Closed the distance, work issues arrise (no, not job hunting)

[Rugger]

There are other things to do in Vegas than drink, by the way. There are amazing shows, awesome shopping and great eateries. I totally and completely agree with Moon and Eclaire here. YOU are the one with the problem. Your girlfriend isn't doing anything wrong. She is trying to build a career, so she can build her life WITH YOU. You need money for that, and to get money, you need a job. Your girlfriend is extremely lucky to have a job in this economy. There are so many people who would KILL for a job. You either need to find a way to get over your issues or you need to let her go. YOU are the one destroying your relationship, not her job.

[11MikesGirl21]

No, I can't pinpoint it. Many dislikes of mine come to play though. I absolutely will NOT tolerate alcohol or any substance. She doesn't do any of that, but this is Sin-City. Nothing but sex and abuse take place there. The fact she'll be around it enrages me. There is mostly men in her work group. I don't like them due to their immature ways, so I'm sure that comes into play as well. And she'll be 3k miles away from me. I didn't hop and my car and drive for three days straight over 2k miles so I can once again have her far away (even if it's just a temporary thing).

You remind me of my boyfriend. And since you do (you honestly could be his twin from the way you type this) it sounds like you have the same "problem" he does. He trusts me, but he doesn't trust people and the enviroment people are in when alcohol is involved. That, I can totally understand and empathize with. You just have to go with your gut and all the trust you have in her that she will still be that girl who does not drink when you're not around and she's surrounded by it. (She obviously was at one point, she's in college. And I'm assuming you weren't with her then and she was fine.) My SO is still a little wary because I'm at college and he's not; but he knows and trusts me and he relies on that trust that I'm not going to do anything.

Now with you feeling "left behind and forgotten" while she goes to Vegas, you just have to let that go. It's an opportunity that came up. It has to do with her job her future career. She can't pass it up. She'll be back. It's a business trip. She'll be coming home TO YOU after. I'm at a loss for what else to say, but you can't hold the fact that you were the one who moved over her head. You both obviously decided that together. She's not leaving you behind; she's doing what's required of her for her job.

EDIT: And let me just throw this out there. My SO is moving to where my family is. I will not even be permanmently with him until (at the earliest) May 2014. He's the one who moved. I will be at college 450 miles away. During the summer, if I get the job I'm interviewing for, I will have to leave and go back to school multiple times. I'll be cutting our summer together short. For a job. A job that honestly, doesn't really pay all that well. But the EXPERIENCE and NETWORKING and PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIPS I can build with this job are endless. That's the mindset your girlfriend is probably working with. She wants to make this side job her career. In order to do that she has to show that she wants it, that she can do it. She has to show her boss and the team she's working with that she can be counted on to do what it takes to make a side project--that doesn't even make her a lot of money so really there's no incentive to--work. If she can show them that she's willing to put in that much effort into something that's a SIDE project, what kind of work do you think she'll put into it when it becomes her full time job?

I want to teach someday. A very likely possibilty for grad school is me going to Asia to teach English so grad school can be completely covered financially. That's all for the life I want to have with him in the future.

His moving to where my family is does not define our relationship anymore than our relationship being long distance now. What defines our relationship is OUR RELATIONSHIP. Everything that we share between the two of us--trust, respect, love, care, etc. He doesn't care if I do end up in South Korea in order to get through grad school. All he cares about is that I'm happy and that I want to do something for myself. If I'm doing that thing for myself with the motivation that in the end it's for the both of us, all the better. He's cheering me on while I practically kill myself with my school work and my job I have on campus. You should be doing the same for your girlfriend. Honestly if you don't, it's very likely that you will lose her. Just like Moon's husband lost her.

It's a business trip, a conference, a week's time at the most. (And really, who would drink and go crazy on a business trip, when you're trying to make an impression on your boss?) Is your whole relationship really worth losing over a week? Is your whole relationship really and truly defined by the fact that you're the one who moved?

Also, it's not coming down to "you or the job", it's simply, "you AND the job." How you can even see this as a problem or something that will break your relationship baffles me. How you can MOVE from one state to another, do everything you've done, but think that a short trip to Vegas FOR BUSINESS is going to ruin or undermind all of that, just utterly confuses me.

That's like my boyfriend saying that he wants me to transfer to a woman's college near my family because there are boys and alcohol on my campus. It's not about "him or school." It's about me being at school to get my self started and situated with an education that can help me be with him. It's "school AND him."

[Zapookie]

I also just wanted to echo the fact previously stated - your relationship is not defined by your move. Your relationship is defined by you two as a couple, the way you communicate and show each other love and respect, the way you honour each other and are loyal to the other person. It is not defined by a move. Do you think all the LDR couples on here who have closed the distance define their relationship by their move? No. People move all the time. For some its a bigger change than others. But it doesn't "make" your relationship.

Yes, a move has to happen eventually in an LDR for things to work in the long term - that should be well known to everyone on here. But that's not what your entire rship should be based upon. If your SO has picked up on the fact that you are truly holding this over her head, she's going to begin to resent you for it and it will get only get worse if you don't let this go. Same with any kind of relationship. I had friends who held very insignificant things against me (even after I had done my best to make it up to them!) and it tore us apart. You have to learn to deal and move on. It's a part of life - change and growth.

[05eclipse05]

Explain this to me. This all came down to the same point I keep hearing, "I have the problem, blah blah blah, I need to get over it". I would do absolutely anything for this woman if she was uncomfortable with it. If work asked me to go somewhere where she was uncomfortable, I would gladly tell my work sorry, aint happening. Or even shove it. Even if I really wanted to go.

So.. when I ask the same thing, I'm the bad guy. But if I needed to do something to keep her happy, it's okay?


Money isn't shit. I grew up poor my whole life. I couldn't have a better life as a child. Money is nothing to me, and isn't important. I'm living proof of that. So you can count that factor out of the whole job thing.

Oh and Moon, no offense to you, but you just prove to me you're no longer a third party opinion. You're now biased - and coming from her point of view on this whole situation.

[Dziubka]

Moon and lucybelle made some excellent points already (You two are so smart and reasonable and patient - please don't ever leave this forum!), so I'm not going to repeat everything they said.

Explain this to me. This all came down to the same point I keep hearing, "I have the problem, blah blah blah, I need to get over it". I would do absolutely anything for this woman if she was uncomfortable with it. If work asked me to go somewhere where she was uncomfortable, I would gladly tell my work sorry, aint happening. Or even shove it. Even if I really wanted to go.

So.. when I ask the same thing, I'm the bad guy. But if I needed to do something to keep her happy, it's okay?

The thing is just because you're ready to do something, you can't expect the same from your partner.
A relationship is not a business deal. Some things are easier to give up for you than for your girlfriend and vice versa. Just because work isn't important to you and you'd give up career chances for your relationship, doesn't mean that your girlfriend has to do the same.
An example:
When my boyfriend's visiting I sometimes ask him to get the mail for me. I live on the 4th floor without an elevator and the mailboxes are (obviously) downstairs, so imho it's quite a big favour to ask. He does it for me and I'm very very thankful for that. He does it, because he wants to and it's not a big deal for him.
I most likely wouldn't do that for him and it would be silly and stupid of him to expect me to, just because he would do/did it for me.

Relationships just don't work that way. You don't get out exactly what you put in. I do other things for him, that he wouldn't do for me (cooking, laundry,...). It's really nice that you would do absolutely everything for he, but you can't really expect her to do the same. Especially if she hasn't even asked you for it.
People have different priorities. I wouldn't give up something work related, because my boyfriend has some diffuse fears of alcohol and gambling. I'd actually be offended at the lack of trust and support.
Like others have already pointed out: YOU are the one with unreasonable fears which are destroying your relationship. Why should she have to suffer from that? If you yourself don't know where it comes from, then maybe work on that?

[Rugger]

Explain this to me. This all came down to the same point I keep hearing, "I have the problem, blah blah blah, I need to get over it". I would do absolutely anything for this woman if she was uncomfortable with it. If work asked me to go somewhere where she was uncomfortable, I would gladly tell my work sorry, aint happening. Or even shove it. Even if I really wanted to go.

So.. when I ask the same thing, I'm the bad guy. But if I needed to do something to keep her happy, it's okay?


Money isn't shit. I grew up poor my whole life. I couldn't have a better life as a child. Money is nothing to me, and isn't important. I'm living proof of that. So you can count that factor out of the whole job thing.

Oh and Moon, no offense to you, but you just prove to me you're no longer a third party opinion. You're now biased - and coming from her point of view on this whole situation.

A relationship is not kept on a score card. Just because you are willing and comfortable doing something for her, doesn't mean she has to do it for you. It's not like she's going to Vegas with her girlfriends, or for a party or even because she wants to. She's going for HER JOB. She's doing it for her future, not for pleasure. I guarantee she's not happy about making you uncomfortable, but it's something she has to do.

I'm sorry, but Money is the shit. It's not something that is an option. You NEED money. I'm pretty sure your parents didn't want to be poor. I'm sure they wanted to give you the best life they could possibly give. Money supplies your basic needs. Why would she want her children to have to struggle? Just because money is nothing to you, doesn't mean it isn't to her. Also there is more than money to be gained from a job, there is a sense of pride in what you are doing. You are trying to shame her into not doing something she loves when you can't even name WHY you are uncomfortable. If you stop her from going, She's going to resent you for the rest of your relationship, and I wouldn't blame her. I love my SO, but if he tried to stop me from getting my dream job, He'd be gone.

Thirdly, Moon isn't being biased. She's offering you insight into what could happen if you keep up what you are doing. She's honestly one of the most intelligent members on this board and gives great advice. Just because she said something you don't like, doesn't maker her wrong

[Moon]

Oh and Moon, no offense to you, but you just prove to me you're no longer a third party opinion. You're now biased - and coming from her point of view on this whole situation.

Uh, yeah, me and your girlfriend are on FB chat right now, deciding on how I should advise you Why the hell should I be biased? You make no sense.
I won't tell you what you proved you are, but no worries, rest assured I'll be ignoring you from now on. Especially when you're back here moaning about how your relationship failed and you can't live without her, blah, blah, blah. Cheers, grow up, and good luck.

[Tooki]

From what I understand, it seems like you don't trust your missus in Vegas.

Ask yourself this: Are you willing to sacrifice her career for your own piece of mind? I understand that you don't trust other men but you need to put some trust into your missus. Is it right for you to prevent your wife from doing ANYTHING that you don't approve of? Does she do the same to you?

And honestly? They will be in Vegas. If her colleagues want girls, they are sure to find some single, temporary prospects whilst they are there.

[kteire]

Explain this to me. This all came down to the same point I keep hearing, "I have the problem, blah blah blah, I need to get over it". I would do absolutely anything for this woman if she was uncomfortable with it. If work asked me to go somewhere where she was uncomfortable, I would gladly tell my work sorry, aint happening. Or even shove it. Even if I really wanted to go.

She obviously has different priorities, or like the majority of people here, doesn't see how going away for a very short period of time, in the grand scheme of things, is choosing her job over you. She's investing in her future and that will benefit you both in the long-run. If my SO ever restricted me from pursing the career I want because he was indescribably "uncomfortable," I would resent him and it would put a great divide between us.

You honestly can't expect to have a life where you restrict her from doing something because it makes you feel uncomfortable. You can't always be 100% in agreement of things, and you'll push her away if you're trying to control her. Love should never prevent you from pursuing your dreams. (Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free) And believe me, Vegas doesn't always bring out the worst in people. My SO went there shortly after we became LD, and the worst he did was get a lap-dance (which I told him ahead of time I would be ok with). If a crazy Irishman can control himself in Vegas, I'm sure your lady will be fine.

[Bethypoo]

I do think it is a bit odd that you have having such an issue with what is going on. I do understand not being overly thrilled about it, but I dont think it needs to be such a huge deal.

Do you think it is possible that you are having a problem because you did "bit the bullet and move with just a car load" and now she is busy with everything else and this job that isnt the best of jobs?

If that is the case, you have to do what you have to do right now. Most college graduates (myself included) are having a hard time finding a job. So for right now be thankful that A) you are together and B) you have jobs.

But if you do think that you are feeling clingy or that you feel you moved and changed your life and in return she isn't meeting your needs, then you need to talk with her about it. She needs to know that you arent getting what you need. Open the lines of communication.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

[littleblue]

You have to be able to compromise on certain things together. But you also have to accept that she has a life of her own, and from the sounds of it, a very promising career.

I do actually understand about not being able to explain why you aren't comfortable about her going to Vegas, and not being able to pin-point the reason why, but from personal experience, its most likely your own insecurities, even if you don't realise this.

Please try and see that you moved for this girl because you fell in love with her. Her career, including a presentation in Vegas, is part of that girl you fell in love with. It's not always so simple to say 'no' to work. This could give her so many opportunities for success in the future. Surely you want that for her? It's very easy to say that you would do anything for her, so why won't you let her do this?

Sorry if someone's asked you already, (there are too many replies to read through them properly), but how long is she away for?

Because I guarantee that when she's back again, all these feelings will quickly go away, and you'll wonder why you were so worried. That is, unless, there are underlying issues in your relationship, that actually have nothing to do with her going to Vegas at all....

[goalie_girl34]

05eclipse05,

You're about to ruin your relationship, so tread carefully.

What strikes me first about your resistance to her going on this trip is that there isnt any real reason behind it. And from what I can gather, this may just be a control issue. Simply because its Vegas, and because other men will be there and because she isn't getting paid a lot of money to do this are not reasons that you should be throwing this much of a fit about her going. It just isnt, it sounds more like you just want her to listen to you regardless of the reason and do what you wish. She's going for work. I doubt she'll be drinking and partying and gambling with strippers and trashing hotel rooms while doing blow. I sincerely doubt it, but if that were the concern you should COMMUNICATE with HER. I highly doubt she's using this as a chance to get with coworkers or cheat on the man that moved over 2000 miles for her. If it was that's a bigger issue than this trip in itself and a major foundation of the relationship is missing. Again, you would TALK to HER. But you have said this isn't a trust issue...If this is about how much she's getting paid, get over yourself. It's not really any of your business or concern. It's her career. Like you said, this is something that will eventually turn into her full time job and so this is obviously a step that needs to be taken if that is going to happen.

With all these reasons pointed out and debunked it sounds like your either jealous or a control freak. Especially with how defensive your getting towards others who are trying to help you sort something out that you yourself said you have no clue why it is making you react this way. I gurantee you that if your SO saw this discussion she would be confused and angry and also probably take you for a control freak. There doesnt seem to be a logical reason for your freaking out and evrey reason you have pointed out is about YOU and not HER. Yes, you two are in a relationship and sharing your lives together but she is also her own person and doesnt need your insecurities preventing her from going on a simple business trip. Relax, or find someone who you dont feel you need to micromanage or feel owes you all their life decisions.

[05eclipse05]

Uh, yeah, me and your girlfriend are on FB chat right now, deciding on how I should advise you

I never stated anything like that? You're taking my words way out of proportion here.

Why the hell should I be biased? You make no sense.

You stated it. You said this is the exact thing your EX-Husband did to you. So you're now speaking from a point of view from being the other person.

I won't tell you what you proved you are, but no worries, rest assured I'll be ignoring you from now on. Especially when you're back here moaning about how your relationship failed and you can't live without her, blah, blah, blah. Cheers, grow up, and good luck.

Lol, who needs to chill now? Thank for your two cents though - don't know why you took my statements and got so bent up about them. I'm part of a much larger forum.. maybe you're just more sensitive from how I'm used to talking. It's just the internet. Don't get so mad over words, kay? And no, I never said the relationship failed, did I? It's a mere bump we're both trying to get over.

From what I understand, it seems like you don't trust your missus in Vegas.

Actually that's exactly what I did NOT say in the first post. I trust her. No problem. I don't like the situation, nor the "company".

I do think it is a bit odd that you have having such an issue with what is going on. I do understand not being overly thrilled about it, but I dont think it needs to be such a huge deal.

Do you think it is possible that you are having a problem because you did "bit the bullet and move with just a car load" and now she is busy with everything else and this job that isnt the best of jobs?

If that is the case, you have to do what you have to do right now. Most college graduates (myself included) are having a hard time finding a job. So for right now be thankful that A) you are together and B) you have jobs.

But if you do think that you are feeling clingy or that you feel you moved and changed your life and in return she isn't meeting your needs, then you need to talk with her about it. She needs to know that you arent getting what you need. Open the lines of communication.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

Believe me, we talked about this plenty of time. (She's a member on here as well). I've had issues with them meeting up at her bosses house for "team meetings". Which is two hours away.. in the middle of the woods.

---------- Post added at 06:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 06:08 PM ----------

Thanks for all the words. I guess jealousy and resentment are the main issues here. But I also believe I am doing nothing wrong. I feel as if I should be more than a good reason to say no to anything, just like she is more than enough of a reason for me.

Just trying to focus towards them. Again, even though you say "it's wrong", I'm certain it's not. Not in my eyes.

[Zapookie]

But I also believe I am doing nothing wrong. I feel as if I should be more than a good reason to say no to anything, just like she is more than enough of a reason for me.

You see, that's the problem. You feel like she needs to think and do the same things as you, and you're holding her to the same standard as you hold yourself. Guess what?
you are you, and your girlfriend is her own person. She doesn't have to do what you tell her. You are projecting your beliefs and your values on to her and expecting her to comply with that.

You know, you are not the be all and end all. You are not some big magical being that your girlfriend needs to bow down to every day. You are her boyfriend - a person who should love and support his girlfriend in the decisions she makes, and her quest to better her career/job prospects. You are making this all about you, as if she is going on this trip to spite you. SHE'S NOT!

But anyway, you honestly need to swallow your pride and let her go to Vegas. Everyone else (who you so nicely ignored) has stated her most obvious reasons for going there, which are for business and NOT pleasure.

[digitalfever]

Explain this to me. This all came down to the same point I keep hearing, "I have the problem, blah blah blah, I need to get over it". I would do absolutely anything for this woman if she was uncomfortable with it. If work asked me to go somewhere where she was uncomfortable, I would gladly tell my work sorry, aint happening. Or even shove it. Even if I really wanted to go.

Because in reality if you tell your boss to “shove it” or to decline going on a business trip unless there is a family emergency you are fired, or your reputation within the company is compromised. Your girlfriend has a career and you should respect it regardless if she goes to Vegas or not.