Girlfriend still is active on dating site. What should I do?

[jaymo90]

Hey. My girlfriend that I have been with for almost 4 months. Lied to me. She said she deleted the dating site account that we met on. Turns out that she only deactivated it. I logged into her account and it turns out that she is messaging guys back and telling them she does'nt have a boyfriend. And to contact her on yahoo. Yet she says she still loves me. I love this girl more than anything. I don't know what to think right now. I don't even know what to do. It hurts alot. Anyways. What should I do about it? Please tell me what to do.

[Kristin91]

If I were you I'd bring it up. Maybe not accusingly say "You lied to me" but bring it up in conversation. Try to get her to admit it, especially since you already know and see what she has to say. I don't think you can make any serious decisions without getting the full story (and that includes her side).

[Yaaamiii]

It's kind of hard to say something like you probably shouldn't have been snooping around her stuff, but it's somewhat hard to say that in this situation because you actually did catch her. Either way, I'd probably confront her about it.

[haribo0603]

If I would be you, I dont say to her what you know and first concentrate in the relationship, and then tell your friend "I really like you. It would be hard for me if you have an interest in other guys." If she become serious with you, she will stop doing something which make you sad. What you know is like a trump card, but I do not recommend to use it now.

[jenniferjade]

There really isn't any other option. You have to talk to her about it, and ask her why she would do that. Sounds to me like the two of you need to have a serious talk about your LDR and see if it's still something you BOTH really want. And even if her answer isn't what you want to hear, that doesn't mean that it can't be worked out. Anything is possible, so just take it one step at a time.

[Bethypoo]

Whoa!!

No matter what you need to talk to her about it. It isnt cool. I mean, some people deactivate their site but don't delete it. THAT isnt a big deal. But messaging other people and telling them that you relationship does exist. That is a problem.

I would ask her if she still goes on the site. If she comes clean then great. If she lies, then you need to straight up tell her you know that she isnt telling the truth. It does cause trust issues. Tell her that you are hurt that she disregarded you relationship and that she flat out lied.

Then go from there.

Good luck!

[Zephii]

You can't trust her It's sad, but she's directly lied to you. I don't think in four months you've invested so much that it's likely worth saving. I would cut my losses and move on.
I'm very sorry she has done this to you

[Killtrend]

I'd say its time to cut your losses if those messages were dated after you were together. You don't need that kind of poison in a growing relationship.

Here's how you bring it up:

"My friend [insert guy she replied to or a real friend here] was browsing the dating site you are on... Said that he saw someone that reminded him of pictures I showed him of you so he messaged you. Turns out it was you, and you messaged him saying you were single. Why?"

No matter the response, once a liar, always a liar. I don't like the idea of "snooping" per sey, but the only people that care are the ones with something to hide.

[lala]

my SO did that too. I created a fake account and messaged him.. I asked im questions and he also said that he is single..blabla he also gave away his number and this girl asked him for hangging out togethe..he agreed. That hurt me so much that I wrote him a mail and told him that I want to end this between us.. He explained everything to me and with a lot of chatting and time past I forgave him..

Puh it's a hard thing you have to deal with. One option could be that you create a fake account chat for a time with her and ask if she wants a date. If she agree go on this date- she will be surpised if she sees you

[littleblue]

I don't think you should trick her into going on a date by creating a fake profile or account or whatever. Ask her again to delete it. Try not to get too wound up or angry, but it is important in a relationship to explain how it makes you feel. Let her know if you feel disrespected.

If she refuses to delete it, or continues to use the account after speaking to her again, I'm sorry to say it, but you aren't important enough to her, and deserve better anyway.

[lala]

I don't think you should trick her into going on a date by creating a fake profile or account or whatever. Ask her again to delete it. Try not to get too wound up or angry, but it is important in a relationship to explain how it makes you feel. Let her know if you feel disrespected.

If she refuses to delete it, or continues to use the account after speaking to her again, I'm sorry to say it, but you aren't important enough to her, and deserve better anyway.

aha I thought the same. But if he asks her to delete it she would just do it because he wants it. What if she deletes it and create an new one with another name??..

[Haley53]

aha I thought the same. But if he asks her to delete it she would just do it because he wants it. What if she deletes it and create an new one with another name??..

I don't mean to single you out, but to the OP, this is a good example of what oftentimes goes wrong.

The thing is that she's so shattered your trust through this experience that if you want to work on putting it back together with her, you're going to have to put in as much effort, if not more, than she is, because while you'll be entitled to having issues with trusting her etc., you won't be entitled to the same levels of paranoia as exhibited in the above post. And you are going to be hit with those paranoid thoughts and ideations, because you are going to have issues trusting her with this. If she deletes her account or simply stops using it, that's not going to prevent you from fretting and finding every possible scandal she could be pulling. Every normal glitch in her behaviour will likely come back to the possibility of her doing something similar to what she is now, meeting/seeing other people, etc. The thoughts are going to be intrusive. It's not going to be a situation where you confront her, she apologises, and all is dandy, and this is where you need to decide if it's worth it. Why? Because you will NOT have a right to access her accounts (snooping is wrong and in my opinion, shows a problem in the relationship even before all this happened), you will NOT have a right to monitor where she goes and with who, or to check in on her... All those things that would make you feel better in the moment? You aren't going to have a right to follow through on them.

What you're going to have to do is make the decision to forgive it and move on. This thing that's happened between you two? It's something you're going to need to put behind you. You cannot obsess over it, hold it against her, continue to allow yourself to freak-out about it or have her coddle those anxieties, and you cannot dwell on it as best as you can. You cannot use it as an excuse for your behaviour, to justify your behaviour, or to make something that previously wasn't okay okay now, and I think a lot of people tend to have issues with this. It's why a lot of people may not be broken up by the original behaviour but are broken up because of the conflict and tension that arises after it; sometimes the person assumed they would go so far as to cheat (and I would almost count what your girlfriend did cheating) is the one who breaks it off, because they can't handle what's come of their decision. The thing is that this is one of those things that you can not hold onto resentment for, and a lot of people can't do that. I think it's worth thinking about and deciding whether or not she's worth it.

Four months is not that long. She may have decided that this relationship isn't worth it or she may decide she's not taking it seriously. Thing is that I would confront her about it. You snooped, it was wrong, but you did it, so own up to it. Don't play games like pretending to be someone else with a fake account, mentioning how much you care about her and how you don't want to lose her, etc. Be honest about it. Be straight. See what she says, and decide if it's something you both want to work through or not.

[lala]

ok so if she cares about him and considering as her bf would she be on a dating site and flirting with guys,telling them that she is single?? noo my dear! and it doesn't matter if they are 1months or 10 years together. This behaviour is not ok. It's up to you how you want to confront her. either you let it be and trust her or you talk to her and hope that she's honest to you or you creat a fake account and see if she would go on a date.. good luck with your decision! I wish you the best man

[Haley53]

ok so if she cares about him and considering as her bf would she be on a dating site and flirting with guys,telling them that she is single?? noo my dear! and it doesn't matter if they are 1months or 10 years together. This behaviour is not ok. It's up to you how you want to confront her. either you let it be and trust her or you talk to her and hope that she's honest to you or you creat a fake account and see if she would go on a date.. good luck with your decision! I wish you the best man

I agree, and I never said the length of time mattered. I would never okay this behaviour. My SO would be dumped by this point had I found this out. My point is that sometimes relationships aren't worth making work. If they'd been together three years, they have more of a history and a foundation. Being together four months, it may be worth it to cut their losses and break-up. If something happens this early on into a relationship, then I don't even think the very foundation is there, was my point. My point is also that he can't be playing games by making fake accounts. That's ridiculous. You either own up to it and work on the issue or you cut your losses and move on. I also don't know where I ever said she cared. o.O

[kteire]

I agree with Eclaire that you need to be upfront, don't try to entrap her by lying or faking being someone else. Just be honest and don't stoop to her level of deception. What she's doing is very hurtful, and it honestly doesn't sound like she's that invested. You deserve better, so for your own good you need to get it out in the open and decide how you want to move forward from it.

Sorry to hear it, and good luck!!