Advice Desperately Needed: 5 months, LDR Cheating/Unfortunate Circumstances

[Kyara]

I do also want to interject here that if people didn't believe that their situation was the exception, no one would get into these situations. If every girl who has been the other woman knows for sure that the guy she's the other woman for is a douchebag, they wouldn't bother being that girl. The thing is, he's behaving nicely to you, so you desperately want to believe that this is different. If you were looking at your situation from our perspective - what would you be thinking? Stop focusing on what he's saying and look at what he's doing. Are his actions those of a man desperately in love with you and desperate to be with you and willing to do anything to be with you?
*hugs*

Yes I really think what you say is true, men show their real affection to a woman not by just words, mainly by actions. His sugar talking is no use because his actions dont match up to what he say

[Yaaamiii]

If he is cheating on his girlfriend with you, then even if he ever got with you, how can you expect him to not ever do the same to you?

[Softy]

You should leave him alone, regardless of your feelings.
he is NOT single.

Yes it may happen you could develop some feelings for someone who is taken.
I did once had a crush on someone who was already in a relationship and he even said he liked me.
Know what i did?

I walked away.
Why? Because respect towards myself, him and his girl is more important than a crush.
And I had no right to touch emotionally or physically someone who isn't mine.

You should walk away.... it will only bring trouble for the both of you and it's a lack of respect.

[dglynn77]

Wait...he got upset at you for "cheating" on him...when he himself is cheating. I'm gonna give you very general advice: if he cheated to get with you, he'll cheat to get away from you. Why are you expecting fidelity and trust from a cheater? If he thought you were special, he would've broken up with his girlfriend already. You do not have his heart and his dedication, no matter what he says. You gotta let go. This relationship was probably doomed from the get-go. And all this, without a thought for what his girlfriend is feeling. No guy is worth this nonsense. For your benefit and for HER benefit, leave. Being the "other woman" is never worth it.

I have to agree with Shepard-Fowkes....

[LoveJ]

Today, I had an unfortunate turnaround in this situation. I told him that I slept with my ex, who I've known and been very close to for 5 years. This made him upset. He told me that it turned him off that I would do that and that I am impulsive and a recipe for drama. I am now sitting in the silence of his cold shoulder and trying to understand why he is so upset and seemingly unforgiving. I told him that this whole situation (with him having a gf) is a recipe for drama, and if he wants to avoid it, he should get out of it. He told me I was right and maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. But we've been down this road before, trying to let go because it's all morally wrong. Too confusing.

You made a very good point - how can he get mad over you getting intimate with an ex when he sleeps in the same bed with his girlfriend every night? It sounds like he's riding the easy train of having an emotional affair with you but a physical relationship with her (since she's in the same place as he is) and that isn't fair to you. If he can do that, why does he think he has a right to be mad at you when you do the same?

If you and he have been doing this for 5 months and he still hasn't left his girlfriend even though he claims not to be in love with her, believe me when I say he's not the kind of guy you want. If he doesn't have the balls to let go of her while still pursuing something with you, that's not at all a good thing to get tangled up in. 5 months is more than enough time to decide what he wants, and the fact that he's stringing both of you along is disrespectful and downright trashy and sleazy.

If I were you, I'd cut him off. He doesn't show you the respect you deserve, therefore, he deserves none.

[Manoek]

You are blinded with love, and that's why you are rationalizing his actions.

[Malaga]

You are blinded with love, and that's why you are rationalizing his actions.

True.

You'll look back at this one day and shake your head.

[Moon]

True.

You'll look back at this one day and shake your head.

Yep, that's exactly right. No worries, we've all been there, or will be

[Tanja]

Ok, I'm gonna disagree with pretty much everyone here.

Me and my SO started off like this. I was in a relationship, I was engaged and had been for the past 7 years but things hadn't been going great lately.
We were still trying because we had a child together and didn't wanna break up our family.

Then I met Andy and he was so easy to talk to, we clicked immediatly. I told him all about my relationship and he tried to help me, he encouraged me to work things out with my ex. But everyday I felt more distant from him and every day I started growing more fond of Andy. Fond enough to tell him I was falling in love with him after we'd been talking for a while everyday, for hours.

He was shocked and said I have a boyfriend and a kid, I can't just fall for someone else. But I did, and it wasn't just so I could get away from my life or get some weird excitement or whatever, I genuinely fell for him. He said he liked me too but didn't confess his true feelings until a month later and that's where the hard part started.

We knew what we were doing was insane and it could never work, he was in a different country, I was in a relationship, the whole situation was just a nightmare.

It took me 7 months before I had the courage to tell my fiancee that I wanna break up. 7 months of sleeping on the sofa and avoiding touching him cause it felt so awful; I didn't love him anymore. I didn't know how to explain things to my daughter who was 8 years old at the time. But when I finally did it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt free and was in love and I truly felt happy.

Yes, our relationship didn't start off with the best circumstances but so what? We've been together for over 4 years now and are still very much in love. I could never ever imagine meeting anyone else or cheating on my SO, I love him with all my heart and wanna spend the rest of my life with him.

OP: I'm saying, when you've been in a relationship for years, it's HARD to just end it. Especially for a reason that most people will not understand/accept. It's not just his gf he has to think about but his and hers family, friends, everyone and everything. It's not that easy to just tell someone you've been living with for 5 years that it's over and there's someone else.

It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed or that he will automatically cheat on you too. I don't believe that for a second cause I know I could never do that to my SO. I don't EVER wanna cause that kind of pain to anyone again, ever. You can't help at who you fall in love with and sometimes, even if it's hard, you gotta follow your heart.

I do like Moon's suggestion though, that you ask him to choose. It's been 5 months now and if he does love you then he won't just throw that away. If he decides to stick with his gf then hey, he wasn't the right guy for you. Life is full of choices and they're not all good ones. But for your sake and his, ask him to make it.

Whatever happens, we're here to get you through it

ps I've had that "once a cheater, always a cheater" crap been dumped on me many enough times so anyone wanting to rant about what a bad person I am, save it. I've heard it all before.

[Filly]

[QUOTE=Eclaire;204091 He has the security of the long-term relationship, and the passion and excitement of some honeymoon romance with a girl he met online, but online is where it's likely to stay. You want to meet. What happens then? He screws you, goes back, and nothing changes? I don't mean to be harsh, but in the end, you say this situation isn't okay when you're making it okay. You're giving him no incentive to call it quits because you're allowing him to use you for what he pleases. Why would he get rid of both when he can keep it secret from one and the other is fine being the salad on the side? [/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%. I can understand that the relationship has not had the most conventional start but the fact that he and his gf are still intimate should really bother you.

[HollzHeartsChris]

It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed or that he will automatically cheat on you too. I don't believe that for a second cause I know I could never do that to my SO. I don't EVER wanna cause that kind of pain to anyone again, ever. You can't help at who you fall in love with and sometimes, even if it's hard, you gotta follow your heart.

I do like Moon's suggestion though, that you ask him to choose. It's been 5 months now and if he does love you then he won't just throw that away. If he decides to stick with his gf then hey, he wasn't the right guy for you. Life is full of choices and they're not all good ones. But for your sake and his, ask him to make it.

I agree with what Tanja and Moon have said. You've both been talking for 5 months and just because he's in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean things are never gonna work out. It's possible they could, if he decides to choose you over his current girlfriend. Just proceed with caution and make sure you're ready for disappointment as things may not quite work out for you as you'd previously hoped.

[tiffanyj]

Ok, I'm gonna disagree with pretty much everyone here.

Me and my SO started off like this. I was in a relationship, I was engaged and had been for the past 7 years but things hadn't been going great lately.
We were still trying because we had a child together and didn't wanna break up our family.

Then I met Andy and he was so easy to talk to, we clicked immediatly. I told him all about my relationship and he tried to help me, he encouraged me to work things out with my ex. But everyday I felt more distant from him and every day I started growing more fond of Andy. Fond enough to tell him I was falling in love with him after we'd been talking for a while everyday, for hours.

He was shocked and said I have a boyfriend and a kid, I can't just fall for someone else. But I did, and it wasn't just so I could get away from my life or get some weird excitement or whatever, I genuinely fell for him. He said he liked me too but didn't confess his true feelings until a month later and that's where the hard part started.

We knew what we were doing was insane and it could never work, he was in a different country, I was in a relationship, the whole situation was just a nightmare.

It took me 7 months before I had the courage to tell my fiancee that I wanna break up. 7 months of sleeping on the sofa and avoiding touching him cause it felt so awful; I didn't love him anymore. I didn't know how to explain things to my daughter who was 8 years old at the time. But when I finally did it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt free and was in love and I truly felt happy.

Yes, our relationship didn't start off with the best circumstances but so what? We've been together for over 4 years now and are still very much in love. I could never ever imagine meeting anyone else or cheating on my SO, I love him with all my heart and wanna spend the rest of my life with him.

OP: I'm saying, when you've been in a relationship for years, it's HARD to just end it. Especially for a reason that most people will not understand/accept. It's not just his gf he has to think about but his and hers family, friends, everyone and everything. It's not that easy to just tell someone you've been living with for 5 years that it's over and there's someone else.

It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed or that he will automatically cheat on you too. I don't believe that for a second cause I know I could never do that to my SO. I don't EVER wanna cause that kind of pain to anyone again, ever. You can't help at who you fall in love with and sometimes, even if it's hard, you gotta follow your heart.

I do like Moon's suggestion though, that you ask him to choose. It's been 5 months now and if he does love you then he won't just throw that away. If he decides to stick with his gf then hey, he wasn't the right guy for you. Life is full of choices and they're not all good ones. But for your sake and his, ask him to make it.

Whatever happens, we're here to get you through it

ps I've had that "once a cheater, always a cheater" crap been dumped on me many enough times so anyone wanting to rant about what a bad person I am, save it. I've heard it all before.

Wow, thank you SOOOO much for taking the time to post this. It kinda sucks with the majority saying the same thing. Of course they could be right, but it's bad enough being in an LDR where everything doubts your relationship's success based on the distance.

He and I have been talking...it seems like he wants to work things out and I've been pretty straightforward. I definitely have my guard up though, as I'm not set on the idea that he will end up with ME, but that he will eventually make a decision that's right for him. We all learn from our mistakes, but also good things can come from bad things. If you fall out of love with someone, you fall out of love...but it also takes time to get to know another person. Like you said, and as I mentioned before, I have talked to him about trying to work things out with his gf. There's just nothing to work out I guess. Maybe meeting me caught him by surprise. We for sure have a connection, and realistically I'd understand why he'd hesitate to burn his bridges, whether it's fair to me/her or not. We all don't make the best choices, and that's in regards to everything in life... but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I can't help how I feel, and IF he's real, he can't help it either. He has never come across as disrespectful or a douchebag. I don't like the situation, but I feel like enduring the hard things make a strong foundation. I suppose I'll see how it plays out. He's cooled down a bit about me sleeping with my ex. I appreciate everyone's advice. I'll keep you posted.

---------- Post added at 03:15 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:14 PM ----------

I agree with what Tanja and Moon have said. You've both been talking for 5 months and just because he's in a relationship doesn't necessarily mean things are never gonna work out. It's possible they could, if he decides to choose you over his current girlfriend. Just proceed with caution and make sure you're ready for disappointment as things may not quite work out for you as you'd previously hoped.

Thank you Hollz. ^_^

[LoveJ]

Wow, thank you SOOOO much for taking the time to post this. It kinda sucks with the majority saying the same thing. Of course they could be right, but it's bad enough being in an LDR where everything doubts your relationship's success based on the distance.

With all due respect, you asked for opinions so we gave them. Sure, it could work out just fine, but the way you described it made him sound like kind of a jerk, so people were offering their support and advice based on that.

[carolynred]

I can say that there is quite a lot to think about on this.

I was the girlfriend in this scenario one time. My last ex began an emotional affair with another girl behind my back that lasted for months. When he told me of the affair, it was the most heartbreaking news I ever encountered. Now, what made it not too horrible was that the girl he was talking to kept her comments to friendship while my ex and I were still dating. I cannot tell if you and this guy have communicated really romantically, but PLEASE, the second it happens or if it has, keep it as friendship for now. His girlfriend will be crushed, but the less romantic it gets, the better off the drama will be. Do it for his girlfriend at least, because he is emotionally cheating on her and she does not deserve it regardless of how "bored" he is with the relationship. To me, there is NO excuse for a guy to emotionally cheat on a girl, but I could be biased since I was on the other end of it.

Now, on the other hand, my SO and I kind of started this way as well. When my ex and I were on our last days together, Jacob would text me trying to help me. Nothing romantic at the time, but we had a strong communication. After my ex and I broke up, Jacob and I talked all the time and eventually we began dating. The thing is that he acted as a friend before a possible boyfriend when I was dating my ex. I just cannot emphasize enough on keeping it at a level of friendship for the time begin. Could things work out and you two end up together? Of course! BUT remember that when his girlfriend finds out, there will probably be drama. That drama could, and probably will, affect the relationship you two have as well. You need to be extremely careful on how you approach this.

If I were you, I would either ask him to make a decision on who he REALLY wants to be with, or just break all contact until he figures out what he wants. He needs to mature a bit on the relationship front. I hope this hasn't come off as harsh, its just something I'm passionate about. Please take care of yourself ok? Try and make decisions that you won't regret when you look back.

[tiffanyj]

We are talking right now on Skype. Good conversation. I got to the core of the jealousy with me sleeping with my ex. He definitely loves me. It reminded him of a bad situation in his past. He is thinking about breaking things off with his girlfriend. He is afraid to leave a relationship in which he is stable and content in just to be hurt again. I understand where he's coming from. We're too good of friends to just give up. I don't want to post everything here though! Thanks everyone so much for all your advice. Very helpful. The good and the bad. See you again soon! <3