Is my girlfriend controlling?

[nnkk00]

Hey guys, this is my first post. I'm glad to be here after lurking for a while =)

So I need some advice. I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now and I love her with all my heart. We started close distance and spent pretty much all of our time together, and then in September we went long distance after she transferred to a different college. Since then, things have been pretty good but we've been running into a lot more problems and fights that probably wouldn't exist if we were still close distance. These are the main things we fight about:

a) Drinking. When we met, we partied a lot. Over the summer though, she got so drunk she didn't know she was flirting hardcore with my friend (looked like they were gonna kiss) in front of my face, which obviously upset me. She realized what she had done and all of a sudden she wanted to limit/stop drinking cause she saw the negative affects it had on her. Consequently, I had a couple nights where I was just being stupid (peeing on the Las Vegas strip, being obnoxious, drinking heavily with my guy friends) that really hurt her. She says she doesn't like who I become when I get drunk. She decided that we should try to make a compromise to limit our drinking - both setting a limit for ourselves and letting each other know when we drank. I don't really like the compromise cause I just think it's a little controlling for us to need this but it really means a lot to her. However, one time I broke our rules and really end up hurting her. As a result, she lost her trust in me and decided that we should make an even tighter compromise: keeping our drinking limit but only limiting our drinking days to 3 times a month or drinking when we were with each other. She didn't force me to agree with her, we talked about it over and over again, but I still don't really like the limitations we set.

b) Going out. I'm a really social guy and she's a bit more of a homebody. I don't really think I have to check in with her or let her know when I'm going places, but she thinks it's important for me to let her know what I'm doing (not just in this case, but she likes to be updated on what I'm doing all the time). Sometimes I just forget to tell her where I'm going or if I changed plans. One time, I didn't tell her I was going to a Hooters when I told her that I was just going to stay home (I got invited at the last minute) and she found out on FB via a check-in. She flipped a bitch (to say the least) and got really upset because she wasn't okay with me going to a place like that. I don't know why, I tell her all the time I don't look at other girls, but she still got really mad that I didn't tell her. Now she's gotten better, but she still expects me to answer her call if I'm out just to check up on me. And also when she comes to visit me she prefers that it's just us hanging out... it kinda seems like she doesn't want me hanging out with my friends. Like I said, since our partying days, being social has just really died down for her and she'd rather us not have to get into situations that could cause problems for us again (considering our past circumstances). She thinks I go out too much, which means we don't really get to talk on the phone at night before bed (the only time we talk all day).

c) Our future. I love this girl so much, and I do see myself marrying her one day. I'm definitely a serious relationship kinda guy, and she is even more-so than that. She believes that when you find a love of a lifetime, that our love should be our top priority (which it is for me too, just in different ways). She's willing to go out of her way to make sure we close the distance -- as for me, I know we have things we have to get done, and if that means we can't be together for now, so be it. She's a real go-getter and has managed to make it work -- graduate early, secure a job, get into a grad program near me. I'm glad she does that, but sometimes I feel like she gets disappointed that I wouldn't do the same for her. She makes it look like she's the only one that's putting the effort into our relationship with the compromises and the sacrifices that she has to make to bring us together. She has a lot of goals and ambitions, and manages to make them work for me, but the things I want to do don't really have a compromise (studying abroad, joining the military, etc.)

To me, this is all an issue of trust. If she really trusted me, she'd let me go out whenever, drink whenever, do whatever and she wouldn't mind. But I don't know. Is she being controlling? How can we better fix this aspect of our relationship? Help? Thanks!

[frompanthertomustang]

First of all, welcome to LFAD!

After reading this, I had a flashback to a few months ago. My boyfriend and I are in a very similar situation, except we went to different colleges right off the bat from high school. A few months ago, I think I was in a similar state of mind as your girlfriend. If you want my very flat-out and honest opinion, I don't think she's being controlling. I understand a lot of where she is coming from, especially with drinking. My boyfriend is in a fraternity, which obviously has a huge drinking culture, but it scares me when he goes out and parties with his friends when girls are around because, well, let's just face it: girls can be vicious.

My biggest concern was never him: I trust him 100%. However, I have experienced situations with girlfriends of mine that openly pursue guys who have long-distance girlfriends (sometimes even close-distance... yikes!) because they don't really see the girlfriend as a physical entity. It sounds weird, but when a girl doesn't know some hot guy's girlfriend personally or has never seen/met her before, it's like she doesn't matter as much, or worse, doesn't exists. Though I am fully confident that my boyfriend would never accept any other advances, it's still makes me uncomfortable to think of girls flirting with him while he's drinking. Oh gosh, I hope I don't sound insecure.

I've since gotten over such feelings, but I can definitely see where your girlfriend is coming from. You are her boyfriend: she loves you and wants to be with you. I really admire her commitment to her education as well as to you, as well. You're very lucky! If you are feeling that she's being unreasonable in any way, I think talking it out with her would be the best solution. It seems as if you love each other very much (especially if you are intending to get married) and should be able to resolve the problem.

I'm so sorry for the long response! I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck!

[fitfilipina]

Welcome to LFAD!

I have to agree with frompanthertomustang... I don't see your girlfriend as being controlling. I'm not saying that there aren't "bad" qualities in this situation -- clearly there are some insecurity and nagging issues at hand -- but I definitely don't think she's being controlling. I can see that she really cares about you. For one, she both wants you to be healthier and to control yourself from bad habits. She wants to spend lots of time with you -- she obviously really cherishes you and will take the time to do that instead of other things. She's willing to make sacrifices to better your relationship (hopefully). I think she's got a lot of good intentions but I can see how that's misunderstood sometimes. I just think you need to reassure her of her love for you (even if that means working harder to show your affection or make sacrifices yourself) so that she doesn't feel like she's putting everything into a relationship that will go to waste. You both seem like you love each other, you just need to understand each others motives better I suppose.

[efish1042]

Personally, and this is coming from a girl who has made a concerted effort not to be controlling in her relationship, this doesn't sound controlling exactly.
You said yourself, she didn't force you to comply with her drinking limit. So she's not controlling you. She's voicing her upset and proposing solutions. Granted, she may not quite go about it the right way ("flipping a bitch" is not a good response to anything), but she isn't making you do anything... except maybe the checking in thing, but I'll get to that.
It sounds like there are some insecurity/trust/communication issues here. She's shown that she's insecure in her worry about you flirting with other girls. There are trust issues (which you recognized - ) that need to be remedied. There is a communication problem clearly exhibited in your "Hooter's" adventure.

a.) Drinking
Is it controlling that she's uncomfortable with an unhealthy habit? I'm no teetotaler, but is 3 times a month not enough?? Even so, it means a lot to her. She's worried about your relationship and your health. She proposed a compromise. She's not asking you to never drink, just in more moderation. So you both partied a lot when you met her. Is she not entitled to realize the harmful effects of alcohol on a person and alter her stance?

b.) Going Out
Having you check in every now and then is understandable. I like to know if my SO is going out so that I can know whether to expect a call or whether it would be safe to call him. However, wanting to know everything all the time? That seems a bit unreasonable and I would talk to her about it. It screams insecurity. I understand her feeling a little abandoned that you sacrifice so many nights going out when she wants to talk to you, but perhaps if you and she compromised on this. Maybe three or more nights a week, you'll endeavor to at least call her for a good night, if not more. Your "Hooter's" issue? Would it have been so hard to just send her a follow up text "plans changed, going to Hooter's with the guys"? That you told her you were going to stay in and then she saw you weren't made it look like you were being less than honest and probably scared her. "He said he was staying in. Why is he there? Is he hooking up with some chick with big boobs? Why would he lie?" <- that's how women's minds work frequently. So... communication, communication, communication! And talk to her and compromise on when you go out and her basically keeping tabs on you.

c.) Your future
"Our love should be our top priority (which it is for me too, just in different ways)" <- what?? Anyway... you didn't exactly give us a rousing list of what you do for this relationship. From the information given, it sounds like she is doing a lot of the work. How are you showing her that this relationship is important to you? Also, since when did study abroad and joining the military become non-negotiable? Study abroad for how long? A summer? That's not bad at all. A year? That's more difficult. You really want to join the military? If you want to marry this girl, you're going to need to discuss this with her. If you're planning on going into the paperwork side of things, it might be easier for her. If you want to go Green Beret, it takes stern stuff to be married to that. Compromise. And if you can't, then you might have to end it.

This is just my take on your situation. Sounds like you guys have some issues to work out, but she doesn't seem very controlling (except with the check in at all times part, but even that may have reasonable motive). You need to talk to her. I apologize for my long post, but I hope it helps.

[Rugger]

Personally, and this is coming from a girl who has made a concerted effort not to be controlling in her relationship, this doesn't sound controlling exactly.
You said yourself, she didn't force you to comply with her drinking limit. So she's not controlling you. She's voicing her upset and proposing solutions. Granted, she may not quite go about it the right way ("flipping a bitch" is not a good response to anything), but she isn't making you do anything... except maybe the checking in thing, but I'll get to that.
It sounds like there are some insecurity/trust/communication issues here. She's shown that she's insecure in her worry about you flirting with other girls. There are trust issues (which you recognized - ) that need to be remedied. There is a communication problem clearly exhibited in your "Hooter's" adventure.

a.) Drinking
Is it controlling that she's uncomfortable with an unhealthy habit? I'm no teetotaler, but is 3 times a month not enough?? Even so, it means a lot to her. She's worried about your relationship and your health. She proposed a compromise. She's not asking you to never drink, just in more moderation. So you both partied a lot when you met her. Is she not entitled to realize the harmful effects of alcohol on a person and alter her stance?

b.) Going Out
Having you check in every now and then is understandable. I like to know if my SO is going out so that I can know whether to expect a call or whether it would be safe to call him. However, wanting to know everything all the time? That seems a bit unreasonable and I would talk to her about it. It screams insecurity. I understand her feeling a little abandoned that you sacrifice so many nights going out when she wants to talk to you, but perhaps if you and she compromised on this. Maybe three or more nights a week, you'll endeavor to at least call her for a good night, if not more. Your "Hooter's" issue? Would it have been so hard to just send her a follow up text "plans changed, going to Hooter's with the guys"? That you told her you were going to stay in and then she saw you weren't made it look like you were being less than honest and probably scared her. "He said he was staying in. Why is he there? Is he hooking up with some chick with big boobs? Why would he lie?" <- that's how women's minds work frequently. So... communication, communication, communication! And talk to her and compromise on when you go out and her basically keeping tabs on you.

c.) Your future
"Our love should be our top priority (which it is for me too, just in different ways)" <- what?? Anyway... you didn't exactly give us a rousing list of what you do for this relationship. From the information given, it sounds like she is doing a lot of the work. How are you showing her that this relationship is important to you? Also, since when did study abroad and joining the military become non-negotiable? Study abroad for how long? A summer? That's not bad at all. A year? That's more difficult. You really want to join the military? If you want to marry this girl, you're going to need to discuss this with her. If you're planning on going into the paperwork side of things, it might be easier for her. If you want to go Green Beret, it takes stern stuff to be married to that. Compromise. And if you can't, then you might have to end it.

This is just my take on your situation. Sounds like you guys have some issues to work out, but she doesn't seem very controlling (except with the check in at all times part, but even that may have reasonable motive). You need to talk to her. I apologize for my long post, but I hope it helps.

This. Honestly, It doesn't sound like she's being controlling at all. SHe didn't force you to do anything. She talked over it with you. That's not controlling, it's what couples do. Also with the hooter's thing, I'd be LIVID if my SO couldn't take the time to tell me his plans had changed. It looked like you were lying to her. You would be upset if you thought she lied to you wouldn't you?
Relationships are full of compromises. If you aren't willing to make them, don't be in a relationship. Simple as that. Relationships are not about YOU, they are about US, which means making choices together, especially since you want to get married. If you can't compromise, be prepared for divorce court.

[Haley53]

A lot of what I would have said has been stated, but I'll throw in my two cents on the issue.

a) Drinking
I don't feel like she's been controlling here. I am extremely insecure when it comes to my partner and alcohol. I don't care that it happens rarely, and that when it happens at all, it's in moderation, he's well aware of his limits, and he hardly ever ends up drunk, let alone beyond that. My father was a violent alcoholic, my mother went through a 3-4 year bout of alcoholism, and I was involved with an alcoholic for around three years as well. No, they aren't my SO, no, not everyone's like that when drunk, but having dealt with it for years (my father for 16 of those years), it's done a number on my psyche. I cannot talk to my SO when he's drunk or when he's been drinking, and I'll admit my issues are so deep-rooted, I don't feel well when I see him tagged in pictures if he's holding a beer or even if anyone else is. Because of this, we've had to compromise in our relationship. He does not drink and talk to me, and during visits while I am there, we do not go drinking with his friends or spend time with his friends if they are drinking (he actually declined going over to one of their houses and my meeting them for the first time because they invited us over to drink). We have agreed that if he has a drink or two during an outing while I'm there for my working holiday, which is likely to happen (birthdays etc.), I don't have to accompany him, and we won't have sex on those nights. I did not force him into any of this. I was honest about my issues from the get go and I proposed what would make me most comfortable yet still would not limit him any, and he agreed to it and is fine with it.

Your girlfriend more or less proposed something to you because of something that makes her uncomfortable. I can't say my partner's demeanor changes much, but I've been around people whose demeanors have/do, and as a result, I can understand how your girlfriend feels. Especially since she's had her own issues with drinking, it makes sense she'd be increasingly uncomfortable with it. However, what it sounds like is that you went along with her compromise/limits without particularly wanting to? While I don't agree that you should be hard fast to what you want, as relationships do often involve sacrifice and compromise, if something doesn't work for you, don't agree to it. Tell her that the limiting to three times a month isn't working for you because of this reason or that one, and propose something else to her and see if she goes for it. Be sure it's something you can stick to, though. The only reason she "tightened up the reigns," so to speak, is because you broke the initial promise that you made to her. Anyone, I imagine, would be insecure in that situation. :/

b) Going Out
I don't agree with check-ins. I never have, never will, but I like to know when my partner's going to be online. For example, he told me last we Skyped that he probably would not be on Friday because a friend invited him to a birthday party. Sure, he could have gone ahead and not told me about it, but I would probably feel hurt if he didn't show up online when I was expecting him to be there, and I imagine I'd be even more hurt to know he'd been gone all day and night with a friend for a birthday without having the courtesy to tell me, since we talk daily and it's unusual for either one of us not to be online at some point. I don't demand that he tell me, but I do find it respectful and courteous.

If your girlfriend is demanding you check in with her every time you go somewhere, or if she expects you to tell her exactly where you out every time she randomly rings, then maybe I'd discuss it with her, but it's also dependent on how often you're online. For example, my partner and I are online pretty much all day every day between work and school. He does not currently have school, so for him to randomly be gone... Eh. Sometimes he doesn't tell me, and I don't flip my shit because I know he's likely gone to the shop, running errands, etc., but generally, if he knows he'll be late or won't get online, he mentions it. It takes two seconds for him to do and I'm well prepared for it. If your online time is pretty routine, it'd be courteous of you to mention when you're going to be out, but you shouldn't be expected to report back to her every time she calls or texts.

That said, I can see where she'd feel hurt/betrayed. Here you told her you were going to stay in and then your plans randomly changed and you went to a Hooters, of all things. What if your girlfriend said she'd be on, and you were waiting, and then later on, you found out she didn't show up (while you were waiting) because she'd gone out clubbing? Or to a strip joint? It would probably sting and it would probably make you feel a little bit suspicious, unless you're 100% confident and secure, in which case, kudos to you. :P But I think for most of us, hearing that our partners went somewhere notorious for being able to look at hot others would make us feel a little insecure if they told us they were staying in. Our first thought would be more insecure, not a secure "oh, plans changed. Cool, bro'."

ETA:

I also want to add that if you call your girlfriend controlling every time she brings up a compromise you agree to... You might want to re-evaluate the relationship. I understand that you have your own way of running the show, but if anyone has so set a plan that they can't stand to make compromises/sacrifices, they shouldn't be in a relationship, frankly. Part of being in a relationship means stepping out of your own little zone long enough to care about what's going on in someone else's, in this case, your girlfriend's. I feel like you're complaining about a situation you almost created, because you've agreed to everything; it's not like you stood up for yourself and she screamed "WELL THEN I'LL BREAK UP WITH YOU! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?!" at you.

A relationship is not only about you. It's about her too. Whereas you want to be happy and have fun, she wants to be happy, have fun, and be comfortable and secure in the relationship. Asking your partner to make compromises, such as letting you know when they're going to be out or when their plans change, is not being controlling. It's asking for your partner to be courteous and respectful of your time, and maybe you can put something else in that time slot as opposed to waiting around for someone who never shows up, since a lot of the time, that's what a LDR involves: waiting. While flipping a bitch was not the right way to handle it, again, think of if she'd gone out clubbing with friends or to a strip joint without telling you. It might seem suspicious and make you feel a little bit disrespected. There's so much stigma about men cheating and about men not being able to have self-control and keep their eyes off other women that when you don't tell her about going to a Hooters, and to her knowledge you've told her you're staying in, it can look badly on you. I don't think you can get too angry at her for being upset, even if she handled it wrong.

I guess my main point is you seem to be throwing the term "controlling" around because she asked you to make compromises and because she got upset when you weren't where you said you would be (home) and instead were at a restaurant where they hire girls with big breasts in tight shirts and mini-skirts, to my knowledge. I don't think these are all that unreasonable. They're part of what comprise a happy relationship, and are normal reactions. You also are throwing around the term "controlling" when my impression from all the "we"s in your post is that you set the limitations together. Controlling is when you're painted into a corner because she's threatening ultimatums when she doesn't get her way.

You can't have a relationship without the relationship. A relationship involves looking outside yourself and taking care of someone else, too. I don't see trust issues (maybe mild ones) exhibited anywhere in your post. I see it as a matter of what makes her comfortable versus what makes her uncomfortable. Trust issues usually come out in the forms of demands or ultimatums or "you can't do this because..." or "never do this because..." They don't usually come in the form of, "your drinking makes me uncomfortable because I don't like who you become when drunk. Do you think we could limit our drinking to three times a month?" That's a measure of comfort, not trust. She's trying to work with you to create a safer, happier relationship for the both of you. Don't agree to something you don't want, but think about her too. If you want an arrangement where you can do whatever and go wherever, you might think of calling off relationships for a while, because more often than not, relationships put a cap on the whole bachelor doing-whatever going-wherever thing.

[lonelyinlove]

I don't want to sound redundant, but alot of this stuff seems like s normal relationship, especially an LDR.

& I find it prettty normal that she wants you to check in with her....

[acrf92]

I read the first response fully and almost the whole second one. Everyone seems to be agreeing from there on out. Skimmed Eclaires (she always gives good advice from what I've been reading around the site!). Anddddd as all the members above have-- I don't think she's being controlling. My SO and I are in a similar situation except from day 1 my non-negotiables were: "No drinking, no smoking, no lying, no cheating, no drugs". So, we were completely clear from the get-go. Agreeing to that was no problem for my SO in high school. But college is a whole different scene. My SO doesn't party. But he likes to have a beer with friends on occasion (particularly when we're not speaking -.-). A couple weeks ago we had a huge blow up fight about it. Drinking is a non-negotiable for me.

Like your girlfriend has communicated-- it does not add to the "security" one feels in a LDR. I absolutely will not allow it in mine because I refuse to have my SO come to me one day saying "I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. I was drunk. I didn't realize." No way. That won't fly. And like you said, your going out is cutting into time you have to put into your relationship (talking on the phone at night). That is vital in an LDR. Take that away and what does that leave your gf? What message does that send to her? "I don't care about you enough to not hurt your feelings." And that's just hurtful to anyone. As they say, "actions speak louder than words". I tell my SO this all the time.
You can SAY you love her as many times as you want but she won't be able to feel it/believe it unless you make the effort to SHOW her in your actions.

As for the FB check in-- I was going to post about this and I probably will still after BUT yes, that would upset me. I don't like feeling left out of the loop. Like I said above, communication and trust are the most vital elements in an LDR. When you don't tell her something it's a hit to communication. And when it's something like going to "Hooters" it can be seen (by a sensitive, concerned SO) like you did it purposefully to hide it, avoid confrontation, etc.

I know in my relationship-- honesty is the best policy. Anything interpreted as a lie or omission (same thing) is a hit to trust. And LDRs are just too dependent on that to risk. I would sort out all the mis-communications as well. Those can be so destructive to LDR. It all comes back to communication...

So, overall I don't think she's being controlling. She has done a wonderful job of communicating her feelings and needs to you so now you must do the same and be willing to reach a compromise. I completely understand the aspect of her feeling like she's putting all the effort into the LDR. The same happens to me sometimes. When you're working toward a future together it's necessary to think of yourselves as a unit. When you do things that don't work towards obtaining a future together, it makes you look like you don't see one OR at least don't know how to achieve one. That makes a girl have a lack of confidence in your commitment to her and the relationship.

Good luck!

[Zapookie]

I don't think she's being controlling at all. I think that she is within reason to ask you to limit drinking and let her know where you're going. Both my SO and I let each other know when we're going out, where we're going and when we think we're going to be home. It's basic common courtesy, so that neither of us is left waiting around for the other.

To me, this is all an issue of trust. If she really trusted me, she'd let me go out whenever, drink whenever, do whatever and she wouldn't mind. But I don't know. Is she being controlling? How can we better fix this aspect of our relationship? Help? Thanks!

The bolded part is where I have an issue. You are only thinking about yourself. Why does she have to accept your behaviour when you both understand that it's being destructive? She has asked you to compromise on it because she wants this relationship to work, and you basically dismiss her. Where's the respect? Where's the understanding from your side?

This relationship is not all about you and what you want to do. You're supposed to be in a partnership with another person - this means taking into consideration about how some things may make said person feel. So when you say you're a "serious relationship kinda guy", you need to realise that being in a serious relationship means taking a step back, and ceasing to think solely about yourself.

I can also understand her not wanting to hang out with your friends when she visits. If you don't see each other very often, the last thing she would want is zero attention on her, and all the attention on your friends. She visits to be with you, not you and your buddies. You can see your friends at other times.

[Zephii]

It's hard for me here, because, I am a contolling girlfriend (well, now a controlling wife haha) and I think it's ok to have a measure of control over your partner. I think that you need to be more upfront with her rather than agreeing to things that you're not actually happy with, coz that's a bit dishonest.

I'm not keen on the checking in thing, because she aught to trust you enough for you to do whatever and hear an account after the fact, but I do agree with her that your going out so much affects your talk time. And if you're supposed to be home talking to her, then yes, she deserves an update... if not, then, well... she's not your mum She needs to be a priority (and thus deserves a substantial chunk of your time) regardless of you being LD or CD though. Perhaps you could go be sociable at a time when it doesn't take away from your relationship (beers over lunch?)

Relationship wise, chicks are generally more invested and more willing to make sacrifices than guys are. We need relationships more than guys do (I'm sure I'll get flamed for that blatent generalisation, but I believe it's true and there is research that supports the theory). So it makes complete sense that she'll do all these things that you're honest enough to say you wouldn't. She wants a relationship with you NOW, a real solid one - not sometime in the future after you're done with everything else. And I think it's normal (even if not entirely fair and practical) that she expects you to put in equal effort to her - because a relationship is an investment, she wants to see some returns.

I hope that kind of made sense

[BlueCat]

I used to have similar issues with my SO, in fact I still often struggle when I don't know what's going on, simply because i want to know if I should be online to talk to him etc. It's not a matter of controlling you, it's a matter that she wants to feel a part of your life. When you go out, try sending her a text to let her know that you're heading out and wish she could be there with you to come with. Little things like that from my SO always help.

Regarding the drinking issue, I understand that as well. My SO smokes spice (artificial weed), and I have struggled so much with it because of how it affects him (from my perspective) and sometimes how much of a priority it seems and it's been a huge issue. But it's not that I want to control him, I just want to feel important and have him understand how it affects me.

I don't think she's controlling, you just need to talk about it, let her know how her restrictions make you feel and have your own suggestions ready for what you could do to ease her mind. Even if she doesn't agree with them, it will at least let her know that you've been considering her feelings on the issues.

[Softy]

From what you posted, nah she is not controlling.
I would say more 'worried' than controlling.

[LoveL]

What is more important to you?

Drinking and partying and hanging out with friends.....or making your relationship work?

Answer those questions and we can go from there.

[Malaga]

You sound like a really young couple. How old are you?
Most of what your girlfriend does is pretty normal for a committed relationship. It's not all about how much you're in love, but also about the responsibility you have to each other. When you're in a committed relationship, you change overall. You just do, and it's a good thing. That doesn't mean you don't go out with friends anymore or party, but when you do, you stick to the behaviour accepted in your relationship. If you find this too restricting, you're probably just not ready for it yet.

And always try to put yourself in her shoes. If she were the one going out, drinking and partying with dudes and doing whatever she wanted without sharing any of it with you, would you still trust her 100%? Or would you be bothered about it? Be honest with yourself and you'll know what's right.

[nnkk00]

You sound like a really young couple. How old are you?

And always try to put yourself in her shoes. If she were the one going out, drinking and partying with dudes and doing whatever she wanted without sharing any of it with you, would you still trust her 100%? Or would you be bothered about it? Be honest with yourself and you'll know what's right.

We're a year apart... she's 19, and I'm 20. However, she said she's always felt like she was a little "older" or "mature" because she's accomplished so much in those little years. She managed to graduate high school, go to college in junior standing, land great jobs/internship opportunities, and graduate university in a span of two years. She's aiming high for her goals, but ultimately, she wants to be "an amazing wife and mother." It's always been that way, she said. Friends have even told me that she was saying that in high school, that she just wanted to be the lady to take care of and love their spouse/child. I think it's really sweet, actually. On the other hand, I'm going to be 21, and am only transferring to a university from junior college now (which means I have another 2-3 years to get my Bachelor's). I'm a step behind her, but I have a lot of goals and I'm in no rush to complete anything in a time frame.

But I digress... honestly, I would be 100% okay with her going out and doing that. I have told her countless times to go out more often, make more friends, have some fun. She expressed interest in joining a sorority once, which I was not really comfortable with, but I didn't tell her that until she backed out on her own. I trust her completely and my only request is that she love me, support me, and not cheat. It's really that easy. It just feels like nothing I do is enough when I'm following what she asks and then she wants to set up another compromise about something else in our relationship.

The bolded part is where I have an issue. You are only thinking about yourself. Why does she have to accept your behaviour when you both understand that it's being destructive? She has asked you to compromise on it because she wants this relationship to work, and you basically dismiss her. Where's the respect? Where's the understanding from your side?

This relationship is not all about you and what you want to do. You're supposed to be in a partnership with another person - this means taking into consideration about how some things may make said person feel.

I believe that regardless of being in a relationship, ultimately you are still individuals. She believes that while that may be true, you are now an entity of each other and everything you do impacts the other in some way and that should be considered. I don't think that I should have to give up my dreams and ambitions to be with her, which sometimes it seems like she wants me to do. She tells me that there's always a compromise to it, but I don't really know if that's true. For example, I want to join a fraternity, travel abroad, live in different place, join the military...I have lots of things on my mind, and since she loves me, she should be supportive and not make me want to give that up. Sometimes she can get really stubborn and get upset and cry if I express interest in something I want to do, and that's really frustrating because it feels like she's guilt-tripping me or making me choose a decision that she expects I would give her (if I thought in the way she did).

It's just that I believe as an individual, you ultimately do what you want. I'm not the one telling her to graduate early or move to me -- she's made that decision by herself. If she wanted to stay at college another year or do whatever, I would let her and support her. But she chose to make changes in some of her goals and ambitions to be with me. I'm happy about it, but it's never something I asked (or expected) of her. It's her decision ultimately and if we have to be long distance, then so be it. I don't believe you have to compromise those things (or sacrifice them).