jealousy is killing me

[lala]

I thought about if I should make a thread about my problem or not, but as the situation is getting worse I think it's the best to write things down and see if I can solve my problem.

Me and my SO are now long distance since 9 months..and there are 3-4 more months to come..
we had some problems in the beginning and needed time to understand what the other one expect and want from this relationship, but we dealt with it and now everything is fine..or I mean was fine.

My SO is a very open person. He likes to talk a lot, is "nice" (for me it's more flirty), and charming, funny, etc. he has also many female friends which when we were CD I was totally fine with it. But the things is the last couple of days we had no contact, as he is working a lot although he is online all the time and I can see that he is active on fb, but has no time to write me. Soon there will be May Long and he is going like every year to a resort with some friends. When I was abroad last year he invited me too (at this time we were friends) and I went there with him and three other guys. Actually there we became more than friends.. when I asked him if he planned it, he said that he just wanted me to have a good time but hoped that it would happen. Him and his friends are totally crazy about these few days in the resort as they are just drinking the whole day and party.. Last year when i was there it was pretty boring,as there were just a few friends (most guys), BUT this year there are coming a bunch of people (a lot of girls) and they will be in a condo (and not one room were we stayed).
What I want to say is, that I'm so anxious that something might happen. I am afraid that what happened with us will happen with another girl this year. He will drink all the time and there will be girls in bikinis, half naked and drunk too. I am not saying that he will cheat on me... but I am afraid that it might happen. I know I can't do anything than trust him, but it's really hard for me. If I tell him my concerns I know he will say that he is just going to have fun with his friends and family.. and that I don't have to worry blabla
I feel so helpless. I know how "nice" he is and I know how people can be when they are drunk.. what if something happens and he won't tell me?? I KNOW you guys will tell me now to calm down.. but it's just how I feel the last days and try to forget it or calm down,but it's unfortunately not working

[Rugger]

I know it can be hard to trust when you have that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. But You have to trust him on this. If he's never given you any reason to doubt him, He's earned it. Just because he's drunk doesn't mean anything.

He obviously thinks you are something special, because if not , why would he ever put himself through a long-distance relationship? He loves you and only you. Keep telling yourself that. It works for me when I get in the same way.

Have a casual chat with him about it, just so your fears are known, even if he waves you off like you said he will. It's worth a shot. It's probably not going to stop him from going, or getting drunk, but at least it'll be on his mind.

[lala]

I know it can be hard to trust when you have that nagging little voice in the back of your head telling you something. But You have to trust him on this. If he's never given you any reason to doubt him, He's earned it. Just because he's drunk doesn't mean anything.

He obviously thinks you are something special, because if not , why would he ever put himself through a long-distance relationship? He loves you and only you. Keep telling yourself that. It works for me when I get in the same way.

Have a casual chat with him about it, just so your fears are known, even if he waves you off like you said he will. It's worth a shot. It's probably not going to stop him from going, or getting drunk, but at least it'll be on his mind.

well actually we had atrust and being honest issue months ago, where I wanted to break up. Back then we had different opinions on "being nice" and "like to help others".. so that I still have doubts and can't trust him..

But you are right I will bring up this topic so that he will definetely have me on his mind lol

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Until something happens, nothing's happened. It's a bit of a catch 22. You can't really do much about it until it's too late.
My view on cheating is that my SO has my trust, until he does something to lose it. And once it's lost, I'm not sure I could rebuild that back again. But unless that happens, I trust him. Sure I have worries about it now and again, but I know that's my own insecurity, not his behaviour.
Think about it. Has your SO done much to suggest that he's actually interested in other girls? Are there any red flags? Does he mention a specific girl regularly? Ask yourself these kind of questions. If the answer is no, this suspicion is down to you, rather than him. If the answer is yes, then it's something you really have to talk to your SO about.

[lala]

Until something happens, nothing's happened. It's a bit of a catch 22. You can't really do much about it until it's too late.
My view on cheating is that my SO has my trust, until he does something to lose it. And once it's lost, I'm not sure I could rebuild that back again. But unless that happens, I trust him. Sure I have worries about it now and again, but I know that's my own insecurity, not his behaviour.
Think about it. Has your SO done much to suggest that he's actually interested in other girls? Are there any red flags? Does he mention a specific girl regularly? Ask yourself these kind of questions. If the answer is no, this suspicion is down to you, rather than him. If the answer is yes, then it's something you really have to talk to your SO about.

well no nothing happened from what I know.. but it doesn't mean that he never did anything or that he is not thinking about it. Yes I might be silly for saying this.. it's just that we haven't had contact the last days and that this is making me having bad thoughts. And yes it's my problem but I don't actually know how to deal with it..

[snow_girl]

well no nothing happened from what I know.. but it doesn't mean that he never did anything or that he is not thinking about it. Yes I might be silly for saying this.. it's just that we haven't had contact the last days and that this is making me having bad thoughts. And yes it's my problem but I don't actually know how to deal with it..

I can totally mean that he never did anything and that he doesn't think badly. You said yourself he is working a lot. Instead of watching his facebook activity why not give him a call? You can't live day by day in fear he might do something or might have straying thoughts, it isn't healthy. He hasn't given you any reason to doubt him so you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and TRUST him. It'll kill you and your relationship if you can't give him a little slack.

[lala]

I can totally mean that he never did anything and that he doesn't think badly. You said yourself he is working a lot. Instead of watching his facebook activity why not give him a call? You can't live day by day in fear he might do something or might have straying thoughts, it isn't healthy. He hasn't given you any reason to doubt him so you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and TRUST him. It'll kill you and your relationship if you can't give him a little slack.

I know that I might be crazy for having those thoughts.. I haven't told him this cause I don't want him to feel bad although he didn't do anything, except of texting me for days.. I know that he is working much, therefore I texted him often and told him about my day and how much I miss him.. but he didn't find a minute to text me.. I am not asking for hours of chatting with him just for a short message. I told him this months ago and it got much much better, but it seems as he doesn't acre anymore and instead of it text with friends..

[Softy]

As for the jealousy, it's a lack of trust. Now, where does it come from?
Have he done anything that makes you think he could be unfaithful?
Or is it you not being ok with him having girls around?
Have you experienced trust issues in the past (with other relationships)?
Is he ok with you hanging out with guys? If yes, means he trusts you yes? Should go both ways yes?

As for him not texting/talking to you enough, you did talk to him?
Did you bring the issue to him while you were both free and calm?
If he took it lightly maybe it's the wording that you used? Maybe he didn't understand how important it is to you?

I'm not trying to point fingers, am trying to understand the situation better.
Myself am a tad of a jealous person, it's something that can be worked on but you must know where it comes from

/hugs

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

You can't live day by day in fear he might do something or might have straying thoughts, it isn't healthy. He hasn't given you any reason to doubt him so you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and TRUST him. It'll kill you and your relationship if you can't give him a little slack.

This is my point exactly.

Without trust, relationships fall apart very very quickly. If he hasn't done anything wrong, or anything to suggest he's thinking about doing something wrong, then you have nothing to call him out on. Being nice to other people isn't enough of a basis on which to talk to him about cheating. Feel free to talk to him about your concerns, but if he's not doing anything wrong... well... it's probably not going to go the way you want.

[lala]

As for the jealousy, it's a lack of trust. Now, where does it come from?
Have he done anything that makes you think he could be unfaithful?
Or is it you not being ok with him having girls around?
Have you experienced trust issues in the past (with other relationships)?
Is he ok with you hanging out with guys? If yes, means he trusts you yes? Should go both ways yes?

As for him not texting/talking to you enough, you did talk to him?
Did you bring the issue to him while you were both free and calm?
If he took it lightly maybe it's the wording that you used? Maybe he didn't understand how important it is to you?

I'm not trying to point fingers, am trying to understand the situation better.
Myself am a tad of a jealous person, it's something that can be worked on but you must know where it comes from

/hugs

Thank you for your kind help

the lack of trust against men come from all the stories of cheated women (as for example my mum) and also myself played by a crush.. Plus my SO was on an online dating side and I found that out when we were LD and he chatted with a girl while was too busy with work for writing me. That's something I can't forget! And it's difficult to forgive as you can't see in this persons eyes and feel that he will do everything to make it work again..

he has no problem with me going out. Once I told him how a guy asked me in a club if i want to have drinks with him and that I refused it. My SO asked why I did that, and if we should have a trust issue everytime someone from the opposite sex is talking to us.

like I said he is the opposite of me in being social and open with others..

[Softy]

Lala, you have two choices sweetheart.

Or you get over the fact that he's around girls and you give him complete trust.
This is not an easy path, but with some self-control and help it can be done.

Or you leave him be and be with someone who you feel you can trust.
Maybe it's with him only that you feel that way.

In the past I had dated a guy who was really really flirty with other girls.
And eventually he left me for a girl he met at a party.
Everytime he would go out, I would feel anxious.

Now with my current bf, he goes out and of course there are girls around him (he's so hot).
But I trust him completely.

For myself, it was (and still ) some work on myself PLUS finding the guy that makes me feel safe and can inspire me trust.

Hope you will find a solution to your situation

[lala]

Lala, you have two choices sweetheart.

Or you get over the fact that he's around girls and you give him complete trust.
This is not an easy path, but with some self-control and help it can be done.

Or you leave him be and be with someone who you feel you can trust.
Maybe it's with him only that you feel that way.

In the past I had dated a guy who was really really flirty with other girls.
And eventually he left me for a girl he met at a party.
Everytime he would go out, I would feel anxious.

Now with my current bf, he goes out and of course there are girls around him (he's so hot).
But I trust him completely.

For myself, it was (and still ) some work on myself PLUS finding the guy that makes me feel safe and can inspire me trust.

Hope you will find a solution to your situation

you know when we were CD I had no problem with jealousy.. but I was irritated by his openess and social life. He told from the beginning that he has many friends who are girls.. But now that I am not with him those girls and his flirtiness are bothering more..
I know that I have to work on that. but I think that he has too... but how to tell him this without sounding like I'm telling him what he should do?hmmm difficult

[Haley53]

you know when we were CD I had no problem with jealousy.. but I was irritated by his openess and social life. He told from the beginning that he has many friends who are girls.. But now that I am not with him those girls and his flirtiness are bothering more..
I know that I have to work on that. but I think that he has too... but how to tell him this without sounding like I'm telling him what he should do?hmmm difficult

You say you've mentioned it to him, or that there have been issues with honesty in the past where he (in your mind) got his lines crossed as far as what was appropriately considered helping someone out, so I can only imagine that you've discussed your feelings with him before? And have made it clear what makes you feel uncomfortable and what doesn't?

Some people are more naturally flirtacious than others. It's something they can choose to control, or they might see it as a part of who they are. There are people who come off as flirtacious but who really have no idea what they're doing. For example, when I was younger, I was a bit more socially awkward and tended to rely more on humour than conversation to relate to people, both men and women. I also used to be a bit more physically "aggressive" (such as slapping at someone who play-insulted me). I didn't realise at all what I was doing when I was doing it. People would consider me flirtacious if asked for their opinion, moreso than not, but I was completely unable to recognise it because I saw it as laughing, being friendly, and having a good time. It wasn't until I was older, started university, started seeing a good therapist, etc. that my social skills increased/matured and I was able to see what everyone else saw when looking back on my behaviour. My point of this is that sometimes people really do not recognise what they're doing, or they don't see it as "flirting." Sometimes it happens and other people are making inferences that don't make sense to the person who's flirtacious.

Given your insecurities, I'm curious as to what about what he says/does comes off as flirtacious. What tends to happen sometimes, when you've been enmeshed in an idea, is that even if you can explicitly acknowledge that a stereotype might not be true for all - i.e. not all men are cheaters/will cheat - you manage to internalise it; even if consciously you do NOT subscribe to that idea, or even if consciously you KNOW it's a stereotype about men and women, it's become so internalised that it's still going to surface in your thinking and behaviour. That being said, that's why I'm curious about your opinions of what's flirtacious and what isn't. Could it be that YOU are mistaking friendly behaviour for being flirty, as opposed to him being the one mistaking flirty behaviour for being friendly?

Either way, I think you have a right to tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he says this or makes those sorts of comments on girls' pictures on Facebook, for example, but you're talking about who he is. He was upfront from the beginning: he has a lot of female friends. With that probably comes a particular sort of interaction some of the time, and maybe he's become so comfortable with those friends that his behaviour has extended to most, if not all, women. The thing is that I don't feel like you have a right to tell him it's something he needs to work on unless he's being outlandishly inappropriate. When we have trust issues, I'm of the opinion that because they start and end with us (assuming they were not caused by our partners), it's up to us to bite the bullet and do the hard work of working on them in the hopes of eventually fixing them. That's what you need to do here.

I may be wrong and not seeing the entire story, but it sounds like you're trying to rationalise your behaviour so that he has to/should be the one to change this or that. My opinion is that this is your issue and though it's yours to be honest about, it's also yours to fix. It involves introspection and working on you and your belief systems. It involves not smothering him with your worries and insecurities, and not accusing him of doing anything he hasn't given you reason to suspect. You both have talked about what you want from a relationship (was he the one who was still chatting to girls on the internet while you thought you were in a relationship?) and if you've both decided you're exclusive, you cannot hold against him what he did when your relationship was not discussed. That was then. This is now. And you have to give him the respect and chance that he deserves. My opinion is that you shouldn't ask him to change a personality component until you're able to look at it from objective eyes and determine if it's really worth changing. :/

[lala]

thank you for such a long advice Eclaire

In Astro typology he is a gemini.. they are flirtious and talkative by nature and so is my SO. I think he sometimes doesn't realise that he flirts with someone.. In the beginning when we were friends I felt as he flirted like all the time with me.. he told me once that he was just nice and friendly.. so we have deffinetely two different opinions on being "nice".

What annoys me is that while working and being "busy" he still finds time to comment on friends posts (especially on his best friends- a girl).. and he says to me that he was "sooo busy" and is sorry for not writing me.. that's just bullshit! I am always there for him!when he was ill I sent him cute messages, I chatted with him..and so on. So I am not asking for the same, but hust for one simple message a day or every second day. I already told him this once.. and it got better.. but i feel as it's going to be the same.. I just need him, I needto know that he i still in love for me and that he is there for me..
I am respecting him and who he is and how he is, but that doesn't mean that I will put myself back and let myself feeling bad because of his behaviour.

[Minerva]

People have different views of "being there" and how much communication is needed in a relationship. The two of you might have different ideas of what constitutes "enough". You've told him once and he changed, but now he's slipped back. Talk to him again. He may feel he's giving you enough, and he won't know he isn't until you tell him.

Additionally, I for one find it very easy to comment on Facebook. It takes no time or thought. But to reply to my SO does. I might be at work and not have any time, but I might have Facebook open and respond to something there in between tasks. Could I spend that time sending my SO a message? I could, but it would be quick and have little thought behind it. That's not to say there would be no value to it; it just wouldn't have a lot of thought behind it.

You got involved with a flirty man who has a lot of girl friends, and you knew this going in. If you feel bad about how he's acting, you can speak to him about it, but it really isn't fair to ask him to change. If he's doing nothing wrong and he isn't disrespecting you, feeling bad is on you and your insecurities and that's something you need to work on for yourself; it's not on him to change his personality to make you feel better.

That said you can probably talk and reach a compromise, but I firmly believe if you go into a relationship knowing someone might have habits or personality traits that bother you, you're really in no position to ask them to change.