So why are people against Long Distance Relationships?

[Biscous]

I know I know, they don't most work for people. Right. So do most relationships in general. Why not risk it if you love someone? I'm getting frustrated with dealing with the naysayers in my GF's and I relationship. I do my best to shield and protect her from that sort of negativity in our relationship because it will harbor uncertainties, insecurity, and ultimately break us apart.

I've been Long Distance with my girlfriend since September. When I left her in August there was uncertainty about us being together. We thought it was over, we didn't talk for nearly a month, but we slowly decided we wanted to be with each other. We've been fortunate to see each other in October, November, December, January, March ranging from a few days to a big stretch of three weeks during her winter break. We love each other a lot, communicate daily, we joke around, have fun, strongly sexually attracted to one another, despite all of the distance we have. She's coming to see me in less than two weeks. Ideally we will be together at the end of May this year so less than two months away. Depending on school it might be extended to August, but I doubt it at this moment.

Anyways I was irritated at my aunt suggesting to me that I should let my girlfriend go, pursue other options, see other people. She even suggested to me that I don't even tell her. This is a bit appalling to me. When I'm with someone I'm with them and put full commitment into the relationship. I know my gf's friend attempts to dissuade her from the relationship also and we got into arguments about her friend. Funny thing she tried to add me on Facebook for some reason...after talking about me so much behind my back.

I'm just venting this frustration out. I would think that more people would be more encouraging of LDRs and more supportive because it is already hard enough without hearing all the outside flak from naysayers.

[LilyChiba]

I wouldn't say 'it doesn't work for most people' because that's not the case. It is because people are so used to the negative that they hardly mention the positive. That works in most aspects, whether you close the distance or break up, whether you have a fight or get engaged. You're more likely to hear the bad things than the good.

That out of the way, family can be a very big pain when it comes to LDRs. Yes, they are being protective, but my own personal vantage on seeing how they act is atrocious. You say one thing to my mother and she takes it out of context completely and such was the case 2 weekends ago when I went to visit her, my aunt and uncle. My uncle decided to say how he had been to Philadelphia, long story short, what she got from it was 'he doesn't sleep and he lives in an area with drugs and being half black, he must be on cocaine.'. So she called my SO a cocaine user when she herself sleeps about the same hours he does.

That very aunt last year made a rather racist remark, and my mother on my bday last year said 'what's wrong with Australian men'. So people are always going to think badly of LDRs unless they are shown otherwise. I wouldn't even let it bother you, just brush it off and do you. It doesn't matter about anyone else except for you and her.

[11MikesGirl21]

This ended up being extremely long. I'm sorry.

I think there are a lot of reasons. The love and commitment required to make a LDR work is rare, in my experience anyway. Since that kind of love is so rare in CD couples, people doubt that people who don't even see each other can possibly have that kind of love. My boyfriend's friend from high asked him about our relationship, my boyfriend told him that it was long distance and his friend's reaction was, "Well you know that's just another form of cheating." WHAT!! My own dad didn't quite get that we wouldn't be seeing other people while we were long distance. He knew we could do it, he was just surprised and seemed confused that we had that intention and were firmly set in it.

It's also a fear of the unknown. If someone has never done it, it can be scary. They've never done it. They don't think they could do it. So, there's not way in hell that anyone else could.

It takes a certain kind of person, a very strong and independent person to be in a LDR. If I was in anyway (more) dependent on my boyfriend (I depend on him for stuff like support when I'm upset, to talk to me regularly, etc.) I know this wouldn't work.

There's also something to be said to be said for how physical relationships quickly become these days and the emphasis of sex. Yes, I realize that has always been there, but there's a HUGE difference, I think, between making love to someone you're truly in love with and committed to and a fuck-buddy you occasionally date. Even though we started out CD I fell for my boyfriend's personality way before my physical attraction for him caught up. I mean I loved him for him, not what he looked like. His appearance had NOTHING to do with how I felt about him. I just don't see that a lot. It's always, "he's so cute, I want to fuck him." or "she's so fine, I'd do her all night long." It's never or it's very rarely, "I just like talking to him." "I'm drawn to him." "I'm happy just playing a video game with them."

All those pile up and then people project it on to you. Don't take it personally or let it get to you. You know what you have and you know what you want. Hold on to it and don't let it go.

[blankita719]

They act that way because they don't know. There is a higher level of commitment in LDR's, and it takes a very strong person to handle the challenges. Ignore the naysayers. It's true that sometimes LDR's don't work out, but not all close distance relationships do either. There is no guarantee that if I met someone right here that we would last any longer than I have with my SO. Just stay strong and come here often to vent That's what we all do!

[lucybelle]

Because people are afraid of things they don't understand.

[kittyo9]

I find that mostly it is just as Lucybelle said-- people fear what they don't understand. They see you as entering a relationship with a non-entity, because for them, this person doesn't exist "in real life"... so why should they exist for you?

For people who meet online, most of the concerns I hear are safety related, but these concerns also tend to come from people who are not very internet-literate and have never really had the experience of making friends online. They also don't understand that there are numerous ways to tell pretty quickly if the person isn't who they say they are or their motives aren't what they appear to be. Nay-sayers are often caught up on popular media ideas like the internet swarming with pedophiles and people who lie about who they are. Realistically, that just isn't the case, and these notions have given internet dating a bad name, hence the stigma.

For long-distance relationships in general, people seem to have the idea that because you are not together, it gives you free reign to do whatever you like with whomever you like nearby, completely ignoring the commitment factor and assuming that your relationship "must not be serious" if you aren't physically intimate 24/7 (an exaggeration, of course, but you get the idea). This is a very narrow-minded approach, as it completely undermines the responsibilities that come with a "relationship"-- any relationship-- and ignores the fact that your partner is a human being with real emotions and real feelings for you, as well as genuine concern for your well-being. They seem not to believe that partners who are apart can care for one another and are instead selfish and deceitful, for the sole reason that their partner is not present.

A big portion of that revolves around sex... or, well, the lack of it. Many people express their concerns along the lines of, "How can you go so long without it?!" Some couples allow open relationships in order to keep this from being an issue, while others remain in exclusive relationships while apart and instead forego sexual encounters until they meet again. In either case, outsiders will find something wrong with it. In open relationships, they will assume that because you are not physically tied to your partner but you are able to find physical affection elsewhere, your "relationship" will crumble and you will quickly find someone nearby to replace them. In exclusive relationships, they will assume you are sexually frustrated and while your partner is off galivanting with as many partners as they wish without informing you, again assuming the worst in people and ignoring self-pleasure. They really do not seem to believe that two people can remain committed to one another without a physical relationship, which is kind of disappointing because it says a little about their own relationships.

[SDPersona]

LDRs are a relatively new phenomenon due to the globalization and the growing improvement of technology, so of course people who haven't heard of it aren't going to accept or understand it. Which means there are a lot of prejudices and myths going around in the heads of those who have a very negative or narrow-minded attitude to everything that is a new concept. It was the same way with the concept of single parents or patchwork families some years ago. If I were you, I'd pay those naysayers no mind and continue on the path that you are on.

[Biscous]

Thanks for the kind words. I definitely believe I am on the right track. Another thing I've heard from my aunt is since I'm in a new location, why not explore and see what other women are out there? Somewhat a valid point, but I really don't go half way in a committed relationship, trade up, or monkey branch into others. The thing is about my GF's and I meet was it was so serendipitous that I cannot imagine why she wouldn't be in my life. We had no connection to each other besides being in the same place at the same time. That has to mean something and something no one else can replicate. Our memories are ours together. I might be able to find another woman, but not another her, which is true.

[Deleted]

People fear what they are unfamiliar to or what they have failed at. Distance seems to be a taboo where I live. It happens at meetings and such that everyone starts talking about their relationships and then suddenly one mentions to be in an LDR and people just go on to the next topic as if they found it too uncomfortable. I know others who just can't because they are the type of people who liek being in a relationship because it gives them extra chances to get out of home friday nights. Others are against because they've lived them and had bitter experiences. I guess there are many reasons why people can be "against" LDRs.

But others just learn to accept them because they see that there are people that make them work because they have enough commitment, strenght, and over it all, love. In my career we are only 20...most of the 20 have no relationships at all... and out of those, 4 are in LDRs which actually work. At first they were al negative about it but eventually they understood that there is charm in long distance relationships and now they even encourage us about our relationships and ask us every now and then how we are doing, just as normally as people ask about their couples CD. It makes me glad to see that we are kind of "teaching" our career mates that love knows no distance. Many people need to see to believe. They need to have living proof of relationships that work in order to believe it is possible.

I hope eventually more people get to believe in LDR...specially because society these days is afraid of commitment and LDR gives a very important lesson on it.

[efish1042]

My SO's family and mine were the same way. We haven't had much of that from friends or acquaintances, thankfully.
My SO and I will have been together 3 years tomorrow and his parents literally just finally accepted our relationship for what it is in the past two weeks. For a long time, they would be all that is nice (or passive aggressive, at least) and then try to get him together with other girls behind my back. Finally, they have accepted us and me and now we are on great terms (with a couple hard feelings still getting gotten over, of course).
My mother was much quicker to jump on the "acceptance" wagon. My dad has yet to.
Your aunt sounds like my SO's father. He said that they didn't have anything against me as a person, they just didn't want him to tie himself down to someone, especially so far away. They wanted him to explore his options just like dear old dad did when he was my SO's age. Once he got his opinion out there, his dad mostly stayed out of things. His mother was our main issue.
But like I said, things have gotten better now. We rode out our tidal waves together and I think in the end, their pushing only brought us closer together and made us stronger as a couple.
Just have faith and do what YOU feel is best. Respect others' advice - they just care about you - but take it with a grain of salt sometimes. It CAN work. It DOES work. You just have to shut others out and let it. Good luck!

[Tooki]

For me, I think it is because the average joe thinks about the fact you are always apart, before considering that there is still a relationship going on.

[Karringtyn]

Because people are afraid of things they don't understand.

Lucybelle said exactly what I was going to say!

[alesitag]

I guess, people tend to see LDRs as some sort of game for those who met their SOs online, and pretty much as an open relationship for those who started CD and went LD. Of course all sorts of "demotivations" will come your way:

"you barely/never get to see him/her"
"who knows what he/she's doing back there"
"He/She'll find someone else in his hometown"
"how can you love someone who is never with you?"

My own mother, when I first told her about my SO said it would be impossible. I told her nothing is impossible, the she fired back saying it would be very difficult, I countered saying it would be hard, but not impossible. She started rambling, telling me she wouldn't want me to get hurt and that it would be terrible to see me brokenhearted and crying...

Guess what? tomorrow it'll be two months since we've been together and my mother hasn't said anything negative about my LDR again. She knows I'll be visiting my SO and she seems t be ok with it. I guess when people see you're truly happy, they start realizing it is real, just slightly different from a "conventional" relationship.

My three best friends in the whole world are so happy for me, they don't even care anymore if my SO is here or not!!

But of course, if I tell anyone else my SO lives in Canada, and we've never met in person, I get that weird look kind of saying "don't you think you're a bit old for that?" but I bet I'm happier with my LDR now, than I ever was in my two last CDRs.

[Xanahtas]

I got so much sh*t from people when i got with Sud, everyone was saying "You've never met him, how can you love him?" and going on about how he could be cheating, how he could be a pedo, etc etc, people dont understand. They dont see how you can have a relationship with someone online because people think its all about physical things and not being able to see them and that. Ignore them. Best thing, if you believe, then thats all you need.

[Haley53]

Because people are afraid of things they don't understand.

I agree with this, and I really feel it's that simple.

People seem to want to complicate it. They tout themselves and their relationship. They romanticise their situation. A coping mechanism? Maybe, but I hardly think that the lack of understanding comes from the fact that most people in close-distance relationships don't have "what it takes" to make it work the same way people in long-distance relationships do, which is what so many people seem to think...

I agree with lucybelle. It's ignorance, in my opinion, more than anything.

For example, excepting for commercials for sites like eHarmony, what do you hear about the "big bad cyber world"? You hear how little 14-year-old Lucy was strangled because she went to meet 16-year-old Tim who turned out to be a 52-year-old child predator. You hear about how 11-year-old Mikey hung himself after being cyberbullied. Sure, there's the occasional eHarmony commercial where Lee met his soulmate, Kate, but for the most part, you hear about everything that happens on the big bad wolf of the internet.

Another example would be looking at comedy. Look at TV, movies, sketches... Who are the people who spend their time online? Who are the people that get wrapped up in cyber space? Who are the people that meet "online friends" and "online boy/girlfriends"? Oftentimes, they're portrayed as either the creeper in his mother's basement (again, purely negative/creepy) or as the overweight nerd with acne and glasses and uncombed hair who wouldn't be able to score a girl if he tried "IRL" (also negative). I think there's a stigma about online relationships, that they're what you turn to when you can't find someone in person. They're what you turn to when you're desperate. I think this is especially true the younger you are, as I think people tend to see online dating as more acceptable for people who are older, because they have less opportunities to meet people as a young person might, such as in clubs, school, etc.

When it comes to not seeing LDRs as relationships, I think it's somewhat similar to what 11MikesGirl21 said. I disagree that LDRs are any harder than CDRs, or that the people in them are at any heightened state or level (but like 11MikesGirl21, that's my experience and may not be everyone's), but I agree that LDRs might enhance communication for some couples. That being said, I think communication is a huge problem for many, many, many people, both those in LDRs and those in CDRs, and I think that because people don't understand the basics of close-distance communication, it's harder to understand a relationship where it's more or less sole communication. I also think it's hard for most people to understand why you'd be with someone you only get to hold - I don't think it's all about sex for everyone who mentions the importance of a physical side to relationships - a couple times a year.

In my opinion, it's a combination of the negative stigma that breeds the ignorance and the lack of understanding based on not only lack of understanding the "worth it" aspects of a LDR but also the basic components of how to have a relationship in the first place that causes people to become skeptics about LDRs.

And a side note: There's also the fact that, again, people tend to focus on the negatives, the drama. There are a lot of LDRs that don't work out, same as there are a lot of CDRs that don't work out, and I think people tend to focus on that and not on the minority number that do (I think the success of LDRs is similar to the success of high school relationships, but it's possible that that's down to an age demographic and not necessarily the circumstances themselves).