=( Feeling Neglected -Overreacting??

[CarolinaGirl]

My boyfriend and I have always had a very good relationship. Obviously, it hasn't been perfect because no relationship ever really is; there are always ups and downs. But we've always been the type to be able to talk about everything, which is good because when we have problems, we always work it out.

However, the past couple months, I find myself frustrated with him. And nothing seems to be helping. Since we started going out, he’s always had time to talk to me, but now it's like I get every excuse in the book for why he can't. It's gone from talking every day for hours, to as little as 2, maybe 3 or 4 if I get lucky, times a week. And those little conversations 3 times a week might last a half hour. Now, I don't ask him to do things for me. But, I’ve been to mentioning to him that we don't talk enough a few times in the past couple months, and every time I do, it backfires on me, and he turns it into a "you never call/text me” thing, which makes me angry because I do call and text him, often. He just doesn't pick up/respond, or call me back. He then proceeds to give me the excuses: "I was busy...I was working...I had to go here and do this". A lot of bull, if you ask me. I have my own life too. I've given up a lot of my time when I'm not busy with preparing for college or working, time that I could be spending with family or friends, just to talk to him. Yet, I feel like I'm the only one going out of my way to please and make time for the other. I basically make my schedule based off of him, so I have time to talk to him, and end up disappointed when he can't talk to me, even though he knows when I am, or am not busy.

I bend over backwards just so we can talk-I'll even go as far as staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning, if we haven't texted much during the day, which is increasingly more often than not. Then I end up angry about that too because he'll tell me he's tired and wants to go to bed...ummm there's a three hour time difference, it's 5 in the morning for me, and you're complaining because it's 2 for you, and I ask you to stay up for a little while longer for me, and all I hear is, "but babyyyy..." and of course he goes to bed, and my staying up late has been wasted. Then I sit there feeling dejected.

I keep trying to find new ways for us to talk too, to help with his “busy-ness”. We usually talk on the phone or text because it’s easiest. But lately, he's been having a lot of issues with his phone. So, I suggested he make a facebook so we could talk. He very quickly and flatly told me facebook was stupid and a complete waste of time, so no. Then, I couldn't help but feel this uncomfortable pang inside, like he didn't really want to talk to me, or that I wasn't important enough to do that for. But, I know you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to, so I didn’t say anything more.

But, there's been more than one occasion where I've been feeling like that. Like I send him lots of things in the mail, so he knows that I'm thinking about him and to show him I love him. I've gotten one package, that honestly, I wasn't all that happy with because while I did like a lot of the stuff in it, he kept asking me what I wanted. I wasn't sure, really, but I knew two things I really wanted: one of his sweatshirts, and some pictures of him. That's not asking for much. Not even that I expected them, but when I told him, he laughed at me and said a sweatshirt was weird, and told me he wouldn't send it. </3 #1. Then about the pictures...I send him pictures of me all the time, since we don't skype, so he can see me. He asks me to, so I do. But when I asked him to (or any other time I do), he refused. I don't think that's fair. I mean, if you're in a relationship with someone, you have the right to see them. He says he won't because he thinks he's unattractive, but he's far from it, and I've told him so numerous times. He even knows he's not ugly-seriously he could have any girl out there if he wanted-yet he just gives me that excuse. I mentioned not having skype, so...at one point, I wanted to get us both webcams because we've never skyped before, and I want to see him in person, but when I mentioned using skype, he gave me the same "skype is stupid" thing, and shot down that idea before I had a chance to even ask. =( That just left me feeling hurt, and kind of horrible because it's like he doesn't want to see me or it doesn't matter to him one way or the other.

I feel very unwanted and neglected right now. And pissed because he seems to not give a damn. :P I really do love him, but I lately feel like he doesn't care as much about me as I do about him. I understand that he's not always going to be able to talk when I want to, but it feels like he doesn't even try, or that not talking to me doesn't bother him. I just hate that, and when I try to talk to him about it, he starts getting mad so I drop it. I hate to be the one to complain, but I’m confused because he never used to be this way, and it’s as if something is going on with him & in my head all I can think about is god what if he’s cheating on me…Am I overreacting though? Shouldn't a relationship be based off of equally doing your part, not just one person bending over backwards to make time for the other, or even just to show someone you love them?

[lala]

I feel you sweety
but just that you know. every person is different and every person shows his or her love in a different way. Maybe he really does not have this self conscious and think that he is not good-looking.. hmm Have you ever met in person?
I don't know for how long you are together and in a LDR, but especially in the beginning couples search for their perfect media to communicate. For example I asked my SO many times to skype with me but he rejected that without a reason.. an instead of this we are chatting on fb sometimes for hours and through the whole day..but it's just us..

I can't tell if he is cheating on you or losing his feelings,.. maybe you could tell him how you feel when he is behaving like this.. if he doesn't understand you or get mad this is his problem. You have feeling and needs too, and if he is not respecting them this is not a good base for a relationship!

[marbear31]

Hi there! First off, I'm really sorry he's treating you that way. It looks like you two have been going out for a little over 2 years? I don't mean to judge, since I don't know him, but to me, it sounds like he's getting complacent. I'd feel like crap if he was doing that as well, and it's hard to base a relationship off something that's just a couple of times a week, especially if you don't known if he'll sleep or not.

Have you two ever met in person? Some people truly aren't comfortable on a webcam, and that's understandable. However, him not paying attention to you frequently is not. I don't think you're overreacting at all--I'd be feeling the same way if I was in your situation.

Maybe try, once more, to calmly explain where you're coming from. Don't accuse, or say, "You always do this,etc." cause he'll just go on the defensive. Say, "Fine," and then start standing up for yourself. Make him want you again. If he's too lazy to make the effort, then make him want to make the effort. I know it's hard as hell when every pore of you is screaming to talk to him every second of the day, but don't stay up until 5 AM to talk to him. Tell him you need your sleep as well, and stick to it. (Is there really no other time during the day you two can talk? Maybe when you're getting ready in the mornings or something?) Eventually, if he truly loves you, he's going to start realizing you're not as available as he assumed, and I bet you a million dollars he'll start making more of an effort. It may take a couple of weeks for him to get his kick in the pants, but all relationships go through lulls.

Yeah, it's stupid to feel like you have to play games sometimes, but if you've already been honest about what you're feeling, and he's not listening, all you can do is stand up for yourself and wait till he comes to the realization on his own that he can't take you for granted. I sure hope sparks will start flying again for you two.

Much love, and best of luck!

[Haley53]

I agree with marbear, but I don't see it as playing games. Here's why:

Look at the current situation. You're staying up until the wee hours of the morning to talk with him, and he's choosing whether or not it's convenient for him to stay up and take advantage of it. You're texting and ringing him when you feel like it, yet he's choosing when it's convenient for him to respond. You're making an effort to suggest ways that you can keep in touch with one another, and yet he's shooting them down as being "stupid" (for which I'm sure he has his reasons. If you haven't met, I might be suspicious of someone who never sends pictures or anything of great personal value, or someone who's not willing to go on cam with you, simply because that's a red flag to me. If you have, or if he's done these things before and has stopped doing them, then it's possible it's an issue with feeling self-conscious or maybe he's simply being selfish because he's aware it'll fly with you). He's turning these things around, every time you bring them up, and pinning them on you, and you let him do it. You need to stop, else you're both going to have a hand in the destruction of your relationship. :/

I disagree that your main intention needs to be doing it to light a fir under your partner's behind, but I do agree that marbear has a point. You need to stop making yourself constantly available, not because he's taking advantage of it (though in part for this reason, because he will drain you dry) but because you need to take care of you. Especially in a long-distance relationship, it is so incredibly easy to sacrifice yourself and your time and forget about the fact that your life exists independent beyond work, school, and your relationship. Especially when commitment to talk time to is low on one end, it's easy to push things like family and friends aside, because you're aching to take advantage of what talk time you'll be offered. But if you continue like this, you're only going to end up burning yourself out, and if you run yourself ragged, there's going to be a lot of issues, such as resentment, that surface within the relationship. Once you start taking care of yourself, and respecting yourself enough to do so, you're going to find that he starts to respect you more as well.

Stop staying up until 5am. If you have work/school, leave him an e-mail saying you need your sleep but that you love him and hope to talk with him soon, and then go to bed. Regardless of what he says, go to bed. Maybe Friday and Saturday can be the nights you stay up late. If a family member or a friend invites you out? Go! You don't have to say yes all the time, but you're going to go mental restricting yourself to work, school, and home hanging on the computer and waiting for your SO to pop online. Make time for family and friends, people whose company you enjoy, who you can have a laugh and a good time with. Do something for you! Have personal quiet/down time that involves reading or a hot shower or bubble bath. Join a campus club or find a class offered in your community or on campus that appeals to your interests. Meet new people, learn something new, do something that appeals to you and that can help you destress, relax, and take your mind off constantly being on your SO. Force yourself to text him once or twice and then put the phone away. Limit the time you spend hounding over him and he'll eventually realise you're not his to pick and choose from. He'll realise you're your own person with your own life, and you will notice changes as you settle into a routine. Getting into that routine can be hard, admittedly, but you will be happier and healthier once you start making more time for you to do what you love, once you stop letting your free time revolve around your SO, and assuming he's worth his salt, which after two years, I should hope he would be, you'll notice positive changes in your relationship, as well.

[CarolinaGirl]

Thanks to all of you =) First off, no we haven't met in person. Not yet at least, though we were planning on it this summer, but I'm not getting my hopes up with that. It's so expensive to fly from here to there or vice-versa, which I definitely cannot afford, and unfortunately our work schedules have not been cooperating the way we want them to :P And about the webcam thing...I did talk to him once before while I was at a friend's house...the one and only time. Since then, every time I bring it up-no. *sigh* I have asked him before if there was any reason why he wouldn't, and he told me because he thought it was stupid. Again.
Addressing what Eclaire said about him choosing to talk to me when it's convenient for him...that's very true! He does do that, and I realize that I probably only encourage it by making myself available =( I do keep some time to myself, but I know I need more to do the things I want to do. However, I think part of the reason I have a hard time making myself unavailable to him is because when I do spend time with my family, or go out with my friends, I only end up missing him even more and wishing I was talking to him. =\ I know, that's kind of pathetic. The other part is if I'm not available, I end up talking to him even less. Or he gets annoyed and asks me why I haven't been talking to him. Then I end up feeling guilty. What's worse is I have had some of my friends, girls and guys, tell me that I let him take advantage of me, and it's not healthy because I only end up unhappy, and then he just keeps doing it. But, I think I keep trying deny that I'm letting him do that because I usually do tell him when I'm not happy about something, and I've always stood up for myself. I always have, but in this situation, I just don't know why I can't. It seems like it only ends up worse when I open my mouth. I've tried to tell him, but I only end up feeling worse for hurting his feelings.

[eveningsky]

I've been in relationships like that. Although in the moment I wanted to be with that person more than anything else in the world, I'm really thankful they've ended. I know it sounds rash, but since you've tried to work it out you might think about what's best for you in the long run instead of him. You have to work on yourself first. You have to make yourself happy first. If this relationship is only bringing you down and you've tried to work on it but it won't change, you shouldn't stay in it. Trust me, there are other "fish in the sea" that won't treat you like that.
I hope I don't sound unsupportive or inconsiderate but that's just how I feel about it. Of course it would be nice if you could somehow work things out but it sounds like you've tried everything. Good luck to you! I hope you figure it out and things work out for the better.

[Zapookie]

Not going on webcam because he thinks its stupid? I'm sorry but thats a load of bull. Seriously.

Long distance relationships need all they can get in terms of communication, nurturing, and effort. But it need to come from BOTH SIDES! You are at his beck and call and he knows it. You need to stop being so available and do your own thing. I know you miss him when you're not talking to him, we all miss our SO's when we're not with them/talking to them, but thats something we all learn to deal with and you need to aswell.

I've been there before. I've been that person waiting at my computer for a skype call, and not getting it because he wanted to watch a movie, or wanted to go to sleep instead. No, it wasn't a nice feeling, but I realised that I was depending on him too much for my own happiness. You can never depend on someone for your happiness. You need to have that happiness inside yourself first before you can share that with someone else.

Relationships are meant to be an equal partnership, and that's not what's going on right now, so step back for a while and let him come to you. (and if he gets angry or annoyed that YOU aren't making effort to talk to him... well that just shows his true character doesn't it?)

[CarolinaGirl]

Not going on webcam because he thinks its stupid? I'm sorry but thats a load of bull. Seriously.

Haha I know, right? And that's what I keep saying, equal partnership in a relationship. It pisses me off that he doesn't. But, again, it hasn't always been this way. Just the last couple months. I mean before, he used to go above and beyond to talk to me, now...not so much. I decided I am going to talk to him about it though (actually doing so right now), feelings be damned because after reading everyone's comments, it just reminded me that I wasn't just hurt by this, but also pissed off. ^^ So I guess I'll see how things go...