Not sure how to feel

[ushiwakafox]

Hey all!
This really isn't a terribly huge issue, I just thought I'd get some other opinions and advice.

Ok so a week or so ago I got irritated with my SO for bailing on me. I broke my shower rack in the bathroom and he said he would come over eventually that week to fix it. So I asked him again after a few days and he said "sure, after my shift". So his shift goes by, and he decides he's too tired to fix it that evening. Now, I will say one thing, I do understand when someone is tired it really sucks to not be able to go home immediately. I get that. However, the thing that frustrates me the most is that when his parents need him to do something like fixing something or helping them move the furniture around or yard work or bringing his dad something that he forgot at home, he will literally drop everything and anything he's doing that day to do that. Now normally I'd think very highly of that. Even though a few of our plans had gone victim to a few of these situations, I understood that they needed his help. But when I needed him for something, very easy might I add, he was just "too tired" to do it. He had days to do it. I don't live far away just like maybe 15 minutes down the highway. All he needed to do was stick the rod back into the holders attached to the wall ( I'm too weak to bend it, I tried ).

So anyway so we got into a bit of a fight. He just didn't seem to understand what I meant when I mentioned how he'll drop everything if his parents need something but will take days to do a little thing for me. And his parents don't exactly ask him politely. They tell him that's what he's doing. I feel it's very rude but it's not my business. Anyway so eventually he told me that he loves his family more than me, and that blood is thicker than water.

My first reaction was intense hurt. He had wrote me a year or so ago saying that I am his number one priority and what not, and when I mentioned that he said "some things change". I was very heartbroken, because it's not like we've been dating for a few months or even a year or two. We'll be celebrating our 5 year anniversary this summer. If we were still in our early relationship days I'd understand. Now about a week later, I just don't know how to feel about it. I talked to my friend today about it and she basically had the reaction I first had.

Part of me feels like I'm being silly. The other part feels like I should at least be loved on an equal level. Other than that one arguement we've been very cheery and happy. I feel in my heart that maybe he was just blowing steam and was lying about it and that he at least loves me equally. But I really don't know what to think. I'm not like hurt or upset really anymore, just kinda confused lol.

What do y'all think? What would you do in this situation? Would you be understanding or be hurt?

[Zapookie]

I'd be feeling a little hurt too. The only thing I can say is that you need to talk to him about it, but you need to tell him how everything is making you feel. Don't point out what he has and has not been doing. Just focus the conversation on the way you're feeling. I know it seems kind of like "me, me, me," but when you do it this way, he may not feel like he's being accused and threatened. He should care about your feelings and he should be doing everything in his power to NOT hurt you. If he doesn't, then I'm not really sure what else to write. He has to change.

If you end up marrying him, what's he going to say? That you still aren't family because you're not blood related? He needs to take you a little more seriously.

[Josephine Falnor]

I would feel extremely hurt. Yes, family's important, but you two are in a relationship (a long one too, at almost five years), which I think puts you at the same level as family, or, at least, it should. I think the not being able to pop over to fix the shower curtain is a little thing; the part that seems the worst is his attributing his willingness to help his parents more than you to the whole "blood is thicker than water" thing. I agree with Zapookie on the bit about how will he see the blood vs. water thing if you end up married.

I think you should try talking to him about the issue sometime when neither of you are worked up. It'll make it easier to communicate effectively if you both start out relatively calm. Also, if you think it'll be hard to word everything you want to say to him in person, could you write him a letter, or even an email? I know that sometimes, when my SO and I have difficult things to talk about, it's easier to do it in a long message, since it gives us a chance to really think about what we're saying. Either way, it's just an idea.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you the best of luck.

[Haley53]

Although what he said is hurtful, it's possible he did not mean it as it came out/that it's something he said in the heat of the moment, and even if you've been together for five years, it's possible you're missing the point. :/

You say you feel his parents' way of bringing things up comes off as rude. You then go on to say it's not your business. Although I would never insinuate I know more about his parents'/family dynamics than you, as you both have been together for so long, I will say that I would guess there's a difference between a parent demanding you do something and a girlfriend asking that you do. There's not only a general difference in the dynamic of parent versus girlfriend, but I would guess that given the way his parents are prone to asking, there's a more complex dynamic than simply "you do it for your parents, why not for me too?" and I feel like that's not being considered.

So I'm torn on this one. Yes, what he said is hurtful, and I agree with the others: talk about it. However, the root cause of the argument, I disagree with. Yes, you are his partner, but you are comparing two completely different things. Unless he and I are "weird," there is something entirely different about being asked to do something by your parents (this is truer for some parenting styles than others) than by your partner or by a friend. It would be wonderful if he could drop everything and go fix your shower for you, but he was tired. If anything you should feel flattered that he's able to tell you "no," because I'm guessing that's something he wouldn't dream of telling his parents and not simply because he loves mommy and daddy more. Like I said, there's a difference between a demand and being asked. There's a difference between parents who won't take no for an answer so he better get it done and a girlfriend who can probably be patient and understanding and wait until he feels up to fixing it.

As I said, I can agree with that his words came off as hurtful, but I really think you took this one personally without stopping to consider the different dynamics that come into play here.

[maja]

I'm a bit with Eclaire on this one. When my parents ask me to do something for them I will do it, sometimes only out of fear of disappointing them. I don't know much about his family, but the way you phrased it, it seems that they are very strict and demanding and will make him feel guilty and uncomfortable about not helping.
I think he might be very happy that he is comfortable with you and saying no to you, rather than just trying to avoid an argument, so you should be happy about it, too.
I am guessing that is also why he said those hurtful things when you brought it up, he was surprised that you would be angry and went into the defensive. I don't know how he acted, but I can imagine it being similar to how he reacts when one of his parents "accuse" him of something. I'm sure he didn't mean what he said and either way you should tak to him about it, just like Zapookie said..

[ushiwakafox]

To Zapookie and Josephine:
Thanks for taking the time to express your views. Actually that goes to everyone. Yes it was initally hurtful, but I was really torn between wondering if I should even be hurt in the first place. We haven't spoken of the incident since, and I agree we do need to discuss it further soon.

To Eclaire and maja:
Thanks also for taking the time to express your views. Both of your posts support the thought that I've had lately that maybe he just said it in the heat of the moment and he was feeling defensive about it. I did get a bit pissy and short with him. To my defense, it's not the first time this has happened. Sometimes I do expect more from him than what is fair I suppose. Like I said I live on campus, and I do feel lonesome from time to time. He visits me on occasion but it really doesn't happen unless I ask him to come over. I think it was just a stack of different issues all rolled up into one. No way am I saying what I'm feeling is rational at ALL though. It isn't fair that I expect him drop everything to help me out with something like that. I suppose it was just frustration from the other times he bailed on me last minute. He works 5 minutes away from me, and goes to school another 5 minutes away in the other direction. He passes by very often, so sometimes I feel a little low when he makes no effort to visit me a little more. So it seems like I got pissy with him because of other unrelated issues. Lol poor boy XD

Eclaire, you're right about a parent's demand and a girlfriend's "demand" being different. The family dynamics in his house hold is very Hispanic; a “family comes first” way of thinking. However, his entire family and even members I've never met before has included me as part of the family, and I even have a key to the house. So it almost makes me laugh that of course he of all people is the one who still doesn't see me as family X). Sometimes I just get aggravated when he has to drop what we planned for the day just because they need him to do something at the last minute. I'm the type of person that sticks with whatever I planned first. If my friend and I planned to hang out one day, but then my SO asked if I want to go out that day too, I would go with my friend because I made plans with her first. I suppose it's different with family though, and it's not like he's ditching me to hang out with them. Sometimes I catch myself still in the LDR mindset where no day should ever go to waste and stuff. I need to learn how to cool it and relax. It is unfair thinking on my part. I guess I am prone to selfish thinking when it comes to his parents. I think that stemmed from the LDR. I wasn't like that before I left. But you're right; I'm comparing two different things from two different categories. I suppose that makes everything else I said pretty much obsolete. Thanks for helping me clear my head.

Maja, you're also right. They are the type to put him on a guilt trip if he doesn't help them out with every little thing. He isn't one to feel guilty in really any situation, so that isn't a problem for him. The problem he would see in that is that he doesn't like wasting time, and them attempting to chew him out about something like that is a waste of time to him.
You have a really good point. I remember him saying how he loves how comfortable he is around me. I bet you're right. I don't want to be feared, I want to be loved and appreciated for being kind and understanding. I guess I have to keep that in mind.

Thanks everyone - you've all really helped me clear my head and sort out my feelings. I'm eager to talk to him about it now and I feel confident that I won't get my feelings hurt.