Advice Desperately Needed: 5 months, LDR Cheating/Unfortunate Circumstances

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Well, he isn't single. So why are you sticking around? He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about you. If he did, he would have broken up with his girlfriend by now. Go find somebody single. The reason why he's getting so upset about you sleeping with your ex is because he's a jerk. Simple as that. Seriously, I don't see why you're so into this guy. He's a cheater, he's controlling, he doesn't care about you. Why stick around?

[tiffanyj]

Sigh. What a really bad day. I really don't feel like he's just another douchebag guy. I just think it's a bad thing we're doing. I don't know what the real reason is for him staying with her. I am amazing. I could be so good to him. I'm so fun. I'm creative. We laugh like high school kids together. I've just never had this kind of connection with someone and I didn't see this happening. He really got jealous today, and it's so confusing. It's like "WHAT DO YOU WANT, man?!"

---------- Post added at 02:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:21 PM ----------

I mean this guy has taken the risk of keeping me in his pocket on Skype while talking to her! LOL! He texts me while he's with friends and family... He WANTS to talk to me. I am his friend.

---------- Post added at 02:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:22 PM ----------

Ok. I'm stupid.

[floridaellen]

It could be the truth. But who's to say? Why would he be getting mad at me for sleeping with my ex? That's my original concern.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

He wants the security of the longterm girlfriend and the passion of the online romance. He's mad at you for sleeping with your ex because he wants to think of you as his, even though you aren't together and he already has a girlfriend.

You need to force him to make a choice, her or you, before you spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to the other girl. You may love him, which I completely understand, but sometimes love isn't enough. These are not the right circumstances to build a loving relationship.

I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" either. I just think he needs to pick one or you will never be able to have the loving relationship that you deserve. You're worth more than this.

[tiffanyj]

*sigh* Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me out, has really lifted my spirits a little bit. Was struggling hard for a minute there.
I don't want to be demanding or controlling and tell him to make a decision, but I do deserve better. At this point, we may be done. He hasn't talked to me in the last 2 hours because he's still mad. I don't think it's right for him to leave me hanging, but I figured I'd let him cool off. We've been so close and talked about everything. Stuff you don't just talk about with anyone. I didn't see this coming. I wouldn't do that to him.

[lala]

have you ever thought about what his gf would say if she found out? or how would you feel if your bf would do something like this?
I think you are now just too in love with him and don't see his real face. maybe you are a bit naive (don't want to offend you).. he is treating both of you girls without respect.. seriously, he is a player.. and you are the victim.

[kteire]

He is just another douchebag guy. Any decent guy would have broken up with his girlfriend before getting involved with someone else, end of story. I don't care what the circumstances are, he's having an emotional affair. If any of my guy friends were in a relationship with a woman and found themselves attracted to someone else, they'd distance themselves from that person, or re-evaluate if they should be in a relationship. That's just fair.

That aside, it's a very lopsided relationship. He can't expect you to not be with anyone else if he's in a longterm relationship.

Get out, and ignore whatever it is that's making you think he's a good guy. He's not, and don't think he won't do the same thing to you 5 years down the road. Don't mean to sound harsh, but cheating and being the other woman is something I can't understand, with the ONLY exception being in cases of abusive, controlling relationships.

[tiffanyj]

I have thought about all these things. I don't think he's a player. I think he's confused. He's never been in this situation and neither have I. There's a first for everything and it's not something you can understand unless you're in this position.

---------- Post added at 02:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:34 PM ----------

I don't really know how to feel or what to think right now. I've been burned way too many times.

[kteire]

I have thought about all these things. I don't think he's a player. I think he's confused. He's never been in this situation and neither have I. There's a first for everything and it's not something you can understand unless you're in this position.

---------- Post added at 02:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:34 PM ----------

I don't really know how to feel or what to think right now. I've been burned way too many times.

Don't give him the chance to burn you then, and walk away. It can't end well. In every scenario here, someone will get badly hurt. It will suck to leave someone you think you love, but you deserve better, and there are plenty of amazing single men.

[Moon]

This is pretty simple really, break contact until he breaks up with his girlfriend. If he doesn't, I'm sorry, but your love was never returned. I know you don't want to, but if you don't, you'll never be more than a modern day mistress. Why should he give up having two girls, one being "his little secret" unless he has to? He really, really is just another douchebag, whether you believe it or not. Good, decent men do not do this to women they care about, period. And he's doing it to two of you. Think about that.

If you are ever to have any hope or chance at a real relationship, you need to break contact until he's free, anything else and you're being very naive and fooling yourself. Time to face reality, do what's right for yourself, and see what happens. You do realize there's no way in hell your arrangement, as it stands, can ever work out, right?

[Haley53]

I was in this situation, convinced for every reason you are that it was real, made actual plans to meet even, even if they fell through, and I waited for him to realise it was me for three years. He never did, and nothing changed even as I was walking out the door.

The other issue here, in addition to what everyone else has said, is that you aren't giving him an incentive to break-up with her. He gets everything he wants from you while still being able to have his sex and physical relationship with her. He has the security of the long-term relationship, and the passion and excitement of some honeymoon romance with a girl he met online, but online is where it's likely to stay. You want to meet. What happens then? He screws you, goes back, and nothing changes? I don't mean to be harsh, but in the end, you say this situation isn't okay when you're making it okay. You're giving him no incentive to call it quits because you're allowing him to use you for what he pleases. Why would he get rid of both when he can keep it secret from one and the other is fine being the salad on the side? Whether you meant to or didn't, by going along with his behaviour, you've shown him that your dynamic and situation is okay. There are a lot of people who want to have their cake and eat it too, and they'll do it if you let them. If you ever want this relationship to progress, you need to stop letting him.

And things may change or they may not, but you're 23. You may never have believed you could feel this connected, but I guarantee you that if he's not your one, then somewhere along the line, you'll be amazed and blown away by somebody else. You're not 99, on your deathbed, and he's your last chance at love. You have an entire life ahead of you and a world of people still to meet. You cannot put your life on hold for someone who's perfectly happy with the situation as it is, simply because that's not going to change it. Giving him an ultimatum isn't going to be controlling. It's setting a boundary, saying you can't put up with it anymore. Cutting off contact, yes, you risk losing him, but will you be consistently happy with the idea of being the other woman he's unlikely to go out of his way to meet regardless of what he says? I mean quite frankly, the only way you're ever really going to get out of this situation is by deciding you're done with it. He's not going to decide it for you because he's getting a pretty sweet deal out of matters. :P

I think if you're that convinced he really does love you, then telling him you can't talk like you are if he does not break up with his girlfriend isn't all that unreasonable. Unless there's some part of you that doubts that he loves you enough to commit to you, you wouldn't be scared of putting your foot down and ending the affair. I think I would explore that doubt because that's your gut trying to be honest with you through all the rainbows and butterflies he makes you feel. If you don't put an end to this, he won't, because he's who's benefitting most. If you don't put your foot down and say that this isn't okay and you either want to be his partner or nothing, then you're always going to be the woman on the side that plays tag along to him and his broken down relationship. If he's not stringing you along, he'll get his act together after he realises he can't have both.

I waited around for three years for someone who was "confused." My case is not some fluke or isolated case. I urge you not to make the same mistake that I did.

[marbear31]

I think everyone has said it all pretty much--cut contact with him until he breaks up with his girlfriend. It's that simple.

One of my best friends was recently "the other woman." I can't tell you how heartwrenching it was to see her go through the emotional volatility of knowing she was cheating with him, but trying to convince herself that he loved her (he was her ex, and they had quite a history). Every relationship by nature is an "exception," because every one is different. Our emotions can make us pretty much justify anything, but at the end of the day, you have to have enough respect for yourself to realize you can have your cake, and eat it too. In other words, you can have a relationship with someone, sure--but what do you want that relationship to be based off? If your dynamic has been formed on the foundation of emotional cheating, then what's going to be left when the initial high has waned? How are you ever going to respect each other, as fundamentally good entities, if your actions aren't following your morals (I'm only saying that because you've mentioned you've discussed this as a moral issue)? I think, regardless of your moral standpoint, or how much you love him, the most important thing to recognize is that you're not respecting yourself in engaging in this relationship. Try looking at yourself from an outside perspective--what if this were your friend? Would you say, "Hey, you should hold out for someone who's going to love you enough to choose you over all over women," or would you say you thought this relationship was a great idea? I think it helps to look at our actions from an objective viewpoint (as much as we can objectify our actions :P).

I'm not judging; your life is your life, and I wish you every happiness. It just hit very close to home, because my friend is really beating herself up emotionally for it. You, as a human being with dignity, deserve healthy happiness; it's your choice whether you go for it, but please, for your own sake, really think about what you're doing, and do what's best for you.

[tiffanyj]

Thanks to you both. You are very right. I have given up a couple times and told him the same thing...that staying in the relationship would mean that I don't respect myself and I'm willing to make the same mistakes and get hurt. It's very, very hard to just let him go. Hours have passed and I want him so badly. He told me he recently pondered about starting a life with me and burning his bridges..but not until all this happened. This situation of me sleeping with my ex, as he tells me, reminds him of a situation I guess he had with a girl he loved in the past. Now I feel like I'm taking the blame for her. He just woke up and texted me but he's still weary. I'm so afraid to tell him he needs to break up with his girlfriend. Fortunately, I haven't spoiled him and given him all of me yet. Lol. I did tell him he has to earn it. If I cut it off, and he comes back, I hope we aren't still doomed. I hope I haven't fed his ability to disrespect me in ways that can't be fixed... You are all very right though, I know. UGH. I feel terrible.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I do also want to interject here that if people didn't believe that their situation was the exception, no one would get into these situations. If every girl who has been the other woman knows for sure that the guy she's the other woman for is a douchebag, they wouldn't bother being that girl. The thing is, he's behaving nicely to you, so you desperately want to believe that this is different. If you were looking at your situation from our perspective - what would you be thinking? Stop focusing on what he's saying and look at what he's doing. Are his actions those of a man desperately in love with you and desperate to be with you and willing to do anything to be with you?
*hugs*

[Rugger]

If he hasn't already ended it with her, He's not going to for you. Why stay with someone if you don't love them? Obviously he cares about her or he would have no qualms about breaking it off.

Also,I'm going to be blunt here, He doesn't love you. If he did, He would respect you and break up with his girlfriend. You are an option he has on the side when he gets bored. If he loved you, He would make more of an effort. You are some girl thousands of miles away who he can distract himself with. I don't trust this guy as far as I can throw him.

You deserve someone who puts you first, who doesn't have to hide you. You are obviously not his first concern. You deserve someone to whom you are their everything, instead of just some dalliance on the side. Why be the side dish when you could be the main course?

[stubby59]

I think its safe to say that, most of us here are in an LDR, and this is the exact scenario we're most worried of (for the first month at least), of our SOs going behind our backs when we're so far apart.

I feel for you, that he's accusing you when you're not even officially in a relationship with him, but I also feel for his girlfriend. Its not one bit fair to her, that she doesn't know her 5-year boyfriend doesn't love her anymore. I don't have any respect for Tyler at the moment. There is no excuse, EVER, to cheat. I would rather my SO break up with me in my face, then sneak around behind me. I'm sorry, but I really think you can do better than this-finding somebody who is single who won't keep you a secret. I know its hard but I also trust you know what's the right thing you should do right now.