How do I get my boyfriend's head OUT of the future?

[thebroadwaybabe]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance for almost a year and a half, and we will be going to college together in the fall. We're excited and anxious to get the whole LDR thing over with, but my boyfriend simply cannot get his head out of the distant future. He's always thinking about what we would do if I studied abroad, or where we'd live after we graduate, or what would happen if he graduated before me... he worries about it constantly. In fact, he has said to me that he's worried about me being so serious about my career (I plan on being an actress and a writer) that I would leave him or him and our kids (he's eighteen, I'm seventeen and no, I'm not pregnant). He is a very sensitive, mature guy who had to take on a lot of responsibility as a kid after his father died, and I think that left him with a lot of issues with security and wanting to plan for everything. Whenever the issue of the distant future comes up, I usually try to tell him "We'll deal with it when we get there", or "We don't need to worry about it now", but we almost always end up arguing. No, fighting. That's a better word for it.

I seriously don't know what to do here. I don't want to be stuck planning for the rest of my life instead of living it. I don't even know if I'll be ABLE to study abroad, and yet he's the one who's constantly worrying about it. It makes me sad that he gets himself so upset, and I hate fighting with him. What do I do?

[Haley53]

If he's been predispositioned to need/seek security and a plan, it's possible the stress of a LDR is further bringing out that quality, simply because planning is such a part of the dynamic of being long-distance.

Do either of you have plans to meet one another? Have you met previously? I've found that between my SO and I, we tend to fantasise a lot more about the future and future visits if we don't have one planned, because it gives us something to hold onto and something to aim for. When we have a visit planned, yes, we still talk about the future, but we're more focused on the solid piece of reality we have ahead of us. If you two don't have any real, solidified plans to meet or be with one another in person yet, it's possible he's spouting off every possibility because it helps him cope with the distance, same as one might fantasise about being with the person they love that they're apart from. It's more or less an accepted form of denial, and I think that everyone does it, really, but for some, it helps them cope more than others.

When you tell him you don't need to worry about it currently, why does that often end up in an argument? Who tends to lose their cool first? Is there a particular phrase or wording of things that seems particularly triggering to him? One thing I'd consider doing is sitting him down and asking him where he's coming from. You know where you're coming from, but have you ever approached him with something other than "we'll deal with it when we get there"? Consider telling him that you know it's a sensitive issue, but because you value your relationship, it's something you want to work through and ask him if he's willing to share what upsets him when you say "we don't need to worry about that now" or ask him if he's willing to share why he's so set on discussing the future. Listen to what he has to say and really think about it. Don't infer that it's due to his father, but give him his time to speak. When he's done, then tell him that you understand it (assuming you do) but... and then explain why you don't like to be caught up in the future. You want to live in the moment with him, live in the moment and focus on yourselves as well as your relationship, as opposed to constantly thinking about things. You'd rather cross the bridge as you come to them. Then tell him, though, that you're wanting to find a compromise. Ask if he'd be willing to come up with one with you so that you're both happy and have a balanced amount of future-talk.

[thebroadwaybabe]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is really helpful. I do need to listen to him more and not be so dismissive. We are actually going to see each other in a little over two weeks (!!! yay!), but for some reason we always get super tense right before visits (and then the visits are fantastic). Does that ever happen to you?

---------- Post added at 03:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:10 PM ----------

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is so helpful... I do need to listen to him more and not be so dismissive. I'll talk to him about it tonight. We do actually have a visit planned very soon (April 19... yay!), but for some reason we always get a little tense right before we see each other (and then the visit comes and it's great). Does that ever happen to you? Or are we just weird?

[Haley53]

You're not weird at all for it. I'm on my phone so I will simply say I feel it's fairly normal. Both my boyfriend and I get tenser/more bickery as the visit gets closer and I know some others on LFAD who have expressed the same. I'd guess it's a matter of who handles nerves how more than anything.

[Biscous]

I think men, such as myself, think more logically rather than rely on their personal feelings or emotions of a situation, or at least TRY to. Believe you me, men try to control every aspect they can, if possible, of any situation so he is trying his best to think of the possibilities of you being together. Call it overthinking as you may be, but I can relate to his frustration and I can relate to yours. Men do this. We think it is healthy for the relationship.

Of course some level of management is okay, for example setting boundaries, planning times to visit, talking to each other. I definitely need to know the 'health' of the relationship between my SO and I so I can do something better. I bet your boyfriend is thinking about what he can do better to improve the relationship despite the distance and truly loves you.

You have to assure to him that you love him and appreciate these things but also allow you two to enjoy the beauty of the relationship unfolding. Tell him that you have to let go at times and roll with what lifes hand you. I think he wants to control that. He just needs to be assured by you more that you are there for him, you love him, and appreciate him. Best of luck!