a compromise. If not, I'm sorry to say the only other option is to break up. That's the way I feel and think about it.

[Sharon Q]

I talked to him about it again, I've decided to just go on break and we will still talk. With all the changes and stress we both just need some time away. We still love each other and want to be with one another in the end. Just for now theres so much going on that some time away would help both of us. We will still write and call one another. And its only going to be for two months. If by then we havent figured out what we want than maybe it would be best to go our separate ways. And if anything we can say we tried our best.


Thanks for the help guys.

[Sharon Q]

Are you having these problems only because of being LD and you wouldn't have these problems when CD?

We never fought this bad until we were LD. I think its just the stress. He's moved twice now because of family stuff and now he's starting school. And for me its just school and things with my mom. We are both under a lot of stress and being away from one another so long is just making it worse.

[SDPersona]

But being on a break means he's with other persons and that's okay with you? I hope I understood it right....