Conflicting religious beliefs, is this a problem?

[lucybelle]

So yes I did suggest that you two end the relationship, but it's because that's what worked best for me. For me, having the same beliefs is extremely important to me. Like I said before, I couldn't handle someone telling me I'm going to hell. I couldn't handle someone telling me I'm wrong about everything. Even if it "only" is every couple weeks. I feel like if I bite my tongue about how I think believing in god is a load of crap, then they shouldn't say anything to me about hellfire.

If you really think this relationship is worth sticking out, then you BOTH need to compromise. To me it seems like only you have compromised. You try not to hurt his feelings and beat around the religion bush. But he doesn't seem to think it's bad at all to tell you you're going to hell and attempt to convert you. You need to let him know that saying these things bother you, that there's some things you're not ready to compromise on. That you love him dearly and you want him to respect your beliefs, just like you respect his.

[Sierra]

and if you believed it was a matter of life or death, would you say something to the person you love?

to prevent this from becoming an argument I will not reply again.

OP: I hope your situation turns out well. You seem very nice so I hope you have a good relationship with whoever you choose to be with. Please understand that your boyfriend is not trying to hurt you, but if you truly are apathetic toward whether there's a God or whether you should go to church, this is something you and he must work out. Please have a wonderful day.

I have an interesting story about this. For about one date, I dated (we decided we were dating before we got to on our actual first date) a very religious Baptist man. We worked together and at work we would talk endlessly about god and how I didn't believe and his beliefs and because I was born and raised Catholic our discussions were always lively, interesting and with nothing but respect for each other.

For our first date, he brought me to a church function, which I was ok with and totally excited about. I thought that they were going to be opening and accepting of me, I was excited to hear the live music and meet everyone he talked so fondly about.

A couple hours into the night, we're having a great time, and on this giant movie projector they played this short little commercial showing a group of young people getting into a car accident and dying, at the end of the video it said "I know my soul is saved tonight, is yours?" And EVERY PERSON in that church turned and looked at me. At that very moment I realized if I was to have a serious relationship with this man I was going to have to convert because to him, and to them, it WAS a matter of life and death. It WAS that important. And it's totally ok that it was, but you know what? To me it's not.

I told him how much fun I had and how sorry I was, but I could never convert and pretend to believe in something that it wasn't, nor could I, in good faith take that away from him. We decided as strong as our connection was, dating wasn't the right thing for us and went right back to being friends.

To some people religion IS very important and that's their choice. Should he have to compromise what he believes? NO. Should she? NO. This is a really fundamental issue. It's not like he's kinda Christian, he's talking about his soul being damned if he's with her and she's not. That's someone who isn't going to give up their beliefs easily, and you know what? That's ok.

There are some things we shouldn't want to change about others, or even try. Yes, religious and non-religious people make it work all the time, but when religion is THAT important to someone, and it's NOT what you believe in at all, what do you expect? A happy-ever after?

The sad thing to me here is that you guys are talking about her SO compromising what sounds like his very core beliefs. I doubt he said:

"I don't want you to go to hell because you don't believe."

To be mean, why can't you guys see that may very well be what he meant and how he feels? And he's not the only one. And he's allowed to have that belief. It's not about tolerance of others, it's about building a life long relationship with someone with the same values, if you don't share some things and won't change, what's the point? It's OBVIOUS he feels very strongly about his beliefs. Don't fault him for that. It's what he believes.



ETA: Sweet, you NEED to have conversations about your future together. Most people don't engage in LDRs because they are with someone really casually, it's because they WANT to be with that person and have a future with them. It's only through discussions like this, raising children, getting married, handling finances that you can see if you're truly compatible.

[Zapookie]

I used to be of the hardcore christian club. For most of my teen years right up until I turned 18, I pretty much went to church every sunday, youth group every friday, bible study every second tuesday and I then became a youth leader when I was 17. It was a moulding experience for me. I guess it laid down the foundations for who I was to become.

I used to always say I could never date someone who didn't have the same beliefs as me because I didn't want someone who didn't understand me and what I believed in, and it still holds true to this day. Even now, after I've stopped going to church and denounced my faith, I still cannot be with someone who does not share my beliefs. I would probably classify myself as either agnostic or spiritual, and my SO probably the same. This works for us. We're able to understand each other on a deeper level and its wonderful.

OP, if you're going to be in a relationship with this guy, there needs to be understanding. I know the way he thinks because I used to think like that as well. It was very real for me at the time. He loves you and he doesn't want you to be hurt. But you really need to tell him how you feel. You both need to be able to have tolerance, it cant just be you tolerating his beliefs. That's going to put huge strain on you. It's just like any other issue, there needs to be compromise from the both of you.

[Sierra]

Zap, if your beliefs had never changed, would you be willing to compromise now?


It's easy for us all to say compromise, compromise, but I really do not, for the life of me, understand why.

Don't take god away from people who believe. It's mean spirited, and above and beyond what you should expect from another human. Yes, we can all say he should respect how she feels as she respects his beliefs, but in his mind she may be doomed for hell because she doesn't believe. OP, do you WANT to be with someone who believes that if you don't yourself? It's ok for him to want to be with someone who shares his beliefs, for god's sake (haha) people, we don't marry every person we meet or are involved with. I want to say compromise with the rest of you, but I think she's really demonstrated how strong he is in his beliefs. I'm sorry if that makes them essentially incompatible, but quite frankly it happens all the time.

OP, I really REALLY think that you need to talk to him more about it. If you don't want to leave him, it's ok, but you need to have a REAL conversation about your feelings AND his feelings on the subject of religion and your relationship. He needs to be willing to hear some things he probably doesn't and so do you. From the sounds of it, this is not just a casually religious person you're dealing with, and your beliefs are your own and you're just as entitled to them as he is.

The one thing I learned from being engaged was that it's extremely important to talk through these issues as soon as you can (like when you know the person you are dating you are considering as a life partner). Who's going to handle the finances? Are you going to share a bank account? Will your children go to private or public school? Do they believe in abortion? Religion in the home and in children's lives. Women's role in the home after marriage. There's a whole actual psychical list somewhere out there on the internet of questions you should ask someone you are in a serious relationship with. Ask them, write down your answers first. I know for me, there are some things I WILL NOT compromise on and that's my right. And I'm not saying interrogate him, I've found a lot of these questions are really great conversation starters where you can learn more about your partner and really get an idea of who they are.

I could never have a serious relationship with someone who didn't believe in some of my core beliefs. While yes, a relationship is a series of compromises between two people, not everything can be compromised on. You can't ask someone to compromise who they are at their core and in their heart.

OP, is he a religious man at heart? I know that some of these questions may seem very serious and like a lot of pressure, most people spend years or entire courtships figuring these things out, it sounds like he took a very important thing to him and made it into an issue, because for him it is.

I agree with everyone that you shouldn't tiptoe around his feelings about religion, but am I one of the only ones who sees that it may be what your whole relationship could turn out to be? Sure, some people outgrow religion, change their minds or follow other beliefs, but not everyone does. Some people become more resolute and strong in them.

OP, you're a young beautiful woman. Nobody wants to get hurt, nobody wants to have uncomfortable conversations, but for the sake of YOUR heart, have one about religion. You owe it to him, and you owe it to yourself. If nothing else, I really hope you take that from this thread.

Without this conversation you won't even know if it's something he is willing to compromise on.

[Zapookie]

@Sierra, If I was still going to church and still held all my christian beliefs, I wouldn't have been in a relationship with someone outside of the church anyway, because that would have gone against everything I that was told to us through teachings. I was taught as a teen that if I got into a relationship with someone who had less faith than I, or didn't believe in God at all, they would pull me down to their faith level, so we were told to not mess around with our faith like that (which makes sense, its easier to have someone who is on the same page as you). So that's one of the things I'm wondering why he would be with the OP if he was such a strong believer (but I'm not one to judge, things happen that are out of our control sometimes).

If I did so happen to get into a relationship with someone who didn't share my views, and my faith became stronger instead of diminishing, I would still try to compromise because I am a very open minded person. Granted everyone is not the same as me, but it wouldn't be very fair on my partner for me to constantly push my beliefs onto them even if I believed it was because they were granted a life in hell. I would want them to understand where I was coming from so that they could make their own decision based on the information, and just pray to God (literally, I would pray for my friends all the time), that they would finally see and understand. I realised that I could not force anyone to believe. I could only show them what I knew and what I had experienced and hoped that they might be able to somehow understand as well.

[Sierra]

Zap, I think you proved my point completely. I'll be honest, it sounds like you see yourself as being more brainwashed, than say, the person I posted about with my experience. He truly believed in god and that if you weren't saved your soul was doomed to hell. It wasn't brainwashing for him or being of an impressionable age, he went to college, studied the Bible, and chose his system of beliefs. Obviously, he didn't believe that by dating someone who wasn't of the same faith he'd be damned to hell himself, but he would have eventually expected me to convert.

I'm sure you can understand, having experienced strong convictions yourself, how it may be hard for him to compromise on this issue. While you came to embrace something differently, not everyone walks that path or should be expected too. Right? I mean, yes, don't push your beliefs on someone, but when you're romantically involved with someone and want a future with them, if these are your beliefs, aren't you worried about their soul?

The guy I dated, never, EVER pushed his religion on me, but I know what was expected over time if we had taken our relationship in a serious direction. It's something that he wouldn't have compromised on, and I wouldn't have either. I don't believe in god. He did and it's soooooooooo important to him. He wasn't wrong in wanting that, and knowing how important it was to him, asking him to compromise would have been unreasonable, I'm not wrong in not wanting to be with someone who doesn't have strong religious beliefs, and guess what? It's something I'm not willing to compromise on.

(ETA: I hope I was able to articulate myself, I took my pain medication an hour ago and it makes me go stupid)

[Bethypoo]

I think that it isnt an issue as long as you respect the other ideology and comprimise.

My SO and I had the same issue. He grew up very a very religions christian. And now that he is older, he doesnt go to church often, but his faith does play a part in his life. And like you, i dont want to say I am athiest. I just say i am still shopping. I havent found anything that has been right for me. But my SO understands that and know where my limits are and i know his.

You will have to make compromises. Like he asked traditional or nontraditional wedding. These things will come up. But you cant avoid them. You both need to talk and be open minded because religion, or the lack there of, is very personal to people. I told him that I wouldn't mind getting married by a priest or in a church but dont want 'god' to be mentioned in any way. I dont mind him taking our kids to church on special occasions but it will not be forced on them because religion in personal choice AND they will be educated and know there is more than one religion out there.

Good luck!

[Haley53]

I'm torn somewhere between the camp of "compromise is possible" and lucybelle's opinion.

For me, I feel it would depend on the strength of my partner's faith. For example, I identify as pagan/spiritual, occasionally dabbling in wicca, yet my partner identifies as more agnostic than anything. Because he identifies as agnostic, where we're coming from fundamentally is more or less the same, or at the very least similar. Where we differ is the details. I believe in reincarnation after death, and he's not sure what he believes when it comes to life after death. I believe in animal messengers and in symbolism, and as much as he likes hearing it, he doesn't necessarily subscribe to it. However, he's also extremely respectful. He listens and when he's curious, he'll ask questions or he'll tell me he's confused so that I clarify how something works. I am also respectful of him in the sense I only ever discuss my spirituality in relation to me. There have been a couple of times I have shared something with him that has related to him, but the opportunity has been there and he has been open to it; never have I forced anything on him, nor would I ever.

The both of us also feel that it's important for people to choose their own religious and/or spiritual paths. I have openly discussed how I do intend to be open about my spirituality, and I do intend to share some things with my children, such as about energies etc. and also about nature, the power of it, and so on. However, I also intend to encourage exploration. Based on the way that I believe, I see many, many similarities in religions and, at the heart of it all, I see differences only in the terminology. This is what I would hope to convey to my children, is to be able to look at religion and spirituality on a deeper and more analytic level and decide for themselves which path felt right. That being said, there would probably be more of a biased sway towards broader spirituality than a focus on any one specific religion. My SO is fine with this. However, if I were a devout Christian and wanted to raise my children to be children of the Christian God, my SO might have an issue with this, and that would present an issue within our relationship.

So for me, while I will agree that compromise is important, I will also agree with lucybelle and Sierra and say that sometimes, the religious differences are to such an extent that the relationship would not work. For example, I could not deal/be with someone who told me I was going to hell because despite believing in a higher power, I don't believe in the Lord and Jesus Christ. I understand that that is the way that some people choose to believe, and I understand that for some people, it is a matter of life and death and I can understand not wanting your partner to fall sway to the consequences of a lack of belief within your belief system, but I also think that there comes a point people start making their own choices. For example, I'm having an issue with someone I am incredibly close to having sex and not doing so safely. I have tried to outreach to them, and nothing has changed. I am not going to succeed at anything by continuing to shove it down their throat. When my mother was very ill, I urged her to see a doctor, she refused, I pushed, she eventually agreed, but she ultimately made that decision. There have been times I've suggested a doctor and she has not gone. The more I push, the more I'm going to end up pushing the other person away.

Another thing is that I feel it's extremely self-righteous to feel your path is the only path. I feel like so many people involved in religions spend so much time criticising other religions. This may be a huge stereotype, but I have been on the receiving end of a lot of "I understand you have your own system of belief, but I want to share mine with you because I care about you and I don't want to see someone like you go to Hell. Maybe if I share mine with you, it will set you on a straighter path and bring you closer to God", so perhaps I'm biased in a negative direction. Thing is, though, that whether or not you feel like your way is the only way, I would say a good number of people involved in other religions think the same about their religion, and I think that it's important to look outside yourself and your religion long enough to know what while you may think your way is the only way, it is the only way for you. Religion is so intimate and personal and I don't think it's fair for Jack to judge Jill because Jill believes something differently than Jack. I think that anyone should be open-minded enough to respect that there are other ways of believing out there. If someone did not respect my religion, regardless of how they felt (matter of life or death or not), I don't think I could ever be with that person, especially not for the long term.

---------- Post added at 08:34 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:33 PM ----------

I'm torn somewhere between the camp of "compromise is possible" and lucybelle's opinion.

For me, I feel it would depend on the strength of my partner's faith. For example, I identify as pagan/spiritual, occasionally dabbling in wicca, yet my partner identifies as more agnostic than anything. Because he identifies as agnostic, where we're coming from fundamentally is more or less the same, or at the very least similar. Where we differe is the details. I believe in reincarnation after death, and he's not sure what he believes when it comes to life after death. I believe in animal messengers and in symbolism, and as much as he likes hearing it, he doesn't necessarily subscribe to it. However, he's also extremely respectful. He listens and when he's curious, he'll ask questions or he'll tell me he's confused so that I clarify how something works. I am also respectful of him in the sense I only ever discuss my spirituality in relation to me. There have been a couple of times I have shared something with him that has related to him, but the opportunity has been there and he has been open to it; never have I forced anything on him, nor would I ever.

The both of us also feel that it's important for people to choose their own religious and/or spiritual paths. I have openly discussed how I do intend to be open about my spirituality, and I do intend to share some things with my children, such as about energies etc. and also about nature, the power of it, and so on. However, I also intend to encourage exploration. Based on the way that I believe, I see many, many similarities in religions and, at the heart of it all, I see differences only in the terminology. This is what I would hope to convey to my children, is to be able to look at religion and spirituality on a deeper and more analytic level and decide for themselves which path felt right. That being said, there would probably be more of a biased sway towards broader spirituality than a focus on any one specific religion. My SO is fine with this. However, if I were a devout Christian and wanted to raise my children to be children of the Christian God, my SO might have an issue with this, and that would present an issue within our relationship.

So for me, while I will agree that compromise is important, I will also agree with lucybelle and Sierra and say that sometimes, the religious differences are to such an extent that the relationship would not work. For example, I could not deal/be with someone who told me I was going to hell because despite believing in a higher power, I don't believe in the Lord and Jesus Christ. I understand that that is the way that some people choose to believe, and I understand that for some people, it is a matter of life and death and I can understand not wanting your partner to fall sway to the consequences of a lack of belief within your belief system, but I also think that there comes a point people start making their own choices. For example, I'm having an issue with someone I am incredibly close to having sex and not doing so safely. I have tried to outreach to them, and nothing has changed. I am not going to succeed at anything by continuing to shove it down their throat. When my mother was very ill, I urged her to see a doctor, she refused, I pushed, she eventually agreed, but she ultimately made that decision. There have been times I've suggested a doctor and she has not gone. The more I push, the more I'm going to end up pushing the other person away.

Another thing is that I feel it's extremely self-righteous to feel your path is the only path. I feel like so many people involved in religions spend so much time criticising other religions. This may be a huge stereotype, but I have been on the receiving end of a lot of "I understand you have your own system of belief, but I want to share mine with you because I care about you and I don't want to see someone like you go to Hell. Maybe if I share mine with you, it will set you on a straighter path and bring you closer to God", so perhaps I'm biased in a negative direction. Thing is, though, that whether or not you feel like your way is the only way, I would say a good number of people involved in other religions think the same about their religion, and I think that it's important to look outside yourself and your religion long enough to know what while you may think your way is the only way, it is the only way for you. Religion is so intimate and personal and I don't think it's fair for Jack to judge Jill because Jill believes something differently than Jack. I think that anyone should be open-minded enough to respect that there are other ways of believing out there. If someone did not respect my religion, regardless of how they felt (matter of life or death or not), I don't think I could ever be with that person, especially not for the long term.

[Ianthe]

Believe me, I am the Queen of Picking Your Battles, but religion is a battle that can have the potential of wearing away at your core.

I think Eclaire hit the nail on the head, saying that it depends on the strength of belief in both people. I have known a few couples who shared different beliefs and were able to make it work, but usually the Christian was not of the sort to tell people they were going to Hell, and the atheist/agnostic would humor the Christian by attending holiday services. I'd just like to bring up a few extra points:

I don't see that you mentioned his family. Where do they stand as far as faith? While family doesn't really have any "official" say regarding your relationship, if they don't approve of their son dating an Atheist/Agnostic, they can make his life, and by extension yours, miserable. Will your SO be able to stand up to them regarding you? Will your SO be willing to potentially cause his family pain for you?

What of your SO's church? I was Christian in a past life, and the pastors at the churches I went to strongly discouraged relationships with those who weren't Christian. Is your SO going to get bombarded by church members or mentors who will attempt to talk him out of a relationship with you, or push him to try and convert you? What will he do?

And yes, kids. You mentioned that you don't mind if he raises them in his faith. What will you do if/when your child says that he heard you would go to Hell? Will your SO be okay with you explaining that there are different beliefs and all are fair and equal, when their church may fervently believe theirs is the One True Faith? When your kids pray for you and worry that you're going to Hell, can your SO reassure them?

This is not, not, not something you can just agree to disagree on. You agree to disagree on favorite sports teams, or pizza toppings. But religion can truly permeate every aspect of your life. If it's bothering you now, what will happen when you live together?

I am not saying that you should break up. But there has to be a mutual respect of each other's beliefs. This is something you need to have one or many serious conversations about. While I understand his worry of you going to Hell, if it were me, I would have given him that one time to say it, and then made it VERY clear that any further comments along that same line would be very disrespectful to my beliefs. I would even say that if your relationship progresses to a point where you are making marriage plans, that you should see a (non-faith based) premarital counselor to make sure this isn't going to become a point of misery for one or both of you during your life.

I will say this - for me, strong religious disparity is a dealbreaker in a relationship. My SO is born and raised Catholic but doesn't have a particular strong need to practice, and I am an Agnostic who is fascinated by different walks of faith. J and I both love talking about faith, he's interested in the bits I've learned, and I'm interested in his sorta-Catholicism, and it really works out beautifully. It's not for everyone for sure, but perfect for me.

Good luck.