In a one-year LDR --words of wisdom PLEASE......

[greeneyedgirl]

Hi everyone! I am brand new here and in hopes of some wonderful insight..advice..encouragement...etc....
LONG STORY short..We live a plane ride apart (3 hour plane ride) and are madly in love. However, I am at a turning point and cannot for the life of me figure out which road to take. I have never been in a LDR so this is my first one. I am in my late 30's and was married prior to this. When we are together it is great when we are apart and/or leave each other I completely feel lost/physically and mentally. I am very confident and secure so this is not an issue. This weekend we were suppose to come up with a "plan"..We talked in circles and NO plan was made. LONG STORY short I can't move for several years (work/school etc) and he can't move for same reasons. Part of me wants a committment or SOMETHING that will show me he is serious? I have no doubt he loves me but other than that nada. I live in Florida and he is in Colorado so very different areas. I feel like I should end it or this will just continue as a weekend "fling"??? Thank you for reading and any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Haley53]

If he can't move for the same reasons, how is he any less committed than you are? His not looking forward to a move says nothing about whether or not he's committed. That said, one of the disadvantages to being in a long-distance relationship is that eventually, someone has to move. Someone has to give up their life where they're at and start all over with their SO. And it can be terrifying, but someone has to do it unless you intend to be long-distance forever. The thing is that though there may be ideal times, there is always going to be something you'll have to sacrifice at any given time. Right now it might be work and school, and you shouldn't have to sacrifice that, but what happens when it's work and that's it? One of you is going to have to leave your current job and find a new job to be with one another, assuming the relationship makes it to that point. I think it'd be worth it to consider who would be willing to at some point, whether it's him or you.

I also think you have to decide whether or not the relationship/your partner is worth it to continue. I originally didn't want to be LD for more than 5 years, but when my SO's mother passed away, and he now has his 15-year-old brother to think about, our plans have changed entirely. We no longer have a solid action plan. That doesn't mean we won't work it out, but it may take longer than 5 years, especially since I still have grad school to think about, which is one thing I'm not willing to give up/sacrifice. However, he's worth it to me. I know that he's worth that fight and I know that even if we didn't work out, I would not regret the time I've spent fighting for our relationship. I think what you have to do is decide what's important to you and where he falls on that list. Is he worth changing your life for? Are you for him? I would really sit down and talk about what you both hope to come out of the relationship and talk about all possible options and opportunities, even ones that you don't like. For example, you could both look at the job market in each other's states and see who would be more qualified and have a better chance at working where. Things like that. You should also both talk about whether or not you both feel you're worth even several years of distance. It's not easy, but it can be done.

[greeneyedgirl]

Great advice. Thank you!

---------- Post added at 06:16 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:15 PM ----------

Quick question? Did you or have you ever felt like an engagement ring would help?

[Haley53]

No.

Although of course I fantasise and of course I would love to be engaged and married to my boyfriend some day, I'm also aware that his commitment isn't dependent on an engagement ring. I also wouldn't want to be with someone whose level of commitment was based solely on a material item.

[squirrelz15]

I agree with Eclaire. Part of relationships are give and take, and she worded it really well. As far as commitment goes, I think you just have to trust him. I don't think you should force an engagement, unless you both feel it is something you are ready for (and then it's not forced ). If you're looking for a sign of commitment, a lot of people do promise rings. Every relationship is your own though, so really only you know what you need and what will work for you and your SO.

[keypatalina]

I think the best advice I can give is to just be patient and be sure you trust one another. The plan for closing the distance is something that you and your SO have to figure out for yourselves, but I've found that sometimes the planning can put a lot of undue stress on an already stressful relationship by virtue of the distance. So, I'd recommend taking it day by day and not getting overwhelmed by the details or "the plan."

[efish1042]

A ring won't make you feel better except to claim him. If you really want that, I would recommend claddagh, if anything, to have a solid representation of your commitment to each other. Pushing engagement is a bad idea.
As far as plans go? Honestly, I am the planner in my relationship and he can't plan more than a few months ahead. We've been LD for most of our 3 years and we only just recently got a real plan together. The end is finally in sight for us. It killed me to not make plans earlier, but sometimes you just have to go with the flow and only plan on NOT breaking up.
So you don't have plans? Live day by day. Love your SO. Communicate. Make plans as the time approaches and aspects become clearer and more feasible. Be patient. Trust your SO. Just plan on things working out. Don't worry about "how". If it's meant to be, it will -or you will make it somehow. Just remember that you two can do anything as long as you both want to.

[Alemap]

I can certainly understand how the ring would make you feel more secure, and I won't pass judgement on that line of thinking, however I would not reccommend you make such a commitment before you have mutually established a workable plan and put it into measurable practice.
You don't fix broken relationships with babies, and you don't fix broken situations with diamonds.

[Bethypoo]

I think an engagement ring isnt the answer. I feel like it is something that is jumping the gun and thus would not mean what it should.

Just because you are LD doesnt mean it is not serious. If you both have the same reasons for not moving then you cant really have that big of an issue. And it is temporary. Set up time for another talk. If you are talking about a future together and are making strides toward that future, no matter how slow, you are heading that way.

Dont rush things that you are not ready for just because you are panicking (whether you want to admit it or not). Good luck!!