Differing veiws on marriage

[Hololz]

I think I already know the answer to this one, but I wanted peoples input and different opinions.

I WANT to get married some time in the future (not for the next few years probably, but I would like to be married by my late 20's/early 30's).

However at the moment, my SO isnt considering marriage at all. He says its just not for him. He doesnt see it as a "deeper commitment".

I know we're both still young and theres time for him to change his mind, but this is a deal breaker for me. If we have children and own a house together I want us to be married.

I love him and I dont want this to come between us, i just want to know that in the future he may be open to changing his mind (Although I feel hippocritical saying that because I probably wont be open to changing mine :/ ) I'm SURE I want a future with him.

I've been hesitant to make this post, but the subject came up again last night when we skyped.

Is it possible that this can work out for both of us in the long run?

[snow_girl]

If you aren't willing to bend on this issue then you can't expect him to either.

[Haley53]

If you aren't willing to bend on this issue then you can't expect him to either.

I agree with this, unfortunately.

I know that both my partner and I were hesitant on the idea when it came to the marriage front, because neither of us see being married as any deeper level of commitment either (I can't say I see marriage as entirely practical, either, but I certainly don't see it as the greater level of commitment that many people see it as being), but we have both opened up to it and can see ourselves being married in the future. A part of that, however, has been down to the fact that we're an international couple, and beyond working visas, marriage visas are what options we've got. We're both young, we both aren't sure when we'll be married (we both agree mid-20s and by late 20s), but it's something that we both want.

It's possible that your SO is young and so he's experiencing what a lot of other young males (and young people, frankly) go through when it comes to commitment. I think there comes a point in time where many people question whether or not they want to be tied down or married. Research has shown that the most personality changes, and the most growth of personality, tends to happen between ages 20 and 30, so it's possible that his not wanting to get married is something that's flexible. It's possible it's something that might change, but it's also possible that it's something that won't. It's also possible that his views are also very in touch with his values, and in that case, you'd have a conflict of interest, but like snow_girl said, if you wouldn't be willing to change it, I'm not sure it's entirely fair to ask him to compromise on it either. :/

[Moon]

This is tough because he may very well change his mind at some point, then again he may not. You don't want to stick around on the hope that he will, in case he really doesn't, then you've wasted a lot of time and given yourself even more heartache. You don't say just how young he is, or why he's so against marriage, so it's unclear if it's likely a bit of immaturity, or he has legitimate reasons for his choice.

Unfortunately, someone has to bend, otherwise the relationship breaks. If you're both still in your teens (I have no idea how old you are), then I really wouldn't worry about it yet, both of your minds will change about a million things still. If you're into your 20's already, well then I guess his choice is pretty clear. Sorry about that

[Hololz]

We're both 21, if that helps, so still fairly young. He never really gives a reason why he's so against it. He makes out like he thinks it isnt worth it, it costs too much etc. He said he just cant see any benefits of it. I have pointed out what I believe the benefits are.

[Kerry]

if you want to be married then stick to your guns about it. if he doesn't see it for him you might have a tough decision to make of whether or not you want to stay with a man who won't marry you.

[squeeker]

With my SO and I, we both have decided we want to get married. Although he doesn't get why it's so important to be married on paper. I'm pretty sure it's because his parents divorced when he was younger. And it makes sense because it's not really about the marriage ceremony but the commitment behind the marriage. Maybe in your case he's seen people (whether family, friends, people in society..) getting divorced and he sees that not everyone takes marriage seriously so it scares him out a little bit. I think just reinforcing that marriage is important to you and that you'd like to make it official one day, in front of family and friends, to show everyone what he means to you, it might work. I think you'd have to know why he wasn't interested in marriage to really know whether it was a deal breaker or not. Some reasons might be harder to convince him out of. And if he's not willing to compromise, you might have to, otherwise, well it might not have been meant to be. OR you'll probably meet later on when you get similar goals? I don't know, just trying to help, I think it's best if you just talk to him. Good luck

[Manoek]

We're both 21, if that helps, so still fairly young. He never really gives a reason why he's so against it. He makes out like he thinks it isnt worth it, it costs too much etc. He said he just cant see any benefits of it. I have pointed out what I believe the benefits are.

So question because I'm curious: why do you want to get married?

[Softy]

It's very very rare that a man is ready and willing to settle down at 21.
He may change his mind on the way, although he may not (as other said).

Most ppl said pretty much everything.
Are you have to be ok with no getting married, or he has to be ok with getting married.
Or you can keep going like this being uncertain and see from there.

On a very personal opinion, I really really do want to get married.
I believe in marriage and for me it's very important.
So I wouldn't keep going with a man that doesn't want to get married ever.
But that's me. I made that choice and I know I can't force someone to think like me.
So it's up to me to find a man who has the same beliefs as me, and i did now so I'm happy.

Best luck sweets~!

[lademoiselle]

This is tough because he may very well change his mind at some point, then again he may not. You don't want to stick around on the hope that he will, in case he really doesn't, then you've wasted a lot of time and given yourself even more heartache.

I agree

I'm wondering though if this is a topic you've discussed before in the past or something that's come up just recently. I'd say a pretty determining factor would be if his opinion is one which he's held for several years, because if that's the case I think it's likely he'll continue to do so. All you can do is talk to him about it. If not being married to your partner - any partner - someday would be a deal breaker for you, tough as it is you have to be honest about it. To give you my point of view from personal experience, someone does indeed have to be willing to compromise; my SO has never seen much point in marriage itself, but I know he could see himself going through with it with thr right person (we've spoken about it). I'm sorry about the position you're in... I hope you can come to the conclusion that's best for you both.

[princessmeg1328]

We're both 21, if that helps, so still fairly young. He never really gives a reason why he's so against it. He makes out like he thinks it isnt worth it, it costs too much etc. He said he just cant see any benefits of it. I have pointed out what I believe the benefits are.

Based the bolded part, it sounds like to me that it may not be marriage that he's so against but the big fancy wedding. He may not be separating the two in his mind. Ask him if it's marriage that he's against or the wedding. If he agrees to get married, would you be willing to not have a big wedding? Talk to him and ask him for his reasons against marriage. Take the wedding part out of the equation. Let him know that you don't need the big white dress, fancy venue, etc if that's true. It sounds like, to me, that a serious discussion needs to take, and you have to be willing to either let him go or let getting married go. You can't hope that he'll change his mind or that you can change his mind. It'll hurt more in the end if he doesn't.

Good luck!

[CharmedByTheBlue]

We're both 21, if that helps, so still fairly young. He never really gives a reason why he's so against it. He makes out like he thinks it isnt worth it, it costs too much etc. He said he just cant see any benefits of it. I have pointed out what I believe the benefits are.

In my experience with being around my brother and growing up with lots of male cousins, the average 21 year old guy is not ready for marriage. Men tend to go through stages until they hit their middle twenties, then they find their footing on the path of life. Because youre both the same age, I think it's good to keep in mind that you'd generally be the more mature one when it comes to future commitments, so maybe it would be advisable to stick with his pace on this one. As you said you are both young.. so patience and time might be the answer here :]

If you've been together for over 3 years, I would definitely not say he's an avoider of commitment so there's an important positive!
Because you view it as a deal breaker, maybe choose a good time to have a proper discussion on it. Your view point, his view point, pros, cons, etc. You'd both want to be objective and see different perspectives when you do that.. not just, "I dont like it. Case closed. Moving on." haha!

Like I said, I still think the most important thing right now is time to grow and patience, even if it means you have to put your worries to rest for now. Ever heard the saying, "A watched kettle never boils"? :] So the more you toss it around in your head and worry, the more complicated its going to seem. Time is a wonderful remedy, we're just impatient creatures lol

x

[Hololz]

Thankyou everyone for your input.

Like I mentioned in the original post, at the moment, I would like to be married before I have children. I hope I dont offend anybody by saying this but I want my children to be brought up in a home where their parents are married. That is important to me. I want to own a house together, but again, I want to do this once I'm married to the person (I guess its kind of a trust issue thing, like I feel like buying a house together isnt a commitment I would want to make until my partner has shown his commitment to me and visa-versa). Maybe it is me that will have to change my opinions on these things.

When we first met (17/18) we briefly discussed what we wanted for the future, and both of us said marriage, which is why I was so surprised when he said he didnt want to get married (we first had the discussion about 9 months ago, just after we went LD for the second time). It has come up every few months since.

Maybe a better time to have this discussion would be after we have both graduated? (Summer 2013) because by this point we'll have to start making the "who's moving where" sacrifices... I'm prepared to move to where he will be (he graduates march 2013)

[CharmedByTheBlue]

I would like to be married before I have children ... I want my children to be brought up in a home where their parents are married. That is important to me.

To me, it's just as important and I see where you're coming from. Your values and future are something thats part of the package, so don't feel that youre being unreasonable.
Like you said, he knew/knows that.. so it's not like you led him to believe anything different from the start.

Maybe it is me that will have to change my opinions on these things.

If I can be very blunt here, no offense intended to you.. but you are being waay past selfless & kind with that
Relationships are an equal give and take. You both might have different opinions, but you try to find a middle ground between that. If a middle ground can't be reached, then it is a "deal breaker" when it comes to serious stuff like the future.

That being said,

we first met (17/18)

..You've both come a long way from being 17 year olds. Im sure you've noticed him grow and change, and that's definitely still happening :]

Maybe a better time to have this discussion would be after we have both graduated? (Summer 2013)

Thats a reasonable suggestion. Aim for that. Putting in the patience and time will be a good thing.

When that time comes to make a decision together, you'll know which way you're going.

[efish1042]

Unfortunately, this is a real problem for some people.
You might discuss his reasons for not and your reasons for getting married and see if you can't compromise.
My mother was telling me about one of her ex bf's once. Apparently they were so in love that if he had merely breathed in a way that said "marry me" she would have said yes. Alas, he was a divorcee and completely against ever remarrying because that woman had apparently disillusioned him so badly.
My mother needed the security of marriage and he would absolutely not even discuss the option. So things ended.
Hopefully, he is willing to do this for you or you can both find some sort of compromise.