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    Work - How to Minimise the Feelings of Guilt?

    So, long story short, my partner is incredibly supportive of my goals and ambitions, regardless of what that means, and he has been absolutely wonderful on the front of supporting me and even encouraging me to go for it, but he also has vulnerabilities to the idea of my no longer having time to spend on him due to insecurities left over by an ex.

    Now, I am very good at making my relationship a priority, as is he, and we're both fairly committed to speaking even when there are conflicting circumstances. Even when he did not have internet for around a month, maybe a little over, we still managed to text once or twice a day (or every other) and we still managed to push through it, difficult as it was. And yet, despite all this, I still feel massive sensations of guilt thinking about work.

    As a tutor, I have flexible hours, but I am getting increasingly busier. Though I normally cater to K-8 students, this past year I have tutored primarily students at a high school and college level. With it being April, nearing the end of the semester, students have needed more and more hours. I currently tutor four students and this month have averaged out at about 10 hours per week, which is being increased and I'll be working at around 15 hours per week. This is on top of being a full-time student.

    Now, here's the thing, it pays well, very well, and so I'm generally not shy about taking on new hours. And I could use the money. I have expenses to pay, such as food and regular grooming for my dog, and starting in May, my 55.00 a month phone bill (and any overages). I have my summer trip to think about, as up until this point, I had been relying on a sum of 600.00 I'm owed by my mother to help pay for it, but as it may not be something she's able to afford by the time I will need it, having the money in my account is almost necessary to be able to see my SO in the summer as planned. I also have my working holiday that's planned for after graduation, which I will be applying for next spring. It's a year away, but given that the cost is going to be something like 5-6,000.00 total, and that's assuming I have a return ticket, I want to start saving and thinking in advance. I also want to have as much savings as possible for when I'm there. As for finding stable, normal "work," not only do I make in one hour what I'd make in three working for minimum wage, it's hard to find a job that wants to take on a student whose schedule changes every three months three times out of the year.

    And yet I feel guilty for all of this. My partner is extremely supportive, especially as a good chunk of this money is going into savings preparing for our future, and we do have time for one another. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we have until around 3:30pm to talk. Tuesdays and Thursdays are a bit busier, but we still generally have the afternoon, and all of Thursday evening. And then there are the weekends, where Saturday is busy but Sunday is not. When he's on a proper sleep schedule, he's usually in bed by the time I am tutoring, and when he's not, he's usually up late enough that we still get our chances to Skype. I figure I can set Sunday evenings aside, if all else fails, or some other evening for Skype time, once a week where we definitely get our chance to talk if we're so inclined. Yet I can't help but feel like I'm pushing him aside for money. It's strange because we do get time together. I can't always put him before work, but that's life. It happens and you work around it. This is me putting a future in place for us and yet it feels strange.

    He is 110% accepting of this. He has never once raised an issue about it. The time we spoke about being busy and his vulnerability to my losing time was in regards to grad school, when I'll still be a student but much busier than the luxurious schedule I have been allotted in my undergraduate studies. It had nothing at all to do with work. Maybe it's because I felt so unprepared for this? This is the busiest I've been since starting university and it all happened very, very unexpectedly and in the midst of a lot of chaos. But I can't help but feel guilt every time I take on more hours or schedule in a particularly busy week. I don't want my partner to feel neglected, even if he's never told me that he does. :/ It's also possible that I am so stressed out about this because after his mother passed away, I got into such a habit of being there practically 24/7 that I forgot all about me and what I have to do. I'm not doing that this quarter. It is more about me and what I need to do, even when it comes to being in terms of him and our relationship, but I feel so miserably guilty and selfish for it, and I'm not sure how to make the feelings go away.

    Thoughts?
    { Our Story on LFAD }


    Our Beginning
    Met online: February 2009
    Feelings confessed: December 2010
    Unofficially together since: January/February 2011
    Officially together since: 08 April 2011

    Our Story
    First meeting in person: 16 August - 14 September 2011
    Second visit: 17 March - 01 April 2012
    Third visit: 23 July - 13 September 2012
    Fourth visit: Looking at 23 March - 6 April 2013

    Our Happily Ever After
    to be continued...

    #2
    I think you're overthinking this. 15 hours a week is not a lot, and it would be extraordinarily immature if your SO didn't understand what seems to be a minuscule dip in communication.

    I do think it's so lovely that you're so considerate of being there for him because of his mom's passing, though. I just think you're beating yourself up a tad too much. He'll understand.

    Comment


      #3
      I think you should just have a somewhat lighthearted chat about it, NOT over text though On the phone/Skype/Google/whatever. Start the conversation before he starts feeling insecure or neglected, tell him that you totally know how godawful busy you are right now, and how awesome he is about it, and how much you love and miss him (don't forget to be grateful, too!). Make sure he knows he is a priority, even though everything is all crazy at the moment. Laugh a little, reminding him it's a temporary situation and the money will be very helpful for you both. Make it an easy, casual conversation, not a big discussion, that way you can reassure him before he asks for it without the big, emotional stuff.

      It's normal to feel guilt over this, but there will always be similar situations that pop up from time to time. As long as you both know it's not permanent and that your commitment hasn't changed, you'll get though it without any hurt feelings. Be proactive about it, this way he's comfortable, and understand that it's simply what you've gotta do right now. The longer you're together, you'll find that the focus shifts on who needs more attention at any one moment, who needs a bit of space, a little more understanding, career focus, etc. A few months ago, it was him...now it's you. It's just the way it goes, and if you both get that, you'll be fine
      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

      Comment


        #4
        I know that you're right, and he does get it. :/ Like I said, he hasn't raised an issue with this at all and he's actually encouraged me to take on the hours when they've been offered.

        I suppose it's simply that I have difficulty doing anything for me. I have for a while. I was crying to my SO about this the other day, about how sometimes you're in the roll of caretaker for so long that you forget how to not be in that role anymore, or you forget how to apply the same care and compassion to yourself. I'm working more and more towards doing that, but it still feels extremely selfish to be worrying about me (not to mention abnormal not fretting over caring for someone else), and I think that's where the guilt is coming from. The issue is that it's been one crisis after another for almost nine years now, and it's always fallen on me to hold my mother and sister together - and my SO, when his mother passed - so it's fairly deep rooted. :/

        ETA: Moon, I'm actually running out the door, but I posted before I saw your response, so I'll respond when I'm back! <3
        Last edited by Haley53; April 20, 2012, 04:26 PM.
        { Our Story on LFAD }


        Our Beginning
        Met online: February 2009
        Feelings confessed: December 2010
        Unofficially together since: January/February 2011
        Officially together since: 08 April 2011

        Our Story
        First meeting in person: 16 August - 14 September 2011
        Second visit: 17 March - 01 April 2012
        Third visit: 23 July - 13 September 2012
        Fourth visit: Looking at 23 March - 6 April 2013

        Our Happily Ever After
        to be continued...

        Comment


          #5
          Yeah, I think you're definitely overthinking it. You are at a point in your life where you need to be working a lot and saving money if you want to have a future together with your SO. For that reason, making money should be one of your top priorities right now, in addition to finishing school (and of course your SO!). Fifteen hours a week is not a lot at all, even when you're still a student. I've been exactly where you are. Both of you just need to make peace with the fact that you are going to be busy, and you'll have to find a way to work around that.

          Doesn't being grown up suck?! Haha!

          Comment


            #6
            You're working towards something for the two of you. You're both sacrificing. Think of it that way instead of not being able to spend time with him. Dylan and I are looking at closing the distance in a little less than a year (315 days, but no one's counting ) so right now we're both working as much as we can and I'm going back to school next semester. That takes time away from 'We Two Time' as we call it. I'm also working hard in my family home (cleaning, painting, etc) to have it ready for when Dylan and I move in. Every time we're apart, or have busy days when we can't text or call or Skype as much as we want; we remind each other about the end goal. Soon, it'll be worth it. Soon, we won't have to do this. I agree that you should be proactive and say, While this isn't the best situation, it's for the greater good or for the end result of a trip, our future, etc. He sounds like a great guy who understands and you sound level-headed about your decisions.

            I definitely understand the caretaker role and not focusing on yourself. The relationship I was in previous to my one with Dylan, I spent almost two years focused completely and singularly on the other person. He required all of my energy to make sure he was happy and healthy and I was overlooked. It is strange starting to think about yourself again. I have realized though, the more I focus on making myself happy, the easier it is to help others. I'm in a MUCH better mood and have more energy. My last SO was emotionally and physically draining. I was worn out, had gained weight... it was awful. Dylan not only thinks about me, he encourages me to do the same. I told him I'm working on myself, so I can be the best me for us. If I'm not my best self, we won't be our best us. I'm going back to the gym, I just bought new clothes, I'm going out with my girlfriends tomorrow night... things I would've NEVER thought to do in the old relationship.

            Sorry, I tend to overshare and get lost whilst sidetracking...

            The guilt is something you'll have to work through and my way of doing it is reminding myself of the result of all of this hard work. It's a small sacrifice now, so, eyes on the prize and maybe that'll help the guilt a bit.

            Hope it works out...don't be so hard on yourself!
            My motor runs a lover's heartbeat
            It's just me and you
            Put the pedal to the metal
            Baby, turn the radio on
            We can run to the far side of nowhere
            We can run 'til the days are gone

            Comment


              #7
              I'm in a sort of similar situation, Eclaire. My SO & I are LD because of my work. He easily could have told me not to go. But I'm doing it for us. I was offered a small raise if I accepted, and I thought it would be a good move for my future career. He agreed with me, plus the extra money I can start to save for our future together. Now that he might be moving to a different state for a possible job, I'm going to have to decide if I'm going to stay with this company. This company that I started my professional career with, that has made us go LD. There isn't an office where he would be moving to, so I'd have to find a new job. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind what I'm going to do (but first he has to get the job! lol).

              You're making a sacrifice for you (and by "you" I mean the two of you.). He's making the sacrifice along with you, and I bet there will come a time when one of you has to make an even bigger sacrifice. Talk when you can (like you are) and if you can get into a semi-routine, then you can really look forward to your date nights! PM me if you ever want to vent/talk.


              2016 Goal: Buy a house.
              Progress: Complete!

              2017 Goal: Pay off credit card debt
              Progress: Working on it.

              Comment


                #8
                @Moon - I can't rep you to thank you (out of reps before I spread more around), but thank you. I think it really helped to think about putting the positive spin on it, as I am definitely thankful for his support.

                We had a massive falling out that made me reconsider whether or not I even wanted to go in the summer, though I think I got my point across that what happened was not okay. I have been a whole helluva lot stricter with what I'm willing to tolerate and what I'm not, simply because I said from the beginning I'd deal with his grief, I would do my best to understand any misgivings, but there was a limit and I guessed it'd be around 6 months. I was quite accurate with that one. :P But in the end, he finally allowed me to explain to him why I could only come for around 50 days in the summer and not 60+ and he understood and we've left it at that. I do intend to put a positive spin on things further on down the line (currently don't plan on speaking with him about it until I can be sure I got my point across), and that was probably some of the most helpful advice (I tend to be really serious in approaching situations, unless they're easy enough to deem "mild," so it helps having someone remind me not everything needs to be like I'm working the graveyard shift) I received, so thank you.

                @WakeUpSusie - Haha! It does! I usually end up feeling way more guilt than he does anything else though. :/ It really is an issue of being able to take care of me, I think, because my SO really does encourage me. He even dislikes when I've skipped my exercise classes, on occasion, to stay home and talk with him, as he knows how much I love them and everything they do for me.

                @Katelyn - Don't apologise! I don't mind tangents at all and often go on them myself. :P It helps when someone can relate their situation and what they learned from it to mine, assuming the situations actually mesh (yours does), as it helps me see the bigger picture and put it into context in terms of someone else.

                I try and keep my eye on the prize, I really do, but I think I'm coming into my own as far as finally doing what I need to do for me that it feels both good and guilt-inducing. It feels good because I'm taking care of me. I'm loving me. I'm putting what I need to in place to pursue my future, as well as his/ours. I'm taking time out of our time to do what I like to do, such as running, kickboxing, yoga, and tennis. I'm setting out boundaries and I'm being firm about what I need from the relationship, even if he has the tendency to give me what I need even before I even recognise it. xD But it all feels good. What feels weird about it is that I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm actually taking away from the ideal situation of someone else (or that's what it feels like) to take care of myself, and while I know that that's healthy, at the same time... I guess it's something I have to get used to, but I will try and keep more focused on the positives and also on what I'm hoping to achieve.

                @lyonsgirl - That sounds like a difficult decision, even if you seem to have it figured out. :P But thank you very much for the offer of PMing you and for your input as well!

                ETA: I'll be working 20+ hours a week, I have recently learned, not 15. Luckily it's all finally settling down, though, so that I'll at least have a routine. >_>
                Last edited by Haley53; April 22, 2012, 11:47 PM.
                { Our Story on LFAD }


                Our Beginning
                Met online: February 2009
                Feelings confessed: December 2010
                Unofficially together since: January/February 2011
                Officially together since: 08 April 2011

                Our Story
                First meeting in person: 16 August - 14 September 2011
                Second visit: 17 March - 01 April 2012
                Third visit: 23 July - 13 September 2012
                Fourth visit: Looking at 23 March - 6 April 2013

                Our Happily Ever After
                to be continued...

                Comment


                  #9
                  From my view you're over-thinking it. It seems you still have plenty of days on which you can talk and he is supporting you as he can see it going to a good cause. My SO and I are lucky if we even get to talk once a week for a couple hours, and I'm not really even working at the moment. I'm honestly dreading when I do get a job, because it makes me wonder if we actually will get time to talk at all.
                  Together since: Feb 23rd 2005.
                  First met: June 13th 2006

                  Comment


                    #10
                    @BlueCat - I'm sorry you're in such a shitty situation as far as contact. :/ I completely understand your worry, but I hope it works out when you do get a job. <3




                    Thank you everyone for your input and support. I have realised I have overthought this a little too hard. There are simply some deeper issues that are at play here and at least now that I've recognised and pinpointed them, I can start working on them. I am going to close this thread now, but thank you all.
                    { Our Story on LFAD }


                    Our Beginning
                    Met online: February 2009
                    Feelings confessed: December 2010
                    Unofficially together since: January/February 2011
                    Officially together since: 08 April 2011

                    Our Story
                    First meeting in person: 16 August - 14 September 2011
                    Second visit: 17 March - 01 April 2012
                    Third visit: 23 July - 13 September 2012
                    Fourth visit: Looking at 23 March - 6 April 2013

                    Our Happily Ever After
                    to be continued...

                    Comment

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