The Religion Problem

[reeseismypiece]

So I remember a while back a member here posted about religious differences with her and her SO. This led me to a curiosity in my own relationship with my SO. So I basically confronted him on my religious beliefs and how I want my children to be raised.

I don't want my children affiliated with any religion until their old enough to find a belief system that works for them. I don't want them to follow into a religion because "mommy or daddy believes it so they should too!" I also don't want them to be critical of me or any of their peers because we don't believe. I mean...I don't want my child coming up to me and asking me if I'm going to go to hell. I refuse to hear it after hearing it from others, and hearing it from my own child would hurt.

Now I told my SO my stance and he said he wants his children to love Jesus and God, and that he strongly believes that his purpose as a father is to lead his family to heaven and to Jesus. And he got a little emotional because he found it amazingly difficult to tell me "your wrong" but he looked me in the eyes and said, "i know you believe that whats true for some isn't true for all....and I hesitate to say this...but...when it comes to this YOU ARE WRONG." So, yeah this bothered me but I just accepted it reluctantly. I don't exactly know what he intends to do about me, he wants to lead his family to that but he knows I'm not going to budge...so I think he gets internally conflicted.

I'm also conflicted because...what am I supposed to do? Let our future children go to church even though I strongly disapprove??? He won't budge on his faith and that leads me to be the one to give up something I strongly morally believe. I won't let religion come between us because that's why the last love of my life left, and I refuse to let this one go because I can't accept God and Jesus. I just hate to think that in the future...my children are all gone to church with him, I'm left home alone, and at dinner they all pray while I want to eat...but I guess I'll just have to join in that stuff as well. I suppose church wouldn't be so bad for them...but at the same time I'm going to tell my children that God isn't the only option in life. Why does religion always have to be such a controversial thing....*sigh* I'm ultimately the one who is going to have to compromise in the end...

[carolynred]

Religion is never an easy topic when its so different between two people. Now I grew up in a Christian household but my father is Baptist and mother is Catholic. My brother and I grew up learning the Catholic faith, but funny enough we aren't really staying that way. My brother has changed to being Baptist and I'm slowly considering the option myself. I'm saying IF it ends up that you take your SO's way, that doesn't mean they can't decide to change when they get older. They could start off in either scenario and change their minds.

I don't know how close the possibility of having children is with you and your SO, but if its not that far away, I wouldn't stress on it too much at this point. But like I said, I can't tell at this point. Nobody is right or wrong when it comes to this decision. There's no such thing as a right or wrong belief, so if you and your SO are going to talk about this some more I would try and stay away from wording it that way. Its is all about preference. Make sure you both listen to each other, this is a big communication situation. Remember, children do not always stay the way they are raised, whether we want them to or not.

No matter which way you and your SO decide to take, the love between the two of you will be the strongest influence on the children.

[dukes2011]

It is frustrating that religion has to be so controversial. I have had my fair share of conflict and my boyfriend and I are both Christian but I am Catholic and he is not. Our families don't understand how we can work if we have different religious beliefs, but I have seen it work out. My brother did not marry Catholic and I have a Catholic uncle who married someone Jewish. Compromise is difficult sometimes, but it seems like you are willing to do so for your boyfriend.

[Michia]

My SO and I are listening to a series of sermons about Christian marriage - as we are in a LDR and cannot attend long term marriage counseling with his pastor. If you want further understanding on Christian men and why they feel the need to lead, listen to the third sermon in this series. (https://marshill.com/media/real-marr...n-and-marriage) It really may shed some light on the situation and at least let you know where he is coming from.

[marbear31]

My SO and I are the same way, except the roles are reversed--I'm the Catholic, and he's the searching/not super spiritual/etc. Granted, he's willing to raise our kids Catholic, but I've found thus far (and it's not like we've gone crazy talking about it or anything), it's all about communication and respect. Just take it day by day, and have faith that your love will get you through. I don't mean for that to sound like some overly hippieish response or anything (:P), but I really believe that if you're both willing to give and take equally, you can work it out together. You can do it.

[snow_girl]

Perhaps there is a compromise., he can teach them about christianity (which I am assuming he is, some denomination or another) but they also learn about other religions as well (Judaism, buddism, hinduism) and teach them that it is okay also not to believe. Don't leave them closed minded to one thing. Show them that there is so many ways to believe and none are the right or wrong way. When they get old enough then they have the knowledge to choose which one works best for them self.

[AJD+JLH]

My opinion is a little different. I think there are some differences that are really, really hard to deal with. I was in your situation reeseismypiece, with my ex. I ultimately find it, upon reflection, to be one thing that really caused a rift in our relationship. When I was with my ex, I ended up deciding that if I stayed with him, I would simply never have children, because we disagreed too much on how we would raise them.

Religion is really, really tough. If one of you is willing to compromise or give a little, it's possible (like marbear said in her reply). But in my former situation, neither of us was really willing to change our feelings on what we believed as far as religion and how to life life together/how to raise a family. Even a wedding - I just decided I'd ultimately go to the courthouse if I had stayed with my ex, because if one person in a relationship wants to get married in a church/religious ceremony, and one is not religious, it is just kind of awkward and hard to figure out. Also, religious disagreement can cause problems with family...my family really disapproved of his beliefs. So, I never felt super comfortable with things. Ultimately, I am glad it all worked out like I did because some of those things steered me away from him, and I'm glad because he was not the right match for me. My boyfriend of one year and I now have the same beliefs, and agree on almost all points. Makes things soooo easy! Makes me less anxious and overall happier, more sure of him. Everything just flows better with him. Not that it was just religion my ex and I disagreed on, because there were many other things to. Point is, Jare is a better match and I am glad we hold the same beliefs.

Again, I'm sure y'all can do it. I'm not trying to be a downer! Just my personal first hand experience here. Hang in there, if you guys are willing to give a little and compromise, you'll be fine.

[Haley53]

I am Pagan/more spiritual in faith, and I believe strongly in the paranormal, metaphysical, etc. My SO is more agnostic than anything, though has an issue with most of organised religion, and he does not share every belief of mine (such as reincarnation); he also does not like to form opinions on some other things, such as telepathy, psychokenesis, etc., because he does not know enough about them to form an opinion. He is, however, very open-minded, and I try to be as well. I believe that it's extremely important to find your own path when it comes to religion, and we have both agreed that this is something we want to encourage in our children.

I much agree with/like what snow_girl said, but I'm not sure how happy he's going to be with a religious education if he feels strongly enough about his religion to say directly that you are wrong. This is an issue that is, unfortunately, quite fundamental. :/ And if he's not willing to compromise, then that leaves you making sacrifices that might be difficult for you to make. This is why religion is often a dealbreaker in some relationships where two people believe differently, because both have to be open-minded enough to come to a compromise where both people are happy, simply because I can't see where anyone would be happy having to sacrifice something completely for their partner when it's as important as religion/religious beliefs.

[AJD+JLH]

This is why religion is often a dealbreaker in some relationships where two people believe differently, because both have to be open-minded enough to come to a compromise where both people are happy, simply because I can't see where anyone would be happy having to sacrifice something completely for their partner when it's as important as religion/religious beliefs.

very, very well said, IMO! I was trying to get that idea across, but you said it much more clearly

[Alayna]

Dont you dare pick religion just because your SO does.
Not trying to be mean but this post kind of pissed me off.. You dont pick a religion because you HAVE to, to keep the love of your life. You pick it because you strongly believe that there is a God and because you want to be saved.
Having no religion is almost the same as have two different religions. and if your So leaves you just because you dont want to believe well then shame on him!!

You both have the right to agree and you have the right to disagree.

But please ohhh please oh please dont believe just because of your SO.

If you honest to God want to find a religion do some research and maybe you will find youself in God.

I'm sorry if I took this post the wrong way but...I had to say something

my apologies.

[reeseismypiece]

Yeah I actually just recently noticed that one of my friends was born and raised Christian, yet now he is almost full agnostic. So it isn't impossible for my children to grow up and follow something different. I don't know if that'll happen for them, but as long as they are happy...I guess I really shouldn't mind. I've just always wanted my kids agnostic while they were young, I don't think religion should be a concern when they are children. I think all that children need to think about is how to tie their shoes, play a game, make friends, etc etc. But I guess I shouldn't fully disregard the Christian religion, especially if it teaches good morals. But at the same time I know I want to teach them to understand all religions, respect people for who they are and what they believe, and just because the bible says something doesn't mean its entirely accurate. Now I'm not a Christian, so I apologize if this is wrong...but doesn't it say that being gay is wrong? That's one thing I cannot have my children thinking. Again, i don't know if that's accurate, but I just have to say that is one reason I'm so dominant on them being agnostic. I want them to love all people, no matter where they came from, who they are, or what they do.

Anyway...I figure since my boyfriend is so good...maybe I can compromise if our children will be as good of a person as he is. If Christianity played a role in his loyal, kind, and good behavior then I guess I can be tolerant and respect that. And in comparison to my last boyfriend, my family considers my current boyfriend's religion "normal". haha. So I love him, and I'm willing to sit down and compromise...but if he gets religion then I'm for sure getting to name the kids haha (since i have some odd names for my babies. ;P)

[reeseismypiece]

Dont you dare pick religion just because your SO does.
Not trying to be mean but this post kind of pissed me off.. You dont pick a religion because you HAVE to, to keep the love of your life. You pick it because you strongly believe that there is a God and because you want to be saved.
Having no religion is almost the same as have two different religions. and if your So leaves you just because you dont want to believe well then shame on him!!

You both have the right to agree and you have the right to disagree.

But please ohhh please oh please dont believe just because of your SO.

If you honest to God want to find a religion do some research and maybe you will find youself in God.

I'm sorry if I took this post the wrong way but...I had to say something

my apologies.

Oh no no no, don't worry. I DONT have to follow his religion, he respects my choice...its the CHILDREN he wants to raise Christian. As for me, he has tried to convert me but I basically put my foot down and said, "If you truly love me you'll respect that I don't believe...or that I'm really unsure what to believe and don't need that in my life" He fully understood because he is luckily a more open minded individual. Yes he's scared I'm not going to heaven...but he told me that God couldn't send someone like me anywhere else, so he honestly believes I'm too good not to "get in heaven" :P I will go to church if he asks me to....or pray at the dinner table if my family truly wants me to, but on the believing side of things...no I probably wont (part of why i feel akward about praying at dinner with his family...its almost kind of rude of me to join in if my hearts not even in the right place).

But anyway yeah im not getting forced into anything, he respects my choice, and he loves me despite some of the people in his life asking "why would you date her, she's not Christian".

[Oregongirl]

Oh no no no, don't worry. I DONT have to follow his religion, he respects my choice...its the CHILDREN he wants to raise Christian. As for me, he has tried to convert me but I basically put my foot down and said, "If you truly love me you'll respect that I don't believe...or that I'm really unsure what to believe and don't need that in my life" He fully understood because he is luckily a more open minded individual. Yes he's scared I'm not going to heaven...but he told me that God couldn't send someone like me anywhere else, so he honestly believes I'm too good not to "get in heaven" :P I will go to church if he asks me to....or pray at the dinner table if my family truly wants me to, but on the believing side of things...no I probably wont (part of why i feel akward about praying at dinner with his family...its almost kind of rude of me to join in if my hearts not even in the right place).

But anyway yeah im not getting forced into anything, he respects my choice, and he loves me despite some of the people in his life asking "why would you date her, she's not Christian".

If he wants to raise future children Christian and you don't want to then that is a HUGE problem. These kind of things have to be fully talked and figured out before you ever consider marriage.

[Alayna]

OK

[AJD+JLH]

If he wants to raise future children Christian and you don't want to then that is a HUGE problem. These kind of things have to be fully talked and figured out before you ever consider marriage.

Agreed. 100% agreed. Marriage too, will he be OK with you not having Christian type vows at your wedding? I don't know...these are all just the things I used to have to try and figure out, and I just realized that for *me* I didn't want to have a different religion than the my SO. I know that you know what is best, though. Trust your gut feeling and your judgement and just stay true to yourself. Always be true to what you believe. Cause in the end, as sad as it sounds, you're all you have. <3