Having a hard time, dying cat

[Jezah]

So, the run down. My cat, my baby is dying. This is the cat that has IBD and Pancreatitis and I have been nursing through it all for years. Ups and downs, I cook her own dinner for her, she sleeps under the covers with me at night, she is the first one to yell for me when I open the door home and she is dying. We are not sure why, its like her body is just done. She is sleeping all the time, not eating and I know she is suffering. The vet gave her a week to recover, and a week expires Monday. I am having to give her pain meds, fluids and try and get her to eat...but its not working. The decision has been made that unless she wakes up Monday much improved she will be sent off to kitty heaven.

On top of this my father's benign brain tumor (hes had it since I was like 15, almost forgot he had it) is growing and he is getting very ill. He is anemic and they are sending him to a oncologist. My life feels like it is falling apart, and HBB is nowhere to be found, at least not how it matters. His dad has let up, 'allows' me and HBB to talk on the phone at night after he does all his house work and stuff but no computer. Yet HBB is too busy at night, or tired, or distracted to really be there. I know its not his fault, he doesn't know HOW to comfort me and he can't fight back against his dad without risking losing it all. Yet, I still resent him. I am still so mad. I feel abandoned, left to deal with this on my own and cry myself to sleep. Its gotten so bad that I almost can't open up to him, I feel like I have a wall that I can't break through. Tonight though, I needed him as today was the day I decided Pooka (my cat) was being put to sleep Monday. Yet he stayed up all night watching movies with his dad and getting drunk, so when he got on cam he was tired and less than supportive. We had a one hour Skype call (his dad has not taken his computer yet) before he fell asleep. We fought too, me essentially telling him he wasn't there for me and I was hurt. He was to tired to deal with it, I suggested he tell his dad what was going on and he said back "All my dad is going to say is its HER problem, what can you do about it?" and I was almost shocked. Shocked because when he said it it sounded like he believed it, that he couldn't do anything about it so why try? I then snapped back "Well then whats the point of having a boyfriend then? I guess there isn't, sleep well" and hung up. He didn't even try and call back, or txt or anything, he left it at that. All the pain I am in and he left it at THAT.

About 30 minutes ago I broke down and started bawling, the whole thing about Pooka hit me. I was sobbing and needed someone, anyone, desperatly. My parents were in bed with ringer off and HBB was unable to be reached by repeated txts even though I asked him days ago to keep his phone near and able to wake him in case Pooka died in the middle of the night. I am just so ALONE. HBB is not here for me, and frankly never has been, since I rarely ask him to be.

Am I being a bitch? Am I being selfish for needing him when my heart feels about to rip apart? Pooka isn't a pet, to me these last years she became my baby, like a child to me and now I have to watch her die...not only watch her but tell the vet to kill her. No nice terms of 'put to sleep' or 'put down' sugarcoat it, my baby is going in on Monday so I can tell the vet to inject poison into her and stop her heart. I just need him, but he isn't here and is unable to be, or unwilling

[Dauntedpoet]

I am so sorry honey. I know exactly how this feels.. I lost a canine baby shortly after losing my father and my mother. They let me hold him while he went to sleep. I'm sorry you feel so alone. We are all right here for you. I happen to be in the same city as you. If you need coke/coffee and a chat Monday or this week I'm off 9-2..you PM me and I'll give you my cell. I will be thinking of you.

[ChrisJones]

But you know you aren't alone right? You have this whole community of people on this site who you can talk to pretty much 24/7. I know it will be hard to lose Pooka, I work at an animal hospital and see it everyday. It is never an easy ending and I know you just said nothing can sugarcoat it. But Pooka will be in a better place where she won't be suffering anymore <3 I know that you love Pooka and you won't want her to be in pain anymore <3

[carolynred]

Oh girly your post broke my heart. You're not being a bitch or selfish, you're just being human more than anything. I have had to put a few pets down in the past, and I know its never a good experience. I'm so sorry to hear about your father as well. I will be keeping you and him in my prayers. As for your SO, maybe he just doesn't know how to make you feel better thus causing him to not look supportive? If I was in your shoes I would have felt the same exact way if my SO did not try to help me. However, if the poor guy is exhausted I bet its very difficult to be emotionally supportive when he's got problems with his dad on the other end. You both are in difficult places in your lives, but don't feel like you're alone ok? We are all here for you. Keep your head high, whatever you are going through may be tough, but it will make you stronger in the end.

Feel free to PM me if you need someone to vent to! Like I said, you'll be in my prayers!

[Jezah]

@ Dauntedpoet <3 I PMed you, thank you so much

I know its merciful, how it goes, I worked at a vet all throughout my teen years. I actually wanted to be a vet for a while before the constant day to day of seeing pets dying and in pain changed that. I have seen the good euthanasia's, but the one and only time I was there for a pet I owned the euthanasia went bad and it scarred me. Tasha (my first cat) actually screamed for a moment as the meds went in, I was actually sick to my stomach after. So the idea of putting my tiny little girl through that kills me. This is the kitty who we adopted from the vet clinic I worked at because she was one of a litter of kittens dropped of on the door. She was the runt, and with her littermates around she was wasting away, never able to get to the food, and the vet signed her euthanasia order. I begged him to let me take her and nurse her, and he let me. Needless to say 13 years later I never regretted it. She always stayed small, 5lbs at healthy weight, and we found out when she was spayed she was born with only one kidney and one ovary. She was a miracle kitty who by all means should never have survived, but what a fighter. Even as a baby at the clinic she earned her nickname velcro kitten as when you opened the top of the cage she would jump out and latch onto my scrubs like a piece of velcro.

She is such a fighter, so to see her give up, its almost to hard to bare. I want to fight for her, but no money for tests + her suffering now...I think I have to let her go. Its just so painful, I feel like a bad mommy to her

[lademoiselle]

I don't know what to say apart from how very sorry I am. Reading your posts makes my heart ache... I can only imagine how you must be feeling Of course you aren't alone though, please never forget that. There's nothing selfish whatsoever in needing your SO's support at such a difficult time; it's a real shame that circumstances seem to be against the two of you at the moment. I'm sure it won't be forever though! I'll be keeping you, your father and Pooka in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you the best of luck

[SquishyLove]

I understand your pain and what you are going through right now as I went through the same thing a few different times in my life with beloved pets. They aren't just animals, they are family! *HUGS* It's a heartbreaking thing to go through! If you can hang out with your family or some close friends sometime soon for some distraction, I definitely would! You aren't completely alone and there are people you can lean on in your life!

As far as HBB not really being there, I just have to say I wish he would be and that you deserve more support from the person who wants to be your life partner. Maybe he's just not equipped with the maturity to handle this situation and doesn't know how to help, but it's not a proper excuse for not helping you out. Your SO should be there to support you through hard times and it shouldn't just be "your problem."

I hope soon you can find solace and comfort!

[books]

I am really sorry you are having to go through this right now. I can really relate to to the pain that is felt when you lose a pet. A few years ago, I lost my cat that was seriously my whole world. I cried...and you know what, some people got it and some didn't. I'm not saying your SO has to "get it"...but he should sure as hell be there for you. I know you love your SO a lot (that really comes across in all of your posts), but he sounds very immature and selfish in some ways. You are not being a bitch and he should absolutely make it a priority to comfort you in whatever way he can while you go through this.

[Haley53]

I agree with books, to be honest.

Reading this made my heart wrench. I am also extremely bonded with my cat, and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it when his time comes. He's 13, currently, and healthy, but that time with him sped by, and I worry. I have done it before, had a pet put down, a couple of times, actually, but I realise that if and when my cat's time comes, especially if I have to make that decision, I am going to fall apart. And that is why reading about your dear Pooka broke my heart in the way that it did.

I'm not sure what you believe in, as far as what you believe happens after death, but I do believe that if it's anything I have learned from my cat, it's that they have an intelligence that surpasses ours in ways. I don't mean they could sit and do better on the SATs. I mean intelligence in intuition. I do feel that cats are very "spiritual" animals, and maybe "spiritual" is the wrong word, simply that when it comes to cats, I feel there's this heightened and deeper awareness, this knowing, and I don't think it's restricted to cats, either (my believing they're more advanced is a bias belief, I'm sure); I think animals in general are more advanced than humans in that way. And I think that when it comes to animals, they know when it's time to go, and I don't think they let go unless they know you're going to be okay. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, that you won't cry, that it won't hurt for a while - having lost beloved pets before, I can empathise - but I do think that animals, in general, are better about coming to terms with death than humans, and because of that, I tend to trust in their timing, however bitter the goodbye.

You aren't a bad mother, however. Another thing my cat has taught me and I'm sure Pooka showed you is the amount of love that can be shared between a human and an animal is incredible. It's beyond comprehension to me to know that something out there can love unconditionally, with unconditional positive regard, etc. and that I was blessed to have it in my life, but they were blessed too. So was Pooka. You took care of the runt of the litter, you loved her despite everything. Despite the fact you had to nurse her, cook her her food, and so on... You think everyone would have done that? Because they wouldn't've. And Pooka knows and feels that love and compassion. It's not at all as if she's detached from the amount that you love her and care about her, or that she's even ignorant to how hard this is for you. But you've loved her unconditionally, in the same way she's loved you, never given up on her the way so many people would, and Pooka knows that. She knew you were her mommy maybe even before you did. :P Pooka would not at all consider you a bad mother, and you should not feel like a bad mother either.

We sometimes have to make those painful decisions, and that's where it comes back to our animals knowing better than we do. When we put our dog down... He had one other option we could have tried, an extremely expensive surgery, but they weren't sure he'd even survive it. We did consider the option, but in the end, we realised that as hard as it was going to be, euthanasia was our choice. You may think us a bit kooky, because we did also speak to an animal communicator, but even before that, we were aware that it was Biscuit's time to go. And it's a hard realisation to come to, because you worry about whether or not you're making the right decision, you fret about all the possible treatment options you can't always afford, but they don't do that. They don't look at death in the same way that humans do. She's not looking at this like you could maybe pay for expensive treatments and she'd maybe get better. She's looking at this as that it's her time, you have taken amazing care of her, and you are temporarily parting but your souls and spirits will likely cross again. She knows everything you've done for her, everything you give to her, and she feels the energy from the love that you radiate outward. There's no possible way you could ever be a bad mother to her. You loved her. You took care of her. You opened your heart to letting her love you too. In doing so, you gave her everything she could have ever needed or wanted.

As for your SO, I agree with books that I, too, feel he's being selfish, but it's possible he's one of the people that doesn't get it. I had a friend a while ago, who I actually ended my friendship with around the same time we put our dog down, who didn't get it. He was my best friend. I craved his support when it came to putting down Biscuit. Yet all he could come up with was, "it's a dog" and "it's a pet. You know they die." He'd never had animals and therefore could never understand what it's like to own them. :/ But it still hurt. Because I needed support in that time more than I needed anything. I don't think you're being a bitch, though. I think you're being human and I think you're hurting and I think you're seeking out the support of someone who doesn't quite understand the situation, and because there's that lack of understanding, he's not being what you need, and you're hurt by that. But just because he might not immediately "get it," get what this whole situation means, it doesn't mean he shouldn't be there in all the ways he can. It doesn't mean he shouldn't care or even ask you what you need from him. When things cool down, I might suggest trying to communicate to him that you really do need his support during this time, whether or not he understands why, and then tell him what you need from him and go from there.

[usmcgirl]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so, so sorry. I know how it feels and I know almost exactly what you're going through. First of all, big big big hugs! Second of all, you're not being a bitch, or selfish. If anything, you're being a normal human being. Pooka obviously means a lot to you and your boyfriend isn't here when you need him to be. You're not alone though, as others have said. You've got the entire LFAD community at your finger tips. I wish I could be more helpful but I can't. PM me if you need anything at all. you're in my prayers, honey.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

If it makes you feel any better, Pooka doesn't know she's going to be put down. She's not dreading it like you are. Your job as her owner--as her family--- is to keep her happy, safe, and healthy. Keeping her alive and in pain wouldn't be right. When cats stop eating and drinking, it definitely is time. Being good family to her now is letting her go gently rather than having her suffer. Give her the best last few days you can, that's the way.

I've lost a cat I was very close to (her name was Marcie. I had her from when I was 3 until her death two years ago) and I understand that cats become family. But some people haven't had pets like that and haven't had that connection. Don't get upset at them - feel bad for them! They never knew the wonder of growing up with an animal or raising a pet from infancy or saving one from death and accepting them into your home. You'll always have support here with us. As for your SO, tell him that you need his support and love and lots of cuddles. If it's possible, try to do a mini-date night or something Monday night. Have lots of tissues and a movie ready to go. Tell him that you need him to just listen and be extra loving with you that night. You could try talking to him about Pooka and telling him what she means to you. But if that doesn't make him understand, ask him to just be gentle and caring with you, even though he doesn't get it.

A couple tips to make the next couple days the best they can be:
Take tons of pictures of Pooka these last few days. You'll treasure every single one later on. Also, could you post one on here? I do love cat pictures.
If she is willing to eat, let her eat anything and everything. A little can of something extra delicious won't hurt, and neither would some cat nip or any other treats.
These next few days, the cat can do whatever she wants. Sunbeams? Check. Sitting in your chair? All she wants. Watching birds? Hold her up to the window so she can see.
Don't go to the vet alone.
Cut off a little bit of her fur to keep.
When you take her to the vet, don't bother with the cat carrier; it'll just stress her out. Take her in a towel or a nice warm blanket. If she has one she likes, take her in that one.

Also, *hugs*.

[Engel]

I am so very sorry you need to go through all that. I have pets all my life and is never easy to let go of one, specially if we need to make a decision to put them to sleep. I am so very sorry, if you want, please please send me a pm! or tell me when you will be on Skype and i will do my best to get on to talk to you!

---------- Post added at 12:33 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:30 AM ----------

Also, if you get her cremated... I found something that maybe you would like:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/5523462...ad-small-focal

or

https://www.etsy.com/listing/6540471...lace-your-pets

[lucybelle]

My mom always says the worst thing about pets is they die before you. My mom had a dog for only 2 years when it was diagnosed with cancer. The cancer left, then came back about a year later. My mom had to put her down and I don't think I've seen my mom that devastated since her father died. Pets are part of the family, and it hurts when they go.

Best wishes. Know that you're doing the right thing.

[Zapookie]

Jezah my heart goes out to you! You're not a selfish person at all. I don't really know what to say because everyone before me has already written it so well, but just know that you have a whole community here to support you and I'm always available to talk! Pooka loves you, you have not been a bad mother. You gave her everything she could ask for and she provided you with that unconditional love. Maybe you could have a celebration of her life. Throw a little party and give her one of her favourite things. This isn't the end for her. Her body may leave this earth but, her spirit will live with you. She'll be with you, like a little guardian angel (this is how I like to think of my lost pets). Be sad, cry, but know that her suffering will cease and she will have her place in kitty heaven, eating all her favourite foods and chasing birds all day.

[Jezah]

She passed away on March 20th, first day of spring...at 5:03pm, before her vet appt at 5:30pm. In a way, it was very Pooka, always doing things her way. My mother was on her way to get us, since I knew I would be unable to drive after and I had just gotten off the phone when I heard a odd noise from the bedroom. I went in and Pooka was there, breathing deeply with a slight wheeze and they slowly got slower until they stopped. My mother says it was her last gift to me, to take the guilt off my shoulders at having to put her down myself. She just slipped away, her little body (she was only ever 5lbs healthy) just gave up the fight and she let go. I am in deep mourning, my world feels so much emptier, but I know that is just me as she is in a much better place with all the kitties she knew and loved that had passed before her. I never knew until she passed how much this needy always clingy little grey kitty meant to me, and how much I needed HER as much as she needed me.

HBB has been there as much as he can, last night I couldn't stop crying, that keening sort of cry that was half moaning and half sobs...yet he stay on the phone with me till early morning when I cried myself into exhaustion. Today he has been so sweet, making me smile all day with kind words and just overall doing the best he knows how to make this hurt less.

A memorial picture



Then one that always makes me laugh, her being grumpy as mama gives her a big kiss