Trying to make some changes.

[katylynnlee]

I am moving very soon to go to college and to see my SO. Now, I am feeling the urge to hang out with as many as my friends as possible before I leave. I've come to a bit of a stand still in the past though, because I use to kind of like my old best friend. It was a weird situation, but I got out of it because I didn't want anyone getting hurt. Then I started dating my current SO.

My SO and I have been together for almost 2 years, and recently (I have this posted almost everywhere, haha) we took an unofficial break. That meaning that we were not official on Facebook but talked everyday and tried to work on things. Originally I was planning on seeing how things went when I moved up there, but tonight I spontaneously added our relationship status back because I think it's ridiculous of me to worry what other people think about it (my friends don't really like him much, post-breakup).

Now I'm thinking I shouldn't let anything stop me really. My SO has been a tad uncomfortable with me hanging around this old best friend of mine, because I use to like him. But I know for a fact that in that situation, the only reason I liked him was because my other friend was all over him. Sounds weird, right? Well, it's more of a case of "want-what-you-can't-have". Since I wasn't in a relationship with anyone else, and he was one of the only boys I hung around, he all of a sudden seemed attractive to me. But before he was totally in my friend zone. What I'm saying is I want to hang out with this friend and a few of my other friends before I leave, just to sort of settle the awkwardness. I'm worried my SO may be uncomfortable with it. He doesn't understand, and counts it down to "woman logic". :P

I'm just wondering if this is a good idea. I mean, I'm worried myself about how I feel about this guy. I'm more so worried it might be awkward. But I think about when we use to just be buds, and I miss those times. I'm really kind of a tom boy at heart. Lately, I've embraced my girly side. I want to reconnect with my old friends before I go, is this wise? Help meeee!

[Phantomrose]

Maybe you should communicate with your SO about wanting to hang out with your guy friend? Explain your situation, and say that you just want to hang with your friends before you leave for college. I am sure he will understand that part. On the other hand, you say that you are worried how you feel about the guy friend. Do you still have a crush on him, or are you over him completely?

[katylynnlee]

Thanks for the response. I talked to him a bit about it, and he says he's not comfortable. We're both kind of jealous people, and when we first started dating, he had a friend who was a female that I wasn't comfortable with either. It's pretty much the exact situation. He said that he stopped hanging out with her out of respect to me, so I think he wants me to do the same. Which I can understand.

I'm just not sure what to do, because shouldn't we both be able to hang out with our friends? I feel bad about him not hanging out with his female friend anymore. And we both haven't seen these people in years. Maybe it's really silly and unnecessary. We've both done things with these people, but as of right now, I could care less about my guy friend, other than the fact that we use to be friends.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense or not, but I'm just worried that maybe me wanting to see my friend is selfish. Or that maybe we're restricting each other from having friends? I've talked to a couple of people and they've said it's healthy for you and your partner to have a variety of friends of both sexes. Lately, I've been having a bit of an identity crisis and have been feeling a need to hang out with old friends to see if I still like the same things. Talking to my SO helped a lot though. I just want to make sure it's normal. :P

[Haley53]

It is healthy, in my opinion, to have a variety of friends of both sexes, or at least to gravitate towards the people you would normally, i.e. don't run out and make opposite-sex friends simply because it's what's viewed as healthy.

My opinion is that if he stopped seeing his female friend of his own accord, then he has no right to expect you to do the same. You expressed being uncomfortable and he received and understood it. In my opinion, that's what he can, and should, expect from you. He should not expect you to drop friends for him, same as you should not expect him to drop friends for you. One, that's putting a bandaid over the trust issues that require a good fixing, and two, it's controlling behaviour, and creates a rather unhealthy dynamic, such as the one that's coming into play here.

Now if you went deadpan honest and told him you're worried to meet up with this male friend because of previous feelings, well... I'm not sure I would ever have been that honest without careful thought and secondly, I'm not sure I would have considered it if that were one of my concerns. However, to me it sounds more like you're interested in reconnecting with your old friends (male and female, if I'm understanding things correctly?) and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with catching up and being honest, a lot of the time people grow in different directions for different reasons; I don't know of many people who've ended up hitting it off with people they've moved on from, after reconnecting, to the point their relationship is anything beyond acquaintence-ship, even if it does happen. But I think you should be allowed to go and that even if your SO is uncomfortable with it, well, that's where trust comes in.

So long as you trust yourself not to do anything, that should be what matters. My SO went through a brief time of associating (re-associating) with an ex I can't stand, but I had to deal with that. Knowing I could trust him with her didn't mean I did. :P She's no longer in the picture and nothing ever happened between the two of them, but I did have to get used to her for a while. -shrug- And I did have to work on that issue within myself, because that's who it started and ended with: me. Your jealousy issues start and end with you, same as his start and end with him. You can't be tip-toeing around the other though and making changes in your lives simply to avoid making the other jealous. If my partner gets jealous, I will console him, yes, but he's well aware I don't let anyone control my decisions. You both shouldn't either.

If you're both taking this time to work on the relationship, then I would say work on nipping this in the bud. People seem to think that the distance is the reason for their jealousy and I assure you, if it exists in a distance relationship, it will eventually exist in a close-distance relationship; it simply takes time, in that case. But jealousy and lack of trust can easily destroy a relationship, so I'd say do what you need to do for you, and the both of you try working harder on nipping your jealousies before they rear their green heads.

[Phantomrose]

It is normal to have friends of both sexes. I have a few guy friends, and a few girl friends that I like to hang with, and my SO has the same. Communicating with your SO can help a lot with this kind of thing, and I am glad to hear that talking to him helped a lot. I can also understand that he would want you to not hang out with the guy friend, since he stopped hanging out with the female friend out of respect for you. You seem to be making sense to me. :P

[katylynnlee]

I've kind of been avoiding it, because I honestly don't know if it's worth "rocking the boat" so to speak. I am concerned about our jealousy issues, but I don't know if this is worth bringing it out. I get stressed over bringing it up or thinking about it, but I don't want to be scared to upset him. I guess I'm just worried he'll get upset if I hang out with other boys, and I hate it when he's upset.

He doesn't want me hanging out with him, and it makes me kind of sad. But he stopped hanging out with his friend to make me happy, so I kind of feel obligated. I'm just really frustrated and I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't want it to affect our relationship.

EDIT: It's hard to look at it from both sides of the relationship. I talked to him earlier, and he just thinks because we've both done stuff with the other people, that we're both not comfortable with it. I mean, I say that I wouldn't mind if he hung around his female friend... But it would bother me a bit. Maybe not as much now, but before it really did. I just don't want to have an unhealthy relationship.

[Haley53]

Have you explained this to him:

He doesn't want me hanging out with him, and it makes me kind of sad. But he stopped hanging out with his friend to make me happy, so I kind of feel obligated. I'm just really frustrated and I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't want it to affect our relationship.

I mean you could be really honest with him and, like I said, assuming you didn't ask him to not hang out with her any longer, tell him that you appreciate that he respected your discomfort, but that you never asked him to stop hanging out with her and would hope he never felt pressured by you to do so. You could tell him that you don't want this causing issues in your relationship, from either end, because you will both be meeting, interacting, and maybe befriending people of the opposite sex. Maybe hanging out with this guy friend isn't worth rocking the boat? But I think it's definitely worth him being a catalyst for having an honest discussion about jealousy and how you both can choose to work on it so that these situations are avoided in the future.

[katylynnlee]

Have you explained this to him:



I mean you could be really honest with him and, like I said, assuming you didn't ask him to not hang out with her any longer, tell him that you appreciate that he respected your discomfort, but that you never asked him to stop hanging out with her and would hope he never felt pressured by you to do so. You could tell him that you don't want this causing issues in your relationship, from either end, because you will both be meeting, interacting, and maybe befriending people of the opposite sex. Maybe hanging out with this guy friend isn't worth rocking the boat? But I think it's definitely worth him being a catalyst for having an honest discussion about jealousy and how you both can choose to work on it so that these situations are avoided in the future.

He said that he would be fine if I met new people when I moved up there, because they'd be new people and I wouldn't have history with them, I guess. But I'm a little bit a jealous person and this could be distance contributing, but when he met some girls at a party he went to, and continued to talk to them, I was uncomfortable. So I think that he might be bothered if I meet new people too? I just don't think that sounds healthy and I feel like I can't talk to/hang out with people, or I might ruin our relationship or something.

EDIT: this could be all in my head though, but it might not be. I tend to make a big deal over things that aren't a big deal.

[katylynnlee]

Thank you all for the advice! I kind of worked things out with my SO, and I think a lot of my rants like this are just overthinking things. Even though I've been dating him for almost two years, we're still getting use to seeing things from two sides of the story. (I also asked my mom, and she said to think about things in his point of view). I think I'm having a touch of home sick already, because I've been wanting to hang out with all my old friends before I leave, maybe some of them aren't exactly appropriate?

I don't know, things will work out in the end. But thank you so much for the awesome advice! You guys are great.