Need to vent.

[Engel]

A friend of mine in brazil, when i went to her birthday at the end of september (she lives in the same city i lived in brazil and we know each other for years), was telling me she has a boyfriend in europe (wont say wich country). and how she was going to visit him at the end of the year, for the first time in person, after being in a relationship for one year online, and that they would get engaged.

I was happy she would meet him, but her views on how a LDR work, and relationships overall were oh so wrong. She was years with a guy, and they broke up some months before she started to date this bloke online. and when i was trying to reason with her, she said she was years with that guy, lets call him K, and he never wanted to marry her, and now her new boyfriend J wanted.
I said that she shouldnt say yes just because he is the first guy that wants to marry her, even before seeing in person at the time. But she went on and on about how relationships arent cake recipes, and you cant know what will work. true.

I just wanted to help her a little, as ive seen the same situation she is in right now end up badly. so, off she went, spent two months (or less) with him, and had thousands of pictures on an album on facebook, one of them is a picture of her and the brother of her boyfriend, saying underneath:

her: my beautiful bro-in-law. Don't look at him, you girls from Brazil! I'm jealous. :P

me: He wonīt be your brother in law ītil you get married. But cute picture.

her: I consider myself a married person
already. And he is my bro-in-law. im sorry if you dont have a cool bro-in-law like mine, i'm lucky

me: married already?... alrighty... lol

her: yes, spiritually married ;p, if you know what i mean =D

me: I think I do. ))

her boyfriend (spiritual husband, whatever): I don't see anything wrong calling him a bro-in-law even if we are not married yet. :P No need to get all condescending either.

me: Look, lets not make this a big deal, when it isnt. I made the brother in law coment because in portuguese they use the same word, cunhado, for when you are just dating or married, no difference. I honestly didnt know if C. (her) knew brother in law is only used for married people. She was condescending with me first of all, "im sorry if you dont have a cool bro-in-law like mine, i'm lucky " so I just laughed it away, as I really dont want to have a fight with someone I know for ages for something trivial. If she considers herself married to you, so be it. But I think Cris and I are grown up enough to solve a simple misunderstanding on our own. Sorry if I caused any kind of drama or offended you two in some way. wasnt my intention.




__________


Thing is i really didnt have any evil thought behind the first comment on the picture, i really thought she had translated it wrong, because her english was never the best, really. and all this small drama followed it. thing is, i dont let myself be put to a corner, so when she tried to put me down, i just laughed at it. because really, it is laughable. i know many people here considered themselves together before seeing in person, but to go and want to get engaged so fast (he didnt ask to marry her when she was there, so they arent engaged by the way, but she talks like they are already married) is way over board. i tried to talk with her as a friend about it, how it is to live in europe as a foreigner, what were their plans to close the distance and so on, but she doesnt seem to want to listen to anything practical that can burst her fairytale bubble. It makes me worry about her, because I know this girl for years, and she is trying to search on this new guy and get from him all she didnt get from her ex, like a proposal.




I just wanted opinions if I was too rude on my comments on the picture or not. I will avoid to make any future comments on any of her pictures or even talk about their relationship when talking to her, wich may result in almost no contact at all. but for me to be a friend is to be honest, and she doesnt want honesty, she wants someone saying its all awesome and amazing, like most of our brazilian friends that never came to europe (and many of them are not poor, but almost that really) oohing and aahing over her pictures in a city where it snows!


I dont know, just needed to take this off my chest, as I hate when there is conflict with a friend of mine, specially such a silly one, that becomes a snowball, growing and growing

[Haley53]

On my phone so can't write a whole lot but to keep it short and sweet I likely would have refrained from making the comment. Even if your intentions were well meaning, it did come off as a little bit condescending and rude (one of those niggly comments people sometimes put on FB). That is, unfortunately, the issue with text; you can't hear tone. :/ I would also likely refrain from bombarding her about her relationship. You're asking practical questions that she would ultimately need to consider but you said herself, she's in a fairytale bubble; she won't listen to reason and giving her such unwarranted advice about the practical also probably comes off as somewhat condescending.

[ChibiFelicia]

If it were me i wouldve sent those messages in private rather than a comment on a picture. You obviously care about her thats why you're getting worked up. Seeing as you put those in a comment...i would consider that not necessarily rude just uncalled for. Then again im not one for liking Facebook, i dont particually like seeing everyones dirty laundary, some things should be kept private and off facebook.

Thing is the way i see it, she's going to do what she wants to do. And if you were to push the subject she'd just back away. I've seen relationships like that (not necessarily online relationships) and have felt like what you are feeling now. All i could do was listen, dont make judgements and if and when they ask me for my opinion i let loose and was honest. Yea ok they'd bitch at me but if you value them as a friend and they value you, they'll know that you're just trying to look out for them. If things dont work out, be there to support them and if they do. Be happy for them.

[Dziubka]

In my opinion the comment itself isn't very rude or condescending, but in combination with you criticizing her relationship (no matter how justified!) before that, I can understand how she could take it the wrong way.
I have no doubt your intentions were good, but I can also understadn her taking it as an 'attack'.
Imagine the following:
Normally someone saying "That's a really lovely sweater, is it new? Where did you get it?" wouldn't be considered offensive at all, but if it came from a person who in the past has made a lot of criticizing comments on you buying too many clothes or spending too mch money on them, it would be a completely different story.

That said, her reaction is anything but mature. She could have just said "I know, but we're so close, I feel 'my boyfriend's brother' is not an appropriate title for him" or "Technically yes, but I'm already practising for the future"... or whatever. But if people always reacted in a reasonable, calm, de-escalating way the world would be a boring place.
Plus why would she get jealous over people looking her brother in law?! That's a very weird statement to make.

Also on a related note: I'm envious of my boyfriend having a cool potential brother in law I know I already have a cool brother and that's probably even better, but I wish he had cool siblings as well.

[Engel]

Thank you for your opinions, I will send her an apolagy tonight about it. I really didnt mean bad, but i understand what you are saying, and now i think i did it wrong, even though my intentions were good
Im nervous now, when i went outside a while ago, i saw the old lady that lives on the flat above me fell on her knees on the balcony and couldnt stand, our landlord didnt have keys for her flat, so another neighboor and i got some stairs and climbled from outside to the balcony, put her inside, and waited with her for the doctor. looks like she broke her leg, but im hoping it isnt as bad

I know, not related to my original post, but it got to me, everytime i can i help old people, because i would like to think that is it was my grandma someone would help her as well

[CynicalQuixotic]

Honestly, I would just let the matter drop for now. There's no point in trying to reason with people who just want you to validate their decisions. I would just not say anything positive or negative about her whole situation and if she mentions it to you in person, just be very impartial. "Oh, that's so great, I hope things work out for you two!" blah blah blah.

That being said, I'm totally with you. "Spiritually married," really? The only person you can be spiritually married to is Jesus, and I doubt this girl is considering life as a nun

[digitalfever]

I'm not very old but in situations like these it's often best to let the stones fall where they were thrown or let the cookie crumble. Honestly, no good can come from this and she will most likely be disappointed in the end but all you can do right now is let the cycle take it's course and allow her to fall.

[Engel]

Honestly, I would just let the matter drop for now. There's no point in trying to reason with people who just want you to validate their decisions. I would just not say anything positive or negative about her whole situation and if she mentions it to you in person, just be very impartial. "Oh, that's so great, I hope things work out for you two!" blah blah blah.

That being said, I'm totally with you. "Spiritually married," really? The only person you can be spiritually married to is Jesus, and I doubt this girl is considering life as a nun

I sent her an apology, so there will be nothing in the way of our friendship and us talking about other things, and will do as you said, wont say anything good or bad about her relationship anymore, so we can talk about other things instead. I dont buy the spiritually married thing either, but if she and him agree on that, why not? it just isnt something i would ever have said or considered myself as.

anyway, i apolagized to her, and will keep myself aways from seeing her page, does anyone know how we can block someones new posts without deleting them from facebook? so i wouldnt be seeing the new posts from her but would still have her on facebook

[Haley53]

That being said, I'm totally with you. "Spiritually married," really? The only person you can be spiritually married to is Jesus, and I doubt this girl is considering life as a nun

I'd like to point out that it goes a bit deeper than that and some people really do believe that two people can be married in spirit to one another, or spiritually married. To say you can only be spiritually married to Jesus is looking at it from only one viewpoint, and a religious viewpoint at that. It's not fair to condescend or criticise someone for believing the way that they do, however outlandish it might seem to you. There are people who think getting married for purely practical or purely love reasons are wrong, but it works out for some people. Implying that it is ridiculous and following it up with such a narrow comment is, in my opinion, quite rude. I don't think anyone is any position to pass judgment on someone's belief surrounding marriage because it differs from their own.

To Engel, I don't think you should apologise. I think you should probably drop it, or if you feel compelled to bring it up, tell her you didn't mean it the way it might have come out and explain your intentions. Your intentions were in the right place. It was a misunderstanding, not a wrong doing.

---------- Post added at 09:45 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:44 AM ----------

Posted before I saw your last one, so disregard what I said. >< Hard being on my phone!

[Dziubka]

Engel, unsubscribe is what you're looking for. It's on the upper right corner when you go on someone's profile.

I know this is only somewhat related, but I think it's weird that for so many people it's committment = marriage.
You can be just as committed without being married and you can be married without being that committed. Instead of spiritually married why not say "very committed" or "in it for better or worse" or whatever. It makes it sound a lot less silly...

[Engel]

Engel, unsubscribe is what you're looking for. It's on the upper right corner when you go on someone's profile.

I know this is only somewhat related, but I think it's weird that for so many people it's committment = marriage.
You can be just as committed without being married and you can be married without being that committed. Instead of spiritually married why not say "very committed" or "in it for better or worse" or whatever. It makes it sound a lot less silly...

I agree. I was always totally commited to my SO, since the very begin. I wanted to be with him, and put my whole heart into it. we werent married, but i was totall in love and totally commited to him. I just see a tendency of people that go and call themselves married, or put married status on facebook or somewhere or call each other husband and wives really early into the relationship, most of the time i see those relationships ending. i think i only saw one that progressed to at least living together

everything has its own time, and when my SO and I were just living together, I said that, we live together, before that, i said he was my boyfriend, because thats what he was at the time, and it didnt make our relationship or connection any less special because of that.


edit: she also accepted my apolagies and said everything is ok. i feel a lot better now. i hate conficts with people i care about

[Dziubka]

Since it's your thread I guess I can use it to ramble.

That was exactly what I meant.
I'm not sure I'll ever call my boyfriend my husband, not in German anyway. Saying "my man" doesn't really sound nice to me, there's a 100 words I'd rather call him, the German word for boyfriend (=Freund) being only one of them.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I'd like to point out that it goes a bit deeper than that and some people really do believe that two people can be married in spirit to one another, or spiritually married. To say you can only be spiritually married to Jesus is looking at it from only one viewpoint, and a religious viewpoint at that. It's not fair to condescend or criticise someone for believing the way that they do, however outlandish it might seem to you. There are people who think getting married for purely practical or purely love reasons are wrong, but it works out for some people. Implying that it is ridiculous and following it up with such a narrow comment is, in my opinion, quite rude. I don't think anyone is any position to pass judgment on someone's belief surrounding marriage because it differs from their own.

To Engel, I don't think you should apologise. I think you should probably drop it, or if you feel compelled to bring it up, tell her you didn't mean it the way it might have come out and explain your intentions. Your intentions were in the right place. It was a misunderstanding, not a wrong doing. [COLOR="Silver"]

To be fair, I'm more dubious of the fact that Engel's friend is 'spiritually married' to someone that she's never actually spent physical time with. Now, I'm in no way implying that you can't love someone who you met online and haven't yet gotten a chance to meet in person, I'm just saying that I feel this girl implying that level of commitment at this point in her relationship is kind of silly. I only made that comment because the actual phrase 'spiritual marriage' is used a lot with nuns in terms of their relationship to Jesus, and it reminded me of the reading I've done on female mystics. I also personally think it's a sort of twee expression, but that's only my opinion and I don't expect everyone to espouse it. I never meant any offense, and I'm sorry if I caused any.

ETA: I also agree completely with Dziubka re: commitment and marriage.

[Sora1101]

I don't see what the big deal was, I think that is a perfectly justifiable comment, that's what the smiley face is used for to show that there's no ill will behind said comment, or at least that's how I see it.