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**Haley53** · February 16, 2012, 06:18 PM

Could you expand on what makes you uncomfortable? I realise you said you're not sure what the issue is, that you don't think it's trust, but is it the idea of other men bothering you or is it more the fact that she's doing these things, sans you, despite the fact you gave up your old life for her to start a new one with her?

**05eclipse05** · February 16, 2012, 06:33 PM

No, I can't pinpoint it. Many dislikes of mine come to play though. I absolutely will NOT tolerate alcohol or any substance. She doesn't do any of that, but this is Sin-City. Nothing but sex and abuse take place there. The fact she'll be around it enrages me. There is mostly men in her work group. I don't like them due to their immature ways, so I'm sure that comes into play as well. And she'll be 3k miles away from me. I didn't hop and my car and drive for three days straight over 2k miles so I can once again have her far away (even if it's just a temporary thing).

**lucybelle** · February 16, 2012, 06:38 PM

I feel like you might be bothered because she's spending more time with her job, boss, school, etc. than she is with you. And maybe she's more excited about going to Las Vegas (away from you) than she is about spending a weekend along with you. You two need to find a balance. It's hard to both be working full time, but you need to find time for each other.

Also, maybe you feel resentful towards her because you left your life behind to be with her, and she's not thanked you enough? The thing is you decided to move, you can't continue to hang that over her head. "Well I moved to you so you should do ____ for me"

I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to come up with ideas.

---------- Post added at 08:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:36 PM ----------

Originally posted by 05eclipse05 View Post

No, I can't pinpoint it. Many dislikes of mine come to play though. I absolutely will NOT tolerate alcohol or any substance. She doesn't do any of that, but this is Sin-City. Nothing but sex and abuse take place there. The fact she'll be around it enrages me. There is mostly men in her work group. I don't like them due to their immature ways, so I'm sure that comes into play as well. And she'll be 3k miles away from me. I didn't hop and my car and drive for three days straight over 2k miles so I can once again have her far away (even if it's just a temporary thing).

Ah ha! I was right, you are resentful towards her. You gotta let that go man. You got to. YOU made the decision to be with her. But you can't keep her from doing what she needs to do just because you drove 3 days in a car. I moved to another country and I have never in my life kept my SO from doing something just because I made the decision to move to him.

**05eclipse05** · February 16, 2012, 06:46 PM

Originally posted by lucybelle View Post

I feel like you might be bothered because she's spending more time with her job, boss, school, etc. than she is with you. And maybe she's more excited about going to Las Vegas (away from you) than she is about spending a weekend along with you. You two need to find a balance. It's hard to both be working full time, but you need to find time for each other.

Also, maybe you feel resentful towards her because you left your life behind to be with her, and she's not thanked you enough? The thing is you decided to move, you can't continue to hang that over her head. "Well I moved to you so you should do ____ for me"

I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to come up with ideas.

---------- Post added at 08:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:36 PM ----------

Ah ha! I was right, you are resentful towards her. You gotta let that go man. You got to. YOU made the decision to be with her. But you can't keep her from doing what she needs to do just because you drove 3 days in a car. I moved to another country and I have never in my life kept my SO from doing something just because I made the decision to move to him.

It was the one and only option we had. I wasn't the ONLY one who made the decision. We both did. I had no other choice. If I didn't move, we wouldn't be together.

**Moon** · February 16, 2012, 06:50 PM

Regardless of your reasons for not liking this, your girlfriend managed to find a full-time job when so many college kids and graduates can't, and are eyeball deep in debt, while working retail. She's pretty lucky. She can't give up this opportunity, that would be incredibly stupid, even though you aren't "comfortable". Many, many careers include travel, even to places like Las Vegas, it's simply part of the job and something you'll likely need to get used to. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you should try looking past yourself, and see what this could mean for your girlfriend's future. You made a snarky little comment about money, but like it or not, it IS important! She's gotta make a living.

You may have moved for her, but so what? That's what LDR couples do, and you knew she'd pursue a job after college, didn't you? Try being proud of what she's done, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, it could be very important in the course of your relationship. As you get used to this change, just keep yourself busy while she's away, and don't make her feel bad over something she can't control.

**lucybelle** · February 16, 2012, 06:54 PM

Originally posted by 05eclipse05 View Post

It was the one and only option we had. I wasn't the ONLY one who made the decision. We both did. I had no other choice. If I didn't move, we wouldn't be together.

Right, but you're still holding this against her! You feel like she owes you something since you dropped everything and moved to her. You said "I didn't hop and my car and drive for three days straight over 2k miles so I can once again have her far away (even if it's just a temporary thing)." this is you holding your move against her. Don't you see that? You think she owes you. You think she needs to do everything you want her to because YOU moved. Things don't work like that.

**05eclipse05** · February 16, 2012, 07:12 PM

Originally posted by Moon View Post

Regardless of your reasons for not liking this, your girlfriend managed to find a full-time job when so many college kids and graduates can't, and are eyeball deep in debt, while working retail. She's pretty lucky. She can't give up this opportunity, that would be incredibly stupid, even though you aren't "comfortable". Many, many careers include travel, even to places like Las Vegas, it's simply part of the job and something you'll likely need to get used to. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but you should try looking past yourself, and see what this could mean for your girlfriend's future. You made a snarky little comment about money, but like it or not, it IS important! She's gotta make a living.

You may have moved for her, but so what? That's what LDR couples do, and you knew she'd pursue a job after college, didn't you? Try being proud of what she's done, instead of feeling sorry for yourself, it could be very important in the course of your relationship. As you get used to this change, just keep yourself busy while she's away, and don't make her feel bad over something she can't control.

We both managed full-time job while in College. I'm just simply done with college, and she's about to be. And of course I expect her to pursue work - that's a no-brainer. But this one popped up out of nowhere, and includes NOTHING we ever talked about. And I'm looking WAY past myself. Remember, I gave all of "my" important factors of life, for us. If that isn't looking past myself for the better of our relationship, something is wrong there. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm simply expressing my feelings and concerns. Don't most women want guys to that anyways? But when I do, I seem to automatically be the bad guy here. And she can easily control this. But again, I don't want it to come down to "me or the job."

Originally posted by lucybelle View Post

Right, but you're still holding this against her! You feel like she owes you something since you dropped everything and moved to her. You said "I didn't hop and my car and drive for three days straight over 2k miles so I can once again have her far away (even if it's just a temporary thing)." this is you holding your move against her. Don't you see that? You think she owes you. You think she needs to do everything you want her to because YOU moved. Things don't work like that.

She doesn't owe me. I did something for not her, not me, but for US. It was a sacrifice for the better of OUR relationship so we can grow together. I'm in no way being selfish to be against something that can destroy our relationship. It's for US, not just me. Can't you see that?

**lucybelle** · February 16, 2012, 07:26 PM

Originally posted by 05eclipse05 View Post

She doesn't owe me. I did something for not her, not me, but for US. It was a sacrifice for the better of OUR relationship so we can grow together. I'm in no way being selfish to be against something that can destroy our relationship. It's for US, not just me. Can't you see that?

But why would it destroy your relationship if she went to Vegas?? Because there's alcohol? Because there's strippers? I just don't get where you're coming from. That reasoning doesn't make sense at all.

And also, every time you reply to me it makes me think more and more that you resent her for making you move. I know you don't see it, but I do. You came to a forum for opinions, and you're getting my honest one.

**Moon** · February 16, 2012, 07:26 PM

Chill man, you're being awfully defensive to the people who are giving you the non-biased, third-party, don't-know-either-of-you opinions YOU requested. You asked, you got answers. You may not have liked them, but that's what happens when you want to hear what people who don't know you think.

Lay off the moving part. You were in an LDR, in order to progress, someone had to move and it was you. Again, so what? What does moving have to do with her job? Her job requires travel, stop holding that against her. It may not be what you planned, but little in life ever is.

We all sacrifice things for relationships, not sure why you keep bringing it up, but I see plenty of trouble in store for your relationship in the future if you don't get over it.

**Haley53** · February 16, 2012, 07:33 PM

But you're the only one who sees this as a threat to your relationship. There are a lot of people who go to Las Vegas to see strippers and to drink and smoke and live it up, the life of Sin City, but there are a lot of people who do not. There are a lot of people who don't partake in activities regardless of what others are doing, and you seem to have this Hollywood idea of Las Vegas that only, well, exists for some people some of the time. o.0 Sometimes work involves travel and if that means grouping up and going, that's what it means. She's going for a conference/presentation, as I'm understanding it. It's not like her boss asked her to come party in Sin City with him and the boys, which is how you are taking it.

No one is saying you're the bad guy. What they're offering you is the perspective you asked for. They're telling you that you can't sit there holding the fact you moved over her head. Sure, you moved across the country for her. That's what people in long-distance relationships do. They do it for the better of the "us." And someone has to do it, typically the one with the least ties. It's not something to brag about or use to identify yourself as the better partner or the one who did/sacrificed more. So you took one for the team? So what? That does not make you any more or less dedicated. That is what people in relationships in general should do. It does not mean that she should make this sacrifice. You say you're not being selfish because you're against this when it could potentially destroy your relationship. My question is how? The only reason I can see it would be destroyed is either you leave her for it or your resentment of her turns her off from you. She's not going there to drink and party; she's going there for a conference. If she did decide to let her hair down, so long as she stayed faithful, what's your deal?

I get not liking certain decisions. My partner drinks rarely and in moderation, but I still loathe alcohol with a passion and don't drink it myself. I realise, however, that I can't control his decisions either. If he wants to have a drink with his friends at a friend's birthday party or on New Year's Eve, by all means, that's his decision not mine. I can talk to him about how I feel, work out a compromise, but I cannot micromanage his decisions and neither can you. You may hate the principal of Las Vegas and you may hate the image of it you have in your head (which in my opinion is too Hollywood for someone going to Las Vegas for a presentation), but there's not much you can do about it. Sometimes work requires travel and if this job is something that requires a little extra time for her to weasle her way into it, you have to support it. I can understand if you feel betrayed that she didn't mention this to you, that out of nowhere she all of a sudden says she's upping and leaving to Las Vegas for a weekend, but I honestly think you need to let it go. It was probably sprung on her as much as it was you.

Personally I think you need to quit being so controlling, stop letting your issues overwhelm you to this point, stop thinking moving to her gives you a right to micromanage what she does and when, and realise that you're looking at this irrationally. The only way this will destroy your relationship is if you let it, because as far as I can see, there's no indication you're worried about her cheating on you.

**05eclipse05** · February 16, 2012, 07:46 PM

Originally posted by lucybelle View Post

But why would it destroy your relationship if she went to Vegas?? Because there's alcohol? Because there's strippers? I just don't get where you're coming from. That reasoning doesn't make sense at all.

And also, every time you reply to me it makes me think more and more that you resent her for making you move. I know you don't see it, but I do. You came to a forum for opinions, and you're getting my honest one.

That's exactly why I'm here. I don't get it either. All I know is I hate it. Simple as that. It will destroy us because it's destroying me, which in turn is destroying her. I know I'm getting your opinion, no biggy. I thank ya for it.

Originally posted by Moon View Post

Chill man, you're being awfully defensive to the people who are giving you the non-biased, third-party, don't-know-either-of-you opinions YOU requested. You asked, you got answers. You may not have liked them, but that's what happens when you want to hear what people who don't know you think.

Lay off the moving part. You were in an LDR, in order to progress, someone had to move and it was you. Again, so what? What does moving have to do with her job? Her job requires travel, stop holding that against her. It may not be what you planned, but little in life ever is.

We all sacrifice things for relationships, not sure why you keep bringing it up, but I see plenty of trouble in store for your relationship in the future if you don't get over it.

Lol, I'm not defensive. I'm just merely giving you my reactions to your statements. I'm not all-caps raging or anything. I know I requested them - nothing you said has really surprised me. Your comments are pretty much similar to what I have already heard from consoling. It's not that I don't like them, it just hasn't gotten me anywhere yet. I doubt it will. Your mindset towards our issues is fairly generic from what I have already heard. (This isn't my only 3rd party request)

Not going to lay off the moving part, it's a major part of both of us. It defined our relationship and each other. Why would you throw something so important out the window, that's pretty silly if you ask me. And remember, it's not "her job." It's a almost no-paying side thing she does. It has virtually no income. How can a company "make" you do something if you're not getting paid for it.

I keep bringing it up because it seems to be a major key to our whole puzzle. It never was an issue with me sacrificing to come here for us. Not one bit. It only became really important once this job thing started grinding our gears.

---------- Post added at 08:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:41 PM ----------

So, her not going to Las Vegas. That's taking one for the team. Am I right? For the better of "us?"

---------- Post added at 08:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:45 PM ----------

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

But you're the only one who sees this as a threat to your relationship. There are a lot of people who go to Las Vegas to see strippers and to drink and smoke and live it up, the life of Sin City, but there are a lot of people who do not. There are a lot of people who don't partake in activities regardless of what others are doing, and you seem to have this Hollywood idea of Las Vegas that only, well, exists for some people some of the time. o.0 Sometimes work involves travel and if that means grouping up and going, that's what it means. She's going for a conference/presentation, as I'm understanding it. It's not like her boss asked her to come party in Sin City with him and the boys, which is how you are taking it.

No one is saying you're the bad guy. What they're offering you is the perspective you asked for. They're telling you that you can't sit there holding the fact you moved over her head. Sure, you moved across the country for her. That's what people in long-distance relationships do. They do it for the better of the "us." And someone has to do it, typically the one with the least ties. It's not something to brag about or use to identify yourself as the better partner or the one who did/sacrificed more. So you took one for the team? So what? That does not make you any more or less dedicated. That is what people in relationships in general should do. It does not mean that she should make this sacrifice. You say you're not being selfish because you're against this when it could potentially destroy your relationship. My question is how? The only reason I can see it would be destroyed is either you leave her for it or your resentment of her turns her off from you. She's not going there to drink and party; she's going there for a conference. If she did decide to let her hair down, so long as she stayed faithful, what's your deal?

I get not liking certain decisions. My partner drinks rarely and in moderation, but I still loathe alcohol with a passion and don't drink it myself. I realise, however, that I can't control his decisions either. If he wants to have a drink with his friends at a friend's birthday party or on New Year's Eve, by all means, that's his decision not mine. I can talk to him about how I feel, work out a compromise, but I cannot micromanage his decisions and neither can you. You may hate the principal of Las Vegas and you may hate the image of it you have in your head (which in my opinion is too Hollywood for someone going to Las Vegas for a presentation), but there's not much you can do about it. Sometimes work requires travel and if this job is something that requires a little extra time for her to weasle her way into it, you have to support it. I can understand if you feel betrayed that she didn't mention this to you, that out of nowhere she all of a sudden says she's upping and leaving to Las Vegas for a weekend, but I honestly think you need to let it go. It was probably sprung on her as much as it was you.

Personally I think you need to quit being so controlling, stop letting your issues overwhelm you to this point, stop thinking moving to her gives you a right to micromanage what she does and when, and realise that you're looking at this irrationally. The only way this will destroy your relationship is if you let it, because as far as I can see, there's no indication you're worried about her cheating on you.

So, her not going to Las Vegas. That's taking one for the team. Am I right? For the better of "us?"

**05eclipse05** · February 16, 2012, 07:53 PM

I'm going to sleep for the night. Thanks for the opinions everyone. More food for thought so the brain can munch on it.

**Haley53** · February 16, 2012, 07:55 PM

No, you're not right. There's a difference between closing the distance because that's an inevitable hurdle and making something into an issue. She's doing this for her job. This is a side-job that she says will likely become her full-time job in a year, so I'm guessing that even if she's not getting paid, she's trying to nose her way into the company. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile to prove to an employer that you're serious/dedicated. If she's looking for this side job to become full-time, then she's going to need to be apart of the company.

In my opinion, career and academics are two places in which neither partner should sacrifice anything for the other. I am temporarily closing the distance next year, through a working holiday, when my SO will be pursuing his academic goals. The fact he's decided to pursue an advanced degree and the fact that I'm not sacrificing my academics both mean the distance might be extended, but we will ultimately be settling here because his degree/area of study will be more flexible than mine, which would require a conversion course, additional schooling, and additional licensing in order to be able to practice in Ireland as opposed to California. It's a shitty situation. His decision to pursue this degree was unexpected. But am I throwing a tantrum over it? No, because he's enriching his life and I need to be supportive of that. I would not stay with anyone who asked me to choose between them and my school/career, which almost got my ex kicked out of the picture. She's doing this for her benefit. She's working towards a job that she wants. She's working for something that will ultimately make more money which will benefit the both of you. I don't think I could ever be with someone who did not support my goals because of their own selfish insecurities. Even my boyfriend was madly insecure (at first) about my travelling abroad when it was a possibility for me, but he sucked it up because he didn't want to be the reason I did not jump on opportunity when I had it. In my opinion, you should be supportive of your partner's career and academic goals. If she doesn't go, she's risking sacrificing a company she wants to make her way into.

But you're obviously not content with any responses you get unless they agree and say you have a point? The reason therapy didn't work is because therapy requires being introspective and owning up to where you went wrong and what you could be doing better. If anyone remains stubborn as a mule, they're not going to get anywhere. For her sake, I hope she does go to the conference as opposed to letting you bully her into not going. If she bends to you now, there will be more issues like this in the future. This is not a good start for a relationship and I would honestly reconsider what you want. If it's her, then I would find a way to swallow your pride and release your resentment long enough to look at this situation from a different viewpoint than the viewpoint of someone who's convinced they're right and everyone else is stupid not to see it.

**Moon** · February 16, 2012, 08:01 PM

Before I take my "generic" advice elsewhere, I'll tell you about my ex-husband, not that I expect you to get anything from it. I was married for 10 years to a man who couldn't handle the fact that my job (I'm in IT) sometimes required working off-hours, and in order to be successful in the company I worked for at the time, it was very much expected that social functions and conferences were attended. No, they weren't technically mandatory, but in reality, they were.

Whenever I knew I had to attend something, I was sick to my stomach knowing I had to tell him about it, and sure enough it would blow up into fights that lasted for days. You have no idea of the amount of stress this put me under, but you know what happened? After a few years of this controlling bullshit, I gradually stopped caring, and full of red hot resentment, also began hating him. And as I said, I'm divorced now. Just sayin'

He also liked hanging things over my head and never letting anything go, and if I were going somewhere he didn't like, he said the same kind of garbage you said about your girl in Vegas. I was never, ever out to do anything wrong, it didn't matter who else was there, I was in control of myself. Not according to him though, which is funny, since he was never there to know.

You're about to wreck your relationship, and you can't get past your pride and control issues long enough to fix it. I'm sorry for you, but I do wish you luck and hope you somehow manage to figure it out.

Announcement

Closed the distance, work issues arrise (no, not job hunting)

Closed the distance, work issues arrise (no, not job hunting)

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