Controlling father may ruin us

[Jezah]

HBB's dad has declared me enemy number 1. Apparently because HBB spends a majority of his spare time talking to me, I am 'controlling' his life according to his father. We get maybe 4 hours to talk when he gets home from work, today was his last day at that job till March though, and his dad blew a gasket. He has said that me and HBB can only talk ONCE A WEEK. Once a week for like 5 hours. Are you kidding me? I love HBB but I am not superhuman, I cannot maintain a LDR with no contact (for no reason too) 6 out of 7 days. He is off trying to talk his dad out of it, but if he can't....I cant do it. I can't! I know some of you are superhuman and can function being unable to talk frequently but I am not one of those people. Not to mention you probably would at least get txts a few times a day or something, I would be cut off not knowing anything. I do not get it, I did nothing to his dad. However his dad apparently blames me for all the things he thinks HBB isn't doing. He has no idea most of those things I actually sit and ENCOURAGE HBB to do. I am his dads ally on most of these issues, but for some reason his dad refuses to believe that and sees me as nothing but trouble.

My stomach is in knots, this is the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with....and now it looks like that may not happen. I am so scared, and angry.

[Domberry Pie]

Please don't leave your SO over family problems if you are both adults who are 18+. I don't usually post on here but I felt like I needed to say something. If you love each other and see a future with each other then try, really try, to talk to him once a week. Perhaps your SO could even talk to his dad about instead of one day, maybe breaking the time up over the week. (Like for instance, he is allowed to talk everyday but only for 30 minutes or something)

I'm giving up my family for my SO. Basically they will never talk to me again and/or hate me when I move away. I'm okay with that because I believe I'm doing the right thing. If my family had their way I would be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life. So sometimes accommodating family when it comes to our LDRs isn't the way to go but in your case maybe something can be worked out.

[Dziubka]

I think before we can give any advice
How old is your boyfriend?
Do his parents support him?
Does he have a job?
Can he move out of his parents'?


To me, limited contact, if it was only temporal, wouldn't even be that bad. However, it would be a deal breaker if my grown up, independent boyfriend didn't stand up against his parents, if they were being obviously unreasonable. Or if he didn't try to emancipate himself from his parents.

[Jezah]

HBB is 23, his dad and mom are divorced and he is living with his dad. His dad supports him you could say, in that he owns the house HBB lives in. However HBB isn't mooching, he is trying hard to get employment, he even just finished 4 weeks of 30+ hours at a retail store unpaid so he could get a reference to get a paying job. HBB pays for his own gas, would pay for his own food if his dad let him. He does constant chores for his dad (his dad does NOTHING, he is a retired army officer and apparently since he has 3 sons it means he can make them do all the chores).

He has been gone for an hour now, so I think the talk went bad since I have had no txts or skype with him...I think his dad took his phone and comp without even letting him tell me. There is the possibility he could go live with his mom, but I know he doesn't want that since his dogs and the car he would need to get to work is at his dads (shared with his brothers). I just don't know since I have a feeling I will not hear from HBB for a while now...

[Sierra]

I think before we can give any advice
How old is your boyfriend?
Do his parents support him?
Does he have a job?
Can he move out of his parents'?


To me, limited contact, if it was only temporal, wouldn't even be that bad. However, it would be a deal breaker if my grown up, independent boyfriend didn't stand up against his parents, if they were being obviously unreasonable. Or if he didn't try to emancipate himself from his parents.

I agree.

When I was younger I was in a relationship, living under my mom's roof, and she frequently did everything in her power to keep me away from him. But you know what? Her house, her rules.

I had enough and moved out.


ETA: If he's 23 maybe it's time to spread his wings and get out of the control of his parents.

[Dziubka]

It's just my personal view, but if my boyfriend was in situation like this and wouldn't do anything about it, I would most likely not accept it.

As long as you're a kid and depend on your parents, there's not much you can do. It sucks, but you've got to work with what you got until you're independent enough to stand on your own. However if my boyfriend was old enough to work or be independent off his parents in any other way, I'd expect him to do that. I know it's not easy, but neither is living with controlling parents. He's 23 years old (does he have an education or is planning to get one?) there's no need for him to live with his parents, especially if they have unreasonable rules.
I would feel like I was dating a 10 year old, rather than a grown up man - and that's not very attractive.

It's like the sentence in Engel's signature:
If it's important, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.

[yaz722]

23 and his dad is telling him who he can and can't talk to and how long for? Sorry but I would not accept that.

[Engel]

It's just my personal view, but if my boyfriend was in situation like this and wouldn't do anything about it, I would most likely not accept it.

As long as you're a kid and depend on your parents, there's not much you can do. It sucks, but you've got to work with what you got until you're independent enough to stand on your own. However if my boyfriend was old enough to work or be independent off his parents in any other way, I'd expect him to do that. I know it's not easy, but neither is living with controlling parents. He's 23 years old (does he have an education or is planning to get one?) there's no need for him to live with his parents, especially if they have unreasonable rules.
I would feel like I was dating a 10 year old, rather than a grown up man - and that's not very attractive.

It's like the sentence in Engel's signature:
If it's important, you'll find a way, if not, you'll find an excuse.

I agree. he isn't a kid anymore, he should be able to stand up for himself and tell his father it is HIS relationship. maybe reduce the talking per day to 2 hours most days? so he can get his chores done at least. but as long as he does what he is supposed to do, I really wouldn't accept what his father wants to do, if I were him.

and I understand you, I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with no communication at all most of the time. talk 4 days a month? that isn't a relationship. thats how much i communicate with some friends of mine, and not that close friends sometimes. so for me, talking only for times a month? i wouldn't be able to do it either

[goalie_girl34]

He's 23, tell him to stand up to his father. It's not an issue of money so his dad really should have no say of it regardless of whether your SO is under his roof. But really, your SO should be telling his father that his request is rediculous and that he's an adult. But also, why is he still living at home at 23? I went away to college for a few years and regrettably had to come back and live at home for the past almost a year now. I'll be 21 this month and I really really want to be out of my mom's house I just havent been able to get the money together.

[digitalfever]

HBB's dad has declared me enemy number 1. Apparently because HBB spends a majority of his spare time talking to me, I am 'controlling' his life according to his father. We get maybe 4 hours to talk when he gets home from work.

Just want to clarify that you guys talk everyday for the most part after he gets home form work for four hours?

[SquishyLove]

So it's not ok for you to "control" his life but his dad thinks it's ok for him to control his life? Dad has some serious issues! This makes me angry for you and HBB to read. Ugh! And by law, his dad has no right to control his actions even if he is living with him. That's just stupid. He needs to stand up for himself!

[Jezah]

Well all I got from HBB was a few txts saying "We had a long conversation and we can talk about it all tomorrow. I am exhausted". I was upset, as for 2 hours I was in a blind panic about wth just happened, so I pried. He skirted my requests for a phone call (either he was so tired he didn't care about what state he left me in, or his dad was monitoring the call) but said "Basically we are going to get to talk a lot less, like maybe once a week at first". I am so upset, I feel like a chunk of me just got ripped out, I BEGGED him to call but instead he just stopped responding to my txts. I don't even know WHEN he will call. He seemed so...ok with it, and that just makes it worse. I fear somehow his dad convinced him I was bad for him, or we are 'unhealthy' as his dad stated.

Even if he didn't, how can I do this? Go from talking minimum 4 hours each night to 4 DAYS A MONTH? Most likely even then those calls would be monitored by his dad who, imho is a raving lunatic at this point. HBB is JUST TAKING IT. He has ways out, to go stay with friends or his mom, but he sounded resigned to do what his dad asks in this last txt convo. How could he leave me hanging? I am so upset I can't even eat. I also, on top of it all have very well founded abandonment issues and this is just sending those issues into red zone. I almost feel like I want to break up, because at least then I get some closure and I can move on somehow. I love him so much, but I am 25 years old, independent living on my own and to be with a boyfriend who lets his father dictate his life and his relationship with me is too much. I am over this adolescent BS, that last time a boyfriend was told how often he could talk to me we were 17. I don't know how much love counts for under these circumstances.

[Jezah]

Also, we tried reasoning....or I told HBB a concession he could make. It was going to be that HBB would only talk to me after dinner (like 7pm). That way he had the entire day to do what he needed to, but we got a few hours each night. I mean, what could he even do after 7pm in winter? Its dark. Apparently his dad didn't agree to that, so as far as reasoning with that insane man...no luck.

[digitalfever]

If you feel like this sort of behavior is inexcusable then I would advise you to do what is best for you as you and only you really know where you stand with this situation 100%. I’d say to follow the 24 hour rule though and sleep on it and then by this time tomorrow reflect on what you want when you are clearer of mind.

[Dziubka]

I would like to say/ask two more things on this.

Firstly, I think it's important to point out that it's not his controlling father that may ruin you, but your boyfriend's passivity (passiveness? It's early, my brain doesn't work). At his age he can't shift the responsibility on his dad anymore. If his dad is that controlling and impossible to live with it's high time for him to stand on his own feet. Take out a student loan (education is one of the very few things I think it's totally ok to get in debt for), find a job, move in with a roommate. I know that it's hard, I myself was dirt poor during my first semester, but there's always a way.
From a certain age on, you can't make your parents responsible for your wellbeing anymore.

Secondly, I find it somewhat hard to imagine that this issue hasn't come up before. In your ticker it says you've been together for more than 9 months. In all this time, has his controlling dad never been an issue? It might be just me, but like I said, I can't believe that this came all of a sudden out of the blue? You don't have to answer this if you're uncomfortable, but if there have been problems before, did they never alarm you? Especially seeing as you're living on your own independently.
It's always easier to judge from retrospective or an outside perspective, but I sometimes get the impression (not only from here, it's mostly my friends actually!) that people need to listen to their gut feeling more and be more sensitive to red flags. Not actively look for them, when everything's fine, but as nice as those rose-coloured glasses are and as fun as it is to float bissfully on cloud nine, don't close your eyes to any issues that might arise.