He takes it out on me?!

[Kiyama]

Hey guys,

Recently I felt like my SO takes his bad mood out on me. We were talking one night when he was at work and he was super stressed and frustrated with stuff and I was worried so called him in the morning to see if he was ok and he basically yelled at me for bringing it up again, saying thanks that I make him feel bad and relive it. I kind of swallowed it because I felt like everybody can have a bad day.
But his morning it happened again. So the situation is that he had a bill to pay, what he has been putting off for two months now because his pay pal still runs on an old bank account that was closed around that time. For me this is a huge deal because I was raised that way to never ever (under no circumstances) to have debts with people and always sort things out immediately. The thing is that I didn't even get to say anything because after one sentence he got really aggressive, saying he doesn't need a lecure and he wouldn't tell me anything anymore if I always (!) gave him a hard time about things. Everytime I started opening my mouth I got interrupted and he was super defensive. I know it propbably was a sore spot I hit and he was annoyed with himself but I don't like how he takes it out on me and I cannot watch every word I say and I feel like I have the right to say something that basically concerns me. We talked later on and he apologised but we didn't have much time because I was on my way to work and I don't want to drop this without talking it through but I don't know how he'll react in his current unstable mood so what do you think? I'm going to visit him next Saturday and I am considering to wait but I'd also like to get it out of the way.
Does that happen to you and how do you react when your SOs take things out on you?

[digitalfever]

He needs to learn how to deal with frustration and anger in a better way. Rather than taking out on you he needs to learn how to communicate effectively and have strategies that stop him from lashing out. I know we all have bad days and everyone is entitled to a “mood” now and then but to be really aggressive and defensive is really not necessary and puts a damper on the relationship. Rather than give your opinion or calling because you’re worried give him space and allow him to come to you. This way he’ll have his thoughts in order and if he wants to talk about it he’ll bring it up. But for the long term couples need to be able to discuss the good days, the positive stuff and achievements just as much as the bad days, the less than spectacular stuff and arguments. I’d say when he’s cooled down and you feel comfortable to bring up the behavior (not the issues and his hard times) and just ask him how he’d like you to react when he’s having a bad day etc..

[Haley53]

My question is is there something bigger going on that he's not accustomed to facing? When my partner's mother passed away, sure, it would have been wonderful if he followed the textbook definition of relationships and handled his anger well and managed his frustrations, but the situation was simply bigger than he could handle. He was like walking a minefield for a while and there were times I doubted our relationship or felt hopeless and that this was the way he was ultimately going to be. Ultimately I had to make corrections in my behaviour to manage his, but since things have somewhat settled and since his anger phase has passed completely, things between us have been a lot better and the same as they always have been, which is why I ask if this is something your SO is recently doing as a product of his environment or if it's the way he handles things in general.

My best advice that I can give you, based on experience, would be to put your foot down. If he starts getting aggressive, say "You know that I love you, but I don't feel like I deserve this aggression and I think we could both benefit from some time to cool off." Then leave. Hang up the phone. Get offline (and block). Do whatever you need to do to remove yourself from the situation and not get sucked back into it. The problem is that you are providing him with an outlet, and he is being conditioned that you will stand there and take it. Either you stay quiet/can't get a word in edgewise and he releases it that way, or you fight back, escalating the situation, and providing another form of release. If you refuse to talk to him when he's being aggressive, you're going to end up pissing him off at first, but you're also setting a boundary that they will learn to respect. You're basically conditioning him to realise that aggression = girlfriend leaves, talking civilly = girlfriend stays. I would also back off with the advice or sharing your opinions for now (I may be misinterpreting your post but it sounds like you started to say something about his debts?) and do your best to listen and be supportive. If he's stressed out, he's not going to be open to receiving someone else telling him everything he's doing wrong and could be doing different, when he likely feels helpless to begin with. This only really applies if this a temporary/more recent thing, however. Wouldn't say it applies to if he does this routinely, at which time I'd call it more like abuse than anything.

[rubydissolution]

My SO does this to me sometimes. I finally had to say something the other night. BC i basically asked him after i had told him a story "you don't really care do you?" and he said "no not really." That hurt and was the breaking point. I hung up with him early that night then talked to him the next day. I basically told him, when he's in a "mood", or he doesn't want to talk to me to tell me. Don't log onto skype and be a jerk to me. He said that if he did that it would make me sad. But personally, and i told him this, talking to him and hearing his disinterest and taking his sh*t makes me feel worst then not talking to him at all. So, maybe you should do something like that. Just don't talk when hes like that, it will spare you getting yelled at and he wont have to watch what he says when he's already in a bad mood.

[Kiyama]

Thanks for your responses.
Unfortunately things escalated this morning. It was a silly thing. When we skyped last night he was suddenly gone. Really mid sentence he disappeared. I first thought it was work related and went to bed but I had no message, nothing this morning so got a bit worried. When I asked him what happened he couldn't remember anything and thought we had said goodbye as usual. It's weird and combined with our current situation I snapped a little. Well things went really down hill from there.
But generally I like the idea of not letting him take his mood out on me and tell him that I don't want to talk to him when he's like that. But I'll try talk to him when things have calmed down and ask how he wants me to react.

I'm not sure about a bigger issue. He says he's ok with his life (no matter how it appears to me when he tells me every day how frustrated he is).I think it's his thing to brush things off when he decides so and that's the moment he pushes me away and reacts aggressively.

If he's stressed out, he's not going to be open to receiving someone else telling him everything he's doing wrong and could be doing different, when he likely feels helpless to begin with.

You're right and I think I overreacted a bit. He's usually a ver reliable person but that's why it took me by surprise to hear about it. I also have to say that this was one of the reasons my last relationship failed so in that moment it felt like a déja vu. I want a partner who I can rely on, especially in the future and that bills get payed and me and my family don't get into trouble. I can't be the one controlling and organising everyhing. Having said that I know he's a a completely different person.

ut personally, and i told him this, talking to him and hearing his disinterest and taking his sh*t makes me feel worst then not talking to him at all.

I'm sorry to hear that. Fortunately my SO never gives me the impression he lacks interest. That's really sad. But maybe he "just" says it because he is in a bad mood and wants to hurt you? It's no excuse but I can't imagine he would be with you if he wasn't interested!

[Haley53]

One thing to bear in mind is that we all struggle with money sometimes. Not everyone goes into debt, but I think it's important to look at how he handled the situation more than what the situation was. For example, my father racked up debt on my mother's credit cards but because their name and accounts were shared, the court ordered them to each pay half of the debt, despite my father being the one at fault. It took her some time (this was during their divorce) but she's paid them off and her credit scores are slowly improving. Sometimes people hit desperate times. I would be more worried if it were something frequent or reoccuring or something he wasn't managing well, but it sounds like it happened and he's dealing with it as best he can. Money management and reliability are about the management of the situation, not always about the situation, unless, like I said, it's reoccuring, so I really would try and lighten up and not dock your current boyfriend for your ex's issues, even if it can be hard sometimes.

Also, talking to him about what he needs from you would be good, once things have calmed down. Don't frame it like "I know you don't like it when I get upset" or "You get upset at me a lot and we need to work on it," but frame it more something along the lines of, "I feel like when presented with these situations, I don't always know what to say, and so I wanted to ask you how you would like me to handle these situations so I can be a better partner." Talk to him about his needs. Don't stir the pot by bringing up his reactions or yours into it and don't point fingers or use "you," as that comes off accusatory. Simply ask him what his needs are because you want to be able to better support him when he's going through a difficult time, and accept what he says. Some people don't like to talk about it unless they decide to, some don't like to be pushed, some do like to talk, etc., but even if his answer is one you don't like, respect it. Respect is as important as communication and trust.