So, long story short, my partner is incredibly supportive of my goals and ambitions, regardless of what that means, and he has been absolutely wonderful on the front of supporting me and even encouraging me to go for it, but he also has vulnerabilities to the idea of my no longer having time to spend on him due to insecurities left over by an ex.
Now, I am very good at making my relationship a priority, as is he, and we're both fairly committed to speaking even when there are conflicting circumstances. Even when he did not have internet for around a month, maybe a little over, we still managed to text once or twice a day (or every other) and we still managed to push through it, difficult as it was. And yet, despite all this, I still feel massive sensations of guilt thinking about work.
As a tutor, I have flexible hours, but I am getting increasingly busier. Though I normally cater to K-8 students, this past year I have tutored primarily students at a high school and college level. With it being April, nearing the end of the semester, students have needed more and more hours. I currently tutor four students and this month have averaged out at about 10 hours per week, which is being increased and I'll be working at around 15 hours per week. This is on top of being a full-time student.
Now, here's the thing, it pays well, very well, and so I'm generally not shy about taking on new hours. And I could use the money. I have expenses to pay, such as food and regular grooming for my dog, and starting in May, my 55.00 a month phone bill (and any overages). I have my summer trip to think about, as up until this point, I had been relying on a sum of 600.00 I'm owed by my mother to help pay for it, but as it may not be something she's able to afford by the time I will need it, having the money in my account is almost necessary to be able to see my SO in the summer as planned. I also have my working holiday that's planned for after graduation, which I will be applying for next spring. It's a year away, but given that the cost is going to be something like 5-6,000.00 total, and that's assuming I have a return ticket, I want to start saving and thinking in advance. I also want to have as much savings as possible for when I'm there. As for finding stable, normal "work," not only do I make in one hour what I'd make in three working for minimum wage, it's hard to find a job that wants to take on a student whose schedule changes every three months three times out of the year.
And yet I feel guilty for all of this. My partner is extremely supportive, especially as a good chunk of this money is going into savings preparing for our future, and we do have time for one another. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we have until around 3:30pm to talk. Tuesdays and Thursdays are a bit busier, but we still generally have the afternoon, and all of Thursday evening. And then there are the weekends, where Saturday is busy but Sunday is not. When he's on a proper sleep schedule, he's usually in bed by the time I am tutoring, and when he's not, he's usually up late enough that we still get our chances to Skype. I figure I can set Sunday evenings aside, if all else fails, or some other evening for Skype time, once a week where we definitely get our chance to talk if we're so inclined. Yet I can't help but feel like I'm pushing him aside for money. It's strange because we do get time together. I can't always put him before work, but that's life. It happens and you work around it. This is me putting a future in place for us and yet it feels strange.
He is 110% accepting of this. He has never once raised an issue about it. The time we spoke about being busy and his vulnerability to my losing time was in regards to grad school, when I'll still be a student but much busier than the luxurious schedule I have been allotted in my undergraduate studies. It had nothing at all to do with work. Maybe it's because I felt so unprepared for this? This is the busiest I've been since starting university and it all happened very, very unexpectedly and in the midst of a lot of chaos. But I can't help but feel guilt every time I take on more hours or schedule in a particularly busy week. I don't want my partner to feel neglected, even if he's never told me that he does. :/ It's also possible that I am so stressed out about this because after his mother passed away, I got into such a habit of being there practically 24/7 that I forgot all about me and what I have to do. I'm not doing that this quarter. It is more about me and what I need to do, even when it comes to being in terms of him and our relationship, but I feel so miserably guilty and selfish for it, and I'm not sure how to make the feelings go away.
Thoughts?
Now, I am very good at making my relationship a priority, as is he, and we're both fairly committed to speaking even when there are conflicting circumstances. Even when he did not have internet for around a month, maybe a little over, we still managed to text once or twice a day (or every other) and we still managed to push through it, difficult as it was. And yet, despite all this, I still feel massive sensations of guilt thinking about work.
As a tutor, I have flexible hours, but I am getting increasingly busier. Though I normally cater to K-8 students, this past year I have tutored primarily students at a high school and college level. With it being April, nearing the end of the semester, students have needed more and more hours. I currently tutor four students and this month have averaged out at about 10 hours per week, which is being increased and I'll be working at around 15 hours per week. This is on top of being a full-time student.
Now, here's the thing, it pays well, very well, and so I'm generally not shy about taking on new hours. And I could use the money. I have expenses to pay, such as food and regular grooming for my dog, and starting in May, my 55.00 a month phone bill (and any overages). I have my summer trip to think about, as up until this point, I had been relying on a sum of 600.00 I'm owed by my mother to help pay for it, but as it may not be something she's able to afford by the time I will need it, having the money in my account is almost necessary to be able to see my SO in the summer as planned. I also have my working holiday that's planned for after graduation, which I will be applying for next spring. It's a year away, but given that the cost is going to be something like 5-6,000.00 total, and that's assuming I have a return ticket, I want to start saving and thinking in advance. I also want to have as much savings as possible for when I'm there. As for finding stable, normal "work," not only do I make in one hour what I'd make in three working for minimum wage, it's hard to find a job that wants to take on a student whose schedule changes every three months three times out of the year.
And yet I feel guilty for all of this. My partner is extremely supportive, especially as a good chunk of this money is going into savings preparing for our future, and we do have time for one another. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, we have until around 3:30pm to talk. Tuesdays and Thursdays are a bit busier, but we still generally have the afternoon, and all of Thursday evening. And then there are the weekends, where Saturday is busy but Sunday is not. When he's on a proper sleep schedule, he's usually in bed by the time I am tutoring, and when he's not, he's usually up late enough that we still get our chances to Skype. I figure I can set Sunday evenings aside, if all else fails, or some other evening for Skype time, once a week where we definitely get our chance to talk if we're so inclined. Yet I can't help but feel like I'm pushing him aside for money. It's strange because we do get time together. I can't always put him before work, but that's life. It happens and you work around it. This is me putting a future in place for us and yet it feels strange.
He is 110% accepting of this. He has never once raised an issue about it. The time we spoke about being busy and his vulnerability to my losing time was in regards to grad school, when I'll still be a student but much busier than the luxurious schedule I have been allotted in my undergraduate studies. It had nothing at all to do with work. Maybe it's because I felt so unprepared for this? This is the busiest I've been since starting university and it all happened very, very unexpectedly and in the midst of a lot of chaos. But I can't help but feel guilt every time I take on more hours or schedule in a particularly busy week. I don't want my partner to feel neglected, even if he's never told me that he does. :/ It's also possible that I am so stressed out about this because after his mother passed away, I got into such a habit of being there practically 24/7 that I forgot all about me and what I have to do. I'm not doing that this quarter. It is more about me and what I need to do, even when it comes to being in terms of him and our relationship, but I feel so miserably guilty and selfish for it, and I'm not sure how to make the feelings go away.
Thoughts?
On the phone/Skype/Google/whatever. Start the conversation before he starts feeling insecure or neglected, tell him that you totally know how godawful busy you are right now, and how awesome he is about it, and how much you love and miss him (don't forget to be grateful, too!). Make sure he knows he is a priority, even though everything is all crazy at the moment. Laugh a little, reminding him it's a temporary situation and the money will be very helpful for you both. Make it an easy, casual conversation, not a big discussion, that way you can reassure him before he asks for it without the big, emotional stuff. 
) so right now we're both working as much as we can and I'm going back to school next semester. That takes time away from 'We Two Time' as we call it. I'm also working hard in my family home (cleaning, painting, etc) to have it ready for when Dylan and I move in. Every time we're apart, or have busy days when we can't text or call or Skype as much as we want; we remind each other about the end goal. Soon, it'll be worth it. Soon, we won't have to do this. I agree that you should be proactive and say, While this isn't the best situation, it's for the greater good or for the end result of a trip, our future, etc. He sounds like a great guy who understands and you sound level-headed about your decisions. 
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