If he cheated then, will he cheat now?

[rubydissolution]

I'm just curious what peoples opinion would be for this. If your SO admitted in the past he had cheated in previous relationships, would that bother you? Would it make you more suspicious of his day to day actions? Would you read more into his behavior?

For me, my SO admitted that he had cheated in previous relationships really early. He said he was in a bad place back then and had grown up. I believed him then, and I believe him now. However, my mind does wander when he's absent for long periods. Out with friends, working late....I sometimes wonder if hes telling the truth. If he's out with another girl. The thought is normally in and out of my mind, and I don't linger on it. I don't even give it a second thought, bc I do trust him and if he found someone else i'm confident he would tell me. The only reason I can find I even consider this possibility is bc of his past.

So what are your thoughts? =)

[Dziubka]

Yes and no.
I don't think that because someone has cheated in the past, it means that they're going to cheat again. People don't cheat because they're cheaters, they cheat because they meet someone hot, because they're bored in their relationship, because they don't respect their partner's feelings and for a million other reasons. Just because such a situation has occured in their past, doesn't mean it'll occur again. It's possible that they've learnt from their experience and won't do it again or that your relationship dynamics are so much different to their past relationships, that they won't even think of it.
Cheating is nothing that's in your character or whatever. I think most people start relationships with the resolution that they're not going to cheat.

On the other hand, I believe that almost everyone cheats in their relationship somewhere down the line. Possibly because I'm young and therefore haven't had any really long relationships, but I find it hard to believe that most people manage to stay physically faithful for 10+ (20+...) years. I don't want my boyfriend to cheat and I don't plan on cheating myself and I'd like to one day realize that "wow! I've been with this man for the past 30 years, I still love him like on the first day and I've not once wanted to cheat on him and (to my knowledge) he has been faithful for all that time, too", but realistically I know that it might not be like that. It's just something I don't worry about, before it actually happens. Sort of like cancer I guess....

In conclusion I don't think that cheaters necessarily cheat again, but I do believe that at least 50% of all people end up cheating in their relationship and some of them most likely are repeat offenders.

Did that make sense?

[Engel]

If it was in our relationship, I would always think he would cheat again. if it was in a previous relationship, I really wouldn´t care. he would have betrayed that other girl, not me. Just another proof she really wouldn´t have been special to him, if he did that to her.

I cheated on a previous boyfriend, and my SO knows, but I never did, and never will cheat on my actual SO. and he knows it and trusts me

[Jezah]

I agree with the other two girls. Short answer? No. I cheated in all of my past relationships, a fact I am far from proud of...but with time and maturity I realized why. I did not value myself and so I dated whoever showed an interest regardless of my feelings for them, and got stuck in relationships with men that bored me at best and physically revolted me at worst. Maybe the situation may not have been as severe wit your SO and his past relationships but maybe it was a shade of it? Point is, now I met HBB and after 8 months I still have no interest in anyone else. Hugh Jackman could walk up and ask me out and I would refuse, HBB is all I want and he has me. I am not resisting an urge to cheat, I have none.

Once a cheater does not mean always a cheater, while its a shitty thing to do to someone it can be just a act done out of desperation for happiness or something that was lacking in the relationship. As long as you feel it inside that he really loves you, and YOU trust him then I don't think you need to worry

[HollzHeartsChris]

Depends on a number of things I think. Not talking about anyone in particular here, because I can't really, so I'd just say it boils down to what happened and how serious it was, what was going on in the relationship at that particular time etc. Things like that really. I'm a very trusting person and I don't know how easily my trust could be won back if someone did cheat on me.

[cybunny]

Well I believe that a person is ether capable of cheating or not, so If they can do it then they most likely will if a tempting enough offer came their way.
Where as a person who is not capable of cheating will refuse any offer no mater how enticing it is!
I for one know that I am not capable of cheating as I have seen the pain it causes with my own parents when my dad cheated on my mom!
I seen how broken, hurt and beat down she was over it! I was only 8 at the time but the ramification of it was forever embedded in my mind!

---------- Post added at 10:30 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:30 AM ----------

Well I believe that a person is ether capable of cheating or not, so If they can do it then they most likely will if a tempting enough offer came their way.
Where as a person who is not capable of cheating will refuse any offer no mater how enticing it is!
I for one know that I am not capable of cheating as I have seen the pain it causes with my own parents when my dad cheated on my mom!
I seen how broken, hurt and beat down she was over it! I was only 8 at the time but the ramification of it was forever embedded in my mind!

[Malaga]

Well I believe that a person is ether capable of cheating or not, so If they can do it then they most likely will if a tempting enough offer came their way.

That's a huge generalization. There are quite a few people here, including myself, who cheated on a previous partner but who have been nothing but exemplary in their current relationship. But I can say with the same certainty you can for yourself, that there can't be an offer tempting enough for me to take it.
Why did I cheat on my ex? I was young, stupid, self-absorbed, didn't take the relationship seriously, didn't care enough for my ex. I'm a different person now. The feelings I have for my boyfriend are totally different than the feelings I had for my ex. I'm ashamed of my actions, I suffered because of them and I learned from the experience.

I do believe that once a cheater = always a cheater, but only in the relationship in which cheating occurred. IMO such relationships are then contaminated beyond repair. And cheaters need to learn a lesson, they need to lose the person they cheated on. Not everyone learns, but a lot of people still do, and if they learn that lesson and start with a clean slate with someone new, they can be as good as anyone else.

[Malaga]

Well I believe that a person is ether capable of cheating or not, so If they can do it then they most likely will if a tempting enough offer came their way.

That's a huge generalization. There are quite a few people here, including myself, who cheated on a previous partner but who have been nothing but exemplary in their current relationship. But I can say with the same certainty you can for yourself, that there can't be an offer tempting enough for me to take it.
Why did I cheat on my ex? I was young, stupid, self-absorbed, wasn't happy with the relationship, wasn't mature enough to deal with it responsibly, didn't care enough for my ex. I'm a different person now. The feelings I have for my boyfriend are totally different than the feelings I had for my ex. I'm ashamed of my actions, I suffered because of them and I learned from the experience.

I do believe that once a cheater = always a cheater, but only in the relationship in which cheating occurred. IMO such relationships are then contaminated beyond repair. And cheaters need to learn a lesson, they need to lose the person they cheated on. Not everyone learns, but a lot of people still do, and if they learn that lesson and start with a clean slate with someone new, they can be as reliable as anyone else.

[Bethypoo]

I believe both.

In my mind I want to say once a cheater always a cheater. But i guess that isnt true. Some people, like you said, have to grow up. Maybe they cheated in high school or on a someone who was cheating on them (though this doesnt make it right). But there are circumstances.

If it was a one time thing then maybe I would be okay with it granted an explanation. But for me personally, I think that i would have a hard time with trust and be paranoid. Because in the back of my mind i would be thinking that if he did it once he would do it again in some way, shape or form at one point in you relationship.

Tough subject.

[Haley53]

I do believe that once a cheater = always a cheater, but only in the relationship in which cheating occurred. IMO such relationships are then contaminated beyond repair. And cheaters need to learn a lesson, they need to lose the person they cheated on. Not everyone learns, but a lot of people still do, and if they learn that lesson and start with a clean slate with someone new, they can be as reliable as anyone else.

I agree with this.

However, I also agree with cybunny in the sense I feel that you either have the capacity to cheat or you don't. Yes, it's a generalisation, but the same could be said about anything. Although I understand that people cheat for different reasons, and though I understand that some people do learn their lessons - exception being cheating and "getting away with it," i.e. not losing their partner because of it - I also know that some people suffer those same reasons and never cheat themselves. So for me, I think I would be highly wary of dating anyone who'd had a past in being unfaithful. Maybe once at the age of 12 I could get over, though even then, it might be difficult, but if they had a habit of cheating regularly on their partners, regardless of what they felt for me, I don't think that I could do it. I have some pretty extreme and unforgiving views on cheating, however, and they tend not to be the popular opinion, but I do think that it says a lot about a person, or at least about where they're at at the time (as some people have mentioned here, they learned and grew from their experiences with cheating), if they cheat as opposed to not.

---------- Post added at 01:25 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:25 PM ----------

I do believe that once a cheater = always a cheater, but only in the relationship in which cheating occurred. IMO such relationships are then contaminated beyond repair. And cheaters need to learn a lesson, they need to lose the person they cheated on. Not everyone learns, but a lot of people still do, and if they learn that lesson and start with a clean slate with someone new, they can be as reliable as anyone else.

I agree with this.

However, I also agree with cybunny in the sense I feel that you either have the capacity to cheat or you don't. Yes, it's a generalisation, but the same could be said about anything. Although I understand that people cheat for different reasons, and though I understand that some people do learn their lessons - exception being cheating and "getting away with it," i.e. not losing their partner because of it - I also know that some people suffer those same reasons and never cheat themselves. So for me, I think I would be highly wary of dating anyone who'd had a past in being unfaithful. Maybe once at the age of 12 I could get over, though even then, it might be difficult, but if they had a habit of cheating regularly on their partners, regardless of what they felt for me, I don't think that I could do it. I have some pretty extreme and unforgiving views on cheating, however, and they tend not to be the popular opinion, but I do think that it says a lot about a person, or at least about where they're at at the time (as some people have mentioned here, they learned and grew from their experiences with cheating), if they cheat as opposed to not.

[Zephii]

I think that the "once a cheater, always a cheater" thing is downright stupid. People make mistakes, or had you forgotten? Now, studies show humans are not naturally monogomous. But then, even swans - who are used as an example of perfect love as they mate for life - are not truly monogomous. DNA testing proves that while he comes back to the same nest every night, it doesn't mean he's not spreading the love with the other swans. And her too, it's not all about the men.

Cheating, imo, is a sign there is something wrong in the relationship. Nothing more, nothing less.

And like Dziubka, I believe almost everybody cheats at some stage down the line.

I've cheated in the past. Not just once - But continuously for YEARS. Does that mean Obi's doombed to find me in some man's bed? No, of course not. Because 1) I'm older and better able to deal with a bad relationship and 2) Because he meets my needs (not just sexually) within the relationship. People who are 100% happy and fulfilled don't cheat.

I think that instead of making vast generalisations and spiltting society into the good guys and the bad guys, people need to go out and do some research.

[SDPersona]

I'm with Zephii on this one. The "once a cheater, always cheater" is stupid and more often that not a plain generalization, even if there are compulsive liars and cheaters out there. If they are cheating at all, it is just pointing at a deeper problem there, maybe a problem with their relationship or a problem with themselves. Or you just need to learn a life lesson, which is never a bad thing if damaging sometimes. Like touching fire for the first time and because you get burnt you learn not to do it again. It was that way for me. I did it once and then never again.

What I also don't agree with is the notion of having to "lose the person they cheated on" because cheaters need to learn a lesson and relationships are beyond repair if that situation ever occurs. You can only learn to be reliable by starting a "clean slate" with someone new. Personally, this is BS because you really don't need to and to me, it sometimes just seems to be the easy way out. Yes, it's hard and damaging and both sides may be hurting, but it's not impossible to learn from cheating and have a stronger than ever relationship with the same person after. However, that is dependent on the involved parties. They both must want to work on this problem and work hard on it, because getting back to the 100% trust is NOT easy. It takes a lot of time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't and then it is better to part ways and start fresh. In all honesty, though, couples with this kind of situation have to decide themselves what they want to do. For some it is better to make a clean break and for some they don't want to give up on it that easily because of the kind of investment they put in. It's risky work, but it can be totally worth it.

Personally, partners only get one chance with me and if they cheated I'd have a huge problem. Most of the time I would want to throw them out of my life because of how much it hurts me if I truly, deeply loved them, but I can't really say what I'd really do when in that situation. So, I just have to take my chances and live my life the best I can.

[Engel]

Well I believe that a person is ether capable of cheating or not

That's a huge generalization. There are quite a few people here, including myself, who cheated on a previous partner but who have been nothing but exemplary in their current relationship. But I can say with the same certainty you can for yourself, that there can't be an offer tempting enough for me to take it.
Why did I cheat on my ex? I was young, stupid, self-absorbed, didn't take the relationship seriously, didn't care enough for my ex. I'm a different person now. The feelings I have for my boyfriend are totally different than the feelings I had for my ex. I'm ashamed of my actions, I suffered because of them and I learned from the experience.

I do believe that once a cheater = always a cheater, but only in the relationship in which cheating occurred. IMO such relationships are then contaminated beyond repair. And cheaters need to learn a lesson, they need to lose the person they cheated on. Not everyone learns, but a lot of people still do, and if they learn that lesson and start with a clean slate with someone new, they can be as good as anyone else.

I agree with it. when I was with my ex, I didnt love him, i didnt care enough for him to not cheat on him, so I did cheat, and after it I broke up with him, because it wouldnt be right to continue cheatting, or continue in the relationship at all.

I also agree that cybunny made a huge generalization. it is different to cheat in a marriage, where you made vows to each other than cheatting with a boyfriend. it doesnt make it any less bad or anything, but it is different. you father broke his vows to your mother, I never made any promise to my ex boyfriend, for example.


No offer would be tempting enough for me to cheat on my SO, because there is noone I would rather be with than him. He is my everything, so I dont take lightly what she said, its like saying all women are this, or all men are that and that. i hate such vast generalizations!
but I am trying to understand where she comes from, if it is from a wrecked family, she has the right to feel like that, I guess.

[Malaga]

@SDPersona

A lot of couples decide to give it another chance after cheating, because of the investment, as you said, which they made. They invested time, feelings and memories they don't want to give up on, they don't want to break up the family, they don't want to be alone, they don't want people to gossip, all sorts of reasons. Cheating is a huge breach of trust, so huge it leaves people broken, you know what they say, you can glue the vase back together, but you will always see the tear. It's the scar both partners have to live with, and as good as it can get it's never going to be as fulfilling as it was before - how could it be if you forgive but not forget.

You said walking away is the easy way out. But I'd argue that staying in such a relationship is the 'easy' way out. People sell themselves short and their chances of genuine happiness because of the investment they made, 'a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush' sort of reasoning. What is so special about the cheating partner that makes us think they're our best chance for happiness? Why would we rather stay with someone who once betrayed our fundamental values, knowing we may forgive but never forget; why not just put it behind us, take that weight off our shoulders and try our luck with someone who we could be genuinely happy with. The only responsibility you have is to your happiness and peace of mind. Screw investment! If you're not fulfilled, find a way you will be. You only live once.

I mean, it is in the end just my perspective but I would never expect someone to follow my opinions. People should do what they think is right for them, it's their life to live, and if it makes them happy then I'm happy for them too. (I think I should put this in the signature.)

[Zephii]

What is so special about the cheating partner that makes us think they're our best chance for happiness? Why would we rather stay with someone who once betrayed our fundamental values, knowing we may forgive but never forget;

I know you weren't talking to me specifically, but I wanted to say that, like may other's probably do, I have considered what I would do if I were cheated on by Obi.

I don't like him to know it, but I'd stay. There isn't a question about it. Unless it was some mad ongoing affiar, he didn't love me but was too scared to leave or something drastic, I'd stick it out.

Why? Not because of the investment or the time, but because it would still be worth it, even after that.
And because I think we as a society have a lopsided view of fidelity. Instead of giving credit in a relationship or marriage for the hundreds of days and nights a partner chose not to cheat in the face of temptation, we are willing to say all that effort was worthless because they fell off the wagon ONCE. How is that fair? How is that logical or resonable? Why would you throw away an otherwise fulfilling and happy relationship over 15 minutes of sweating and grunting? Surely a couple who has already gone through so much can find a solution to the underlying problem?