Changing Contact Habits Of SO

[Haley53]

I know right! We are so darn good at overanalyzing details that we can make up things in are head that aren't even happening! Yesterday, my SO started again by greeting me with a daily greeting at noon and then I didn't hear from him all day. I knew he was going to a car show with his friends but what made me peeved was that I sent him a photo of me looking all sex-a-fied and then asked to see some pics of the cars. Well, about 9 hours later I get a text and he tells me that my picture was amazing looking and then he apologized for not texting me all day but that his phone had died and no one had a charger to fit his phone (of the guys that went to the car show) and he did say "I wanted to use one of their phones and call you but I realized I don't know your number by heart." He then said his phone was plugged in his car charger and that they were back at his friend's house with dinner and said he would call me on his way home.

He then called me about an hour later on his way home and the first thing he complained about was his nose dripping all day and he was coughing a lot so I knew he felt like crap. But of course in the conversation I told him "I miss you" and he responded with "Oh, yea?"; there was no "I miss you too" or anything so my heart sank a bit.

Then I asked him when would we see each other next and he said "I don't know". There was awkward silence for several seconds and I finally told him "I don't like that answer very much" and then we went to more awkward silence. Then he just started talking about how he is worrying about a place to stay if he gets this job soon.

I straight up asked him if he was stressing out or worrying and he said "Yea, I've been a little stressed out lately...why?" I told him "No reason. Just curious", I should have communicated that I was concerned about him but I honestly didn't want to draw out the conversation then when I knew he was feeling like crap and was just looking forward to getting home ASAP to crash.

So now, all last night after we got off the phone, I started to feel insecure again. I know he was feeling like crap and he is worrying about a lot of things but I can't help but feel as though his feelings might not be as strong as they once were.

I hate overanalyzing! I wish my brain would stop this!

I completely understand the pain of overanalysing, and I empathise, I do, but I feel like you're doing a lot of putting yourself in these situations. For example, you made a bet that he couldn't resist you, he did, and as opposed to communicating your feelings to him right then, you sat on it for a while and allowed it to fester before finally opening up about it. Now, you're upset and feeling insecure because some of what was said on the phone, yet you weren't entirely honest about your reason for asking if he's been stressed out and you didn't communicate, directly, how you were feeling when he didn't say he missed you too or when you brought up when you were next going to see each other. I feel like both of these situations could have been avoided had you been upfront from the get go. Whether he has this sixth sense or not, he's not a mindreader, same as you can't always read what's on his mind, and sometimes we have to up and ask for the reassurance we need from our partners because of it. While your partner may generally be great about reading into your cues, cluing into your hints and therefore being able to give you what you need, because he's been stressed out, he may be too into himself to notice much of it. And that's okay.

The issue is that his being stressed out does not mean you should stop communicating your needs. I'm not sure if, say, the issue with the bet would have happened had he not been so stressed out, i.e. I'm not sure if you generally have difficulty communicating your feelings when you're upset or not, but situations like that are only going to contribute to the stress/negativity of the situation, either on your end or his, and that's not healthy for either of you. I'm not saying you need to sit him down with a big ol' "we need to talk," but for example, my partner was on the iPad, using Skype, and we typically say goodnight over Skype messenger after hanging up the call before finally going to bed. The other night, he typed "Ily." It was the first time he had ever shortened it. Knowing he was exhausted but also knowing I would sit on it the rest of the night, I said, "Why Ily? :P" and he said he was tired and that was about the end of it. In response to, "oh, yea?", you could have said, playfully, "what, no I miss you too? :P" It's easy to overthink a situation as opposed to attributing it to what's more realistic, such as that he's tired or not feeling well.

What you have to be wary of is that you're not projecting meaning onto what he's saying or not saying, doing or not doing. If your inclination is, when upset, to get out of his bed and climb back into your own to brood, then you're going to be more likely to assume that something's wrong when he exhibits similar behaviour. However, he sounds like he's fairly straightforward and so I would try to concentrate on that as opposed to likening his behaviour to your own. When you start overanalysing and getting upset and letting your mind wander, I think that's the time I would take a moment to stop, breathe, and look to what's happened in the past. Is it often that your worries are overly exaggerated, and they end up being off the mark as far as accuracy? Or do your worries, in this relationship, generally turn out to have some merit or value? My guess would be that your tendency to overanalyse leads to your tendency to exaggerate a problem and that leads to a tendency to worry unnecessarily about what could very well be an imagined issue. When you start hitting that point of irrationality, I would honestly stop yourself, say out loud if you have to that you're being irrational, and then do something to keep busy and keep your mind off it as best you can. Repeat that as many times as is necessary.

The other thing to think about is that he's been stressed out. That means he's been dealing with what he needs to deal with, and that needs to take precedence right now. We can't always be in a place where we put our partners first, and that means that sometimes texting or phone calls get put on the back burner for a bit. At this point, I wouldn't assume it's so much because he's gotten comfortable (though that very well may be the case) as simply that his life his picked up and so he's having to learn how to manage it. He's having to balance his own personal stressors in addition to his social life in addition to keeping things up with you, and it's not easy when anyone hits a point of transition. It sounds like his mind is currently consumed by his worries about where he's going to stay and whether or not he's going to get the job etc. and especially in the patriarchal society we live in, both of those are going to be extremely important to him. Men also are not generally as good at multi-tasking as women are. I can't remember the exact study, but there is biological evidence to support the fact that men's brains are generally more compartamentalised than women's, meaning you may be able to be stressed about one thing and worried about another and still keep up your relationship, but his being stressed out and worried might simply be what he needs to focus on right now.

My opinion would be don't always approach communication like it has to be a big deal. If something he says bothers you, either casually mention it or have a talk if necessary, but be open and honest about it. Stop withholding information and feelings from him. I think you'd be surprised at how much partners tend to feed off of one another. If you're constantly withholding your upsets and not communicating your true feelings, he's going to pick up on that, whether or not he brings it up outright, and that's going to effect the way he's communicating with you as well.

[ldrhourglass]

Agree with a lot of what others have said. But also agree with Eclaire that you are putting yourself up to be disappointed. How do I know this? My dear, the very reason I replied to your thread was because I do some over thinking of my own. Let me break down what went on in your head about his trip to the car show? Well, its just a little natural jealousy that he was out there enjoying and you were at home/office or wherever you were, waiting to hear from him. So the little devil voice in your head says, lets make it impossible for him to ignore us, lets send a sexy pic and test whether he responds to this. If he responds, we will be beyond happy, if he doesn't we can go back to feeling bad/sad and thinking he is purposely doing all the ignoring. And these things keep going on in a loop. Say his phone was on and he had sent just a smiley and nothing more, you would have worried yourself sick as to why it wasn't more than a smiley. And maybe you would have sent more pics or asked him more about why he isn't sending anything. Am I right? Coz I know I have done this quite a few times.

In the thick of it, it seems like we are so bloody right. If we were in their place we would have done this and that. These loops of thoughts become difficult to break. I am going through somewhat of a better phase which is why I am even able to tell you all this calmly lol. Or else I can be very cranky. Eclaire above is also right in saying sometimes its not possible to put the partner first. It took me a long time to get used to that idea and I still have my lapses.

Whenever the thought assails you and you feel like sending him something cutesy or angry, count backwards from 1000 to 1. No serious lol. Try to distract yourself and try to tell yourself whatever be the case you will be fine. It may not make all the panicky thoughts go, but it will make them slightly more manageable. Even if he is a cad girl, you need to believe, you won't stay a victim to the experience.

[FierceFoxie]

I completely understand the pain of overanalysing, and I empathise, I do, but I feel like you're doing a lot of putting yourself in these situations. For example, you made a bet that he couldn't resist you, he did, and as opposed to communicating your feelings to him right then, you sat on it for a while and allowed it to fester before finally opening up about it. Now, you're upset and feeling insecure because some of what was said on the phone, yet you weren't entirely honest about your reason for asking if he's been stressed out and you didn't communicate, directly, how you were feeling when he didn't say he missed you too or when you brought up when you were next going to see each other. I feel like both of these situations could have been avoided had you been upfront from the get go. Whether he has this sixth sense or not, he's not a mindreader, same as you can't always read what's on his mind, and sometimes we have to up and ask for the reassurance we need from our partners because of it. While your partner may generally be great about reading into your cues, cluing into your hints and therefore being able to give you what you need, because he's been stressed out, he may be too into himself to notice much of it. And that's okay.

The issue is that his being stressed out does not mean you should stop communicating your needs. I'm not sure if, say, the issue with the bet would have happened had he not been so stressed out, i.e. I'm not sure if you generally have difficulty communicating your feelings when you're upset or not, but situations like that are only going to contribute to the stress/negativity of the situation, either on your end or his, and that's not healthy for either of you. I'm not saying you need to sit him down with a big ol' "we need to talk," but for example, my partner was on the iPad, using Skype, and we typically say goodnight over Skype messenger after hanging up the call before finally going to bed. The other night, he typed "Ily." It was the first time he had ever shortened it. Knowing he was exhausted but also knowing I would sit on it the rest of the night, I said, "Why Ily? :P" and he said he was tired and that was about the end of it. In response to, "oh, yea?", you could have said, playfully, "what, no I miss you too? :P" It's easy to overthink a situation as opposed to attributing it to what's more realistic, such as that he's tired or not feeling well.

What you have to be wary of is that you're not projecting meaning onto what he's saying or not saying, doing or not doing. If your inclination is, when upset, to get out of his bed and climb back into your own to brood, then you're going to be more likely to assume that something's wrong when he exhibits similar behaviour. However, he sounds like he's fairly straightforward and so I would try to concentrate on that as opposed to likening his behaviour to your own. When you start overanalysing and getting upset and letting your mind wander, I think that's the time I would take a moment to stop, breathe, and look to what's happened in the past. Is it often that your worries are overly exaggerated, and they end up being off the mark as far as accuracy? Or do your worries, in this relationship, generally turn out to have some merit or value? My guess would be that your tendency to overanalyse leads to your tendency to exaggerate a problem and that leads to a tendency to worry unnecessarily about what could very well be an imagined issue. When you start hitting that point of irrationality, I would honestly stop yourself, say out loud if you have to that you're being irrational, and then do something to keep busy and keep your mind off it as best you can. Repeat that as many times as is necessary.

The other thing to think about is that he's been stressed out. That means he's been dealing with what he needs to deal with, and that needs to take precedence right now. We can't always be in a place where we put our partners first, and that means that sometimes texting or phone calls get put on the back burner for a bit. At this point, I wouldn't assume it's so much because he's gotten comfortable (though that very well may be the case) as simply that his life his picked up and so he's having to learn how to manage it. He's having to balance his own personal stressors in addition to his social life in addition to keeping things up with you, and it's not easy when anyone hits a point of transition. It sounds like his mind is currently consumed by his worries about where he's going to stay and whether or not he's going to get the job etc. and especially in the patriarchal society we live in, both of those are going to be extremely important to him. Men also are not generally as good at multi-tasking as women are. I can't remember the exact study, but there is biological evidence to support the fact that men's brains are generally more compartamentalised than women's, meaning you may be able to be stressed about one thing and worried about another and still keep up your relationship, but his being stressed out and worried might simply be what he needs to focus on right now.

My opinion would be don't always approach communication like it has to be a big deal. If something he says bothers you, either casually mention it or have a talk if necessary, but be open and honest about it. Stop withholding information and feelings from him. I think you'd be surprised at how much partners tend to feed off of one another. If you're constantly withholding your upsets and not communicating your true feelings, he's going to pick up on that, whether or not he brings it up outright, and that's going to effect the way he's communicating with you as well.

Thanks for your response Eclaire. You are right on many of your points. I am kicking myself in the pants right now about not telling him that it bothered me that he didn't say he missed me either. It made me sad that he didn't respond with something better than "Oh, yea?" but I guess it's because I am looking at past behavior. he has sometimes replied with an "oh yea?" and sometimes he has said "I miss you too". Right now, I needed to hear "I miss you too" because of feeling insecure about the relationship.

My greatest fear right now is coming off looking needy because I know that is a huge turn-off for most stable people. I don't want to be THAT girl that is all needy and complaining about him not calling enough and not texting enough. Ya know? At the same time I want to feel as though I can communicate my feelings with him. I feel communication is vital and since he is an honest guy, I know that he would want to know if something is bothering me.

In the beginning of the dating part of the relationship, there was something that came up and he noticed how I withdrew from texting. It was very unlikely for me to go hours without texting him and when he hadn't heard from me all day, he knew something was up. I was gathering my thoughts and trying to figure out if I should mention it to him or not. At the end of the day, I told him what was bothering me and how I was afraid of bringing it up since we were only dating and not in a committed relationship. He told me "I would rather you be honest with me and just tell me when something is bothering you than to let it eat you up all day". So I know he wants me to always be honest with my communication.

Is it too late now? Is it too late to tell him his response of "oh yea" instead of "I miss you too" bothered me or is he gonna be like "why didn't you tell me last night instead of waiting a day or x days to tell me?"

[FierceFoxie]

Agree with a lot of what others have said. But also agree with Eclaire that you are putting yourself up to be disappointed. How do I know this? My dear, the very reason I replied to your thread was because I do some over thinking of my own. Let me break down what went on in your head about his trip to the car show? Well, its just a little natural jealousy that he was out there enjoying and you were at home/office or wherever you were, waiting to hear from him. So the little devil voice in your head says, lets make it impossible for him to ignore us, lets send a sexy pic and test whether he responds to this. If he responds, we will be beyond happy, if he doesn't we can go back to feeling bad/sad and thinking he is purposely doing all the ignoring. And these things keep going on in a loop. Say his phone was on and he had sent just a smiley and nothing more, you would have worried yourself sick as to why it wasn't more than a smiley. And maybe you would have sent more pics or asked him more about why he isn't sending anything. Am I right? Coz I know I have done this quite a few times.

In the thick of it, it seems like we are so bloody right. If we were in their place we would have done this and that. These loops of thoughts become difficult to break. I am going through somewhat of a better phase which is why I am even able to tell you all this calmly lol. Or else I can be very cranky. Eclaire above is also right in saying sometimes its not possible to put the partner first. It took me a long time to get used to that idea and I still have my lapses.

Whenever the thought assails you and you feel like sending him something cutesy or angry, count backwards from 1000 to 1. No serious lol. Try to distract yourself and try to tell yourself whatever be the case you will be fine. It may not make all the panicky thoughts go, but it will make them slightly more manageable. Even if he is a cad girl, you need to believe, you won't stay a victim to the experience.

You're right. I sent the photo to test him. I admit. I wanted to hear him compliment me. Like how beautiful I was or how much it made him miss me more. I had sent a photo of me last Easter all dressed up with my son and he gave no response. Just a few hours later asking for help on his math question. So, I was a bit annoyed but let it slide figuring "Oh it's Easter and he's studying for his test and he has his boys with him this weekend". But I was upset and I should have told him then that I was. And that was really the start of the communication backing off. I heard from him via text only 3 messages that day and then it became the norm for him for the week to follow. Which is why I posted this thread because something had changed.

I need to start putting my phone away somewhere whenever I get those thoughts of sending him something cutesy and just looking for a response!

But you're right about the loop and I know I am totally guilty of testing him out that way.

[FierceFoxie]

The other thing to think about is that he's been stressed out. That means he's been dealing with what he needs to deal with, and that needs to take precedence right now. We can't always be in a place where we put our partners first, and that means that sometimes texting or phone calls get put on the back burner for a bit. At this point, I wouldn't assume it's so much because he's gotten comfortable (though that very well may be the case) as simply that his life his picked up and so he's having to learn how to manage it. He's having to balance his own personal stressors in addition to his social life in addition to keeping things up with you, and it's not easy when anyone hits a point of transition. It sounds like his mind is currently consumed by his worries about where he's going to stay and whether or not he's going to get the job etc. and especially in the patriarchal society we live in, both of those are going to be extremely important to him. Men also are not generally as good at multi-tasking as women are. I can't remember the exact study, but there is biological evidence to support the fact that men's brains are generally more compartamentalised than women's, meaning you may be able to be stressed about one thing and worried about another and still keep up your relationship, but his being stressed out and worried might simply be what he needs to focus on right now.

My opinion would be don't always approach communication like it has to be a big deal. If something he says bothers you, either casually mention it or have a talk if necessary, but be open and honest about it. Stop withholding information and feelings from him. I think you'd be surprised at how much partners tend to feed off of one another. If you're constantly withholding your upsets and not communicating your true feelings, he's going to pick up on that, whether or not he brings it up outright, and that's going to effect the way he's communicating with you as well.

So is holding off to communicate problems even while he is stressed out right now a bad way to deal with it? I'm a nurturer, so by habit I always wanna see that someone is taken care of that I don't inconvenience myself on them etc. I give, give, give until I can't anymore. So I feel like right now that I do not want to stress him out so I am refraining from telling him these things that bother me. ...And now that I have written this out, I am seeing how I am being ridiculous withholding information from him. he would probably be able to carry on a lot better if we squashed the problem instead of letting it slide by until it comes up again.

[Haley53]

Thanks for your response Eclaire. You are right on many of your points. I am kicking myself in the pants right now about not telling him that it bothered me that he didn't say he missed me either. It made me sad that he didn't respond with something better than "Oh, yea?" but I guess it's because I am looking at past behavior. he has sometimes replied with an "oh yea?" and sometimes he has said "I miss you too". Right now, I needed to hear "I miss you too" because of feeling insecure about the relationship.

My greatest fear right now is coming off looking needy because I know that is a huge turn-off for most stable people. I don't want to be THAT girl that is all needy and complaining about him not calling enough and not texting enough. Ya know? At the same time I want to feel as though I can communicate my feelings with him. I feel communication is vital and since he is an honest guy, I know that he would want to know if something is bothering me.

In the beginning of the dating part of the relationship, there was something that came up and he noticed how I withdrew from texting. It was very unlikely for me to go hours without texting him and when he hadn't heard from me all day, he knew something was up. I was gathering my thoughts and trying to figure out if I should mention it to him or not. At the end of the day, I told him what was bothering me and how I was afraid of bringing it up since we were only dating and not in a committed relationship. He told me "I would rather you be honest with me and just tell me when something is bothering you than to let it eat you up all day". So I know he wants me to always be honest with my communication.

Is it too late now? Is it too late to tell him his response of "oh yea" instead of "I miss you too" bothered me or is he gonna be like "why didn't you tell me last night instead of waiting a day or x days to tell me?"

Hm, well, it depends on how much it bothered you. You say that sometimes he says he misses you too and sometimes he says something similar to what he said then, the other night. Would it not be possible to text him and say, "hey, I'm really missing you and feeling a bit insecure. Could you tell me you miss me too and that we'll work out a visit when we can?" or something like that? Sometimes asking directly is a better way of going about it than bringing something that they might have thought was either off the table or that didn't even register. That said, there have been times I have brought things up to my partner that I have tried to let go but that were still bothering me a few days later, so if it really is eating you up, I don't think it's too late to mention it.

As far as coming off needy, I don't think you need to go immediately to asking him to text/call more often. Like I said, he's stressed out and probably needs to have the focus on him and his sons at the moment. I wouldn't assume immediately that it's because he's gotten comfortable and so it's something you need to talk over. If this continued after his life has settled, as in he either does not get the job or he does get it and he finds a place, that's when I would talk to him about the contact, not before. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our partners. After my partner's mother passed away, he had himself and his brother to think about, and I had to deal with very little contact for around a month, maybe a month and a half, limited to a text or two a day, if that. It's difficult as hell being the partner on that end, but sometimes people really need to focus getting their lives back on track and I believe that as partners, sometimes we can put our needs aside long enough to let them do so. That said, I would work on being clearer or more honest about certain situations, such as why you were asking if he's been stressed or saying things such as "no 'I miss you too'?" Having needs doesn't make someone needy.

[FierceFoxie]

Hm, well, it depends on how much it bothered you. You say that sometimes he says he misses you too and sometimes he says something similar to what he said then, the other night. Would it not be possible to text him and say, "hey, I'm really missing you and feeling a bit insecure. Could you tell me you miss me too and that we'll work out a visit when we can?" or something like that? Sometimes asking directly is a better way of going about it than bringing something that they might have thought was either off the table or that didn't even register. That said, there have been times I have brought things up to my partner that I have tried to let go but that were still bothering me a few days later, so if it really is eating you up, I don't think it's too late to mention it.

Haha, we must be thinking alike because before I even read this post, I went to the gym and texted him "I hate missing you so much" and he responded with "So, just be done with it" (which to anyone else may seem cruel but it's actually a saying we came up with when we are missing one another, we would say "I'm done missing you" - which actually for us is the opposite of not missing one another. I know...goofy but we've been saying this for about 5 months of the relationship now.)

Anyhow I said:Are you done? Done missing me?
He said: Yup
I said: But I want to be missed.
He said: Lol, you are

That's what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that he missed me and I was satisfied after hearing that. He then followed up telling me he is off work early because he is feeling really sick now and just ready to go home and sleep.

As far as coming off needy, I don't think you need to go immediately to asking him to text/call more often. Like I said, he's stressed out and probably needs to have the focus on him and his sons at the moment. I wouldn't assume immediately that it's because he's gotten comfortable and so it's something you need to talk over. If this continued after his life has settled, as in he either does not get the job or he does get it and he finds a place, that's when I would talk to him about the contact, not before. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our partners. After my partner's mother passed away, he had himself and his brother to think about, and I had to deal with very little contact for around a month, maybe a month and a half, limited to a text or two a day, if that. It's difficult as hell being the partner on that end, but sometimes people really need to focus getting their lives back on track and I believe that as partners, sometimes we can put our needs aside long enough to let them do so. That said, I would work on being clearer or more honest about certain situations, such as why you were asking if he's been stressed or saying things such as "no 'I miss you too'?" Having needs doesn't make someone needy.

I agree, which is why I was trying to not make a big deal about all this.

Yea, I definitely need to work on being more open as things happen. I guess it's just because I don't know him well enough to predict how he will act. We've only got into that one conflict when he made a remark about me weight training like a man, so trying to predict how to handle things with him is still a bit of a mystery. Especially when I feel I have to hold off on important discussions for when we are face to face. I feel some topics need to be handled face to face versus a phone or text message. Since we do not skype, that means me having to wait until I see him next which can sometimes be several weeks.

[FierceFoxie]

Good grief! I am driving myself nuts with how much he has changed his contact habits. So this week was his interview right, so I totally cut him some slack. On Wednesday, I had not received my usual "good morning" text and despite him not texting me good morning everyday last week, I would just go ahead and do it. But anyhow, so on Wednesday I didn't greet him "Good morning", I texted him "What? No good morning text? " He quickly responded apologizing and saying it was really hectic at work. Ok...I understand that.

His interview was Thursday so I didn't bother him all morning. He text me at about noon to say he had his interview and he didn't feel good about it. The exchanges were brief and few and I figured I would hold off until the evening and I pretty much expected him to call me in the evening to tell me all about it. Sometime in the evening, he sent me a text accusing me of being so quiet all day. So, I immediately called him and we spoke for an hour (he still is sick.)

Once again...Friday, no text message. So I caved and texted him Good Morning (I dropped the babe or hun) and just told him I was thinking of him and hope he had a good day. He responded an hour later notifying me he did not get the job. So ok...I cut him slack that he was having a not so great day because of that news. About 2 hours after he got off of work he called me and we spoke for an hour until his boys arrived for their weekend visit.

He is at work today, it's nearly 2pm and still nothing from him! Is he now expecting me to send him the morning texts because it's what he has basically been accustomed to the past week? Should I wait and not say hello first today? What should I say if he accuses me of being quiet today? I feel dumb even having to ask this advice and I know it's my fault for not telling him it bothers me but I thought that by telling him my Wednesday message, he would get the hint that I look forward to his morning texts and it is what I have been accustomed to for the entire amount of the relationship.

[marbear31]

Good grief! I am driving myself nuts with how much he has changed his contact habits. So this week was his interview right, so I totally cut him some slack. On Wednesday, I had not received my usual "good morning" text and despite him not texting me good morning everyday last week, I would just go ahead and do it. But anyhow, so on Wednesday I didn't greet him "Good morning", I texted him "What? No good morning text? " He quickly responded apologizing and saying it was really hectic at work. Ok...I understand that.

His interview was Thursday so I didn't bother him all morning. He text me at about noon to say he had his interview and he didn't feel good about it. The exchanges were brief and few and I figured I would hold off until the evening and I pretty much expected him to call me in the evening to tell me all about it. Sometime in the evening, he sent me a text accusing me of being so quiet all day. So, I immediately called him and we spoke for an hour (he still is sick.)

Once again...Friday, no text message. So I caved and texted him Good Morning (I dropped the babe or hun) and just told him I was thinking of him and hope he had a good day. He responded an hour later notifying me he did not get the job. So ok...I cut him slack that he was having a not so great day because of that news. About 2 hours after he got off of work he called me and we spoke for an hour until his boys arrived for their weekend visit.

He is at work today, it's nearly 2pm and still nothing from him! Is he now expecting me to send him the morning texts because it's what he has basically been accustomed to the past week? Should I wait and not say hello first today? What should I say if he accuses me of being quiet today? I feel dumb even having to ask this advice and I know it's my fault for not telling him it bothers me but I thought that by telling him my Wednesday message, he would get the hint that I look forward to his morning texts and it is what I have been accustomed to for the entire amount of the relationship.

I hope this doesn't come off as sexist, but guys don't take hints very well. I'm speaking from personal experience, and it's just how guys are. I think when we "hint" at things, we automatically assume guys are on the same wavelength as us, but (as it can with members of the same sex as well), things just get lost in translation sometimes, and the best way is to say i directly. It still sounds to me like he's just stressed about stuff at work, especially if he didn't get this new job, and if he's sick, plus has two kids, texting is probably not the first thing on his mind. Also, when it comes down to the essence of your relationship, texting is a minor thing. Just keep in mind that he cares about you, loves you, and if it's truly bothering you as much as you say it is, just tell him!! Maybe you could say something like, "Hey, I've been missing your good morning texts! They always make me so happy!" or something along those lines. Put a positive spin on it, and it'll motivate him to do it.

I remember when I was CD with my SO, and I'd constantly be checking my phone to see if he texted me, but I didn't like how I was glued to my phone. Just remember there's more to a relationship than simple texts, and don't drive yourself nuts over something so minor. It sucks, but don't worry--he still cares for you. If he really starts cutting down in communication, back off a little, and let him come to you. He'll come round in his own time, and it'll be so much more worth it when it's an organic, natural process.

Best of luck hon!

[FierceFoxie]

I hope this doesn't come off as sexist, but guys don't take hints very well. I'm speaking from personal experience, and it's just how guys are. I think when we "hint" at things, we automatically assume guys are on the same wavelength as us, but (as it can with members of the same sex as well), things just get lost in translation sometimes, and the best way is to say i directly. It still sounds to me like he's just stressed about stuff at work, especially if he didn't get this new job, and if he's sick, plus has two kids, texting is probably not the first thing on his mind. Also, when it comes down to the essence of your relationship, texting is a minor thing. Just keep in mind that he cares about you, loves you, and if it's truly bothering you as much as you say it is, just tell him!! Maybe you could say something like, "Hey, I've been missing your good morning texts! They always make me so happy!" or something along those lines. Put a positive spin on it, and it'll motivate him to do it.

I remember when I was CD with my SO, and I'd constantly be checking my phone to see if he texted me, but I didn't like how I was glued to my phone. Just remember there's more to a relationship than simple texts, and don't drive yourself nuts over something so minor. It sucks, but don't worry--he still cares for you. If he really starts cutting down in communication, back off a little, and let him come to you. He'll come round in his own time, and it'll be so much more worth it when it's an organic, natural process.

Best of luck hon!

Marbear, thank you sooo much! This just what I needed to hear. I like your suggestion of putting a positive spin on it by telling him "Hey, I've been missing your good morning texts! They always make me so happy!" I'll do that.

He ended up texting me at about 3pm saying "Well, I hope you're having a good day". I couldn't tell if he was perhaps annoyed with me for not saying hello to him first or if he was just being curious as to what I was up to. *shrugs* We have exchanged a few more texts and he seems to be in a good mood even teasing me a bit. So I dunno what the deal is.

You're right, he probably didn't get my hint and I obviously need to be more direct with him. Thanks again!

[marbear31]

Marbear, thank you sooo much! This just what I needed to hear. I like your suggestion of putting a positive spin on it by telling him "Hey, I've been missing your good morning texts! They always make me so happy!" I'll do that.

He ended up texting me at about 3pm saying "Well, I hope you're having a good day". I couldn't tell if he was perhaps annoyed with me for not saying hello to him first or if he was just being curious as to what I was up to. *shrugs* We have exchanged a few more texts and he seems to be in a good mood even teasing me a bit. So I dunno what the deal is.

You're right, he probably didn't get my hint and I obviously need to be more direct with him. Thanks again!

No probs hon! Hope it went well, and mind games are just silly in the long run, cause no one really wins or loses. I've been there, done that, and it's just too much time and mental energy wasted on misperceptions and hoped-for circumstances that turn out way better with direct communication. Wishing you continued luck and love!

[FierceFoxie]

Well, I decided I had to address this issue now since he was continuing to be so distant in contact through out the weekend even though I know he was at home and not out with his friends or anything like that. I asked him if everything was ok because I have noticed that his texting habits have changed. I did tell him "I got so accustomed to having your good morning texts everyday because it just makes me happy and starts off my day really good". I also told him that I have noticed over the past week he wasn't texting me the good morning ones anymore. I also mentioned how he rarely says goodnight to me anymore and now he seems to be holding off on responding to me until 10-12+ hours later.

His response was that he had noticed the same thing on my side and he figured I was just busy. So here this entire time I had noticed his text habits changed and then from his point of view he thinks I changed mine.

Anyhow, I specifically brought up even yesterday how I will spew off a conversation and get no response until like 12 hours later and that his response is usually a "hi" message because it is now the next day without him ever acknowledging the conversation I apparently had with myself! He just said "if I respond with 1 message, then I get 28.5 from you!" That hurt a bit and I know he was joking because he threw a LOL in it but still. There has got to be some truth there.

I told him if I suddenly started messaging him short 1 text responses he would assume something was up and he did agree he would.

I told him that this was bothering me because when I am with him, regardless if his boys are there or not he checks his phone every 5 minutes. So for him to do that same behavior when I am not there and then completely ignore my texts upsets me.

So I told him I am just sayin' that I noticed the text responses have changed and I wanted to make sure things were ok. Ok with us. He said "things are fine, hun."


He didn't apologize and didn't really give a further explanation or give me some sort of assurance that he would work on it.

A few minutes later he asked about my day and then we went into other drama going on with his ex and a stunt she pulled today.

I feel confident that I conveyed what I needed to, to him which was "stop ignoring my texts!" however; the true test is to see if he takes action.

We have good communication ordinarily. I was just being a ****** this week so I wouldn't stress him out for this interview. But when something has bothered me, I would bring it up and he would actually listen and reinforce whatever it was that I was asking of him. Like, it was bothering me that whenever I saw him on weekends he had his boys, he would let them stay up until midnight or later and I felt it left no alone time for us. No time just to talk one on one. So after confronting him on that, he told me 10pm would be their bedtime and then he enforced it and I was really proud of him making the effort to get them in bed every night at that time.