"Me-Space"

[Haley53]

This was inspired by the threads about wondering if your partner is aware you're on LFAD, or if they have an account as well.

I am someone of the camp who believes it's important to have your own space. I have LFAD, and I had one other forum that I recently quit. My boyfriend has his forums as well. We also have our own hobbies/activities that we retreat to for downtime; he has games I don't play with him, and I watch my shows/movies, read, or write. I remember when I visited for a month, every day to every couple of days, when we would come home from being out all day with one another, we would retreat to doing our own thing for about an hour. He would catch up on his regular computer "routine" and I would read, or I'd write e-mails to friends and family, upload pictures, Skype with my family, etc. and he'd play video games or he'd go play music. We were always in the same room, sharing the same space, simply doing our own thing and enjoying the comfortable silence. We both appreciated this time of relaxation and "quiet time," and we both appreciate the fact that we have our own hobbies, forums, etc. that are separate from one another. We don't share passwords and we don't read each other's e-mails, go on each other's Facebooks, etc. If one of us leaves IM windows up, or we leave ourselves logged into FB by accident, or we leave out pieces of writing, the other closes it and sets it aside and lets the other know where it is when they can.

This is all something I value in relationships, especially since I grew up with my mother being respectful of my privacy (if we left journals or diaries out, she'd close them without reading and put them up by our rooms, she would always be mindful of respecting our private conversations on the computer, etc.) and with a father who invaded everything (at one point my sister walked into her room and he was sprawled out on her bed reading her diary; the drawer he took it from was still open and rummaged through). To me, if I have something to share, I will share it. To me, having nothing to hide from one another does not mean sharing everything with each other and keeping tabs on one another or even having that option; it means we trust that there's nothing to hide and don't worry about it. However, I'm aware some couples don't feel this way. Some couples prefer not only to share everything when it comes to passwords and accounts, but they share forums, hobbies, etc. If one partner belongs to a forum or a game, the other joins it too, not because they have any interest, but because their partner is on it.

So where do you stand? In your relationship, do you believe in not only privacy but in that you and your partner should each have your own "thing"? Something that's specific to each of you and separate to the relationship? Or are you of the camp who likes to be a part of everything your partner says and does? And why do you personally like this arrangement?

[anlgp]

Yes, absolutely.

I like to know any and every aspect she's willing to share, but I do believe that some things are necessary to be one's own for a relationship to be healthy. We've each got our own things and we respect the time necessary for the other to have them and share them with each other when we get back to communication.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I do think its important. Though I am a bit of a hypocrite...because I try very hard to share much of my life with him. For me, its a struggle of balancing a relationship, my own life, his own life, families, work, etc. There are only so many hours in a day...and even less for us with a 5 hour time difference...and if I want to see him and spend some quality time with him, then damnit I better learn how to play Portal. :P

Some days its easier than others. I often encourage him to be with his family or friends and find me when he's ready to. I don't want him to feel suffocated (which is something he has said lately, so I'm trying harder). He does the same for me. He often encourages me to take a bubble bath every once in a while...although I have a very hard time sitting still/seeing the point in it....I told him he has to teach me that when he gets here. But thats a different story...

When we are together, a lot of that "me time" is minimized...significantly. In fact he often harassed me for using my ipod when we were relaxing in the living room. When we're together, alone time comes from taking an extra few minutes to get dressed, or going to bed a little earlier. Neither of us mind it, we see the value in only getting 2 weeks out of a year. But as long as everybody's ok with it, its fine for now.

We've already talked about how it will be once we've closed the distance. "Girls nights" and "guys nights" have already been deemed as important to both of us. As has time for his gaming and my scrapbooking. And of course we will be happy sitting in different recliners in the living room, just watching tv for a few hours.

As far as our own things/privacy is concerned, its really not an issue for us. We're both very open people and struggle with keeping secrets from anyone. I let him read my journal moreso because I have nothing to hide, than because its private or whatever. He acts the same.

[kiara_silver]

I respect my SO's space. When he was here he offered to let me go through his phone, lol was random out of the blue, but I had no need to and told him it was okay. ( I think he wanted to show me he wants nothing to hide from me) And he has nothing to hide, he left his comp up, and if i wanted i could have went through anything, but I personally would have felt like i was spying? Even when he would be on the phone I would sort of tune him out or not pay attention. I trust him and don't need to pry, now this doesn't mean im not curious, lol i wouldn't mind knowing every personal detail of him. But I know its important he has some level of privacy and he needs his space. I also know if i wanted he would let me see anything or tell me passwords, I think knowing that makes it easy to not want or need to? And he knows he can have any of my personal information, but he's never asked, so i think he feels the same. We have that trust. As far as interests, lol i am a little silly with this maybe... like when he talks about things i'll google, or look into it and i'll watch what he says or get into just because he is lol Not with everything but I do pick up on things he likes, but we have our own likes to, like i love to read, im a vampire fan, i like old music, just a lot of differences, so we work well. I think im the one more to like something just because he does tho lol Like if he's into it ill check it out or try it, and usually i do like it so he's got me to like a lot of new things. We work well together. And with him going out with his friends, I want him to, with the distance it's so hard and at times depressing, I encourage him to go.... although i do at times get jealous... or let thoughts into my head. I can't help it thats me i get paranoid and im a very jealous girl, but he knows and accepts that. so it's all good. I never would forbid him, and I always share with him the big things that bother me. On my side all i go out with is just family and I let him know in advance, I check in with him all the time. Lol i think we'll make a good married couple.

[Zapookie]

I don't really specifically "need" to have my space. I really don't mind whether my SO does the same things that I do. We both play a game together, but he's more into it than I am and plays a lot more, so that's mainly his thing and I will occasionally join. LFAD is mainly my thing, but he has an account on here too, and sometimes he will occasionally join also. So we both share some things.

When he was here, we did similar to you, Eclaire. After a day of being out together, we'd come home and maybe sit in the lounge room with our computers but we'd do our own thing. Or sometimes he would go into his room and put his headphones on and make music, that's his way of unwinding. We often were in each other's space, but we wouldn't really bother each other. We'd just sit there together and it was just nice to be able to be in each others presence without feeling smothered or like we absolutley had to be alone and away from each other.

I'm not really decided on this issue, because I want to share my life with him. I don't really keep secrets from him and I know he wants to feel included in everything I do, as do I. We don't go as far as sharing passwords or anything like that, but we do tell each other everything (or at least I hope he tells me everything, I know I do haha).

[13000km]

My boyfriend has an account on here, though I'm pretty sure that he never reads it anymore since we closed the distance, but he knows when I'm on here, he asks about forum topics and we talk about it. I don't really need me-space, nor do I feel like he has to be involved in every aspect of my life. He likes his alone time, mostly to read or listen to music, but I don't think he has a place he goes to regularly online besides facebook. We're often doing homework/on the computer/watching TV on our own in the same room. We used to do the same when we were LD on skype.

As far as passwords go, we know each other's passwords not for snooping purposes, but for convenience sake. Like, he knows my password because he was using my computer to log into the school wifi, and I know his because I had to log into his email to read him an email when he was out trying to buy a specific thing. We use the same passwords for all our accounts, so it's not so much a privacy thing for us.

[Rugger]

I think "me-space" is very important. Eclaire, my SO and I do the same thing as you. We'll be in the same room, doing seperate things. I like it because he's near me but we get to do what we want.

[Zephii]

I always like your threads.

When we're doing something seperately but are togehter (either in person or via skype) we call it "being companionable". We like to be in each other's presence, but it's not good for sanity or the relationship to give each other attention all of the time. It's different when we're both working though. When we're working we keep our seperate days off for our own time, and after work we do things together instead.

I've told him for years that I don't see couples as two individuals anymore, I see a unit. And that goes for myself too. I don't consider him a seperate person. Everything is shared, from our bank account to passwords, to the food on his plate. I expect to recieve what I give in a relationship, and I give everything. With that said, I don't snoop anymore. I told him that I'd give him privacy as soon as he stopped giving me a reason to be suspicious, and I have. We share my laptop at the moment and from that I have access to his facebook, I know his email password, if I could be bothered I might check the history on this computer and see what he does while I'm at work... but he gives me no reason to, so I don't. My mum was like yours, she never read our diaries or went through our things. And I think that's how it should be. I think nothing should be hidden, because if you have nothing to hide you're not interesting enough to have someone want to snoop through your stuff anyway.

We both have our own "things", but we share them a bit too. I have my spirituality and yoga, my writing, and these forums, and he has his D&D, his art, movies and games that I'm not interested in. While those things are more for one of us, we still share it with the other. He tells me about these movies that I don't want to see and sometimes I back down and see them. I also play D&D with him, though it's not "my" thing. And occasionally he'll do a ritual with me, or some yoga, or I'll read him a thread from here.

I feel that couples who don't have their own seperate interests are probaly doombed to failure at some point (unless their shared interests are pretty damn awesome) because there's nothing to talk about, they aren't bringing anything new into the relationship, and they might not be nurturing themselves enough. But I think too much space is bad too. I know many couples who do almost nothing together except sleep and sex. Like flatmates with benifits.

[Yaaamiii]

My SO and I are very different but very similar at the same time. His own space includes watching a ton of movies/shows, playing online games, or reading. My own thing...I have interests obviously but I'm lazy and sometimes don't feel like actually doing anything else other than sitting in front of my computer but I like to paint and do Zumba and watch comedies. We share interests but we still have our own thing. We do share passwords though. It had more to do with convenience sakes though. Like one day he needed me to check something so he told me his password and all of his passwords are pretty similar if not the same so. I don't snoop though. I am curious, but I respect his privacy more than I am curious. He also knows all of my stuff as well, but I trust that he doesn't go into it. I don't really care I don't think, but whatever. My SO is a snorer but not a bad one, I can sleep though it. I think only one time in the 2.5 years we've been dating have I ever had to shake him awake because his snoring woke me up. :P

[Heather]

My SO and I have access to everything, we don't ever hide anything. We don't lock our phones or have passwords on our computers. We know each others passwords to say like Facebook accounts and such but we don't really snoop. I used to be bad about it but I've become very trusting of him. We have our own games and things we like to do on the computer but we also have a lot of likes that we do together. Even if it's just for a little bit each day, we always do our own thing but we're still in the same room and in the presence of each other. He'll whistle at me or we just randomly tell the other something about whatever we're doing.. I love it. Sometimes, if I'm bored then I think we have too much "me-space" LOL but I know it's still good for the relationship.

[Ianthe]

I had to think about this for a while, but I do agree with needing at least one separate hobby or a space to call my own. I think it'll be especially important once we're living together, and we both have to acclimate to living with somebody else. I think if we shared all of the same hobbies, it would be too easy to slip into codependency, and that's really a black hole I have no desire to fall into.

As far as privacy, we share passwords on a need-to-know basis, and when we're visiting each other, it's nothing for one of us to leave our Gmail or Facebook logged in to the computer we're both using. Ten years ago I would have given you a different answer, but I really have no overwhelming desire to go through either, even though he wouldn't really care, laid-back person that he is.

On that note though...when I was young and dumb(er)...probably about 17, I was spending the night at my bestie's house. She was sleeping, and I had been using her ICQ (yep, I AM that old) account to chat with a guy friend who had had a crush on me not too long ago. My curiosity got the better of me, and I wondered...had they been talking about me? So, out come the chat histories. I um, didn't exactly find what I was looking for, and I learned that my best friend thought none too highly of me. Hard lesson learned that night...I'd rather not know what people are saying behind my back. :P

[lucybelle]

Well right at this moment I'm on my computer, and my SO is watching TV. Usually we do this for about half an hour or so. I say I want to play on my computer, so we both lie in bed and while he watches TV, I play I think it works really well. My SO doesn't know about LFAD and I actively keep it from him. I think he would be upset about how much I share on here, but I have to share it with SOMEONE. And I think it's harmless enough.

So yes, I like that we have our own things and I also think it's important. Just like with any relationship (with your family members, friends, colleagues, etc) you should have things you do together, and things you do apart. It's perfectly healthy.

[Haley53]

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the responses and as usual, they're quite interesting for me. I'm such a nerd; I love reading about different dynamics and the ways they work. xD

[ushiwakafox]

Omg if we didn't have our own separate interests and hobbies I think I'd go nuts (more so). I love him to death, and I know he loves me too, but we both value our me-times.
I'm very appreciative that he's respectful of my space and stuff. He knows I'm fairly active on this forum, but he knows this is one of my retreats. Plus he's the video gaming blood and guts type, so he's not interested in this "sissy stuff" anyway X)
I think it's healthy to have alone time; you'd get sick of each other otherwise. I don't know, I guess it could work for some people. I just can't imagine spending every waking moment with him lol. That sounds really horrible. I'm very into the idea of marriage so I guess that might not make sense. I love the idea of being around him that much, but we'll still have our own space to do our own things. He'll get his man cave and most likely I'll have the bedroom. Which is fine by me.

[Bethypoo]

We definatly do out own thing. There is at least one night a week that we talk during the day as usual (via text) but then go out with our friends and then just say good night. He has his friends and I have mine. Granted, when i am in the same city, i tend to be selfish and want him to myself. But I will hang out with my friends and we will bake or do our thing and he will go play games with his friends.

Ad for being on LFAD, he knows about it and that I talk to you guys when I need help or to get some perspective or to give you guys my 2 cents. But other than that, he is not involved in it. It is my thing. And as much as I believe in a date night, i do believe in some me time.