I'd like some advice please...

[Nikkers]

My boyfriend and I will have been together for just under a year when he goes away in November. He planned a trip to go to Canada for six months to work before we got together and even though it's a few months away it's constantly on my mind.

What's gotten to me the most is when people ask "so what's going to happen with you guys?" which really gets on my nerves because it's as if people assume we shouldn't be together when he goes away.

My issue is I'm not sure whether to stay together or not when he goes away. I already have plans to see him for Christmas and New Year's and my tickets are all booked. We've spoken about it and there wasn't even a discussion as to whether or not we'd stay together, it was just immediately assumed that we would but lately I'm not sure if we should. My reasoning is that in the event that something did happen (we have a wonderful open relationship but I've been in a 4 and a half year relationship before where it turned out my ex had cheated several times, so I can get very insecure) if we weren't together it wouldn't matter but if we were then I'd never forgive him. It may seem like I'm giving him a free pass but it's to benefit me more so because I just don't want to get hurt. I'm already expecting replies to say "if he'd cheat on you why would you want to be with him" but I'm sure a lot of you would understand that it's a little more complicated than that. Realistically, six months is a long time and people get lonely. I definitely don't want anybody else and I'll have support from my friends but he'll only have the one friend there (who's single) and he's never been away from home or his parents before.

I want to be with him now and then break up when he goes to Canada but still maintain communication then see how we feel when he comes home but it's really killing me to not know what the best thing to do would be.

Please help.

[Brieasaurus]

Firstly, welcome to LFAD!

Anyways, onto the problem at hand, I can see where you're coming from. I really can. Why stick around and eventually get hurt right? However, this isn't the right mindset to be. Even though six months may seem like forever, it's really not, and if you two are taking this relationship seriously, there is no reason for either one of you to be considering starting relations with other people. Is he saying that he's going to cheat on you while he's gone because he's going to be lonely? Or is that just insecurity getting to you?

Being insecure is a nasty little thing. It makes you think and doubt every aspect of your relationship. Don't. If you two survive being long distance (including being faithful together), it'll prove that you guys can do anything. That's the one good thing about LDRs, it proves strength. If your SO is concerned about being lonely, there's always skype/phone sex. If you two want to be committed and want to work, I really don't see any way that it wouldn't. There are many of us here (myself included haha) that haven't seen their SOs in over 6 months. It's possible. It just takes understanding and commitment.

If you don't think you can handle it, it's okay. Some people can't. It doesn't make you a bad person or anything. I just would hate for you to end something that could be wonderful for you because you're feeling a little insecure, you know?

[CanadianGirl]

I'm wondering if he's given you any real reason to think he'd hurt you. Six months apart is rough, but you make it seem like cheating is almost inevitable and you're trying to guard against it preemptively? Breaking up because you're separated for a while might also send him really mixed signals (that you don't trust him to stay faithful or you aren't willing to wait for him). Like Brieasaurus, it's completely fine if long distance is just too hard for you, but it would suck if you end up walking away from a really good thing.

Being long distance for a set period of time is actually pretty manageable. You'll miss out on the physical contact for a bit, but you can still be there for each other. If he seems like he can handle the distance, I think it's definitely worth trying. Plenty of support and ideas on LFAD if you think you're up for it!

[Haley53]

I agree with the others. Even my partner, who's male and also sometimes gets very lonely/horny (as I feel all of us in LDRs occasionally do), said that six months, especially looking at the bigger picture, is not that long. Can it seem like a long time when looking at it as one long stretch? Sure, but you say you even have visits planned and booked for Christmas and New Year's, which will help break up the six month stretch. On top of that, if he's complied with you booking tickets, it does sound like the assumption is that you're both willing to try and make it work.

Here's where I'm standing though: your solution isn't much of one. :/ Breaking up with him for the time while he's away may give him more "freedom" or it may not (my partner and I were on break for a while after his mother passed away and neither one of us pursued anyone else during that time), depending on his views on it and in my opinion, depending on his dedication to you and the relationship as well, but whether you're broken up with him or not, you're still going to get hurt if he sleeps with someone else. It's still going to hurt even if you can rationalise by saying "you gave him the option by breaking it off." You can say he "got lonely" or that he "had needs." None of that will take away the hurt, because what hurts is the feeling of betrayal (among other things) and I'm going to guess that the feeling of betrayal will be there whether you break up with him or not. Even if you broke up with him and he acted on it, there will still be that little bit of hope in you that he will stay faithful, and that will prevent you from being able to achieve a point of apathy or nonchalance. Embarking on an open relationship or breaking up with someone so that they have sexual freedom throughout the time the relationship is distance is not to be used as a preventative measure. It should be decided upon when both partners agree to it and when both partners want the arrangement. The intention for an open relationship should be to have fun, to be able to explore your sexualities, etc. It should not be because you don't want to get hurt in the event he sleeps with someone else. If that is your reason for an open relationship, or for not having one at all, it will hurt either way, and that's why your solution isn't going to work.

That being said, like I mentioned earlier, six months is not that long, especially if you're going to be returning to close distance after the six month stretch. As others said, LDRs do really test the strength of a relationship. They also will bring what your communication is like to light. This can go both ways, good or bad. Generally I think if both people are open to the changes in communication a LDR calls for, then they will see positive changes and improvements that carry over to their relationship when it's back to being close distance. If the communication is already solid, then you can only improve from there, which will ultimately enhance your relationship. You'll have visits to break up the distance but you'll also be able to Skype, talk on the phone, write letters to each other, find creative ways to keep the spark alive, which is fun for both parties, as you're either anticipating your partner's response to a surprise or you're anticipating your partner's surprise! You can always explore phone/Skype sex if either of you end up particularly lonely/horny. There are ways to making distance work. I've been doing it for a year (over if you count dating) and there are people on here who have been doing it for even longer. If you're both wanting to make it work, it's very possible, and as much as insecurities can get in the way, I would hate to see you sacrifice a good relationship over your ex. I understand what baggage an ex can leave, but you need to separate your current partner from your ex. They are not the same person and likely the outcome will not be the same.

I do think that breaking up would put you at a worse off place than taking a risk and attempting to make it through the distance, not to mention that I don't think it would be the safe guard it might seem like right now.

[Sora1101]

If you truly love someone 6 months of waiting is nothing, you shouldn't expect him to cheat or want to have sex with others just because he'll be lonely. My SO has gone almost 3 years without sex because when we got together I was underage, but not once has he expressed wanting to have sex with someone else while he waits for me. He's committed to this relationship and knew that starting a relationship with me would mean waiting for a very long time for sex regardless of this wants, if you're SO is willing to do LD with you then you need to set the guidelines such as I want this to be monogamous, you have to let each other know where you stand and how you want this to work. That being said I can't see why you guys wouldn't last 6 short months.

[Nikkers]

I have been cheated on a few times in the past so I always do have my guard up and I just can't help it. He's never given me a reason to think he would cheat on me it's just I can't get out of the whole "...but he is a guy" frame of mind (not to offend anybody out there.)

---------- Post added at 05:42 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:40 PM ----------

I really want to say thanks for this reply, it just laid everything out for me in such an open and honest manner. You are completely and 100% right. I'm so glad I found this site.

Thanks again for putting some sense into my head.

[Rugger]

Not all men cheat. the "he's a guy" excuse is a load of shit. If you love someone, you do whatever you can to be with them, even if it means going without sex for 6 months. He's is NOT the guy who cheated on you. Give him the benefit of the doubt, he may surprise you.

I also agree with what all these fine ladies said.

[Zapookie]

When you love someone, it doesn't matter how long it takes, you'll do what you have to do if it means keeping your relationship in check. Just because he is a guy, doesn't mean he is going to need to have sex with someone else when you're not around! 6 months is hardly very long, especially with a visit in there.

My boyfriend and I haven't seen each other in almost 6 months. Even though it gets tough, we are both faithful and committed to making it work. There's lots of ways to keep the intimacy alive while you're apart that previous posters have already mentioned. Don't count yourself out yet!

[Haley53]

We live in a culture that socialises men to be able to cheat and get away with it. There's a stigma around a "male frame" of mind, but the flipside to that is that us women "don't have sex drives." We're able to control ourselves because we don't get horny or think about the nasty etc., which is hardly true. Although men do typically have higher sex drives than women (not always, but it's more typical), that doesn't mean they aren't also capable of self-control. We simply live in a society that believes men don't have it, and I think that that idea in our culture is more the reason that so many men cheat. We create an environment in which a man's lack of self-control is okay, and I think that's why there's an issue, not that "he's a guy," so "this is his frame of mind."

That being said, that doesn't mean that every man cheats or that no man is able to wait x-number of months, even after he's had sex before (my mother used to argue that men might not cheat when they're virgins because they "don't know what they're missing," even if she's evolved out of this mindset). I can understand having your guard up. I have my own baggage from past situations/relationships that has at one or a couple of times prevented me from trusting my SO completely, and it's effected me as much as him, so I empathise completely. :/ But the thing is, if he's wanting to continue this relationship with you, he knows what he's in for. He already knows that he's going to have to go six months, more or less, without sex. Yes, he's a guy, but he has a hand, doesn't he? Masturbation isn't sex, but it's a healthy alternative to not having your partner around. Is your partner at all like your exes? Has he given you any reason to think he'd cheat? Has he followed their patterns? In the end, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat at a distance or at home. I don't mean to perpetuate any paranoid ideation, but I'm using the illusion of false security to make the point that anything can happen. My partner could break up with me tomorrow and leave me shattered. Will he? It's unlikely, same as it's quite possibly unlikely your partner is going to cheat on you while abroad. I understand that you have insecurities and a guard up (and continue being self-aware, because these may/will likely surface when distance becomes a factor, as trust is huge in LDRs), but you do need to treat your SO like his own person.

[Softy]

Cheating cuz 'hes a guy'
OR cheating cuz 'we were apart'
is PURE bullshit. ( sorry for my harsh words).

If the man truly loves you, he will be able to wait.
PLUS there are tons of ways to satisfy one self other than cheating.

There are other sections of the forums for that.
There's tons of things to do to 'help the physical needs and the wait'.

That's only my opinion.