I need help! :/

[Domo]

Hi everyone!

My SO and I are in a very complicated situation. And because it's very complicated, I would like to summarize our problems in the list below:
- the distance barrier (of course! ^^): 8726 miles apart according to Google...
- the time zone barrier: I am 13 hours earlier than him..It means that when I'm going to sleep is when he get up and go to school or work. We dont have much time to talk.
- the living culture barrier: Im living in Viet Nam, and he is in US. I dont know much about US lifestyle and especially the way when you are in love.
- the age barrier: I am 6 years older than him...
- the family barrier: it's very serious!!..We are cousins..!!!T.T

Everything began when he came to Viet Nam on this Tet holiday. I am truly in love with him and I know so is he. He said that he had noticed me 5 years ago (the previous time he came back VN) and we had first kiss at that time (shame on me..I dont have any sense about that...

When he went back to US, we still kept in touch very often. He texted me much at day and night, we saved every little free time to connect..when he had break time at school, when I was at work, when he woke up earlier than usual, when I tried to stay up till 1 or 2 am....we only had weekend to skype to see each other.

But later, many problems happend, his laptop broke, he bought new phone but can not unlock, a lot of chool stuffs, work was so hard...He hasn't texted me as much as before, very long time no skype. He tells that school and work together is very hard for him, and keep trying till his graduation, he will have more free time...But my hope is losing day by day....Sometimes I waited very long for his reply of my text. He said he is so busy. But I wonder..Is he too busy to save 1 minute to text for his girl. Are you guys in USA are very busy? Do senior students must do very hard for school work?...It's really hurt!!

As I told, I dont know how you guys in US treat your lovers. I want to be with him as much as I can. I want to tell him a lot of love quotes to let him know how much I miss him. But Im afraid of making him feel pressure and heavy.

I read a lot of advices for maintaining a healthy LDR. They said one of the most important thing is always TRUST your lover. I trust his love is true..But does he love me as much as the first time.

Maybe he is also confused bc of those barriers and want to be alone to decided whether continue or not...One time I told him that our relationship is very complicated, He and I have a same decision that We can make it through as long as we are still in love with each other, and we will try. But now ...what is he thinking?

It is 1:00 am here, he may be at work now..no text in whole day and I'm still waiting. Waiting hopelessly is killing me...I miss him so bad...What should I do??

Thank you for having time with my pain...^^

[GrandSupreme]

My honest opinion is to leave this relationship WELL alone. Not because of the distance, but you two are related. Maybe, (and I'm hoping this is the case) you two have just gotten your emotions all mixed up, after not seeing each other for so long, and he just sees you as his hot older cousin, and took it too far that night.
I also think he has gone back home and realised his mistake of kissing you, which may be the cause of him ignoring you.


I am usually an advocate for love surviving all, but I cannot encourage an incestuous relationship. I'm sorry =/

[floridaellen]

My honest opinion is to leave this relationship WELL alone. Not because of the distance, but you too are related. Maybe, (and I'm hoping this is the case) you two have just gotten your emotions all mixed up, after not seeing each other for so long, and he just sees you as his hot older cousin, and took it too far that night.
I also think he has gone back home and realised his mistake of kissing you, which may be the cause of him ignoring you.


I am usually an advocate for love surviving all, but I cannot encourage an incestuous relationship. I'm sorry =/

I agree. Love can overcome any distance, that's true, but it cannot overcome the fact that you two are related :/

[alesitag]

How are you two related?? Direct, second, third or really distant cousins? I agree with grandsupreme, if you're TOO related I'd leave it at that... IMO, incestuous relationships are not ok.

Besides that, he might be having a hard time managing the time difference, job and school. Senior year can get pretty heavy.

[FierceFoxie]

I agree too that if you are cousins, you need to let it go. In US culture and many cultures around the world, it is not acceptable to have any sort of romantic relationship with a relative. In fact, I would go far as to say it is quite disturbing.

[Haley53]

I also want to note that in addition to cultural opinions on incestuous relationships, depending on how closely related you are, there are also issues to think about genetically. I'm no geneticist, so I can't speak where I've no education, but having children between two people so closely related, as far as I'm aware, opens up the possibility for a multitude of mental and physical health problems. Saying you did work out and end up getting married (which I believe is illegal in most states, to boot, if you had planned on settling here), I would guess that it would be too risky to ever think about having your own children.

Even if there were no issues that could come of it, and like I said, maybe there aren't as I have no educational backing for my claim (nor much Google research, even), you would still have to deal with how people feel about incest culturally. You would still have to deal with the possibility of having to relocate because you would not be allowed to reside as a married couple in the U.S. in most states. Depending on how immersed in American culture he and his side of the family is, you would likely face issues with ridicule and disdain from that side of the family, and potentially yours too. In the end, regardless of feelings, I would guess that the cultural and societal pressures and discrimintion that you'd face would put strain on even the strongest of relationships. It's quite possible that he's realised that because of these consequences, he's decided that it was a mistake to kiss you or think of pursuing a relationship with you.

I feel like entering a relationship with your cousin, however closely related, you are entering a relationship where you will be criticised, ostracised, and discriminated against your entire lives. You will never have rights that some others do. You may lose the support of your families, and may be isolated from them. You will have to face public discrimination if the public were to find out. You will have to tolerate slurs. The list goes on. Regardless of any technological matters, the world and our culture simply is not ready for incestuous relationships to take place, and I think, frankly, that that's stronger than any amount of love anyone might have for one another.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

It makes me very very sad to tell you that you should leave this well alone. It is very unfortunate that the man you love is one you are related to. You are free to make your own decisions concerning this, but there are a million reasons why this is a very very bad idea.

What happens if you two decide to be official? Are you prepared for the fact that members of your family might disown you over it? That your friends might turn their backs on you? And what happens if you two break up? That's going to cause terrible rifts amongst the family - if you are cousins, your mother/father is the sibling of his mother/father. You'd be not just disolving YOUR relationship with HIM - you'd be making it difficult for other members of your family with their close family members.

I can't imagine what pain you must be going through hearing all this from us. I hate that we're all telling you not to do this - and not because it's long distance, but because of WHO the man you love is.

This is so terribly heart breaking.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Alright, I'm going to be the more liberal voice in here. OP, you can skip the beginning part of this post.

I need to clear up some misconceptions about the risk of genetic defects within incestual relationships. A child you have with your second cousin has the same chance of genetic defects as they would if both parents were unrelated. Even with first cousin relationships, the added risk isn't very great: https://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/04/u...ted=all&src=pm. Now, parent-child and sibling-sibling relationships stand a greater chance of causing defects (risk of causing genetic defects has never been a cause for preventing people to marry, but I digress). But 2 first-cousins have at worst a 7% chance of having a child with genetic disorders, compared to the general population's risk of 3-4%.

Cousin marriage and the United States have an interesting relationship. It is illegal in 30 states. The other 20 states either allow it with restrictions, allow some types, or completely allow it. More states allow cousin marriage than same-sex marriage. The United States is also the ONLY Western nation to not fully allow cousin marriage.

As far as what your family would think. There's a lot of things that families get angry at. Many of us here have faced opposition from our own families, just for being in a long distance relationship! So I don't think that the "what would your family think?" idea is valid.

It is really only our cultural taboos that are affecting our views on this relationship. In other cultures, this relationship would be normal and ours would break the taboo. Even in American history, cousin marriages were common. And it's not like they'd be walking around the United States and telling everybody that they're related.

Alright, OP, this part's for you. You two have a lot going against you and with every extra difficulty, you have to hold onto each other that much closer. The distance and culture differences will require a lot of communication to overcome. Ask him what you can do to make him feel loved and appreciated. American men are as varied in taste and personality as Vietnamese men. Some of them would love love letters, others prefer to show their love physically. Just ask him what he'd like . Time zones require a bit of compromise. My SO and I have an 8 hour time difference. Sometimes he stays awake extra late, sometimes I get up extra early. It also requires taking specific time out of your day to focus on each other. The age barrier, because you are the oldest, is a bit more difficult to deal with depending upon exactly how old you two are. You might have to recognize at times that he's at a different part of his life than you. You also might have to let some issues slide because of any immaturity he might have. The cousin thing just means what I said above: you two have to both know that you need this, with all your hearts. Make sure that you BOTH want and need this. If either of you have any doubts, it could hurt this relationship quite a bit. Seniors in college do have to work very hard and for very long hours, especially this time of year because they're taking their final exams. You might have to accept that he'll be extra busy these next couple of months. As long as you know that he'll come back to you after everything is finished, that's all that matters.

You two have a lot of things going against you, but as long as you both believe in your relationship and are willing to work hard and make sacrifices so it will work, I know it can be a successful one. I do hope you read this and know that your relationship can work! It'll just take a lot of effort and commitment. Good luck.

[Frankenbat]

I agree with Shepard.

Communication is key. Try to find out what's going on between you two and plans and such.
I wish you the best of luck!

[Domo]

Dont know how do I say so much thank you for all of your opinions and support...

I know cousins in love is unacceptable. I also figured out these problems when decided to enter this relationship, about our families, the genetic problems..So thanks for your honest and understanding it breaks my heart when having thought that I might leave this love..
and I known having a lot of things we have to fight for this love, even prepared for the day we can not maintain it anymore...(actually I cried a lot when saw your comments, but it's better now ^^ )

I had some solutions for our barrier. The genetic problem, according to Shepard (thank you so much for supporting ..!)..the percent of child may has genetic defects from related parents is not much more than from usual parents...In addition, with the developing of biotechnology in this morden life, we can get help from assisted reproduction solutions.

Family is a big problem that we might not overcome. And I think, if we want to prove our love is worth and could last long, we have to make it strong first.

So the immediate problem is the distance, culture and age barrier. I know have differences between our views. In my mind, the most terrible problem is he might feel scared and tired of all the negative sides and wants to quit, or he will not love me anymore...

Thanks Shepard again for some tips. I even dont have chance to talk with him to ask about his feelings and what he wants me to do? Besides, cause he is in a very hard time, so I dont want to disturb him. Im afraid if I keep asking him about love when he is focusing on his school, he would get tired and boring!!!

what should I do..?..It is really hurt!

[Haley53]

@Shepard - Thank you for the link. Like I said, I wasn't sure whether the genetics thing was accurate or not, so it's interesting to find out the truth of it!

[alesitag]

OK, setting aside the "we-are-family" issues, I think if he wants to really talk about what's going on between the two of you, he'll find some time to do it.

My SO has the craziest work schedule, always changing. However, he found time (30 minutes) to spend some time with me yesterday morning, right after he got home from his night shift and before going to bed so he could get some rest to start his next shift at 3:30 pm... Since you're willing to wait for him, why don't you ask him to compromise a little so you can work things out? any LDR must have communication as a top priority.

If he does not want to continue with your relationship, he still owes you the time to talk.

[kittyo9]

I'm also wondering what kind of cousin we're talking about here. A first cousin (your parent's sibling's child) does have a greater risk of genetic issues (about twice as high, although it's still a low percentage) when having children. Marrying your first cousin is also illegal in about half of US states. If he's a second or further cousin, however, the risk becomes increasingly small, and the law no longer prohibits you in some areas.

Agreeing with alesitag-- he should make time to talk if he is serious about you. I suspect he is kind of confused, as relationships with cousins are kind of taboo in the states. I would also maybe hold off on sending him love quotes and stuff a lot until you have fully talked this through with him, as it can feel very one-sided after a while.