Is that so wrong?

[AsianRawr!]

So for the past week now my SO hasn't called me once or anything forcing me to call her and even then no answer. Last night I just broke down because of being ignored so much and ended up just starting not to care anymore. When I said that, she finally started to reply to me after texting her periodically for 5 hours with no answer. To sum it up, I just told her that I was hurting and ended up crying myself to sleep last night. She didn't say much just that she knows that she hasn't been giving me enough attention and how she doesn't deserve the necklace and bracelet she had gotten from me that same day yet nothing about wanting to keep our relationship together. I told her that I wanted this to work out but all she said was "I do want you apart of my life" nothing else more than that. Now today, it's the same thing I just stopped caring as much anymore and only texted when she texted me but in return get nothing. Still haven't talked about any of this over the phone and its been at least 3 days now. Is it so wrong for me to feel this way now? Just a strange feeling of wanting to care but can't because there seems to be no sign of care in return.

[lala]

aaaw I feel the same, just that my bf doesn't care so much. sometimes it took him 4-7 days to reply on my mail.. and when he wrote he aplogized and said that he was soo bussy.. then I told him that I'm busy too,but that I would always find 5minutes a day to write someone I care about. Still I always have the feeling that I'm more doing for this LDR. hmm and once I found out that he has a pof account and we had a big argue and I told him that I want this between us to end because his behaviour is just hurting me..then somehow I saw that I can't do this and I told him that I will see how my feelings for him will change the next months.. from then on he texted me like every day and it's much better- but I really mean why can't people see when they're doing something wrong without you telling them always?!I don't get it!

So I think it's absolutely not wrong for you to feel this way. You are obviousely doing a lot more for this LDR and she is more like playing with you and don't see this LDR serious. I would really talk to her and bring the points you mentioned here. I think you should also ask her if she have any doubts and that she should be honest with you.. I know that you might be afraid of her answer,but better to know the truth then to give all your love and not receiving that much back (just an advice)

[AsianRawr!]

I would love to talk to her but she won't pick up or call me anymore. I text her and she most likely ignores it. I'm just tired right now, really tired I've tried everything to prove that I want this to work out..

[Haley53]

It's possible she may be losing interest or having doubts about the relationship. Colour me a cynicist, but that's generally what I think of when there's an issue with contact, one person says what they want for the relationship, and the other person returns it with "well, I want you to be a part of my life..." and nothing more than that. I would honestly confront her about it. Though there may be a touch of her needing her own space and her having her own communication needs, there's also the possibility she's losing interest and is too cowardice to be up front about it with you. I have found that a lot of people typically tend to use the "well I [always] want you to be a part of my life" speech when this happens. It's a popular scapegoat. I would tell her that you feel like she's losing interest in keeping the relationship and you need her to be honest with you, because if he wants to make it work then you want to talk things out with her and find a contact compromise you're both happy with, and if she doesn't, you don't want to be strung along. Personally I'd confront her about this on the phone so that there's less likely of a chance of it becoming like a text that goes ignored.

[AsianRawr!]

I would love to talk to her on the phone but every time my calls are ignored. We haven't "spoken" per say, for about 72 hours and still counting. I frankly would like to talk to her about all of this but frankly when its being ignored what can I do?

[Haley53]

Hm, if that's the case, I might write her an e-mail? I'm not usually one to suggest delivering ultimatums, but it might be due time to tell her that this either needs to be talked out or she needs to be upfront with you about what's going through her head or else you won't be able to do it any longer. It's not fair on you. This isn't a relationship and she's reminding me of the sort who are too cowardice to break up with someone so they push and push and push until the other person does the dirty work and breaks up with them.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I agree with Eclaire. You need to talk to her about this, because it is starting to sound like she's just not interested in talking to you. If you want to talk to someone, you make time. I AM skeptical about how your SO is behaving. It's like she's keeping you on a fishing line, and when it looks like you're about to walk away, she reels you back in. I know, I've done this to people, and to be brutally honest, it was because I wasn't as dedicated to them as they were to me. Give them enough to want to keep trying, but not enough to actually be in a relationship. It wasn't fair to them, and this is the kind of behaviour it looks like she's showing you.
Look, when it comes down to it, I might be completely wrong. But I think you should definitely confront her about her behaviour. There are two of you in this relationship, and you both need to compromise so that you're both happy. If you guys BOTH want to make this work, then you both need to put in the time and effort.

[AsianRawr!]

Hm, if that's the case, I might write her an e-mail? I'm not usually one to suggest delivering ultimatums, but it might be due time to tell her that this either needs to be talked out or she needs to be upfront with you about what's going through her head or else you won't be able to do it any longer. It's not fair on you. This isn't a relationship and she's reminding me of the sort who are too cowardice to break up with someone so they push and push and push until the other person does the dirty work and breaks up with them.

Ironically, I did send her an email and low and behold she reads it but doesn't reply to it at all. I have honestly no idea on what to do now, I sent it another email last night and now I'm just waiting to see if she reads it. I can tell you all how my SO behaves though. Whenever I call and she picks up, she seems fine and everything but shortly after say about 20-30 minutes later she has to go do something like cooking, clean, go to the store or some other junk. After that she'll tell me that she will call back after she done. An hour passes nothing, I call again nothing, I text and she says "I'm busy" so I say okay then wait for another hour to pass by and I try the same thing again and she doesn't answer either my call or text in the end I'm there waiting until it's late at night around 10 or later that she would actually answer my call. I tried texting every hour and I get nothing in return. Now this week, we had an argument on Feb. 1, the day before her birthday ironically but I didn't forget that and actually sent her gifts. The argument was about us because she didn't pay attention to me much and she even ADMITTED it that she wasn't paying attention to me. After that day, she'll text me only once or twice a day and no phone calls at all. That's what has been happening since then.

[digitalfever]

I'd say stop contacting her. Her behavior is telling you to take a step back and back off. She'll come to you eventually.

[Haley53]

Well if this is only a recent change, then I'm going to agree more with digitalfever? Even if she may not have been giving you the attention that you need, it might have been better if you'd handled it by communicating that to her as opposed to obsessively attempting contact, such as what you did when she said she had to go clean. She might feel a little bit pushed away because after telling you she had to go and then texting that she was busy, being texted regularly after that can seem obsessive, clingy, and pushy, and unfortunately actions like that can push people into needing their space. Given what she's communicating and when this started and why, I'm going to say you need to come off it and give her some breathing room. She'll come to you if she's ready or she won't, but pushing her and obsessively contacting her is not going to help; in fact, it'll only end up pushing her further away from you and may end up damaging the relationship beyond repair. Give her time. Let her come to you. Then you can both sort it out.

[AsianRawr!]

Well if this is only a recent change, then I'm going to agree more with digitalfever? Even if she may not have been giving you the attention that you need, it might have been better if you'd handled it by communicating that to her as opposed to obsessively attempting contact, such as what you did when she said she had to go clean. She might feel a little bit pushed away because after telling you she had to go and then texting that she was busy, being texted regularly after that can seem obsessive, clingy, and pushy, and unfortunately actions like that can push people into needing their space. Given what she's communicating and when this started and why, I'm going to say you need to come off it and give her some breathing room. She'll come to you if she's ready or she won't, but pushing her and obsessively contacting her is not going to help; in fact, it'll only end up pushing her further away from you and may end up damaging the relationship beyond repair. Give her time. Let her come to you. Then you can both sort it out.

Yeah, I'll be giving her some room and I just found out a few hours ago on why she stopped contacting me. She's loosing interest in me sadly because of said behavior, and I guess this happened because of what I've been doing. What can I do now about making her more interested in me again? Can I do anything at all or am I going to have to wait? And let me be honest, after reading what I've sent her in the past then I would be doing the same thing. I really do deserve this bashing because of what I have said to her. I'll quote one of my own texts and please go ahead and bash me if you think I deserve it.

Guess nothing again and another day goes by where you don't want to work this out or talk about it. Just tell me already... Just tell me that you want it to end

Reading that over and over, I find myself thinking that I deserve this ignorance of her. I'm just hoping for the best now and that we'll work this out. I don't know what to take about this either from one her texts that I will quote.

Just because the way you acting.. And afraid that you might turn out like other asian guys with their gf.. and its all bad..Thats why I never like asian guys. So when I met you were diff. and I gave u a chance

And here is another one of her texts that is just screaming at me to fix it all because it all goes back to me.

Well one of those bf who yell and scream.. and might be controling that what I was afraid. Cause the way you text me and everything and cuzzing

What can I do to stop myself from all of this? I'm not afraid to admit my problems which are that I have anger issues when not getting replies, getting depressed easily, and how to stop being so....clingy. I want this to work out since we've been together for 2 years and I know that I'm young being only 16 turning 17 this year, but eventually in my mind I'm seeing marriage as an end point. If anyone can help me with this then I would grateful as I can't really talk to my mother about this or a counselor because its just hard to express myself when I'm not writing it.

[Haley53]

One thing you could consider, if you wanted to see a counsellor or talk with your mother, would be writing things down or even printing out what you've written here. I have shared letters with my therapist in the past and oftentimes it's been a great way of opening things up for discussion, and sometimes being honest and saying "hey, it's hard to express myself if I can't write it down" can help too, because usually counsellors are trained to lead a more structured, focused discussion that helps frame questions in ways you can answer that get your point across in the way that you need.

As for now, however, I would honestly think about taking a breath. You're aware that you have the tendency to get angry and depressed if she does not respond immediately. You're aware that your text messages, especially if you send them obsessively, are pushing her away. You're aware of what about your behaviour needs to be changed, so now you need to work on impulse control. There may be a point where you actually have to go to extreme measures. For example, let's use the fact she had to go clean. If you texted her an hour later to see what she was up to, okay, but when she said she was busy, that's when you should have put your phone down and done something else. If you feel a distraction would be helpful, consider playing online games, turning on the TV and watching something, or even doing homework. If you feel that that wouldn't be enough, set your phone volume to loud and then put it away in a drawer. That way, you'll still hear the phone when she calls but you won't have it in your hand and be tempted to text her. And to start, as a general rule of thumb, perhaps take 5-10 minutes to respond to text messages or to think about sending a text message. For example, when you got to thinking about sending her a second text message, it might have been a good idea to take some time to breathe, and sit down, take a piece of paper, and write out what the message would accomplish. From your examples/quotes, it seems it more or less ends up pissing her off, so perhaps when you feel the need/compulsion to send a text, you could set your phone down, go somewhere else, and make a list of why you should not send the text and then work on using self-control on not sending it. :/ It's really a matter of having self-control and not giving into your urges regardless of how strong they are, and if you need an incentive, then I would use the fact that she likely won't have any trouble dumping you if this continues.

As for what to do currently, leave her be. She's already expressed that she's irritating with you coming off as controlling and suffocating. By trying to win her affections you're going to seem even more clingy. Work on being independent of her, give her space and time, and hopefully she'll come back to you.

[AsianRawr!]

One thing you could consider, if you wanted to see a counsellor or talk with your mother, would be writing things down or even printing out what you've written here. I have shared letters with my therapist in the past and oftentimes it's been a great way of opening things up for discussion, and sometimes being honest and saying "hey, it's hard to express myself if I can't write it down" can help too, because usually counsellors are trained to lead a more structured, focused discussion that helps frame questions in ways you can answer that get your point across in the way that you need.

As for now, however, I would honestly think about taking a breath. You're aware that you have the tendency to get angry and depressed if she does not respond immediately. You're aware that your text messages, especially if you send them obsessively, are pushing her away. You're aware of what about your behaviour needs to be changed, so now you need to work on impulse control. There may be a point where you actually have to go to extreme measures. For example, let's use the fact she had to go clean. If you texted her an hour later to see what she was up to, okay, but when she said she was busy, that's when you should have put your phone down and done something else. If you feel a distraction would be helpful, consider playing online games, turning on the TV and watching something, or even doing homework. If you feel that that wouldn't be enough, set your phone volume to loud and then put it away in a drawer. That way, you'll still hear the phone when she calls but you won't have it in your hand and be tempted to text her. And to start, as a general rule of thumb, perhaps take 5-10 minutes to respond to text messages or to think about sending a text message. For example, when you got to thinking about sending her a second text message, it might have been a good idea to take some time to breathe, and sit down, take a piece of paper, and write out what the message would accomplish. From your examples/quotes, it seems it more or less ends up pissing her off, so perhaps when you feel the need/compulsion to send a text, you could set your phone down, go somewhere else, and make a list of why you should not send the text and then work on using self-control on not sending it. :/ It's really a matter of having self-control and not giving into your urges regardless of how strong they are, and if you need an incentive, then I would use the fact that she likely won't have any trouble dumping you if this continues.

As for what to do currently, leave her be. She's already expressed that she's irritating with you coming off as controlling and suffocating. By trying to win her affections you're going to seem even more clingy. Work on being independent of her, give her space and time, and hopefully she'll come back to you.

So how do I know if I lost her then? I guess beginning tomorrow I won't bug her but is it okay to send out occasional texts like I love you and such or should I just stop completely? She says that she wants us to work but I don't even get a call anymore? What am I suppose to do? I'm just really confused right now....

---------- Post added at 12:28 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:27 AM ----------

One thing you could consider, if you wanted to see a counsellor or talk with your mother, would be writing things down or even printing out what you've written here. I have shared letters with my therapist in the past and oftentimes it's been a great way of opening things up for discussion, and sometimes being honest and saying "hey, it's hard to express myself if I can't write it down" can help too, because usually counsellors are trained to lead a more structured, focused discussion that helps frame questions in ways you can answer that get your point across in the way that you need.

As for now, however, I would honestly think about taking a breath. You're aware that you have the tendency to get angry and depressed if she does not respond immediately. You're aware that your text messages, especially if you send them obsessively, are pushing her away. You're aware of what about your behaviour needs to be changed, so now you need to work on impulse control. There may be a point where you actually have to go to extreme measures. For example, let's use the fact she had to go clean. If you texted her an hour later to see what she was up to, okay, but when she said she was busy, that's when you should have put your phone down and done something else. If you feel a distraction would be helpful, consider playing online games, turning on the TV and watching something, or even doing homework. If you feel that that wouldn't be enough, set your phone volume to loud and then put it away in a drawer. That way, you'll still hear the phone when she calls but you won't have it in your hand and be tempted to text her. And to start, as a general rule of thumb, perhaps take 5-10 minutes to respond to text messages or to think about sending a text message. For example, when you got to thinking about sending her a second text message, it might have been a good idea to take some time to breathe, and sit down, take a piece of paper, and write out what the message would accomplish. From your examples/quotes, it seems it more or less ends up pissing her off, so perhaps when you feel the need/compulsion to send a text, you could set your phone down, go somewhere else, and make a list of why you should not send the text and then work on using self-control on not sending it. :/ It's really a matter of having self-control and not giving into your urges regardless of how strong they are, and if you need an incentive, then I would use the fact that she likely won't have any trouble dumping you if this continues.

As for what to do currently, leave her be. She's already expressed that she's irritating with you coming off as controlling and suffocating. By trying to win her affections you're going to seem even more clingy. Work on being independent of her, give her space and time, and hopefully she'll come back to you.

So how do I know if I lost her then? I guess beginning tomorrow I won't bug her but is it okay to send out occasional texts like I love you and such or should I just stop completely? She says that she wants us to work but I don't even get a call anymore? What am I suppose to do? I'm just really confused right now....

[Haley53]

I would honestly consider sending her ONE more e-mail. Tell her that you're starting to realise more and more of what she's said, and you're seeing her point. Tell her that you don't want to be controlling or come off as clingy and suffocating because you love her and care about her and you want to make the relationship work. Tell her that you know she needs her space, and you want to honour that and give it to her, and so you're writing an e-mail to let her know that she can have what space she needs and you will be waiting for her when she's ready. Let her know that you will let her be the one to come to you. Keep it short, sweet, and simple, and send it off. That way, she's aware of the arrangement, that she's to be the one to come to you when you're ready, and you can find a way to deal with it. Honestly at this point, I think ignoring her other than to send off little reminder texts would be detrimental and probably come off as pushy. I think it's best to write her an e-mail saying you understand her point, you're going to work on not being so clingy, and you're going to start that off by giving her her space and letting her come to you.

[AsianRawr!]

Well, I just sent that one last email to her and I hope she reads it. I really appreciate all the help that you've been giving me Eclair since this isn't the first time you've helped me. I really do love her and care for her but I guess that I let that go overboard and caused a huge ruckus. I know what I can do now to vent or let out all of that frustration and depressed feelings. I've decided that I'll be writing about everything I've been feeling everyday as I just started writing and its making all of these feelings slowly go away. I thank you again for the help and I'm glad to know that even complete strangers can help when it comes to problems.